Facing the Sun

by Carol Beth Anderson

  Narre stopped laughing and looked in Tavi’s eyes. “I do believe you. Or at least I believe you believe yourself.”

  Tavi shook her head at the absurdity of her cousin’s words.

  As Tavi, Narre, and Sall walked home from training that afternoon, it began to snow. They huddled into their coats and complained, hoping they weren’t facing another all-out blizzard.

  Tavi made it home and found Tullen splitting logs on a stump behind the house. “Almost done,” he said when she approached. He finished the log he was working on, set the axe against the stump, and ran his coat sleeve across his forehead, which was sweaty despite the cold.

  “Guess you couldn’t avoid that axe all winter, could you?” Tavi asked.

  “It wasn’t for lack of trying,” he replied with a chuckle. He brushed snow off his shirt. “Let’s get inside.”

  “I don’t want to go inside yet,” Tavi contended. “I’m afraid we’ll be stuck there for the rest of the week. It’s only snowing a little right now.”

  “That’s true,” Tullen said. After a moment of thought, his mouth broke into a wide grin. “How about a run?” he asked.

  Tavi didn’t even answer; she simply dashed forward, jumped onto Tullen’s back, and shrieked when he almost didn’t catch her in time. They hadn’t run together in weeks, and she had missed it.

  With two breaths, Tullen’s gift was active. His feet churned at a speed that still astonished Tavi, and she couldn’t hold back her laughter as they headed into the forest, and she again felt like she was flying.

  Once the initial thrill had passed, Tavi settled into a place of contained joy. “I have a secret,” she told Tullen.

  “Well, you’d better share it!” Tullen replied. It always amazed Tavi how effortless these runs were for him. He wasn’t even short of breath.

  “Today I saw something.” Tavi paused, enjoying the building suspense. Tullen did not take the bait, so she continued. “Sall and Narre were holding hands.”

  Tullen’s response was immediate. “Well, it’s about time!”

  “What? You expected this?”

  “They’ve looked at each other with doe eyes ever since I met them!” Tullen said. “Surely you’ve noticed?”

  “I hadn’t noticed anything!” Tavi insisted.

  “They’ll be good for each other. How do you feel about it?”

  “I think it’s wonderful; I was just surprised,” Tavi replied. “And I wish they’d told me earlier.”

  “I’m sure they had good reasons to keep it quiet.”

  The run continued, and a peaceful silence settled between them. After a few minutes, Tullen said, “It’s getting dark, and the snow is coming down heavier. We’d best head home.” Tavi sighed, but she knew he was right.

  As they drew closer to the house, Tavi asked, “What about you? Do you have someone special at home?”

  “Oh sure, I have my parents, and my siblings—”

  “I mean a girl!” Tavi interrupted.

  The rumble of his laughter resonated from his back into her chest, and she smiled. “I knew what you meant,” Tullen said. “There’s nobody special waiting for me back home. Do you think I’d be spending all winter here if there were?”

  “I suppose not,” Tavi replied.

  “You don’t have any big, romantic secret of your own, do you?” Tullen asked.

  “No, though Narre’s determined I should be as happy as she is,” Tavi said with a laugh. “I’m far too busy trying to control my gifts; I don’t need to think about boys.”

  “I’m guessing that will eventually change,” Tullen laughed.

  They reached the house. Tullen set Tavi down, and they sat on a bench that took up the whole of the tiny, covered back porch. The overhang was so small that large snowflakes landed on their boots. Tavi pulled her legs up onto the bench, hugging her knees to her chest. They were both a little wet from the snow, and it was cold, but she wasn’t ready to go inside yet.

  Jevva’s booming voice floated through the window, and Tullen turned to Tavi. “How are you doing with your father?”

  Tavi shrugged. “He ignores me.”

  “Tavi, I know how he treats you; I see it every day. How are you doing?”

  A shiver went through Tavi, and she hugged herself more tightly. “I keep thinking if I’d done what he told me to do, things would be fine between us,” she said. “But then I always remind myself of what you told me—that my actions that night were entirely appropriate.”

  “You tell yourself what I told you?” When Tavi nodded, Tullen pressed his lips together and looked at her.

  “What?” Tavi asked.

  “You didn’t need me to confirm that you were right,” Tullen said. “You already knew it.”

  “But I didn’t—” Tavi began.

  “You did,” Tullen interrupted. “That’s why you made the decision.” He stood with a smile. “I’m turning into a snowman,” he said. “Ready to go in?”

  “You go ahead; I’ll stay here for a few minutes,” Tavi replied. Tullen nodded and left.

  She pondered the conversation. Tullen was right. She had stood up to her father, knowing it was the only choice that would allow her to live with herself. She had even decided on her own not to apologize to him. Why hadn’t that been enough to give her peace?

  Enough. That word stuck in her head. She wasn’t enough. Her own decisions weren’t enough, not without someone else affirming them. Her gifts weren’t controlled enough. And she wasn’t enough physically, either; she had made that clear in her conversation with Narre.

  Only—what if she was enough? And even if she wasn’t sure if it was true, what if she told herself it was?

  She tried it, a barely audible breath: “I am enough.”

  Tavi’s mind filled with images and memories that denied her words: the earthquake, her childlike body, and Reba’s rejection. These thoughts threatened to drown out the words she had whispered. So she spoke again, a little louder this time. “I am enough.”

  Tavi realized she was glowing softly, just a smidge of warmth filling her from head to toe. It was as if magic itself had heard her words and was whispering, “Yes.”

  She inhaled, shivering when the frosty air encountered the warmth of her body and its magic. When the glow subsided, Tavi entered the house and closed the door against the coming storm.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The line between confidence and pride

  Is as fine as spider silk

  And just as sticky.

  -From Proverbs of Savala

  “What about this?” Tavi held up a dress. It was bright yellow with enormous, puffed sleeves and a bow on the front that was so large, it extended beyond the width of the waist. The skirt was flounced with black lace accents.

  Tullen examined it thoughtfully. “It’s a little casual but might work well for laundry day,” he concluded.

  Tavi burst out laughing and put the dress back on its rack. Their small general store had added a “Ladies’ Fashion Corner,” but Tavi didn’t know where they were sourcing the clothing. Each piece was dreadfully ugly.

  “We’d better get what we came for,” Tavi said. Winter storms had again kept them home, this time for a full week. Their stock of staples was running low, and this was the first day the weather had allowed them to walk into Oren. Tullen pulled Mey’s list out of his pocket, and they walked around the store, picking up flour, salt, lamp oil, and more.

  At the register, Tullen pointed to the glass jars behind the counter. “We’d also like one bag of ulora root candy, please.”

  “That’s not on the list!” Tavi said.

  Tullen held the paper out to Tavi, and there it was, in her mother’s neat script: 1 bag of ulora root candy. Tavi grinned, mouth already watering. “Did you put her up to that?”

  Tullen just smiled and shrugged. They paid and placed their items in the bags they had brought. Once their gloves were on, they exited the store into the slushy street and turned to walk home.


  Ahead was a small café. The owner was kneeling before an iron bench next to the door, swiping snow off the seat. “Hello, Mr. Sinno,” Tavi greeted him as she and Tullen passed.

  “Hello,” he responded. He followed his greeting with a shout of pain.

  Tavi and Tullen turned and rushed back. Mr. Sinno was holding one hand tightly in the other. “Knew I should have worn gloves,” he said.

  “What happened?” Tavi asked.

  “Just cut myself on this bench,” the man replied. “The snow and ice must have weighed it down so much that one of the welds came loose.”

  Tavi gave Tullen a hesitant look, and he smiled and nodded at her. “Mr. Sinno,” Tavi said, “I’d like to heal it, if you’ll let me.”

  His eyebrows rose. “You can heal now?”

  “I just learned,” Tavi said. In the previous weeks since healing Tullen, Tavi had practiced her skills a few times when her family members had small injuries. She had found that scrapes were difficult to heal and bruises impossible, though she hoped that would change with time. But the one thing she knew she could do was heal a cut.

  “I’d appreciate that,” Mr. Sinno replied, holding out his hand.

  Tavi nearly vomited as she took her gloves off. The cut was ragged and bled freely. She looked away and brought magic into her hands by contemplating how much she desired the warmth and dry roads of summer.

  When she touched the cut, Tavi’s stomach flipped. But she forced herself to think not of blood, but again of her desire for summer. She urged healing magic to enter her hands and felt a satisfying rush of heat. This cut was not as clean as Tullen’s had been, and it took more time and effort to heal it. But Tavi could feel her magic working, slowly knitting together the edges of the laceration. Soon the skin was again unmarred.

  Movement down the street caught Tavi’s eye as she pulled her hand away. She gasped—Ellea was entering the general store, two doors down. Tavi quickly put her gloves back on, realizing too late that the blood on her fingers was now inside her glove.

  “Youngest healer I’ve ever had,” Mr. Sinno said. “Thank you, Tavi. It’s good as new!”

  Eyes still on the general store, Tavi acknowledged Mr. Sinno with a nod before turning again toward her house.

  “Let’s go,” she hissed to Tullen.

  “What’s wrong?” Tullen asked. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  “Not a ghost,” Tavi said, resisting the urge to look behind her for the head midwife. “Just Ellea.”

  “Why don’t you want to see Ellea?”

  Tavi didn’t answer.

  “Tavi? Why?”

  With a sigh, Tavi confessed, “She doesn’t know I can heal.”

  “Why wouldn’t you want her to know that? Plenty of midwives can heal.”

  Her answer was again delayed. At last, Tavi admitted, “It’s because you’re the one who helped me discover my healing gift. And you don’t do things in the way Ellea does them.”

  Tavi was surprised when Tullen’s mouth rose in a half-smile. “It sounds like she’s as skeptical of my training as I am of hers,” he said.

  “It’s not funny!” Tavi insisted. “I’ve learned plenty from both of you!”

  “One of these days you’ll need to tell her.”

  “But not today,” Tavi said. In the silence that followed, she tried to discern why that response didn’t feel right. Didn’t it make sense for her to keep her healing gift secret? It would hurt Ellea to know one of her students had been training with a Meadow Dweller. Tavi didn’t want to hurt the mentor she cared for.

  But deep down, Tavi knew that wasn’t her biggest concern. In reality, she was afraid Ellea would be disappointed in her. She wanted Ellea to approve of her.

  I am enough. The words came unbidden to Tavi’s mind. Did she really prefer unearned favor over honesty? If Ellea was disappointed in her, would Tavi be able to live with that? She chewed on those thoughts for several minutes before stopping altogether in the middle of the road. Tullen turned to her, eyebrows raised.

  “I need to go talk to Ellea,” Tavi said. “And I need to go alone.”

  Tullen didn’t ask any questions. He just gave her a smile and a nod, and he again walked toward home.

  Watching him leave was harder than Tavi had expected, but this was a conversation she needed to have on her own. She turned toward town.

  “Today Mr. Sinno cut his hand,” Tavi said. She was sitting in Ellea’s office, an untouched cup of tea in front of her.

  “Is he all right?” Ellea asked.

  “He is,” Tavi said, “because I healed him.”

  Ellea smiled broadly. “That’s wonderful! I know you’ve hoped to develop a healing gift.”

  Tavi took a deep breath. “I’ve known I could heal for a few weeks now,” she said. Noting Ellea’s surprise, she continued, “Tullen helped me discover it.”

  Ellea slowly put down her teacup. She was no longer smiling. “And how did that happen?” she asked.

  Tavi told her mentor that Tullen had been training her ever since the incident at school. She explained how they’d found that the key to Tavi’s gift activation was desire. Ellea’s eyes betrayed mild amusement when Tavi told her about Misty’s pickles. Then Tavi described the day when Tullen had helped her discover that desire was the key to her ability to heal as well.

  Ellea did not immediately respond. When she did, it was with a grave expression and a serious tone. “Tullen has been influencing you from the beginning,” she observed. Tavi nodded. “That concerns me,” Ellea said.

  “Why?”

  “We’ve discussed this, Tavi. The training given by midwives has been developed for many years. When we teach you to relax and breathe deeply to activate your gifts, it is because that method has been found to be effective and safe. All our training is designed to keep you on the right path.”

  “Do you think I’m on the wrong path?” Tavi asked.

  “Perhaps not yet,” Ellea conceded. “But I have heard stories of the Meadow for years. Their traditions are different than ours. They claim to worship Sava, but they do not even have parish halls. They allow no visitors to their community, which makes me wonder what they are hiding. And as you have stated, they do have informal magical training, but that very informality is treacherous. While we midwives teach you time-proven ways to grow in your magical abilities, they encourage experimentation and instinct. No one knows what the results will be when magic is handled in such a way. Don’t you see the danger, Tavi?”

  Tavi’s first instinct was to humbly agree so she could escape Ellea’s office. An apology was on the tip of her tongue, but she pressed her lips closed to keep the words from escaping. She had come here to be honest. Pretending to agree wouldn’t help either of them.

  Her heart pounding, Tavi said, “My magic is different. You know that as well as I do. I need to experiment. I need to learn to use my instincts. Some of what you and the other midwives have taught me has been very useful. But it doesn’t always work for me.

  “Maybe if I gave it enough time, I could use deep breathing to activate my magic and discover new gifts. But I don’t have time! I awakened later than everyone else, and I have six gifted areas to master, not one. Tullen is helping me learn to use my gifts. Because of that, today I healed someone. That feels right.”

  Ellea sat quietly for a long moment, and Tavi’s heart broke seeing the sadness in the midwife’s eyes. At last, Ellea spoke. “It is because you are different—and because I care about you—that I want so badly to protect you. There will be people who want to use you because of your many gifts. I want you to be able to stand against them. When you graduate from our training, I want you to have a good foundation, built on knowledge and truth.”

  Tears filled Tavi’s eyes. “I will—I already do. You’ve given me that. And Tullen has too.” After a pause, she asked, “When a mother is having a difficult birth, do you always follow a textbook? Or do you experiment to do whatever it takes keep her and the baby
healthy?”

  Ellea did not answer, but Tavi could see the midwife considering the question. Finally, Ellea said, “I appreciate you coming to talk to me, Tavi. Thank you for your honesty.”

  “You’re welcome.” There did not seem to be anything else to say. Tavi left the office, feeling she had gained strength, but had perhaps lost a friend.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  The first time I assisted with the birth of a sun-blessed child, I nearly forgot the words of the blessing, and I could barely breathe deeply enough to give the child my breath. But once I completed my task and saw light fill the baby’s chest, then travel into his ears, I wept just as freely as his mother. In that moment, I felt a deep connection to Kari, our First Midwife. And I have felt close to her ever since.

  -From Midwife Memoirs by Ellea Kariana

  “Camalyn, my level of respect for you has risen tenfold,” Ash said. “This scarf is horrendous. It’s hot, itchy and uncomfortable. I can’t believe you’ve been wearing one of these several times a week.”

  Camalyn looked around the barn where Konner, Ash, Sella, and Aldin were all dressed in Karite black. “You all look so . . . devout,” she said, and she lost herself in laughter.

  Konner’s eyebrows rose beneath his headscarf. “I’m quite sure Camalyn the Karite would not display so little control,” he chided her. “Calm yourself. It’s time to go.”

  The rest of the Grays made their way past Konner toward the waiting carriage outside. As he followed them out, he allowed himself the brief indulgence of self-congratulation. When he had met Ash over a year and a half earlier, Konner had been obsessed with magic, specifically his own, unclaimed birthright.