by Matt Dunn
Nathan glanced up from his laptop and watched Sophie leave, then shook his head, wondering what was wrong with him. There was someone attractive, funny, clever, and single – all the things most normal people looked for in a woman – yet the minute she tried to talk about anything outside of office business, he found himself wanting to be anywhere but stood in front of her. That time when he'd gone to fix some problem she had with her email and she'd blurted out something flirtatious, he'd been more embarrassed than she had. To be honest, he was surprised she was still talking to him.
This morning in the coffee shop, he'd had the same feeling, and that, coupled with moments like the uncomfortable questioning Sophie had just subjected him to, reminded him he was a long way from being over Ellie. Why did he think he still owed her something, and more importantly, why did he feel he was being unfaithful if he so much as looked at another woman? Maybe because he still felt there was hope for the two of them. Not that Ellie had ever suggested getting back together - though of course, they'd have had to have spoken for that to have happened, and the closest he'd come to seeing her since they'd split up had been the occasional desperate drive past her office whenever he'd been feeling particularly lonely.
He finished typing his email, then hauled himself out of his chair, made his way up the stairs, and walked into Mark's office. Mark was engrossed in something on his computer screen, so Nathan tiptoed up to his desk, then leant down beside him.
'Any news?'
Mark looked from his laptop with a start. 'Jesus, Nathan. You might try knocking.'
'Whatcha up to?'
'Up to?' Mark held his hand horizontally at head height. 'About here, with the end of year report. And then I have to file our VAT return.'
'Living the dream, my friend. Living the dream.' Nathan grinned. 'Did I just see Julie leaving here?'
'You might have done.'
'And?'
Mark puffed air out of his cheeks. 'And nothing. We had some weird conversation about... Well, it doesn't really matter what it was about. But tell me something. Did someone send you a card?'
'When?'
'Christmas 1995.' Mark shook his head. 'Today, Nathan.'
'Um, yeah, seeing as you ask.'
Mark stared at him. 'And do you have any idea who sent it?' he said, hoping with all his might it wasn't Julie.
Nathan stuck his lower lip out and shook his head. 'Beats me. All they wrote was some poem with a rhyme about finding heaven and upgrading to Windows 7. Which was quite clever, if you think about it.'
'Isn't it?' said Mark, though he had no idea what Nathan was talking about. 'But no other clues as to where it came from?'
'Well, it had a 'W H Smith's' label on the back, so I'm guessing there.'
'That's not what I meant!'
Mark had almost shouted that last sentence, and Nathan held both hands up to placate him. 'Keep your hair on. Only joking. What's up?'
'Sorry.' Mark got up and started pacing around his office. 'You don't think it could have come from...' He cleared his throat awkwardly. 'Julie?'
'Julie? Your Julie?'
'She's hardly... Yes. My Julie.'
'Whatever makes you think that?'
'I don't know,' said Mark, reluctant to admit Julie had virtually told him exactly that. 'Just a hunch.'
'Is this because she didn't say anything about your card?'
'No, it's just...'
'Did she?'
'Well, no, now you come to mention it. You sure you delivered it properly?'
'As opposed to improperly?' Nathan rolled his eyes. 'I put it right in the middle of her desk.'
'Julie's desk?'
'No, mate. Mary from Admin's. Of course I put it on Julie's desk. Don't worry. And she can't have sent that one to me.'
'How can you be sure?'
'Because it was there when I got in this morning. And she wasn't.'
'Ah. Right. Good.' Mark stopped pacing, and sat back down at his desk. 'Sorry. So...'
'So?'
'So how are you doing, anyway?'
Nathan made a face. 'Trying not to think about what day it is. Which is proving a little difficult. Especially since - and thanks for reminding me - someone sent me a card.'
Mark smiled sympathetically. 'Come on, Nathan. It's been, what, three years?'
'To the day, funnily enough,' said Nathan, not looking like he found it funny at all. 'And you'd think it'd be getting easier by now, wouldn't you?'
Mark nodded exaggeratedly. 'Well, yes.'
'So why hasn't it?' Nathan slumped down in Julie's recently-vacated chair and spun himself round.
'Well, as I've told you a hundred times, because you haven't moved on.'
'How can I?'
'Well, you can stop thinking she's coming back, for one thing. Or you can go out with someone else.'
Nathan stopped spinning abruptly. 'But what if she does? And I am?'
Mark smiled. 'What if she doesn't, and you're not? Who's going to suffer then?'
Nathan leant over and flicked at the Newton's Cradle on Mark's desk, then watched sullenly as the balls clicked against each other. 'Mark, if you've never done it, you wouldn't understand.'
'What are you trying to insinuate?'
'No, not that. I mean, get down on one knee.'
'God no. I mean, not yet, at any rate,' he said, trying not to think about doing exactly that with Julie. 'I've not been lucky enough to go out with someone I've wanted to do it with. Or rather, lucky enough yet.'
Nathan reached out a hand and stopped the balls from swinging. 'And that's the thing. Luck. I was lucky to meet Ellie. And no-one's that lucky twice.'
'Or that unlucky.'
Nathan looked up sharply. 'What do you mean by that?'
Mark cleared his throat. 'Well, she cheated on you, didn't she? So looking at it another way, you were unlucky to have met someone you fell head-over-heels for who'd do that to you.'
'No, I was lucky...'
'The only lucky bit was that you found out before you got married. And surely you'd have to be extremely unlucky for that to happen again.'
'Well, that's one way of looking at it,' said Nathan, thinking that it wasn't his way of looking at it.
Mark sighed. 'So how long are you going to completely ignore every other single attractive woman you meet for?'
Nathan half-smiled. Put that way, it did sound a little ridiculous. 'Maybe until I can trust my judgement again.'
'Don't you think you're being a little hard on yourself?'
'Perhaps. But at least I won't get hurt that way.'
Mark's phone rang, and he put one hand on the receiver. 'Listen,' he said. 'Let me buy you lunch later. We'll talk about this some more.'
'I'm not sure,' said Nathan, hesitantly.
'What else are you going to do? Ride your bike past Ellie's office again just to see if you can spot her through the window?'
'That was a year ago.'
'And two years ago. So you better meet me here at one, otherwise it might become a habit.'
As Mark picked his phone up, Nathan stared at his friend, and nodded resignedly.
Julie snapped the battery cover onto her phone as she headed back up the stairs, her hands still shaking a little. It'd been the first time she'd been alone with Mark Webster since that fateful night, and she'd had to work hard to keep her cool, though at least he hadn't seen her drop her phone like a nervous schoolgirl as soon as she'd left his office.
While she'd been hoping her enquiry about the Valentine's card Sophie had sent Nathan might make Mark let something slip about the card and balloons she suspected he'd sent her, in truth, he'd seemed almost to make a point of not mentioning anything. Then again, she supposed, perhaps quizzing him about his friend's sexuality wasn't the best way to achieve that, and in any case, if it had been him who'd sent them, how would he have done it, apart from asking her directly whether she'd liked them? Given how he'd never even mentioned their kiss apart from his clumsy 'did you have fun'
question the following morning, Julie didn't think he was the 'asking directly' type. And while she'd promised herself that if he didn't, then she'd bring it up herself, when the time had come, she'd lost her nerve.
Still, Julie thought, even if Mark hadn't quite been as straight with her as she'd have liked, at least Sophie would be pleased with the news that Nathan was. She headed back up to the office to tell her, popping into the kitchen on the way to get a drink, and almost bumped into Mary from admin, who was filling her "I ♥ cats" mug up with hot water from the kettle.
'Not out of coffee, are we?' said Julie, nodding towards the mug of clear liquid.
'Oh, just hot water and lemon for me,' said Mary. She retrieved a plastic bag from the fridge labelled 'Mary's - hands off', then removed a slice of lemon from the bag and dropped it into the cup. 'Helps keep my weight down.'
To what? Julie wondered, trying not to look surprised. Mary was almost as round as she was tall. Fifteen stone?
Mary waited as Julie made herself a coffee, updating her on the latest devastating issue the admin team were having to face, which as far as Julie could tell simply amounted to Benedict, the new intern not being as 'hot' as the previous one, then the two of them walked back towards the admin area. 'So, Julie,' she continued, sitting down at her desk, where a huge card with a picture of a cat sitting on a heart-shaped cushion on the front dwarfed her computer monitor. 'Will you be joining us at the bowling this evening?'
'Well, I thought I... Someone's sent you a Valentine's card?' said Julie, trying desperately to keep the surprise out of her voice.
Mary was beaming up at her. 'Maybe.'
'May I?'
Mary nodded, so Julie picked the card up and read the inscription.
'Who's Mister Whiskers?'
'He's my cat.'
Julie tried to keep a straight face. Given her nickname in the office, Julie's first thought had been that Mister Whiskers was 'hairy' Mary's pet name for her husband, rather than just the name of her pet.
'Your... Cat sent you a Valentine's card?'
'Oh yes. We exchange them every year.'
'Exchange?' Julie had to bite her lip to stop herself from laughing. 'And what about...' Julie thought hard. 'I mean, does your husband not send you one?'
Mary made a face. 'Why did you think I was married?'
'Because...' Julie wanted to remind Mary of the times she'd said she was going home to 'him indoors', or even point out the ring she was wearing on her wedding finger, but if that turned out to have been a gift from Mister Whiskers, she wasn't sure she'd be able to hold herself together. Besides, Julie was married, but she wasn't wearing her ring. 'I just assumed...'
'Oh no,' interrupted Mary. 'Who needs a man, when you've got someone like Mister Whiskers waiting for you at home?'
'Well...'
'Men are unreliable,' continued Mary. 'And cruel. And selfish. At least, my ex-husband was. Whereas cats... They love you whatever.' She gazed adoringly at the framed photograph of a tortoiseshell cat behind her keyboard. 'You should get one. If you're not with anyone, that is.'
Julie just smiled politely. If this was her future, she was dreading it.
'So,' Mary leant in conspiratorially towards Julie, giving her a close-up of the sprouting growths on her chin that had earned her the nickname. 'You didn't answer my question.'
'What question?' said Julie, wondering just how long she could keep her home situation a secret.
'Whether you're going tonight. To Nathan's little thing.' Mary nudged her. 'Though from what I hear, Nathan's thing isn't that...'
'Yes,' said Julie, quickly. 'I am. I thought it might be...' She so wanted to use the word fun, but like she'd mentioned to Nathan earlier, it was bowling. 'An idea.'
'No-one at home waiting for you, then?'
Julie wanted to tell Mary to mind her own business, but she remembered how sensitive she could be, though of course, to have said 'no' wouldn't have been a lie. She was pretty sure the last thing Philip would be doing this evening was waiting for her. She took a large gulp of coffee. 'No one like Mister Whiskers.'
'Well, get a cat, then,' said Mary.
Julie sighed to herself. If only the answer to her problems was that easy. 'I'll think about it,' she said, and Mary beamed at her again.
'It's a shame about that Nathan, though.'
Julie raised both eyebrows. 'What is?'
'You don't know?'
Julie wondered whether this was the gay thing. Despite Mark's denial, she hoped she wouldn't have to disappoint Sophie. 'Know what?'
'Well, I don't like to gossip.'
Julie almost did a double-take. If there was one thing Mary liked to do – and it certainly didn't seem to be 'work' - it was gossip. 'But?'
'Let's just say there's a reason he organises these nights.'
'Really?'
'Something in his past.' Mary tapped the side of her nose with her index finger. 'Bit of a dark horse. Just like that Mark Webster.'
Julie caught her breath. 'Mark Webster?'
Mary nodded, and Julie felt suddenly nervous. 'Rumour has it...' She stopped talking as Paul from legal strode past, examining a piece of paper as intently as if it contained next week's winning lottery numbers.
'Go on.'
'You haven't heard?' Mary's face lit up at the prospect of sharing another bit of gossip. 'Well, you know how he usually acts so... What's the word?'
Julie didn't dare suggest one. 'I don't know.'
'Professional. That's it. Well, apparently, at the Christmas party, he was seen leaving with someone.'
Julie tried to keep her voice level. 'And?'
'With someone.' Mary raised and lowered her eyebrows like a ventriloquist's dummy. 'And he's an accountant!'
Julie wondered what that had to do with anything. 'And did anyone see... I mean, does anyone know who it was?'
Mary shrugged. 'Too dark to tell, unfortunately.' She nodded towards the filing cabinet in the corner, where a girl was rummaging around in one of the drawers. 'But Aisleen saw him. Or rather, him and some bimbo.'
'Really?' Julie peered at Aisleen, who she remembered had been so drunk that night she could hardly stand up. And given the standard of her work - due to the fact she refused to wear her glasses in the office 'because they made her look nerdy' - Julie was surprised she'd even recognised Mark.
Mary looked at her. 'You left about the same time, didn't you?'
Julie caught her breath. 'I can't remember. You know what it's like at those dos. A few too many Cosmopolitans...'
'So you didn't see anything?'
Julie shook her head, and Mary looked disappointed. She wasn't good at making office small talk, and in truth, she'd felt out of her comfort zone the moment Mary had started talking about Mister Whiskers. The important thing was that no-one seemed to suspect she was the bimbo who'd shared a cab with Mark that night. And though Julie didn't feel particularly proud of what she was about to do, there was one way to reinforce that.
'And you're sure it wasn't Aisleen that Mark left with? You know, she might be saying it was someone else as a cover story.'
Mary's eyes widened. 'Do you think?'
Julie shrugged. 'Like I said, I didn't see anything. But you never know.'
Mary considered this for a moment. 'But she's a married woman.'
Julie hoped Mary hadn't seen her flinch. 'But Mark's not married, is he?'
Mary shrugged. 'I suppose not.'
'And there's no proof that he...' She cleared her throat. 'Did anything with that woman. Whoever she was.'
Mary looked at her as if she was stupid. 'Come on, Julie. He's a man. They'd both been drinking. It was Christmas... It doesn't take a genius to know something must have happened.'
'Why?'
'Mark Webster. I would. Wouldn't you?'
'I suppose he is nice looking,' said Julie, trying not to shudder at the thought of Mary and Mark together. 'And what about you, Mary?' she continued, keen to move the conversation away from Mark
. 'Anyone you've got your eye on this evening?'
Mary blushed. 'Oh no. I couldn't.'
Julie wondered if that was because of Mister Whiskers. 'Why not?'
Mary gave Aisleen a sideways glance, then turned her attention to her computer screen. 'I wouldn't want to get myself a reputation,' she said primly, indicating the conversation was over.
Julie gulped down the rest of her coffee, dropped her cup back in the kitchen, then made her way back to her office, thinking about Mary's last words. That, she knew, was the reason she ought to keep things on a professional level with Mark. It was different for a man - things like that didn't affect your standing in the office. Whereas for a woman, once people started talking about you... Well, she'd worked with people in the past who'd been hounded out of their jobs by vicious rumours, and the last thing she wanted was to be the subject of office gossip. Who knew what stories were circulating about her already? As far as she could tell, Mark didn't seem to have told anyone about what had happened that night, though Julie knew she could take that as a bad sign - perhaps he thought it wasn't worth telling anyone about. And besides, what if they did start something, and it all went pear-shaped? The office was too small for the two of them to avoid each other. She had to face it - her current relationship had gone wrong. What was to say her next one wouldn't either?
And yet, Julie knew that sometimes, you had to take a risk. After all, what was the alternative? A lifetime ignoring hair that grew out of inappropriate places on your face, and the shame of sending yourself Valentine's cards 'signed' by your cat? If that was where she was headed, then Julie would gladly take being talked about behind her back. Trouble was, she knew she couldn't lead Mark on then let him down second time, plus how would Philip react if she came home late tonight, of all nights? Or didn't come home at all? Of course, she realised she was being a little presumptuous. After all, she had no way of being positive the card and the balloons were from Mark, and she had to admit he'd hardly been pursuing her with a vengeance since Christmas. But a woman could tell when someone was interested, and Julie hadn't had someone interested in her for so long she was doubly sure of it.
She knew she was possibly on the rebound, and didn't necessarily want Mark to be the person she left Philip for, only to work all her unresolved issues out on him. What did they call these – sorbet relationships? Something light to cleanse the palate after something, well, heavy? But if she did decide to go for it, she'd just have to take that chance, and besides, Julie felt that she could have something special with Mark. She believed in chemistry, a spark, and she'd certainly felt one that night. When she'd first joined Seek, and Mark had run her through the finer points of her contract, she'd remembered noticing how good looking he was, but that had been all – she'd been too immersed in things with Philip back then to do anything about it. And besides, she hadn't suspected how good it could be between the two of them until they'd kissed.