by Anna J.
Jalil chatted away; he was so happy to see his dad. Jaden looked occupied by her own thoughts, playing more with her food than actually eating it. I wondered if my baby girl felt what was going on between her parents. She was definitely a daddy’s girl, but lately she’d been kind of withdrawn.
We finished up and went to sit on the back patio so the kids could play on the swings and seesaw we had built to match their clubhouse. The neighbor’s children were outside, so they were too happy to see their friends. I sat on the lounge chair opposite James so I could have a good view of the kids. They looked so happy and carefree as they raced up and down the slide and around the yard. I remembered similar days and longed for life to be that simple again.
For a while James stayed in his seat across from me, staring directly at me. I knew he wanted to talk, but I wouldn’t be the one to initiate the conversation. I honestly didn’t want to talk about it with the kids there, just in case I wanted to use a few choice words to get my point across. At the same time I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me in his arms and make the pain go away. I wanted to be a family again.
James got up and sat next to me, draping his arm across my shoulder, my head finding a place to rest on his shoulder out of habit. Nothing made sense to me at that moment. I still wanted to be mad at him for what happened, but I loved him so much I honestly couldn’t stay upset forever. It felt good being in his arms, his chin resting on top of my head, his breathing like a lullaby. I closed my eyes and breathed in the scent of my man, wrapping my arms around his waist in comfort.
“Jazz, I’m so sorry things ended up this way,” James began as we cuddled on the patio. My eyes remained closed as I listened to his words. His voice sounded deeper with my head pressed against his chest.
“James, can we talk about this later?” I wanted to talk, but I knew right then wouldn’t be a good time.
I wanted to enjoy the moment before it got tense again. He breathed a long sigh, and his grip tightened around me. I held on to him like my life depended on it as I watched the kids play, so innocent at that age. Jaden was the bossy one and Jalil was a natural born leader. I smiled on the inside at what I was able to bring into the world. As hectic as my life had been lately, when I looked at our children they reminded me that peace still existed on this twisted planet we call home.
James put his finger under my chin, lifting my face up to meet his. At first I thought he was going to kiss me, and I wouldn’t have resisted. To my surprise he just stared at me, tears threatening to fall from his pretty brown eyes. I wanted to put his soul at ease and let him know everything was OK, but we both knew it wasn’t.
“Jazz, I know I messed up, baby. Just know that I love you more than life itself and I’ll do whatever I have to do to make this right. I know you don’t want to talk right now and I respect that. I just want you to know that I need you in my life. I need my children, and I need us to be a family again. I love you, Jazz, I really do. Can we please just work this out? I feel like I’m suffocating.”
Our tears dropped simultaneously when he leaned his head down to kiss my lips. I could feel the electricity pass through my body into his as our tongues explored familiar territory. For a second I forgot how crazy everything was as I kissed my husband, the man I swore to love through sickness and health until death parted us. The man I bore children for, the love of my life.
As our kiss ended I knew that it was almost time to come back home to our house and live as a family again, but we had so much to talk about first. The closet was now wide open and skeletons were practically sprinting out of it and dancing on Broad Street. It was time for us to do some soul searching and come clean. Myself included.
For the next couple of hours we just sat and held each other, engrossed in our own thoughts. It wasn’t until the sky turned burnt orange, indicating the end of another day, that I gathered the kids up so we could leave. They had a fit as we put them into the jeep. They did not want to leave their father. There were too many things left unsaid, too much hurt. James kissed the kids goodnight, then walked around to the driver’s side where I was standing.
We embraced for what felt like an eternity, neither of us wanting to let go. We kissed one last time before I got into my jeep to leave. He leaned into the window to kiss me again. I pulled away, my tears making me see double for a second.
“Mommy, I miss Daddy. Will we be going back home soon?” Jalil asked as he and his sister yawned, trying to fight sleep. Their time in the yard had exhausted their little bodies.
“I miss Daddy too, baby. But don’t worry, we’ll be home soon enough.”
That answer must have been good enough for both of them as we continued our ride back to my brother’s house, but as I listened to the Quiet Storm on the radio, my thoughts wandered to a happier time in my life when everything felt like it was perfect. I wanted to be there again, but things had to be smoothed out first. It was going to take some time for us to completely heal and bounce back. We had to learn how to trust again, and that might be our biggest hump to get over.
I let the melody from the radio take me back to a time when I had no doubts. Now doubt was all over me like a second skin. I wanted to know so much, but in a way I didn’t. Crazy thoughts ran rampant through my head all the way back to my temporary home. I wanted my life back, and was determined to get it, no matter what.
When I pulled into the driveway I could see my brother and his wife in the kitchen. I hated disturbing their household, feeling more like an intruder than a guest. Although my brother said he didn’t mind the company, I felt like I was an added burden to their peaceful lives. They weren’t used to kids, toys, and crayons everywhere.
By the time I turned the ignition off, my brother was outside helping me remove my sleeping babies from the backseat. I could see the concern in his eyes, and was thankful that he waited until the kids were in bed before he questioned me.
“So,” he began with a sad look on his face, “how’d it go?”
I broke down in tears as I told him and his wife about my afternoon. It was so painful not being with my husband, and seeing him made it worse. I told him about the offer James made for us to talk tonight, and surprisingly my brother agreed. He gave me his blessing, assuring me that watching the kids wouldn’t be a problem while I handled my business at home. He also warned me to keep my legs closed, reminding me that now wasn’t the time to give in to lust. I kept his words and his blessing in my heart as I drove back to the city, back toward my husband, hoping to accomplish something positive.
James
Confessions
“Everything that I’ve been doing is all bad. I gotta chick on the side with the crib and a ride. I been telling you so many lies. Ain’t none good, it’s all bad. I just wanna confess, it’s been going on so long and I been doing you so wrong. And I want you to know that . . .”
My heart had to be racing faster than the speed of light. Every time I saw a headlight flash through my window I jumped up, only to be disappointed to see the car pass by my driveway. My mind told me that Jazz wasn’t coming back to talk, but my heart held on to the hope that she would. Every time my footsteps echoed around this empty house I missed the sounds and fulfillment of having my family there with me.
I remembered a time when we couldn’t wait to fill our house with children. Every time I looked at Jasmine, whether she was awake or sleeping, I just wanted to be close to her because she was the love of my life. My father told me never to love anyone more than I loved myself, but when it came to my wife and kids, that was impossible. I would lay down my very soul to save theirs, and not having them as a part of my everyday life was killing me. Every time I stepped across the doorway I felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of the room, leaving me to deal with my fears and skeletons on my own. My mistakes followed me around the house like a bad spirit.
OK, having an affair was a selfish act. Bringing Jazz into it made it worse, but that didn’t mean I didn’t love my wife and kids. It sh
owed how stupid I was, and I was paying for it every time I stepped into my empty house.
Pacing back and forth in front of the couch was surely wearing out the carpet, but I couldn’t rest. I wanted to hop in my car and follow her over, but I knew she wouldn’t have liked that. I was trying to give her space so she could come to me willingly, but how much longer would I have to wait? It’d been like an hour and a half since she had left and I knew it didn’t take that long to get to the north side. I wanted to call her brother’s house, but I didn’t want to seem too pushy. I felt like the walls were caving in on me as I tried to make sense of it all.
I got excited as I heard the sound of the doorbell and I figured it was Jazz.
I didn’t want it to look like I was going through an ordeal. I wanted to look like I was chillin’. Taking a quick look around the room, I made sure the lamps were down low enough to set the scene. I pulled out the photo albums from our wedding day, her pregnancy, and pictures of the kids as they grew up, hoping they would aid in getting Jasmine to change her mind and come back. I had a bottle of apple cider chilled in a bucket with two glasses, not wanting any alcohol to cloud our vision and have us do something we would regret later. When I opened my door it was my neighbor reminding me to roll up my car windows before I turned in for the night.
A half hour later I found myself dozing off in front of the television. I was mad as hell that Jazz didn’t show, but at the same time I didn’t have a right to be mad. I got caught with my pants down, literally, and I couldn’t really be all that upset that she didn’t want to talk. Deciding to call it a night, I clicked the television off.
The moment I turned off the television I heard the sound of a doorbell ringing, but I wasn’t sure if that had been a sound that the televison made before I turned it off.
Hoping for the best, I quickly rushed to the door, but I paused before opening it because I didn’t want to seem too anxious. Then the bell rang again, so I finally decided to open it up and let Jazz inside the house.
Unfortunately, when I opened the door I got the absolute shock of my life. It wasn’t Jazz who was standing at the door, it was the two strippers from the Cat House, Desire and Ina! The two of them were standing at my front door looking as strip-pered out as they could look, with the stilettos and all. They instantly got me aroused even though my heart had dropped to my feet because I knew Jasmine could be pulling up to the house at any moment.
“Hey, Papi!” Ina said in her thick, Puerto Rican accent. “We decided to stop by on our way to the club and see if you wanted us to hit you off before the night started.” Ina continued while letting herself into the foyer of my house while simultaneously caressing my dick.
“Oh shit!” I said while I smirked a devilish laugh that was combined with a nervous smile.
Before I could say anything else, Desire had also entered into the foyer and proceeded to make her way into the living room. She looked as if she was preparing to take off her clothes so that we could do the damn thing. She made sure that she reminded me that it had been my idea to have her and Ina “surprise me” as she stated in a somewhat mocking tone.
“Yeah, yeah I know what I said. But listen for real for real both of y’all gots to go! Not now but right now! My wife is literally on her way here as we speak. I thought it was her at the door when the two of y’all rang the bell.”
“See, Desire? I told you he was a fronting-ass nigga! We see them all the time in the club fronting like they got dough and shit but when it comes time to make it do what it do then they start frontin’ and bitchin’ up!” Ina stated.
“Nah, wait a minute. Fuck that! Yo’ ass told us we could stop by here any night we wanted to to hit you off and you would hit us off with two hundred dollars apiece! Fuck that, I want my money! Unannounced! Just show up and I got y’all!” Desire stated as she mocked me by imitating what I had said to them one night. It had to have been the Hennessey that was talking for me when I had said that, but hey, I was in a jam and I had to think and act quick because if Jazz were to walk in on this then I could forget about it!
“Ok, ok. Look, I got y’all.” I said as I reached into my pocket and pulled out a wad of money.
And just as I took out the money, sure enough I saw headlights outside.
“Ahh shit! Motherfucker!” I yelled as I had looked out the window and confirmed that the headlights were indeed Jasmine’s.
“Listen! Just take this and split it. I’m sure it’s more than enough and I don’t have time to count it. That’s my wife who just pulled up and if she finds the two of y’all in here she will kill all of us!”
“You know, I really don’t need this bullshit!” Desire stated in her ghetto accent. “We got money to make. We don’t have time to be playing around with you and your clown ass!”
“Desire, listen. Both of y’all please just do me this solid and hide in this closet right here next to the front door. I’ll make sure I leave the front door open and when my wife comes in I’ll walk to another room with her and when y’all don’t hear us talking y’all can come out of the closet and walk out of the front door and bounce,” I said in a rushed and panicked tone while pushing both Ina and Desire toward and into the foyer closet.
“I can’t believe this nigga!” Desire stated as Ina sounded as if she were cursing me out in Spanish.
No sooner were the two of them crammed into the closet, than Jasmine was walking through the front door.
“Hey, James,” she said as my heart raced a thousand beats per second.
I hesitated at first, but then held my arms open for a hug. She stepped into my arms without a second thought, and I closed my arms around her, hoping she didn’t feel my thumping heartbeat. Although I was nervous as hell, it felt so good to have her body pressed against mine, her strawberry shampoo a familiar scent to me. She stepped back long enough to close the door and lock it.
We then sat down at opposite ends of the couch, leaving the middle cushion empty. Jasmine’s back was to the foyer area where the two strippers were hiding. Neither one of us wanted to be the first to speak, but we both knew we had a lot of things to talk about. At this point I was ready to do whatever I had to do to have my family back. But as I looked and saw Ina and Desire tiptoeing in stilettos, making their way out of the closet and to the front door, I knew that if Jazz just slightly turned around that I could forget it as far as ever getting my family back.
“Well,” Jasmine said as she looked everywhere but at me. Thank God she didn’t turn her head. “I guess I should start by apologizing.”
“For what?” I was confused. I was the one caught ass out on the table with her secretary and a woman I wasn’t supposed to have any ties to outside of the threesome we had planned. All she ever did was try to be the woman I wanted her to be.
“For everything. The fact that you thought you had to step outside of our marriage to find satisfaction. If I was on point you wouldn’t have had a reason to look anywhere else.” I could see the tears welling up in her eyes, but what could I do? I could also see Ina and Desire safely making it out the front door and, man, was I ever relieved. I knew I could then focus on what Jasmine was actually saying.
“Jazz, listen, had I not pressured you into having the threesome in the first place, none of this would’ve happened. You only did it to make me happy, and it got out of hand. Monica was conniving anyway, and she wanted us to be at each other’s throats. It’s not your fault, Jazz.”
“As true as that may be, James, I feel like we would have been cool if we had just talked. Tonight I’m going to tell you some things that may hurt you—things that you may never forgive me for—but I need to tell you what happened if only to clear my own heart so I can sleep at night.”
“Baby, we don’t have to get into all that now. We can take it one day at a time. I just need you and the kids back here with me. I can’t live without you, Jazz.” I was hoping my tactic was working because Lord knew I didn’t want to tell her what really went down. She would be o
ut of there for sure if she knew I wasn’t straight with her about Monica and me from the beginning. And she would have really been out had I dry snitched on myself and told her about how I was wilding out with the strippers from the Cat House. And if there was one thing I knew, it was that there was no way in hell I was going to tell her about that.
We got comfortable—or as comfortable as was possible considering the situation—on the couch so we could talk further. The first thing she did was pick up our wedding album. I sat back and kept my mouth shut as she quietly flipped through the pages, some of the photos producing a slight giggle at the memory. She stared at some pictures a little longer than others. I let her take her time because I wanted things to be like they were then.
“So,” she began after putting the album down, “let’s get this done. I’ll tell you everything you should know about the past year, and I want to know everything on your part. Answer the questions honestly no matter how hurtful, OK?”
“Cool.” I was sweating already. What I had to say would cut deep, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to reveal it. “Where do you want me to start?”
“The beginning. How did you really meet Monica?”
“I met her at a Bistro in Center City. She would always be there on my lunch break.”
“So, the story about her being your friend’s sister or whatever was a lie?” she asked as she got up and poured herself a glass of apple cider. The room seemed to get twenty degrees hotter in a matter of seconds. I didn’t want to be questioned first, but somehow it was flipped on me, and I was stuck.
“Yes, I didn’t want you to think she was just any ol’ body off the street.”
“So when did you actually start sleeping with her?”
“Maybe two weeks before we had the threesome,” I lied with a straight face. It was more like two months before then, but I didn’t want her to think she wasn’t satisfying me for that long.