by Anna J.
Yeah, I knew it was the time to lay all of the cards on the table so we could move on, but I just couldn’t do it. Too much was at stake, and in keeping it honest, I really didn’t think it was a matter of her not pleasing me. Jazz was a beast in the bedroom. I truly believed it was just one of those opportunities that maybe I shouldn’t have taken advantage of.
“So, how did the threesome come about?” Jazz quizzed as she sipped from her cup. She didn’t seem fazed by what I was telling her, but then again, who was to say she wasn’t ready to cut me right then?
“Well, I was up front with her from the very beginning about being married. I guess she just kind of wore me down, and after I slept with her she kept pressuring me about bringing you in once I showed her a picture of you.”
“I see. How many times did you sleep with her before we all got together?” Jazz asked with a straight face. She was too calm, and I wanted her to do something besides just sit there. I needed her to show some kind of emotion.
“Twice,” I responded as I reached for a glass so I could drink something. She had only asked me a few questions, but I was already falling apart at the seams.
“So, after sleeping with her only twice she was able to convince you into convincing me?”
“Well, not exactly. I had been trying to get you to do it way before I met her, don’t you remember? But it wasn’t until she came along that I brought it back up, and I decided that if I had to share you with someone, why not Monica? You both looked beautiful together.”
I was thinking I may have said too much because Jazz was looking like she was ready to blow. She was keeping her composure, but I could tell she was getting upset.
“How did Sheila become a part of the equation?” Jazz asked in a somewhat calm tone, but the look on her face and her body language showed she was ready to hurt somebody. I knew she said she wanted the truth, but I didn’t think she wanted it as raw as I was giving it to her.
“Well, to be perfectly honest, I really don’t know. After the threesome I saw Monica a couple of times when we happened to run into each other. Well, you know how persuasive Monica can be.”
“Yeah, how ’bout that,” she said as she picked up the other photo album and started flipping through it.
I could tell the conversation was getting to be too much for her, but at that point I agreed we had to get it done so we could move forward. We hadn’t even begun to scratch the surface, and there was still much more to work through.
“Well, is there anything you want to know about me?” Jazz asked.
“Just tell me what you think I should know.”
As she flipped through the album she told me about the flowers Monica kept sending to her office, and how the woman Monica was talking about the day I saw her at the courthouse was her. She said she even contemplated leaving me to be with Monica on several occasions, but she didn’t want to do that to the kids.
“James, you know I love you with all of my heart, and even though I thought about leaving, I knew it was pure lust that was pointing me in her direction, but you or our kids didn’t deserve that.”
She went into detail about how she went to Monica’s house on nights when I thought she was working, and that Monica was determined to make her fall in love with her. She said she was hurt because even though we both were wrong, the position I got caught in was unforgettable, and she didn’t really know what to do to get past it. I listened as my wife poured her heart out, and I felt like shit because I still wasn’t keeping it totally real with her.
“So, is there anything else I should know, James? We need to get this out and over before it’s too late,” she said as she wiped tears from her cheeks. I wanted to hold her, but I knew there was no way to stop the hurt.
“Well, there is one thing,” I said before clearing my throat. I was only telling her this because I didn’t want her to find out from someone on the low. Yeah, I had left out a lot, but this would make or break our marriage, and I wasn’t sure I could live with that.
“OK, what is it?” she asked as she moved to the end of the couch to stand up.
“Jazz,” I began, placing my hand on her knee so she would remain seated, because if she stood up she would surely fall back down.
“James, just go ahead and say it, baby. Whatever it is, I can handle it.”
“Well, baby . . . Monica’s pregnant.”
Monica
May, 1991
Monica,
I’ve been liking you for a long time. Meet me behind the bleachers at three o’clock so we can make it happen . . . I think I love you.
Kevin
I got the note at nine in the morning when I went to get my algebra book out my locker for class. I must have read it at least fifty times during the course of the day, not believing what I read. Kevin was the captain of the school football team, and was fine as hell. He’d led the team to victory three years in a row, and all the college scouts were on him like crazy. I had been eyeballing him since I transferred to the Parkway Gamma High School, but who was I to approach anyone? That was my second year there, and he never looked my way or said anything to me until now. Yeah, he laughed at the jokes that I always managed to be the butt of, but he never said anything mean to me.
Transferring to a new school was killing me. Between trying to make new friends, which didn’t seem to be working out, keeping up in class, and keeping Uncle Darryl off me, I didn’t think I was going to make it. I felt like the chick from The Color Purple, and Uncle Darryl was Mister. The only thing I was missing in this situation was the pretty sister to help me deal with the mess. She lucked up and got to stay with her people.
All I wanted to do was get my education so I could get the hell out of there. The people at school were not the least bit friendly, and I’d gotten into a fistfight or two because of it. Since I was considered the ugly duckling of the class, I was nowhere near popular.
Well, it was 2:53 P.M. By the time I put my books in the locker and walked across the field, Kevin should be there. Checking the mirror in my locker, I made sure my hair was in order as I put lip-gloss on my lips and slicked down my eyebrows. I took only the books I needed and stuffed the rest in my locker, rushing out the school so I could make it on time.
As I walked across the field, all kinds of thoughts rushed through my head. Maybe he was going to ask me to go with him to the junior prom. I had heard that he and Ashley broke up, so this would be right on time. Ashley was head cheerleader and a damn snob. She could jump the highest and had the longest pigtails. Every girl wanted to be her or be her friend. She treated me like shit, so I stayed far away from her and the members in her crew. I hadn’t even discussed the prom with Uncle Darryl yet, but I would get around to it when he wasn’t drunk. Whenever that was.
As I approached the bleachers I spotted Kevin sitting on his jacket smoking a joint. His eyelids were already at half-mast from the effects of the illegal drug he was puffing on. I took all of him in as I approached. His body was toned. His T-shirt stuck to his chest from the warmth of the afternoon, defining his muscles. By the time I sat next to him I was a wet mess and nervous as hell.
“You looking real cute in them jeans, girl.” Kevin was rubbing his large hands up and down my legs, squeezing my thighs in the process. My nipples were hard on my flat, boy-like chest, making me sort of embarrassed that I was responding in that way.
“Thanks, Kevin. I’m glad you like them.”
“I like you. I’ve been watching you for a while, waiting to kiss those pretty lips of yours. You have a sex appeal about you that I just can’t explain, but I like it. I like it a lot,” he said to me through kisses on my earlobe.
I was too naive to recognize game. All I knew was this didn’t feel like what Uncle Darryl did to me on a regular basis. This felt real, like how it should be. I felt myself falling fast for him, and by the time his lips touched mine, I was in love.
Kevin Hall was six feet even, caramel-skinned, and handsome as hell. Curly hair showed signs of his ancestry�
�a mother who was Japanese and a father who was African American and Cuban. His slanted, hazel eyes had all the ladies salivating over him in hopes of one day being the one to wear his team chain and football jacket. Out of all the girls in the school who were practically placing their panties in his hand, he had chosen to hang out with me on the one day he didn’t have practice. I felt like I had just hit the lottery. I couldn’t wait to see the expression on every girl’s face in the school when I walked in with his jacket on, especially that damn Ashley. I would make it my business to see her.
“Look, it’s getting kind of chilly. You wanna come to my house for a while? My parents won’t be in until later tonight, so it’s cool,” Kevin said as he took one last drag off his joint before grinding it in the dirt with the heel of his boot. It was actually hot as hell under those metal bleachers, but if that was his way of inviting me to the crib, I would play along.
“Sure, that’s cool, but I have to be home by five thirty or my uncle will have a fit.”
“Not a problem. We’ll be done by then.”
I acted like I didn’t hear his last comment as he helped me from the ground after dusting off the back of his jeans. We took the short way to the parking lot and hopped in his car so we could go to his house. His car was better than I’d expected. The engine was quiet on his 1990 Ford Tempo as we made our way down the street.
I melted in the leather seats as we listened to the Force MD’s sing about tears falling like rain. He had me from then on. Everyone else our age was listening to Kwame, Kriss Kross, Black Sheep, and The Notorious B. I. G. It was nothing to ride by and hear NWA screaming out “Fuck The Police” and KRS-1 trying to educate his people.
Dollar parties were where we all hollered about being down with O. P. P. and none of us really knew what it was. Every girl wanted to be a “gangsta bitch” like the one Apache rapped about, and bamboo earrings made you an around-the-way girl. In a day when rap music was king, this man was listening to a sound that wasn’t of his era. To me it made him look so much more mature, and it brought back memories of my mother and WDAS on the radio on Sunday nights.
He kept his eyes on the road, neither of us bothering to make small talk. I already knew what was going to happen, and I was trying to calm my nerves before we got there. My Uncle Darryl would have a fit if he knew I was with a boy and not at the library like I told him, but that was a chance I was willing to take. Out of all the girls he had, he chose me, and I was ready.
We pulled up to an enormous house not too far from the school. It was a single home with a well-groomed yard and a beautiful flowerbed. By the time I got my seatbelt off, he was already opening the door for me. I smiled as I exited the vehicle, grabbing my book bag.
The walk to his house felt like it was a mile long as we seemingly moved in slow motion all the way to his door. I heard nothing—no cars or anything else that I would normally hear on a busy afternoon. As I walked into his living room, I blocked out the outside world. It was like someone had hit the mute button, taking all of the sound from the planet. My heart was beating so fast I could have easily had a heart attack. Kevin appeared cool as he turned on the radio, and the song we were listening to in the car drifted from the speakers.
He took off his button-down shirt and sat down beside me. I damn near jumped out of my skin, because unlike outside, there was nowhere to run, no bleachers to hide behind, and no one to help me get out of the situation. It was just me, him, and my sweaty palms. I didn’t want to seem immature in his eyes, so when he leaned over and began to unbutton my shirt, I held my breath until he was done.
He took my small breasts into his hands before releasing them from my bra. The entire time I was wondering why we didn’t just go up to his room, but I was too shaken to speak. He pushed me back on his couch, and before I knew it my pants were undone and one leg was out. By then I was starting to panic, but I didn’t want him to think I was scared.
I tried to steady my breathing as he pulled out his penis. He was almost as big as my uncle, and Lord knows it wouldn’t fit inside me without ripping me in half. I moved to pull my pants back on and tell him I couldn’t do it, but before I could sit up, four of his friends, guys I recognized from the football team, came out of his living room closet, each grabbing a hold of me and pinning me down to the couch. One held a pillow over my face so no one would hear me scream, causing me to turn my face to the side so that I could still breathe.
The more I struggled, the harder they gripped me. The room was dark and my face was behind the pillow, so I couldn’t see who was doing what, and after awhile I just gave up the struggle as they took turns having their way with me. Uncle Darryl had only gotten the head in, but these boys tore into me like a bullet, the burning sensation unbearable. I just closed my eyes and cried silently as I listened to the Force MD’s sing on the radio. My tears fell like rain that day, and after they shoved me out the door once I put my clothes back on, I knew I would need a good, long cry as I made my way home.
Once I got home it went from bad to worse. Uncle Darryl was drunk as usual on the couch. One of his lady friends was over, but that really didn’t matter. I’m sure if she didn’t stay all night, he’d be in my room before the sun came up. Uncle Darryl wasn’t a bad looking brother, considering the kind of man he was. Standing six feet three inches with a solid build, skin the color of vanilla wafers, and jade green eyes, women were practically throwing themselves at him. That’s why I couldn’t see what he wanted with little old me.
I spoke a weak hello as I made my way by them and went straight to the bathroom. Locking the door, I stood in the tub after a painful urination and washed between my legs, removing the blood and semen from my earlier ordeal. I was still bleeding, so I grabbed a clean pair of underwear and a maxi pad from the closet before changing into a pair of sweats and a T-shirt. I then went to clean the kitchen.
I was in a daze as I simultaneously washed dishes and started dinner. While everything was simmering on the stove, I swept and mopped the kitchen floor before starting my homework. It hurt like hell to sit down, so I folded one of my legs under me to ease the pressure of sitting flat on the chair.
My mind was still in a state of shock as I calculated math problems and held back my tears. I really thought Kevin liked me. Had I known it would come to this, I never would have gone to his house, but how could I know? How would I face him in school the next day? All of these thoughts raced through my head as I fed my uncle and his friend, and cleaned the kitchen for the night, unable to eat anything myself. Instead of turning on my little black and white television, I lay in the dark until I cried myself to sleep.
I finally fell into a comfortable sleep. Just as I was going to turn over, I felt my uncle slipping into the bed next to me. My body stiffened automatically, and I held my breath as he grabbed roughly at my breast, the smell of liquor evident on his breath.
“Uncle Darryl,” I said through slightly parted lips as I held on to my pants. He was trying to pull them down and I was trying to keep them up. “Uncle Darryl, we can’t do this. My period is on.”
“Girl, since when did that matter? You know my motto, don’t chu girl? Don’t chu?” he asked as he continued to pull on my pants and tears ran down the sides of my face.
“Yes, Uncle Darryl,” I said between sobs. “I know the motto.”
“Then what is it?” he replied after he finally got my pants down and his Johnson out. “Say it, bitch! What is it?”
“Walk through mud . . . fuck through blood,” I said as he ripped my pants the rest of the way off and entered me fully for the first of many times.
“And don’t chu ever forget it!”
For the next hour he forced himself inside me, my stiffness not a concern of his in the least. For what seemed like the hundredth time that night, I cried silent tears as he took advantage of me over and over again. When he finally left, I didn’t bother to move as I watched his silhouette through the light in the door. He didn’t even bother to put it back in as
he rumbled through his pockets and threw something on the floor.
It wasn’t until morning that I discovered the two crumpled twenty-dollar bills and a Trojan condom wrapper. I picked the money up before I went to take a shower, only doing so after I made sure the coast was clear and Uncle Darryl had left for work. When I came back into the room I put that money with the rest of the money I got from him every time he did what he did to me.
In the back of my closet I had an old mayonnaise jar that I used to hide the money. Tears streamed down my face as I unfolded the six hundred dollars I already had there, adding the forty dollars to the bounty. One day I would have enough to move out, and hopefully that day would come soon.
When I got to school the next day, it felt like all eyes were on me. As I walked through the hallways in a daze, it seemed like everyone stopped what they were doing to look at me. I was still numb from the events of the previous day, so by the time I got to my locker I was unaware of the small crowd forming behind me.
After three tries I finally got the combination to my locker to work. When I opened it up piles of condoms fell out and landed at my feet. All I could do was stare as the crowd behind me burst into laughter. I didn’t even know how the condoms got in there, and I made no effort to pick them up as I took out the books I needed, causing more to fall from my locker and onto the floor. Closing the locker, I turned to squeeze through the crowd only to find myself face to face with Ashley.
“Figured you may need those since you like the group thing,” Ashley said, getting another round of laughter from the crowd. She had on Kevin’s jacket and chain. That was another slap in the face.
Embarrassed, I pushed through the crowd before they could see my tears drop. I walked as fast as I could down the hallway, stopping to pick up the books that kept falling from my arms along the way, the crowd taunting me in the background.
“There’s some plastic wrap here, too. Just in case you decide you wanna be a blow fish again,” Ashley called out behind me.