Finding Us (Happy Ending Resort Series Book 4)

by t. h. snyder

  Shaking my head, I can barely catch my breath as my hands begin to cramp into tight fists.

  “Sweet girl, I’m coming in,” he says.

  My eyes go wide as I hear the door knob beginning to turn while he enters his key into the lock. I can’t stop him from entering my apartment now that my attack is in full swing. My heart is pounding through my chest; my hands gripped together so tightly a numbing sensation starts to extend into my arms. Sweat begins to form along my brow, and all hopes of keeping my breathing under control are tossed out the window. I continue to stare at the door as he pushes it open, entering my home. His eyes instantly meet mine and the look on his face tells me he knows exactly what I’m going through right now. Rushing to the window he pulls me into his arms. I want so badly to fight him off, push him away and yell for him to walk away, but I can’t.

  Tristan holds me tightly as he pulls me down to the floor, cradling me in his arms. Tears fall from my eyes while my body shakes against his. The soft touch of his fingertips begins to run up and down my back in a soothing motion as he hushes away the sobs escaping my trembling lips. I’m trying so hard to focus on the motion along my back, paying close attention to the pattern of my breathing. My eyes close shut as I allow the calming touch of Tristan to set peace through my attack…

  I awake, my body aching like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck. As my eyes open, I take in my immediate surroundings.

  What the hell happened? How did I get on the couch?

  Instantly a flashback sweeps into my mind of Tristan holding onto me as a panic attack took over my mind and body.

  Was it a dream or reality?

  Tristan

  Standing in front of the bathroom vanity I lean down to splash cool water on my face. As I glance up at the reflection in the mirror, I barely recognize the man standing in front of me. My eyes are trimmed in red with dark circles showing lack of sleep and increase of stress. I can barely think let alone function. My stomach has been in knots since Chelby fell asleep in my arms. I’m not sure if I should be coming or going; the past few days have destroyed me.

  Does she want me here?

  Will she be angry when she wakes?

  What if she goes into another attack and kicks me out?

  Frustration boils through my blood knowing there’s not a God damn thing I can control right now. Looking down to my hands, my knuckles turn white as I grip them against the sink.

  Seeing Chelby fight through one of her attacks is a horrific struggle. I know there’s nothing I can do, but be there and hold her while it runs its course. A sense of helplessness starts to consume me, and I can’t stand it.

  I’m a grown ass man for Christ’s sake, and I’m a fucking mess.

  That woman lying in the other room is everything to me. How can someone so good have so much pain in this world? I’d give anything to take it all away, to show her that there is happiness that surrounds her. She’s so petite, so fragile that I’m scared she’ll break at any given moment. I just wish I could help her, yet I’m learning to understand she has to want it more than anyone else.

  Reaching for a towel, I dry off my face and clean up the mess I’ve made on the vanity. I need to get back out there. I don’t want her waking up confused because of what happened a few hours ago.

  Before stepping out of the bathroom, I take a deep breath as I attempt to put my emotions back in check. I need to be strong for her. With my right hand, I flip off the light and make my way out into the hallway.

  As I approach the living room, I see her small body is still curled up on the couch. My eyes focus on her as she begins to move.

  She’s awake.

  My motions stop and my feet freeze in place while I watch her stir. I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I’m acting like a fumbling idiot. I know this woman inside and out, what makes her tick and what makes her squirm.

  Why the hell am I so nervous right now?

  Running my fingers through my hair, I close my eyes and count to ten.

  One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight…

  “Tristan,” her sleepy voice calls.

  My eyes pop open to see her sitting up on the couch looking at me like I’ve grown an extra limb. Her head is cocked to the side, her eyes squinting, and her brow furrowed.

  Realizing I’m still standing here like a moron, I pick my feet up and move in her direction. As I approach the couch, I bend down before her pushing a strand of hair away from her face.

  She leans away from my touch, and my heart immediately hurts to see her reaction. Standing, I take a step back and sit on the couch across from her. The expression on her face is still one that shows confusion. I want so badly to pull her into my arms and tell her we’ll get through this; we’ll get through anything as long as we are together…but I can’t, not right now.

  “I’m sorry, did I wake you?” I ask leaning my elbows onto my legs.

  Shaking her head, she positions her feet beneath her body and pulls the blanket up over herself.

  “Are you cold?” I ask, my eyes moving from hers to the floor.

  Shit, this feels more like an inquisition that a typical conversation with my girlfriend.

  We sit in silence for what seems like forever. Placing my head in my hands I hate that things feel so awkward between us. Why does it have to be like this? It’s killing me to not rush over to her, take her in my arms and hold onto her without ever worrying that I’ll have to let her go.

  “Tristan,” she quietly calls out to me.

  Lifting my head from my hands, I look into her blue eyes. Filled with so much sadness, they’re still the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.

  “What is it, Chelby?” I ask mentally praying she’ll ask me to come to her.

  She lifts her hands from beneath the blanket, resting them in her lap as she fiddles with the loose strands of material. Her eyes move from mine to the floor while she chews on her bottom lip. My stomach churns as my heart begins to race. I know this woman too well, and all of her actions are nervous reactions. She has something to say, but she’s scared…damn it, I don’t want her ever to feel this way when I’m with her.

  “Chelby, whatever it is you want to say to me, just say it. There’s no reason to be afraid or nervous; it’s me.”

  I can’t take it; I need to be close to her. Getting up from my seat I move over to the other couch and take a seat next to her. She continues to watch my every move, not saying a word. I reach for her hand and pull it into mine intertwining our fingers. I feel like a high school kid on his first date, my palms are sweaty, and the sound of my racing heart can be heard as an echo throughout the room.

  “I’m sorry, Tristan, for everything,” she whimpers as tears begin to fill her eyes.

  Moving closer to her I take my hand and run my fingers along the side of her face.

  “You never have to be sorry for anything, Chelby. I’m here for you and always will be.”

  “No, Tristan,” she cries out. “You don’t understand. I’m sorry for what I have done and what I have to do. Walking away from you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I know it’s what’s best for you. The things I said to you. Every word of it killed me inside. We both know that things have been hard for a long time. I can’t keep doing this. I can’t pretend that things will get better when I can clearly see that they won’t. You have so much to give, and I don’t.”

  I watch as the tears trickle down her face. Her body is shaking, her fingers gripping onto mine as if she knows this is the last moment we’ll have together. My mind is working in overdrive trying to process the words that have come out of her mouth. She’s willing to let go and stop fighting for what we’ve always known we had.

  Through it all, we held onto the fact that our love was strong enough to overcome everything, but now as she looks away from me I’m beginning to feel the distance grow. As much as I don’t want to give up on us, the realization hits me. It’s Chelby that needs to find us again.

>   Chapter 4

  Two Weeks Later

  Tristan

  Resting my head on my hands, I lean both elbows forward on top of the stained wooden desk while I try to finish my paperwork for the day. As I look up from the stack of papers, I glance over to a photo of me and Chelby from last summer. For days I’ve been staring at this picture, it’s all I have to hold on to right now. She’s made her choice quite clear that we can no longer be together. As much as I want to fight and disagree with her, she needs to find it within herself to want what we once had.

  I’ve become a shell of a man, walking around like a zombie. Sleep deprivation has set in, and I’m not quite sure how the hell I’m sitting here at the station functioning. No matter what I try to do, I can’t get her out of my head. After leaving her apartment that day I’ve tried to rid her from my mind, but it’s no use…I can’t do it.

  The look on her face when she told me she couldn’t love me any longer shred every fiber in my body. It was as if a knife tore into my side and gutted every emotion I ever felt for her. Her eyes were glassy with tears, yet her expression was emotionless. She was void of any feelings, like she had thought long and hard over making the easiest decision of her life.

  I don’t know that I’ll be able to move on, I’ll always think if her and worry if she’s okay. For the most part, she’s pushed everyone that has ever tried to love her out of her life. I just never thought she’d push me away too.

  How is it possible to fall out of love with the one person that has always been there to support and encourage you?

  How am I supposed to just give up and move on with my life?

  How will I ever stop loving her?

  These questions plague my mind day in and day out. I’m a fucking man that has lost his god damn mind over her.

  “Tristan,” my partner’s voice calls out to me.

  I look up to see Keith standing in front of our joined desks, a look of annoyance splayed out across his face.

  “Yeah, man,” I reply with a nod of my head.

  “You look like shit,” he grunts with a smirk. “Time to move on or find something to distract your mind.”

  “Thanks for the compliment, prick,” I retort. “It’s easier said than done. You know this better than anyone. Believe me, I’ve seen and witnessed you walking away from a few relationships with your tail between your legs. Just let me wallow a little while longer, I’m not giving up on her yet.”

  “Whatever, dude, shift is almost up and I’m in the mood for a cold beer. You in?”

  As he takes a seat across from me, I stack the papers sitting in front of me and shove them into the manila folder. I could go for a beer, probably a dozen right about now. At this point drowning my sorrows in a bottle isn’t the best idea, but I’m up for anything to take my mind off her.

  “Yeah, I’m in, just give me a few to wrap up these reports and change. I’ll meet ya outside in a half hour.”

  “Sounds good, bro,” he says smacking the desk with the palm of his hand and standing from the chair.

  After a few minutes, I push in my seat and turn off the small lamp on top of my desk. Walking through the station, I nod to a few of the guys that are just coming in for their shift. It’s been a long ass week, and I’m ready to start my vacation tomorrow.

  A pang of guilt hits me knowing I took a week off of work but still don’t intend to spend it with the family. I get that I should…I just can’t deal with them telling me how happy I should be right now. They got what they wanted, and the fake smiles on their faces just piss me off. Without a plan in mind, I figured I would just sit back and do some serious soul searching over the next few days.

  Rounding the corner, I quickly walk into the men’s locker room and change out of my uniform into a pair of jeans, a tee and ball cap. Feeling a bit more comfortable, I head outside to see Keith waiting by his car with a smoke in hand.

  “Ready to roll,” he asks tossing the butt into the cup in his hand.

  “Yeah, I’m good,” I reply before opening the back door of my SUV and throwing my bag inside.

  Locking up our vehicles, we walk down the block to the local tavern. Huge perk to living in the center of the city, we can get around almost everywhere on foot. As we approach, a few patrons are walking inside, hand in hand with their significant other.

  A growl comes from my throat, and a death glare from Keith shoots in my direction. I shrug my shoulders, ignoring my outburst and follow him inside. It’s still somewhat early for a Friday night, so a few stools around the large bar are unoccupied. Taking a seat, I order a shot of whiskey and beer.

  My eyes begin to roam the space, and I can’t help but wish I was somewhere other than here right now. I’d give anything to be with her, and it’s eating me up inside. When I think she’s left my mind, something draws my attention and a memory of her filters through my thoughts.

  “Seriously, Tristan?” Keith barks in an annoyed tone.

  Turning to face him he’s staring back at me.

  “What?” I ask picking up my shot glass and letting the burning flames coat my throat.

  “How long have we been partners?” he questions.

  “Too fucking long, man,” I remark with a smirk.

  “Yeah, exactly and I know you pretty damn well. Let me give you a piece of advice. You look like shit, have had your head up your ass, and if it weren’t for my supreme skills, probably would be slacking on shift. You need to figure out what the hell you’re gonna do before you fuck up your life. It’s been what two weeks? Shit or get off the god damn pot, dude. You want Chelby back then go get her.”

  Shock hits me hard as the words fly from Keith’s mouth, and realization strikes me in the pit of my stomach.

  “Thanks, man,” I say, slapping my hand against his back. “I know exactly what I need to do. I’ll be in touch in a few days.”

  Stepping off the bar stool I turn to walk away.

  “Dude, what the hell?” he yells. “What the hell just happened?”

  Standing tall, I finally feel confident in what I have to do.

  “I’m going to get my girl; we need to find us again.”

  With that, I exit the tavern, pride and anxiety of what I’m about to do rushing through my veins.

  Chelby

  Turning out the living room lights, I make my way back to the bedroom. It’s been a long week searching for another job and with the new meds the doctor prescribed a few days ago, I’m sensing that a good night’s sleep is finally in my near future.

  I know it’s only been a few days, but the sensation of feeling so free is invigorating to me. I’ve caught myself smiling for no apparent reason; it’s kinda crazy. Believing that a person’s mindset can change so much is real for me. Taking meds may not have been my choice to feel the way I am, but the alternative of torturing myself was too much for me to bear.

  Mind over matter…that’s what they say.

  I truly believe it takes a person falling to rock bottom to see that there’s a problem. It’s just that seeing yourself from the outside in is the struggle. It was as if I had an out of body experience. My entire world was crumbling down on me, and I couldn’t breathe. The walls of my life were suffocating every inch of my being, and I couldn’t get past another minute of the agony I was buried under.

  I needed a way out before it was too late.

  I didn’t want to follow in my ma’s footsteps.

  I finally realized that I needed help.

  Stifling a yawn, I enter my room and change into a pair of pajama bottoms and a tank before moving into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Looking in the mirror, I can already begin to see a slight change in my reflection. The redness and dark circles around my eyes are slowly starting to fade. The color of my skin is no longer drawn out; there’s a blush starting to show that there’s life shining through my darkness.

  I made a decision to better myself, find the girl I’ve always longed to be. The past week may be just a start to this journey, but I k
now deep down that it’s something I want more than anything. Well…almost anything. The true honest to God thing that I want isn’t a material object; it’s the man I allowed to leave when I pushed him away.

  My chest tightens with the memories of what I’ve done. It’s not a feeling of anxiety, more so guilt that I made the wrong choice based on my fears. The pit of despair I was tumbling into created insecurities that lead to me making a rash decision.

  Slapping my hands down onto the vanity, I’m so angry with myself.

  God, how I wish I were a normal chick.

  I lead my heart to believe I could so easily fall out of love with him when in reality all I wanted was to figure out a way to love myself.

  If nothing else, I’m slowly beginning to realize that some things in life we take for granted. Tristan was one of my life long lessons and as much as I wish he’d come barreling through my front door, I know it’s not going to happen.

  There are a lot of things I’m starting to see more clearly now that I’ve stopped moping around and finally went back to my doctor. I needed help and for the past two weeks, I’ve been trying harder than ever before to see and understand who I am. Yes, I have a past of pain and emotional issues, but by seeking the help and support that has always been available, I know I can do it. For me, I will do it.

  Finishing up my nightly ritual, I flip off the bathroom light and head back to my room. As I pull down the covers, I reach for my book on the nightstand and tuck myself in.

  My eyes begin to drift shut with each page I turn. It’s not that I don’t enjoy the story, I’m just seriously exhausted and need to allow my mind and body the sleep they’ve desperately been needing. Glancing at the clock, I yawn and laugh to see that it’s only nine o’clock. I haven’t gone to bed this early in ages, yet I’m grateful for a good night’s rest. Setting the book down on the comforter, I switch off my lamp, pull the blankets up to my chest and close my eyes.

  For the first time in a long time, pleasant thoughts sweep past my lids as I fall asleep with a smile on my face.