Love, Never-Ending_Flash Me Photos Portfolio 1

by Michele Notaro

  He was everywhere, but it suddenly wasn’t enough.

  Tanner

  Symon was clinging to me, pulling me as close to him as he could. His eyes were focused on me, but his pupils were blown, and there were a million emotions floating around in them. His forehead and upper lip were covered in beads of sweat as I continued the slow pace inside of him. He was staring up at me when he whispered, “Tanner.”

  Hearing my name whispered on his lips with so much emotion, so much passion in it made my chest fill with warmth. I could see in his eyes how much he cared about me; I could feel our connection, and all I wanted to do was get even closer to him. There was no space between us, but it still wasn’t close enough.

  I brushed his sweaty hair off his forehead and whispered, “Symon.”

  “I’m right here,” he whispered back, and I had no doubt in my mind that he was feeling everything just as much as I was.

  I could feel Jax’s presence beside the bed, and even though he wasn’t touching us, I still felt a connection with him—the same one we’d had long ago. Part of me wanted to turn around and look at him to see if he could feel it, too, but I couldn’t look away from Symon’s eyes.

  Symon pulled my head down, and I covered his mouth with my own, our tongues coming out, brushing together as we panted and breathed the same air. But it wasn’t enough because every single part of me was screaming for him, screaming for him to be mine.

  Symon’s eyes looked frantic as he whispered with his mouth against mine, “Tanner… I need… I need…”

  “I know, angel.” I kissed his lips, tugging on his bottom lip with my teeth. “It’s okay to let go. I’m right here.”

  Symon suddenly moaned and tensed in my arms, clawing at my back, pulling me closer. His channel clenched around me, tightening and making my entire body light up.

  “Tanner,” Symon whispered and moaned. Hearing my name again threw me over the edge, and my body started trembling as everything poured out of me. My cock emptied inside of him as my emotions poured from me and into him. I could feel his emotions, too. I could feel how much he cared about me, and that just maybe it went even further than caring.

  My orgasm was overwhelming. It was better than anything I’d ever felt, and not just because Symon came at the same time as me, not just because Symon was clinging to me like he needed me, like he’d fall apart if I let go. It felt amazing because I could feel our connection. I felt connected to Symon in a way that was different from anyone else. And I knew right then and there that I’d fallen for him. And it felt like he’d fallen for me, too.

  I felt tears well in my eyes as I realized that even if he felt something for me, he was with Jax. He wasn’t with me. Symon was with Jax and I had no doubt that he’d already fallen for him. Which meant that I was on the outside of this. It meant that no matter what I did or what I wanted, I couldn’t have him. I couldn’t keep him.

  We had this moment. This beautiful, amazing moment. But that was it.

  And I knew I’d have to walk away. I wouldn’t be able to keep doing this, not with Symon, not with Jax. Not when my heart was so far gone on them both. I was setting myself up for disaster, and I knew that I was going to fall apart. If I kept going, it would only get worse. And I couldn’t do that. There was no way.

  “Tanner,” Symon whispered into my mouth. “I… I…”

  His words made the tears well up further, but I didn’t want to ruin this moment for him, so I pushed them down. I knew what he wanted to say, but I knew he couldn’t say it. He couldn’t really mean it because he and Jax were in love. They may not have said it yet, but I knew it was true. It was written all over their faces and in their movements every time they were together.

  So I kissed Symon’s lips and whispered, “I know, angel. Me too.” I could only hope he understood what I meant.

  Symon nodded against me, then pulled my lips down to his, kissing me softly. For some reason, it almost felt like a goodbye kiss. I lifted my head for one second, looking at his grey eyes and seeing them glossy. He was saying goodbye. I knew it. I buried my face into his neck and held him tight. Symon wrapped his arms around me, holding me just as tightly.

  I felt Jax move onto the bed. He kissed my back, then laid down beside us. He put his arm and leg over me and scooted close enough that his chest and stomach were pressed against our sides.

  Jax whispered, “I have you both. I’m right here.” Hearing that made me want to cry. He understood, too. He knew what’d just happened.

  I guess it was his turn to break my heart.

  Chapter Twelve

  Symon

  When I woke up to Jax cradling me, I nuzzled into him, then reached behind me for Tanner to pull him closer. When I’d fallen asleep, I’d been surrounded by both of them. My hand only brushed against the sheets, so I rolled to look for him. Maybe he’d gone to the bathroom or something. I looked around the room and didn’t see him, so I waited. Jax moved closer to me, wrapping me in his arms in his sleep. Where the hell is Tanner? I didn’t know what was going on, but I had a bad feeling about it.

  After more than ten minutes, I slipped out of bed to search for Tanner, putting on my pajama bottoms on the way out the bedroom door. I looked in the bathroom, the kitchen, everywhere, but he was nowhere to be seen. I walked back into Jax’s bedroom and grabbed my phone, then walked back out, leaving a sleeping Jax in the bed. I pulled up Tanner’s number and called him. It rang five times before going to voicemail. So I pulled up our text chain.

  Me: Where are you? Are you coming back for breakfast?

  I sighed as I waited, walking into the kitchen to make some coffee. By the time my coffee was ready, Tanner finally texted back.

  Tanner: I had to go home. But I’ll see you at work tomorrow.

  I sighed at that. He had to go home? Why? I thought we were going to spend the day together.

  Me: Is everything okay?

  He texted back right away.

  Tanner: It’s fine. See you tomorrow.

  I frowned at that. Why did he run away this morning without saying goodbye? And why was he being so dismissive in that text? Ugh. Maybe I was just reading into things too much. Maybe he’d said goodbye, but I hadn’t been awake enough to remember it. Maybe I was taking his tone wrong over texting. That happened all the time.

  I sat down at the table with my coffee and pulled up a book on my phone to distract myself. I was still sitting there with an empty cup when Jax finally walked out.

  “Hey, pumpkin,” he said, scratching his bare stomach. He’d only put on sweatpants, and I had to admit that I checked him out as he walked closer to me. He kissed my head, then went straight to the coffee pot. After a few minutes, he joined me at the table, sitting cattycorner from me.

  “Hey, Romeo,” I said when he sat down.

  He sent me a little smile. “You okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  “You woke up and even got out of bed before me. You feeling okay?”

  I sent him a small smile. “Yeah, I just… Tanner left this morning without saying bye and now he’s being weird in our texts.”

  Jax frowned a little, then sighed and grabbed my hand. “Come sit on the couch with me.”

  I made a face at him, unsure of what was going on, but he set his mug down and pulled me over to the couch. We sat down and he turned so we were facing each other with our knees touching. He grabbed my hands and held them tight. Then he blew out a breath and said, “You have feelings for Tanner.”

  I gasped as all the air was knocked out of my lungs. “What?” How could he… why would he…?

  Jax sent me a little half-smile that might’ve been a little sad. “It’s okay, pumpkin. I understand. You have feelings for Tanner. I get it. Believe me, I get it.”

  My heart was racing and sweat broke out all over my body. “But… but I have feelings for you.”

  His eyes softened and he smiled, just a small smile, but one that reached his eyes no less. “I know you do, pumpkin. You have feelings fo
r both of us.”

  I opened my mouth to deny it, but no words came out. I had feelings for both of them? But… how was that possible? How was that allowed? I was falling in love with Jax. Not falling, I was in love with him. If that was true, how could I possible have feelings for Tanner? I mean, he was my friend, so I had friend feelings for him, obviously. But that wasn’t what Jax meant—and it wasn’t what I’d experienced last night. He meant I had feelings for him, like boyfriend feelings, love feelings. Jax was looking at me with an encouraging smile. I looked away and closed my eyes, thinking about Tanner. About how sweet and kind he was, how caring and compassionate. How freaking attractive he was. How he was ashamed of those scars on his body that told so many stories, that showed that he was a survivor, that he was still here with us, and how all I wanted to do was show him he had nothing to be ashamed about. Then I thought about his laugh, about how goofy he could be when he relaxed and let that scary, macho man act go. How amazing he was when he let his guard down and acted like himself.

  Then I thought about last night. About how much emotion I could feel coming from him when we were… making love. I thought about the way his brown eyes had shown with a thousand unsaid things. About how connected I’d felt to him in that moment. About how I hadn’t been able to get him close enough to me. About how much I’d needed him, how much I’d cared about him. About how much he’d cared about me in that moment.

  And that’s when it hit me. I was falling in love with Tanner, too.

  But that didn’t make any sense. I was already in love with Jax. Having sex with Tanner was just supposed to be something fun we did together, as a couple. I was in love with Jax, I could feel it in my bones. But if I was in love with Jax, how could I possibly be falling in love with someone else?

  I opened my eyes as tears pricked them. “But… but I’m… with you. And I don’t… I don’t understand.”

  Jax cupped my cheek and rubbed his thumb under my eye, catching a damn tear that’d escaped. “I know, pumpkin. And it’s okay.” He brought his other hand up to my other cheek.

  I held onto his wrists. “No, it’s not. I’m with you, Jax. Me and you against the world, right?”

  “Yes. Yes, pumpkin. But… just because you care about me, doesn’t mean you don’t have room for someone else.”

  I felt my eyes fill up with tears as I realized he was right. “I care about you so much, so please, please don’t take this the wrong way, but… you’re right. I care about Tanner, too. Not instead of, but also. I care about both of you, and I’m so sorry.”

  He shook his head. “You have nothing to be sorry about. It’s okay. I understand, Sy.”

  “But you’re my boyfriend. How can you… how can you be so calm about this?”

  He took a shaky breath, then blew it out slowly. “I know you’re used to conventional relationships. Two people in a relationship and that’s it. But there’s something about my past that I didn’t tell you.” He stopped talking and seemed to be thinking about whatever it was.

  “What, Jax? You can tell me anything,” I whispered.

  One corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. “I know.” He rubbed his thumbs over my cheeks. Then dropped his hands and grabbed mine again. “You know that Tan and I were together for years—from high school into college, but after he left… I had trouble trusting people and maintaining relationships until my one boyfriend suggested bringing in a third man—a third boyfriend—and it worked for me. Since then, I’ve always… sought out triad relationships.”

  “What… is that supposed to mean?”

  He squeezed my hands. “Please don’t think you’re not enough for me, because you are. No matter what, I still want to be with you, okay?”

  I sucked in a ragged breath, but nodded. “Okay.”

  “Out of all of the relationships I’ve had in my life, the best dynamic for me has been a triad, or throuple as my one ex liked to call it. I enjoy being in a relationship with two other people. So three of us. But I’m happy with our relationship. I swear I don’t need anything else; I just… thought you should know.”

  What he was saying was kind of a lot to take in, so I took a few minutes to really think about it. Jax held my hands tight the entire time and patiently waited for me to process. “Are you trying to say that you would be okay if we added Tanner into our relationship? Not just our bed, but if we, like, dated him too?”

  He blew out a breath. “I would be willing to give it a try.”

  “You… you want to add him in?” I looked him straight in the eye. “I’m asking you what you want, not what you think I want to hear. And please don’t say that you’ll be happy either way. I understand that, but I want to know if you want him, too?”

  Jax

  Did I want Tanner, too? That was the real question, wasn’t it? Could I be in a relationship with the man that broke my heart? Could I forgive him and try to move on? Would I be enough for him this time? What if he left again? Then he’d not only break my heart, but Symon’s as well.

  But it was Tanner. And he was different this time. He was more attentive. He’d always been sweet and kind, but now it was like he didn’t have a mean bone in his body.

  Tanner.

  Could I trust him? Did I want to give him another chance?

  I took a deep breath. Of course, I wanted to give him another chance. It was Tanner for fuck’s sake. Tanner, the man I’d loved most of my life. The man I’d never stopped loving, even after he shredded me.

  I looked at Symon. I loved him too. So fucking much. But my love for Symon didn’t push my love for Tanner away, they both simply grew. And they kept growing each and every day, each and every second. It wasn’t like I only had a certain amount of love to give. Love was infinite. It grew and would keep growing. I didn’t need one man over the other. I needed both of them. And after last night, it was pretty clear that they needed each other, too.

  “Yes, pumpkin. I want to give him another chance. I… never stopped caring about him. Even when he broke my heart, it’s not like that took my feelings for him away, you know?”

  He smiled at me and gently ran his fingertips over my cheek. “So are we really doing this? We’re going to try being a… throuple? Is that what you called it?”

  I laughed a little. “Yeah, a throuple. And yes, I’m all in, pumpkin.”

  He took a deep breath and faced forward on the couch for a few moments. “But… if Tanner doesn’t want to try… are we going to be okay?”

  I cupped his cheek and kissed him deeply. “I told you before, it’s you and me, pumpkin. That’s not going to change. If Tanner decides to give us a shot, it’ll be the three of us against the world. But no matter what happens, I’m with you, okay? I. Am. With. You.”

  He gripped the front of my shirt and pulled me closer. “Damn straight, you are.”

  I grinned against his lips before he crashed his mouth into mine and climbed onto my lap. I was happy to prove to Symon that he was still enough for me, no matter what happened.

  I scooped Sy up and carried him into the bathroom where we showered and celebrated each other and our newfound interest in Tanner together. When we got out, we got dressed, and after calling Tanner’s cell several times, we decided to head over to his apartment and find him ourselves.

  We’d been knocking on his door for thirty minutes. Symon had his forehead on the door, looking totally defeated and upset. I reached over and pulled him into my chest, and he wrapped his arms around my waist with his head buried in my neck. I hugged him tight and kissed the top of his head.

  He groaned. “Where the hell is he?”

  “He’s obviously not home, pumpkin.”

  “I know.” He groaned again. “I wish he’d answer his damn phone.”

  “Me too.”

  The door to the apartment across the hall opened, and a woman in her sixties popped her head out. “What are you boys doing out here?”

  Symon stepped away from me and I stifled a sigh. “We’re looking for our friend.
”

  She waved us off. “He’s not home, so you boys need to leave. You can’t stay in the building.”

  My nostrils flared. “We’ll be out of your hair in a few minutes, ma’am.”

  She narrowed her eyes a little, but nodded and slammed her door shut.

  As soon as she was out of sight, Sy slid right back into my arms and held me tight. I rubbed his back and kissed the top of his head.

  He leaned back to look up at me. “What do we do now?”

  I sighed and kissed his forehead. “I think we’ll just have to wait until you see him at work tomorrow. I don’t really know what else we can do since he won’t answer his phone. I have no idea where he could’ve gone.”

  “Me either. Should I tell him that we want to talk to him? I don’t want to do it by myself. I think all three of us should be there.”

  “I agree. Maybe tell him we need to talk after work? I can make us all some dinner or something since I’ll get off work before you.”

  He nodded. “Sounds good. I’ll invite him over for dinner.”

  I pecked his lips. “Perfect. Let’s go home.”

  When I went to walk, Sy held tight, not allowing me to move, and he stuck his bottom lip out. “I only want to go home if you’re coming with me.”

  I chuckled. “That’s what I meant. We’ll both go to your place.”

  He nodded. “Good.”

  Tanner

  After texting with Symon this morning, I was feeling antsy, so I called my younger brother, Wiley, to see if he was around. He invited me to lunch and I readily agreed. I needed to keep myself busy before I had a major meltdown and locked myself in my bedroom for all of eternity. I didn’t want to think about everything that I’d lost. I didn’t want to think about Symon and Jax. No, I didn’t even want to think their names.

  When I got to the little café Wiley wanted to go to, I got a table and waited. It didn’t surprise me when he showed up twenty minutes late.

  “Hey, man,” he said as he gave me a side-hug before sitting down.

  “Hey, Wiley. It’s been a few weeks. How are you doing?”