Billionaire Secrets of a Wanglorious Bastard
Page 6
23
“WHERE ARE YOU going with that?”
By “that,” Gladys meant the box of documents I was lugging out of my office.
I said, “Home.”
Gladys snatched the box from me. “I'm sorry, but you can't unless you sign them out.”
Oh. My bad. “Where do I do that?”
“Right here.” She took out a form and handed me a pen.
I scanned the form and something seemed wrong. “Is this for the day?”
“What?”
“The sheet. It's blank.”
“It's for the month.”
“So Rick hasn't signed anything out this week?”
“He's too busy running home to catch up with the Kardashians at five.”
I got it. “He's too busy taking boxes home to sign out.”
“Why would he want to take boxes home? He's never done it before.”
I looked at a clock. It read “4:30.” Sure enough, Rick hurried out of his office and scurried down the hall like a cockroach.
That fucker was lying. He'd been lying and yet I was read the riot act? Rick Hornsby. Model employee. Top biller. Lying prick.
This could not stand. I needed proof.
And I knew exactly what to do.
24
“EXCUSE ME, SIR. But Rick doesn't want his office cleaned at all tonight.” Really, I didn't want his office cleaned. The custodian didn't need to know that.
He said, “You just started, right?”
“Right.”
“From the mailroom?”
“Right.”
“Any reason why?”
“Why I'm from the mailroom?”
“No. The reason why he doesn't want his office cleaned.”
I whispered, “He thinks someone's been stealing from his office and wants me to spread something on his floor to track the footprints.”
He whispered back, “I got it. But why did he ask you?”
“He thought I was cleaning staff.”
He jutted his lips and shook his head. “What you planning to use?”
“I don't know yet. But he told me to find out what would do the job.”
“I got what you need. I'll be right back.”
Sure enough, he came back and spread a white powdery substance on Rick's floor. Soon as he finished, he closed Rick's door on his way out.
“I'll tell the boys to leave it alone tonight. If anyone walks in, you'll see footprints marked on the floor tomorrow morning.”
I clasped my hands together and bowed. “Thanks.”
There was no way I was working from home tonight. I took a seat at Gladys’s desk the whole night.
Every bathroom break, I ran back to his room and opened the door. Each time there were no footprints.
I slept on the floor underneath my desk. From time to time, anticipation woke me up and I'd run to Rick's office.
Still no footprints.
I woke up at dawn.
Still no footprints.
I scanned the checkout sheet from the previous day. Rick's name was nowhere to be found.
Soon as people started filing in, I went to the cafeteria.
Sure enough, Rick rushed by with the same suit, more stubble, and coffee in hand.
I said, “Another late night?”
“Unfortunately, I don't even know what my apartment looks like anymore. I'm always here.”
I had to tell someone. It was too early for Tani and Enos.
I roamed the halls and only one person was there.
The last person I needed to see.
25
“I'M NOT TALKING unless you apologize.”
“Apologize for what, Natasha?”
“Ignoring me?”
This was a mistake. A total mistake. I started to leave.
She lunged at me and grabbed my ankles.
“Let go.”
She pulled herself up and started unzipping my pants.
“What are you doing, Natasha?”
“What you want.”
I shrugged her away. “I don't want that,” I lied. I so wanted it, but knew it wasn't right.
She went for it again.
“Let go, Natasha.”
“Come on, Rufus. It'll make you feel good good good.”
She tried a hand job, but it wasn't happening.
I grabbed her hands. “Look, this is bigger than that.”
Her eyes nearly popped out of her sockets. She bit her bottom lip. “It is?”
I told her about Rick, and she actually did a good job listening to my story. Humming and gasping, asking questions between licks. She seemed perplexed by my report.
“This is bigger.”
I nodded. “I don't know what to do. I mean, that's theft. Stealing money from the clients.”
She stared at the ceiling. “I know who you should talk to.”
26
“THIS IS A serious allegation you're making, Rufus.” That was Gropius.
Grimes said, “Very serious.”
I pressed my lips together. “I know, but I thought that you should be aware of any misconduct. Especially considering how much our clients pay for our services per hour.”
Grimes looked at me askew. “How does this help us?”
I said, “I don't follow you.”
Grimes said, “How did you bill all this time you spent on a wild goose chase?”
Billables. “I didn't. Since it was a firm issue.”
Gropius said, “Let me tell you what a true firm issue is. We make money on billables.”
Grimes said, “Hard billables.”
Gropius wagged his finger. “The time you spent jealously playing Sherlock Holmes could have been spent on doing what we employed you to do.”
I said, “But don't you want to know about misdoings?”
Grimes shook his head. “If we want your help on that, we'll let you know.”
Gropius said, “In the meantime, the only thing you should be worrying about is whatever Sally assigns to you.”
Who? “Sally?”
Grimes tilted toward Gropius. “I think you mean Tawny.”
Gropius said, “Who?”
“You know.” Grimes wagged his tongue.
Gropius returned the gesture as if it would help him remember. “Yes. That Tawny.” He turned to me. “Tawny is who you are getting your work from. So do us a favor and leave the inquiries to us?”
27
ENOS COULDN'T BE bothered. “So what?”
I said, “Don't you think it's unethical to—”
“I think it's unethical for you to be fucking up a good thing.”
“What?”
“Look, Polly-Rufus. Play the game, take your check, and shut the fuck up. This isn't a legal aid society, it's a firm. The bottom line is dollars.”
“At the expense of our clients?”
“Who has more to lose? A multimillion-dollar corporation or a motherfucker like me who owes two hundred grand in school loans?”
“But it's cheating.”
“Law school cheated my ass. I borrowed fifty grand a year. And for what? The fucking Socratic method? A method where the professors don't have to teach because the law exists in us?”
Tani said, “He has a point.”
Enos shook his fist. “You're damn right I have a point. You think that law school, in wake of all this knowledge, will give your ass a refund? Fuck no.”
I said, “Whatever problem you have with legal education isn't the point. What is the point is crooked practices and crooked behavior. Behavior that rewards lying.”
Enos clapped. “Thank you, Social Justice Warrior. Since you have such a problem with the billing, why don't you refund your clients directly instead of complaining to the partners?”
“Maybe I will.”
“Let's say you do. How do you think our virtuous clients, the guys that are strip-mining the Amazon or making cigarettes, are going to spend that money? Public interest?”
“I won't work for thos
e types of clients.”
“You won't? Enjoy your honeymoon while it lasts, because this isn't your firm. You're a wage slave, just like the rest of us. You don't have equity. You're not a partner. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you'll be worrying about more important things.”
“Like what?”
“Like how to spend your blood money. You're not going to be making this money for long, so you better enjoy it while you can. Unless you get protection.”
Enough with this protection shit.
28
I VENTED WHILE Rhage painted.
She said, “That's ridiculous.”
“I know.”
“You work too hard to give your money back to anyone. I mean, it is blood money, but it's your sweat money too.”
“That's not what bothers me. It's the immorality.”
“If you quit, you'd be doing what they want you to do.”
“How's that?”
“You'd be a loser. Quitting after how many days have you been there? It's like you couldn't hack it.”
“You think?”
“I know. It's a scam, and you shouldn't let them screw you over.”
“So what do you suggest I do?”
“Whatever it takes to stay there. Beat them at their own game. Besides, we have plans together. To throw all of that away really doesn't accomplish anything.”
That night, a few strands fell out of my head when I brushed.
In bed, Rhage slept like a log. I didn't sleep all night.
29
“YOU WENT TO Columbia, right?” I could barely hear what Gladys said over the oinking pigs coming from her headphones.
That I did. “Yes.”
“You did good in criminal law?”
“Pretty good. I was a teacher's assistant and did the criminal clinical seminar.”
“Good. Be in your office tomorrow morning at eight. A client is gonna call you to do a four-hour research assignment.”
“I haven't done criminal law in almost one year.”
“Well, you have all night to jog your memory.”
“I didn't know we did criminal work.”
“Eight in the morning. Don't be late.”
***
I wouldn't wait until eight. I did prep work as soon as I took my morning dump.
I was on a coffee-fueled tear. Frantically reading encyclopedia-sized books like MASTERS ON CRIMINAL LAW, JOHNSON ON CRIMINAL LAW, CRIMINAL LAW TREATISES VOLUME XIX.
That night, I fought sleep, burned the midnight oil.
And fell asleep at my desk.
“Rufus.”
It was Tani.
I wiped the crust from my eyes. Shit. Had I missed the call? According to my phone light, I hadn’t.
Tani said, “Kind of early.”
“Never left.”
30
I STARED AT the phone
The clock read “10:00.”
Eight, my ass. I was done. I got up to leave. My checked-out library books? Fuck 'em.
The phone rang.
I rushed to it and answered. “Hello?”
A bro voice said, “Rufus?”
“Yes?”
“I never thought I'd get out. Go to your inbox and you'll see my situation. You get me some answers and fax me back in an hour.”
“I thought I had four hours.”
“Things change.”
He hung up.
Who was that? Maybe the inbox would tell me. I saw an electronic fax waiting.
The title.
“Burglary?”
31
IN THE LIBRARY, I waded through rows of books, pulling them off the shelves and piling them on a cart.
In my office, I typed like a madman, frequently thumbing through bunches of books.
At my printer, I saw a paper jam.
Of all times? Now? I fiddled with the printer to no avail. I kicked it and it spat out my work. I pounded a number in the fax machine and sent my work. The clock read “11:00.”
I paced and stared at my phone for feedback. At 1:00, I received it.
The phone rang and I picked up.
“Hello?”
“Rufus?”
“Hi. Did you get the fax?”
“Yes.”
“Is it what you wanted?”
He hung up on me.
32
“AND THEN DOUG got on the subway!” That was Enos. Laughing at some froofy bar for yet another attorney departure.
This time it was Xandra.
She didn't even bother showing, which made me sad. I could've used one of her hugs. It was more action than I got from Rhage, that was for damn sure.
Tani said to me, “When we were summer associates, this guy named Doug—”
Enos butted in. “He said, I'm sorry, I thought it was the fish!”
Tani chortled. “That's right!”
Everyone busted out laughing. Everyone but me. I flashed a fake-ass smile. Inside I cried.
Tani said, “Rufus, you just had to be there to get it.”
Enos said, “And Johnny?”
Tani wildly waved his arms. “I'm sitting down. I'm sitting down.”
Someone I didn't recognize said, “That's him, man! Oh shit! You got him down!”
He high-fived Tani.
I tried to laugh. “Sitting down on what?”
Tani said, “You should have been there, Rufus.”
Enos said, “Yeah, you really missed out.”
No accent? I needed to cover for him. “That's a great American accent you're putting on, Hiro.”
Tani said, “He's my hero.” He raised his glass. “Who else could pull it off?”
Did Tani mean Enos pulling off the Hiro stunt or Hiro putting on an American accent? I felt really hot and sweaty.
Enos pointed at me. “You really care, cuz. Thank you.”
I scanned the bar. “Are you sure it's safe?”
Enos said, “Why wouldn't it be?”
I said, “If you get caught, you're—”
Enos said, “Set for life.”
I said, “How's that?”
Enos leaned in to me. “Partners assuming I'm Japanese? Confusing me with another associate—”
Tani said, “Who summered with us, but never came back.”
Enos took a swig. “Set for life.”
I said, “What about his checks?”
Enos said, “I get paid in cash. Remember that envelope Gladys gave me on your first day?”
Could it be that easy? “Wouldn't you be seen as a willing participant?”
Enos burped. “They created a hostile work environment for me. I told a partner that I really was Enos. That there was a mistake. But they still called me Hiro. So I feared losing my job.”
I said, “Which partner?”
Enos said, “The best one. A dead one.” He toasted Tani. “Of course. I'm rich in this bitch. You, on the other hand, need protection.”
I didn't want to hear it. “Not interested.”
Enos said, “Rufus, we have a good gig here at Krueller. Nobody knows we're related because they're all inbred idiots. They have no clue that we have each other's back.”
“What about Tani? We related to him, too?”
Enos buzzed his lips. “He's an unofficial member.”
Tani raised his glass. “Unofficial.”
Enos said, “Enough about him. You could be me, cuz. Get with Rita.”
“You on this shit again? I told you, my girl—”
“Then just do her once.”
“My girl?”
“Rita. Just once. That's it. Then you'd be bulletproof. Protected because of some quid pro quo hostile work environment shit. They can't fire you. And to get this? All you have to do is stroke once, unlike my ass engaging in some elaborate bullshit on the job. Just once. Now, you need—”
“I still have hours to bill.” I got up to leave.
***
Instead, I went to a new coffee shop and drowned my sorrows with latt
e.
A voice said, “Don't you think you've had enough?”
I was wired, so I popped up. “What?”
It was Sif, with a coffee pot in hand.
I said, “You work here, too?”
“Compared to what's driving you here, I don't think you can call it working.”
“You wouldn't know a thing about where I work.”
“Krueller, right?”
“You stalking me?”
“You came here. And Tully told me.”
“He doesn't know the half of it. Nobody does.”
“I think I have an idea.”
“Trust me, you don't.”
“Let me guess. Billing is everything. People are weird. Partners are even weirder. You're there all the time and questioning why you did it in the first place.”
“How did you—”
“I left Krueller last year.”
“You didn't like it?”
“Let's just say it wasn't what I thought it was. And I wasn't what they thought I was.”
“Now you're a slave to the coffee bean.”
“Hey, leave the coffee bean alone. Unlike your clients, it never pulled a gun on anyone. Never embezzled funds. It just provides warmth, energy.”
“And caffeine addiction.”
She faked a laugh. “Hardy har-har.”
Some scruffy dude came out of the kitchen. Her boyfriend? “Closing time, Sif.”
She waved him away without looking. “Okay.” She stared into my eyes. “You like One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? It's playing in the park for free.”
Guess not. “Unfortunately, I have to go back to the cuckoo’s nest.”
As I walked out she said, “So what is gonna be? The pillow or the garbage can.”
What did she mean by that? Soon as I turned, her “man” locked the door. Sif waved and went to the back. And I went back to work.
I had Rhage's birthday the next night. I sent an email to Stack, and he said it would be fine for me to take the night off.