Cassandra: And they all fall down

by Julie Hodgson

  “Make sure you’re not, young lady. I don’t want you out after dark.” It didn’t matter which of them said it. She barely registered it. Her mind was full of Braydon and split between two images of him. However, her love for him was winning out. She had planned to go check on him earlier, and it felt now as if she was simply doing this later than planned. She fully expected to find him heaving furniture around the house, mowing the lawn, or cleaning windows. Maybe his mom was punishing him for something and had taken his cell away from him and grounded him. He had told Cassandra how unreasonable she could be, although he adored her. There were so many maybes in her mind and although she tried to walk to his house, it was more like a trot. She simply couldn’t control the energy inside of her.

  Ten minutes later, she double-checked the address and confirmed that she was standing outside the right house. It was a modest dwelling that needed lots of work, so she could understand if Braydon was being kept busy. She walked up the steps, opened a light screen door and knocked on the white door beyond with the flaking paint. Her heart was racing again now, and she wasn’t entirely sure why. This was her boyfriend’s house, after all. But she couldn’t get it under control, and it only got worse when she knocked again, a little harder his time, and the door opened at the force. She waited to see if anyone would respond and then peeked in through the gap. Braydon was right about it being a mess. There were still boxes everywhere and anything that had been unpacked looked to have been thrown around the room rather than put away. And it was dirty and smelled old and moldy. She decided then that she would offer to help Braydon and his mom. They would end up sick if they had to live there the way it was.

  “Hello!” she called, but not particularly loudly. The room was empty anyway, and she could see beyond to the kitchen, also piled high with boxes. No one was there. “Hello!” she tried again and then she took a few steps inside and circled around the room. There was definitely no one there, and she knew she should have turned around and left, but one foot was on the stairs, and the other was following behind before she could leave. She crept slowly, wondering repeatedly what exactly she thought she was doing, but the questioning didn’t stop her, because a very large part of her was now encouraging it, telling her to keep going, that this was what she needed to do. She had learned a lot about trusting and following her instincts in the last few weeks, so she kept going, and she didn’t call out anymore. She moved slowly up to the next floor as quietly as she could, unsure of what she would find, but wasn’t surprised to be greeted by the sight of yet more boxes. The entire landing area was a loading bay of cardboard boxes bursting with clothes and household debris. It looked as if a bomb had gone off on Storage Wars. Cassandra held her breath and tiptoed passed an open doorway that led to a room with slightly less mess in it. A few female items of clothing had made it to an open rail, and there was a scrunched-up duvet on the bed without a cover on it. No one would choose to live in a room like this, but Cassandra took it for Braydon’s mother’s room. It was the embodiment of everything he had told her about his mom, and when she popped her head around the corner, the pungent smell of liquor confirmed it. There were two other doors off the upstairs landing of this small house. One was open and led to a tiny bathroom with toothpaste smudged into the sink and dirty, wet towels on the floor. Her heart cried out for Braydon more and more as she saw and smelt the filth that he had to endure. How he managed to present himself so well, and even smile each day, was a complete mystery to her.

  The final door was ajar. This could only be Braydon’s room. She took a few steps towards it then stopped. Her heart was racing again, and she still didn’t really know why. It was far more complicated than entering her boyfriend’s room for the first time, or even being in the house without permission, but she told herself this was why she felt like throwing up. She reached out her hand to push the door then pulled it away. She should leave. She should just leave, wait for Braydon to message her, to explain why he had let her down. She should turn around and pretend she had never been inside his house before, but all at once, her hand was taking control, reaching out again. Before she could stop herself, she pushed the door open, and the room beyond was slowly revealed to her. It was the cleanest room in the house, but it was far from inhabitable. The floor was littered with black bags and plates and cups with the moldy dregs of food and drink welded onto them. There were a few posters on the walls to cheer the place up, and the window was wide open, so there was a nice, gentle breeze, but none of this concerned Cassandra. She couldn’t care less how the room looked and smelt. There was only one thing that mattered to her, and that was who was on the bed and what they were doing.

  “How could you?” she screamed, and she couldn’t stop the explosion of tears.

  Braydon was in bed with the duvet pulled to his waist and his bare chest glowing with the sweat of what he had just been doing. In a similar state of post-lovemaking beside him, looking more sweaty and spent than fabulous, was Leo. “How could you both do this to me?”

  Leo pulled the duvet up to cover himself and opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He turned to Braydon, “You said she was–”

  “He said I was what?” Cassandra cried. “Out? Stupid? In my room waiting to be picked up? An idiot for falling for him? What exactly did he tell you, Leo? What exactly did he say I was?”

  Braydon made no attempt to cover himself. He was smiling, and now Cassandra really did think she would be sick. The more he smiled, the uglier he looked. “He said you’re a crazy bitch who needed to be taught a lesson,” he grinned and threw his arms up behind his head as if he were lounging on a Sunday afternoon.

  “What are you …? What …?” She could barely speak, but Leo had no such trouble.

  “What are you talking about, Braydon?”

  “What are you talking about, Braydon?” Braydon mocked and turned to Leo with disgust on his face. “What? You didn’t think I really liked you, did you? You freaking fag.”

  “But you said–”

  “I say a lot of things,” Braydon smiled and that was all the explanation Leo was going to get. He dived out of bed, grabbed his clothes in a bundle to cover his modesty, and ran to the door.

  “I’m so sorry, Cass,” he said. “He said he was going to tell you. He said he loved me. He said he was only dating you for appearances because he was scared of coming out. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

  Cassandra had nothing to say in response to this and didn’t even look at Leo. He was nothing to her now, and he needed to get away from her quickly because Cassandra could feel the anger rising.

  “Cass?” Leo tried again, and when she didn’t answer, he left with his head hung low.

  They were alone. Braydon looked like a warped king of the ghetto in his slum room, lording it over Cassandra as if he owned the whole world, and Cassandra simply stood there, not sure of what to do. When she finally found her voice, she said, “Why?”

  This made Braydon’s smile broaden. “Are you really that freaking stupid? I knew you were stupid, but are you really that dumb? God, it’s been so hard being around you and your whining and your stupid jokes. At times, I thought of throwing the whole idea out of the window and just smashing you in the face, but then I wouldn’t get to see the look you have right now. It’s been worth every minute.”

  “How long’s it been going on?”

  “I knew he was gagging for it that day in the parking lot. The day I met him. I knew he’d been easy. He didn’t look the loyal type. And you bought it so easily. I think what you did to me even made me stronger as a person,” he said, mocking the pathetic voice he had used to reassure her when they first met. “What I don’t understand is why it took you so long to find out. Leo’s been acting like a dick, practically telling you what’s going on, but you’re so stupidly blind. I’ve been screwing him, here, there, and everywhere, right under your nose. Hell, I’m even starting to enjoy it, you’ve made me do it so many times. You’re the worst hide and seek player I�
��ve ever met. We did it at school and at iCandy, and you remember when he pretended to be sick at the party so we could run off in the woods together before your bitch friend got herself attacked? I thought we’d have to come to your house and do it in your freaking bed, Cassandra, but better late than never. Your fairy tale romance is bullshit, Cassandra, and I stepped it up this week because I’m getting bored of it all, to be honest. If I knew standing you up was enough to get you snooping, I’d have done it ages ago.”

  “You …” Cassandra couldn’t think or see straight. She had no words to finish the sentence. The backs of her hands twitched fiercely as the words hit her.

  “What am I, Cassy? A two-timer? That’s all I am, and it’s nothing compared to you. You see, you can’t put kids in hospital and expect them to forget about it.” The mention of this memory made his smile disappear, and he looked angry for the first time. “Do you have any idea what you did to me? I still can’t see out of this eye.” He pointed up to his face. “And I’ve had surgery on my stomach eight times, but I’ll still be shitting in a bag before I’m forty. That’s a great prospect, isn’t it? I couldn’t walk for two years, Cassandra. Two freaking years. Have you got any idea what that’s like? And it was you who did it, a tiny shitty scrawny girl. Have you got any idea what that did to me at school? I couldn’t walk, and everyone knew it was a girl who did it. That little Jakey kid used to kick my crutches out from under me, and there was nothing I could do about it. Even the teachers thought it was funny. I bet you even thought it was funny, in your new school, with your new friends. Not laughing now, are you?”

  Cassandra still couldn’t find her words. She wanted to defend herself, but she couldn’t. How could she defend that? His face was so fixed and fierce. There was absolutely nothing she could say, so she turned and ran, clenching her tingling hands tight. She turned her back on him, run out the room, and down the stairs.

  “Now we’re even!” she heard as she ran out the door and into the street.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Cassandra ran and ran, and didn’t look back. The backs of her hands were agony now as if the alien strength inside of her was bursting to explode out of her. She clenched her fists tightly, but it did little to contain the inevitable. She needed to get out of the street, somewhere private, somewhere she could be herself – whoever that was. Whatever that was. Somewhere her torn heart could express what had been inflicted upon it. She ran faster still, so fast that she managed to convince herself that people could no longer see her, faster than cars, faster than the wind, so fast that she arrived in Jenson’s park in a flash. When she burst through the gate and into the enclosed woodland space, she let out an animal cry that sent birds flapping and squawking from their branches. Her heart burst into tiny pieces that rose to her throat and choked her, but the noise was relentless and could be heard for miles. She dropped to her knees and threw her arms into the air, and now her barbed, blackened vines burst through the flesh of her hands once again and tore through the air. She had no idea how she contained them for so long, but now they dominated the space above her and shredded at the air as she let out her wounded cry. Repeatedly, she let out demonic sobs, fueled by deadly anger and sadness, and then she was on her feet again. She just couldn’t keep still. Her tendrils whooshed back into her hands, and she took off through the woods, dodging trees, jumping the roots bursting from the ground, and leaving a cloud of dust behind her.

  How could he? How could he? Her mind repeated it over and over again, but she knew the answer. She knew exactly how he could do it. Why had she ever thought it would be different? How could she have been so naïve? She cursed herself again. She had let this happen. She had been so bowled over by his charm that she had let it erase the past. Perhaps this was what it had always been about for her, too. Perhaps she loved Braydon so much because he made her past okay. He had looked into the eyes of her beast when she was a child, and he said it made him a stronger, better person. How could she believe that? It was all going around and around in her head. Did she want to believe it? Of course, she had no idea she had done so much damage to him. Now it all fell into place, though. He had probably been planning it his whole life and easily manipulated his drunk mother, who would be too elbow deep in vodka to care where they moved.

  How could I? How could I?

  She ran from one end of the park to the other, over and over again and at such speed that it took seconds. It was the creature equivalent of pacing her room – pacing the park at 100 mph. She ran back and forth and round and round, with the sun receding behind her. She thought she would never stop – the running and the thoughts. And then the option was taken out of her hands. There was a loud snapping noise, and Cassandra was whisked off her feet so suddenly that she cracked her head on the ground below her. She was fuzzy and dazed by the violent end to her. She couldn’t move her legs freely, and when she looked down, she saw that they were tightly bound in rope as if she had been lassoed. She had no energy left to fight it and the branches above her were spinning and swirling away her consciousness. Her final thought was a memory of reading about the traps set by the townspeople to catch the beast. She had wondered what they had in mind and now regretted not reading more about it. It was just one regret of many that consumed her as everything around her went black.

  When Cassandra opened her eyes, she felt that not much time had passed, or maybe she was just hoping that this was true. However, she had no idea where she was, and for a few minutes, there was no information available to her on any subject. And then it all came flowing back into her mind. She had been running. She had been running so fast she almost lost control of herself. It felt as if she had been flying, but her feet hadn’t left the ground. They were burning hot from the speed, but they kept going. The rage. This came back to her in snapshots. She was on her knees in the woods with her fists in the air with streamers of vengeance hacking at the sky above her, and a noise she could still hear somewhere in the back of her mind. An animal scream so laced with sorrow that whatever creature was making it should have been put to sleep, but it was coming from her. And then there was Braydon. Her heart began to disintegrate all over again. After that, she didn’t particularly care where she was. Dark, light? Warm, cold? Bound or free? How could any of it make a difference to her after what had happened? How could anything matter now that Braydon had done this to her and after what she had done to him, which was far worse than she had ever imagined? She had been exonerated, and now she was back in the chair for her crimes. She was a violent beast. She attacked a helpless child and didn’t even know she was doing it. She killed six guys. No, she mutilated them and tore them to bits. Yes, they were rapists, but who was she? Was she any better?

  She turned her head to the side and was sick all down the side of the bed – yellow and orange against the crisp white sheets, steaming up with a nowhere smell. She then realized she couldn’t move completely freely and the memory of the end of her run came back to her. She closed her eyes tightly. She had been trapped. They had caught her. They could do what they wanted with her. She deserved it. This – whatever this was inside of her – deserved it. She didn’t deserve the life she had been given. They could do what they wanted to her now. It was all over.

  Then she heard a voice.

  “Cassy.”

  She recognized it instantly, and her eyes flicked open.

  “Dr. Somner!”

  The room was bright on her eyes, but his bony figure quickly came into focus.

  “Dr. Somner. What are you doing here?” Wherever here was.

  “I think it’s about time we had a chat, don’t you?”

  Cassandra tried to sit up, and the reality of her predicament hit her all at once. She was tightly bound by the wrists and ankles on a bed that looked to be purpose built. It was a clinical room, but it wasn’t like any hospital room or doctor’s surgery that Cassandra had been in before. It looked a little too chaotic – somewhere between a medical study and a lab. Ancient-looking books were
stacked up to infinity, surrounded by sample jars and scientific equipment. There was a large window on the far wall, but it was dirty and looked to lead to an overgrown nowhere. Dr. Somner himself looked completely different in this space. Cassandra couldn’t quite put her finger on how he was different, but in the past, he had simply bored her. Now she found him a figure of fear. He looked at her with too much interest and too much of something resembling desire, and it made her cringe.