MA08 Myth-Nomers and Im-Pervections

by Robert Asprin

  “Ah ... this is the low-price hotel you’ve been figuring on?”

  “It’s about as low as you can go without ending up in a real dive,” the cabbie shrugged. “Actually, it’s a little nicer than most in the same price range. They’ve had to lower their prices because of the trouble they’ve been having.”

  “Trouble?”

  “Yeah. There’s an ax murderer loose around here that the police haven’t been able to catch. He’s been killing about one a week ... last week he got one right in the lobby.”

  “Ax murderer??!”

  “That’s right. You don’t have to worry about it, though.”

  “How do you figure that?”

  “Well, it’s been going on for a month now, and since you’re just checking in, and you’ve never been here before, there’s not much chance they’ll try to blame you for it.”

  Actually, that hadn’t been my worry. I had been more concerned with my odds on being the next victim. Before I could clarify this to Edvik, however, the doorman had jerked open the door of the cab and snatched up my bag.

  “You’d better follow your bag and keep an eye on it,” the driver advised. “I’ll be by in the morning to pick you up. Oh, and be sure to tip the baggage handler. Otherwise it may not be recognizable by the time you get it back.”

  The lizards were already starting to move as he imparted this last piece of wisdom, so I dove for the door before the vehicle gathered too much momentum and I ended up permanently separated from my luggage. Needless or not, I had gone through far too much to get it to lose it now. Before I had pause to think that I was losing touch with my guide and advisor for this dimension, the cab had turned a corner and disappeared.

  “I think this guy wants a tip,” Kalvin said, gesturing toward the doorman. At least I still had the Djin with me.

  I had to acknowledge his point. The uniformed Pervect was standing stuffily, with his palm up and a vague sneer on his face that would probably pass for a smile locally. I only hesitated a second before slipping him some loose change. Normally, I would expect someone to wait until after he had performed a service before hinting for a tip, but obviously things differed from dimension to dimension. This was probably what Edvik had been warning me about ... that the doorman would want money before moving my bag, and that if the juice wasn’t big enough, it was “Goodbye luggage!” In a way, it made sense.

  My speculation on this philosophy was cut short when I noticed another person, a bellhop this time, picking up my bag and heading inside with it, leaving the doorman outside weighing the tip I had just given him in his hand. I began to smell a rat.

  “Where is he going?” I said to the smug doorman, as casually as I could manage.

  “To the front desk, sir.”

  “But he has my bag.”

  “Yes. I suggest you follow him closely. He’s not to be trusted, you know.”

  “But ... Ohhh ... !”

  I knew when I had been outmaneuvered. Apparently, all the doorman did was open cab doors and off-load the baggage ... not carry the bags inside. Of course, the fact that I had tipped him assuming he would perform that service was my fault, not his. Defeated, I trailed after the bellhop, who was waiting inside with his hand out in the now all-too-familiar gesture that means Pay or you’ll never see the end of me. This time, however, I was more than happy to pay him off. Whatever Edvik had said, I had decided I would be better off handling my own luggage from here on out.

  Kalvin muttered something in my ear about not paying the help until they had finished their work, but the bellhop seemed to understand what it was all about, since he disappeared as soon as I paid him. Ignoring Kalvin’s grumbles, I turned my attention to the hotel interior.

  The reception area wasn’t much larger than the space we used for similar purposes back at M.Y.T.H. Inc., except the furnishings were dominated by a huge counter which I assumed was what the doorman had referred to as the front desk. Of course, to my mind this made the lobby rather small since, as a hotel, this place was supposed to get more public traffic than our consulting offices did. Personally, I felt it boded ill for the size of the rooms. Then again, I had told Edvik to take us somewhere inexpensive. I supposed I couldn’t expect low rates and stylish accommodations, and given a choice ...

  “May I help you?

  This last came from the Pervect behind the front desk. It might read polite, but the tone of his voice was that of one addressing someone who just walked through the front door with a box of garbage.

  “Yes,” I said, deciding to give pleasant one last try. “I’d like a room, please. A single.”

  The desk clerk looked as if I had just spat on the floor.

  “Do you have reservations?”

  The question surprised me a little, but I decided to stick with honesty.

  “Well, I’m not wild about the neighborhood ... and then there’s the rumor about the ax murderer ... ”

  “Skeeve ... SKEEVE!!” Kalvin hissed desperately. “He means, ‘Do you have a reservation for a room?’”

  So much for honesty. I shot a look at the desk clerk, who was staring at me as if I had asked him to sell his first-born into slavery.

  “ ... But, um, if you’re asking if I reserved a room in advance, the answer is no,” I finished lamely.

  The clerk stared at me for a few more moments, then ran a practiced finger down a list on the desk in front of him.

  “I’m afraid that all we have available at this time is one of our Economy Rooms. You really should reserve in advance for the best selection.”

  “An Economy Room will be fine,” I assured him. “I’ll need it for about a week.”

  “Very well,” the clerk nodded, pushing a form at me across the desk. “If you’ll just fill this out, the rate will be a hundred in gold.”

  I was glad I had been warned about prices on Perv. A hundred in gold seemed a bit steep to me, but having been forewarned I managed to hide my surprise as I reached for the form.

  “ ... A day. Payable in advance, of course.”

  My hand stopped just short of the form.

  “A hundred in gold a day?” I said as carefully as I could.

  “Skeeve!” Kalvin yipped in my ear. “Remember, you were warned things were expensive here! This is a low-priced hotel, remember?”

  “Payable in advance,” the clerk confirmed. I withdrew my hands from the desk.

  “How much time do you want to spend looking for a room, Skeeve?” the Djin continued desperately. “The cab won’t be back until morning and it’s getting dark out. Do you really want to walk these streets at night?”

  I took a hundred in gold from my money belt and dropped it on the desk, then started filling out the form.

  “I assumed that each day is payable in advance, considering the interest rates,” I said calmly. “Oh, yes, I’d like a receipt for that, as well.”

  The desk clerk whisked the form from under my pen and glanced at it almost before I had finished signing it.

  “Quite right, Mr ... . Skeeve, I’ll have a receipt for you in a moment.”

  It was nice to know some Pervects were efficient, once you had met their price. The hundred in gold had already disappeared.

  The desk clerk slipped the receipt across the desk, a key held daintily in his other hand. I claimed the receipt and was starting to go for the key when he casually moved it back out of my reach, slapping his palm down on a small bell that was on the desk.

  “Front!”

  Before I could ask what this little declaration was supposed to mean, a bellhop had materialized at my side ... a different one than before.

  “Room 242,” the desk clerk declared, handing the bellhop my key.

  “Yessir. Is this your luggage?”

  “Well, yes. It’s ... ”

  Without waiting for me to finish, the bellhop s
natched up my bag and started for the stairs, beckoning me to follow. I trailed along in his wake. At this point, I had had it with Pervects and hotels and tips. If this clown thought I was ...

  “Going to tip him?” Kalvin asked, floating around to hang in the air in front of me. Fortunately, he was translucent enough for me to see through him.

  I gave him my toothiest smile.

  “If that means ‘No’ like I think it does, you’d better reconsider.”

  Whether I needed to hear this or not, I definitely didn’t want to. I deliberately let my gaze wander to the ceiling and promptly tripped over a step.

  “Remember what Edvik said,” the Djin continued insistently. “You need all the allies you can get. You can’t afford to get vindictive with this guy.”

  Slowly, my irritation began to give way to common sense. Kalvin was right. If nothing else, I had heard that bellhops were prime sources of local information, and if being nice to this character would speed my search for Aahz, thereby shortening my stay on Perv, then it would definitely be worth at least a decent tip. Taking a deep breath, I caught the Djin’s eye and gave a curt nod, whereupon he subsided. It occurred to me it was nice to deal with someone who would let an argument drop once he’d won it.

  The bellhop unlocked a door and ushered me into my room with a flourish. The first view of my temporary headquarters almost reversed my mind all over again.

  The room was what could only be politely referred to as a hole ... and I wasn’t in a particularly polite mood. For openers, it was small ... smaller than most of the closets in my place back at the Bazaar. There was barely enough space to walk around the bed without scooting sideways, and what little room there was cramped further by a small bureau which was missing the knob on one of the two drawers, and a chair which looked about as comfortable as a bed of nails. The shade of the bedside lamp was askew, and the wallpaper was torn with one large flap hanging loose except where it was secured by cobwebs. I couldn’t tell if the texture of the carpet was dust or mildew, though from the smell I suspected the latter. The ceiling had large water stains on it, but you couldn’t tell without looking hard because the light in the place was dim enough to make a vampire feel claustrophobic. All this for a mere hundred in gold a night.

  “Great view, isn’t it?” the bellhop said, pulling the shades aside to reveal a window that hadn’t been washed since the discovery of fire. At first I thought the curtain rod was sagging, but closer examination showed it had actually been nailed in place crooked.

  “This is what you call a great view?”

  That comment kind of slipped out despite my resolve. I had just figured out that it wasn’t that the window was so dirty I couldn’t see out of it. Rather, the view consisted of a blank stone wall maybe an arm’s length away.

  The bellhop didn’t seem the least put out by my rhetorical question. “You should see the view from the first floor,” he shrugged. “All the rooms there look out onto the court-yard, which includes the garbage dump. At least this view doesn’t have maggots.”

  My stomach tilted to the left and sank. Swallowing hard, I resolved not to ask any more questions about the room.

  “Could you lay off about the view?” Kalvin whined desperately.

  “Way ahead of you,” I replied.

  “How’s that again?” the bellhop said, turning to face me.

  “I said, ‘I’ll settle for this view,” I amended hastily.

  “Thought you would. No, sir, you don’t see many rooms this good at these prices.”

  I realized he was looking at me expectantly for confirmation. “I ... I’ve never seen anything like it.”

  He kept looking at me. I cast about in my mind for something vaguely complimentary to say about the room.

  “The tip, Skeeve! He’s waiting for a tip!”

  “Oh! Yes, of course.”

  I fumbled a few more coins out of my money belt.

  “Thank you, sir,” the bellhop nodded, accepting my offering. “And if you have any more questions, the name’s Burgt.”

  He was heading for the door when it occurred to me I might make further use of his knowledge.

  “Say ... um, Burgt.”

  “Yes, sir?”

  “Is there someplace around here I can get a bite to eat? Maybe someplace that specializes in off-dimension food?”

  “Sure. There’s a little place about half a block to your left as you come out of the main entrance. It’s called Bandi’s. You can’t miss it.”

  That was worth a few extra coins to me. It also gave me an idea.

  “Say, Bergt, I’ve heard you bellhops have a bit of an information network. Is that true?”

  The bellhop eyed the coins I was pouring back and forth from hand to hand.

  “Sort of,” he admitted. “It depends on what kind of information you’re looking for.”

  “Well, I’m looking for a guy, name of Aahz. Would have hit town in the last couple of days. If you or any of your friends should find out where he is and let me know, I’d be real appreciative. Get me?”

  I let the coins pour into his uniform pocket.

  “Yes, sir. Aahz, was it? I’ll spread the word and see what we can turn up.”

  He departed hastily, shutting the door firmly but quietly behind him.

  “You did that very well, Skeeve,” Kalvin said.

  “What? Oh. Thanks, Kalvin.”

  “Really. You looked just like a gangster paying off an informant.”

  I guess my work with the Mob had influenced me more than I had realized. It wasn’t a line of conversation I wanted to pursue too far, though.

  “Just something I picked up,” I said casually, pocketing the room key. “Come on. Let’s try to find something eatable in this dimension.”

  I HAD THOUGHT the streets of Perv were intimidating walking or riding through them by day. At night, they were a whole new world. I didn’t know if I should be frightened or depressed, but one thing I knew I wasn’t was comfortable.

  It wasn’t that I was alone. There were a lot of Pervects on the street, and of course Kalvin was still with me. It’s just that there is some company to which being alone is preferable. Kalvin’s company was, of course, welcome ... which should narrow it down for even the most casual reader as to exactly what the source of my discomfort was.

  The Pervects. (Very good! Move to the head of the class.) Now, saying one felt uncomfortable around Pervects may sound redundant. As has been noted, the entire dimension is not renowned for its sociability, much less its hospitality. What I learned on the streets that night, however, is that there are Pervects and there are Pervects.

  Most of the natives I had dealt with up to this point had been just plain folk ... only nasty. In general, they seemed to have jobs and were primarily concerned with making a living and looking out for themselves (not necessarily in that order). The ones populating the terrain after sunset, however, were of a different sort entirely.

  Most noticeable were the ones sleeping in the doorways and gutters. At first, this struck me as a way to avoid paying a hundred a night for a room, and I said as much to Kalvin. He, in turn, suggested that I look a little closer at the Pervects who were sprawled about. I did, and consequently decided that five hundred in gold a night would not be too much to spend to avoid joining their ranks.

  For openers, they were dirty ... which probably isn’t surprising if one sleeps in the gutter. While I’ve never claimed to have much of an eye for color, even in the poor light of the nighttime streets I could see that the green of their scales was an unhealthy hue. Frankly, they looked like something that was dead ... only they weren’t dead. I was to find out later, when I mentioned them to Edvik, that these were simply Pervects whose income had fallen below the dimensional standard of living. For whatever reason, they had gotten behind in the game, and now couldn’t afford the lodgings and war
drobe to reestablish themselves.

  Whatever financial problem the sleepers had encountered, they didn’t have it in common with the Pervects who shared the night streets with them. Since they were primarily engaged in selling things, I’ll refer to this second group as hustlers ... even though doing so gives a negative connotation to that name I’ve never encountered before. While the daytime Pervects I had met might be described as “enterprising,” the hustlers struck me more as “predatory.”

  They were as brightly dressed as any Imp, though they tended to hang back in the shadows, easing out to make muttered offers to passersby. What they were selling I was never sure, since none of them approached me directly. This is not to say they didn’t notice my passing, for they watched me with flat reptilian eyes, but something in what they saw apparently convinced them to leave me alone. I can’t say I was heartbroken by the omission.

  I was so intent on watching the watchers I almost missed our restaurant. Kalvin spotted it, though, and after he’d brought it to my attention, we went in.

  Way back when I first met Aahz, I had been exposed to a Pervish restaurant. Of course, that was at the Bazaar where there was an ordinance that Pervish restaurants had to have spells on them so they would keep moving around instead of lowering the property values by staying in one place, but it had still prepared me to a certain extent for what to expect.

  Kalvin, on the other hand, had had no experience with Pervish eateries before. I almost lost him two steps into the place just from the smell. To be honest, I almost lost me, too. While I had been exposed to, I had never actually set foot inside one before. If there are those out there in a similar position to where I was experience-wise at this point, let me warn you: The smell loses a lot by the time it gets to the street.