by Becca Fisher
Jed looked at me with a passion rarely exhibited in Lancaster County. The Amish were brought up on modesty from our bonnets to our aprons. But Jed had a smoldering desire in his eyes that would not be extinguished. I felt like the most beautiful girl in the world around him. The only woman that mattered. The center of his universe. And my lips couldn't help but long for him.
"Absolutely stunning," Jed said.
I couldn't agree more. God knew how to light up the sky with unparalleled beauty. "Indeed. God is surely shining down on us today."
But that wasn't what Jed was referring to. "I was talking about you Miriam. You look absolutely ravishing."
"Oh come Jed. I don't know that it's possible for one to look ravishing in a bonnet and an apron."
"I'm looking right at you, and I assure you, it's not only possible, it's the God's honest truth."
"Well thank you kindly Jed. You are a man of the most handsome variety yourself."
Jed started fumbling and wringing his sweaty hands. "God, there's just no easy way to do this, is there?"
"I do not know of which you speak," I replied. But in truth, I had more than an inkling of where the conversation was headed. Right down the aisle by my calculation. And despite my superstitions, excitement started to course through every fiber of my being.
"Miriam, I think the world of you. And so I guess it's only natural to ask--"
"Yes," I replied, jumping the gun considerably.
"Yes to what? You don't even know the question."
"Oh, forgive me. Please do carry on."
"As I was saying, you mean the world to me. So I wonder if you'd care to see the world with me."
That question yielded nothing but a furrowed brow from me. There was a reason I never let my excitement get the better of me. To avoid the awkward situation I found myself in right then. But Jed still deserved an answer. The one I mustered however was not to his liking. "Oh."
"Somehow I imagined this going better. But if you don't want to go, I understand completely."
"Wait. Go where?""
"Philadelphia."
"What's in Philadelphia?"
"The world. New experiences. New emotions. New desires."
"Are you not content with the desires you have here?" I asked.
"Does that mean you do not wish to join me?" Jed asked.
"My desire rests here within the confines of Lancaster County."
"Don't you ever wonder what else is out there? The Lord has created an entire world for us. Wouldn't you like to experience it?"
"I don't have oats that need sowing. Everything I need for a fulfilling life is already here--my family, my friends, my faith."
"There's just no convincing you, is there?" Jed asked, his carefully laid plans in complete disarray.
"I could ask the same of you. What about your home does not satisfy you? Why is your soul so restless?" I questioned.
"I thought you'd be delighted to come with me. I thought it would be a revelation to see the world together. I thought this could be an experience we'd never forget."
"Oh, I'll never forget this. Unfortunately, for all the wrong reasons."
"Miriam, when you said yes before, what question did you think I was asking?"
I did not care to revisit such embarrassment. Instead I tried to salvage the conversation. "Has it not occurred to you that we could have a revelation together right here?"
Jed looked deep into my eyes and hesitated before he answered. "Miriam, you'll always mean the world to me. But that doesn't mean my heart doesn't yearn for what the world has to offer."
Two
If God had plans for me, I no longer knew what they were. Rumspringa fever had swept through Lancaster County, capturing the curiosity of so many in its wake. Even Ruth was not spared from pursuing worldly endeavors. So suddenly I found myself not losing one, but two of my closest friends to the big city.
"Are you sure you don't want to come?" Ruth asked, packing up her bag for Pittsburgh.
"Are you sure you don't want to stay?" I replied, as one last gasp.
"Miriam, God's purpose has not been revealed as freely to me as it has been to you."
"Actually, the Lord appears to be more of a mystery now than ever before."
"Your quilting will take you far. I don't have such evident skills. I'm hoping perhaps with a broader palette that my talent will come forth."
Frustration then got the better of me. "I just don't understand how things could have veered so radically off course."
"If your feelings for Jed are so strong, than why are you letting distance come between you?"
"Because obviously his feelings for me aren't strong enough to keep him here. Ruth, I already know what's out in the world. Distractions. Temptation. And a struggle for fulfillment."
"It must be nice to have convictions as strong as yours."
"I'm Amish for a reason. Belief comes natural. I just wish Jed believed as strongly as I do."
"Well, you know what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder. Maybe upon his return his convictions will be as steadfast."
"May God bless your journey," I said, giving Ruth a hug. "You will be missed."
***
Ruth wasn't the only friend scheduled to leave that day. Only Jed was more than a friend. I hoped that he would be my lover for ever after. And walking back from Ruth's to see Jed waiting on my parents porch, maybe I would get my wish after all.
"Jed, what a pleasant surprise," I remarked.
"It is always pleasant to see you Miriam," Jed replied.
"So, what brings you here?"
"I wanted to see if I could possibly change your mind," Jed insisted.
"I think the only mind that needs changing is yours."
"I can't betray my hearts longing," Jed explained.
"Even though my heart longs for you?" I pleaded.
"Your heart is not the only filled with longing and lust. I just don't want to wake up restless one day wondering if I missed out on the spoils of life."
"Yes, but while you're wondering if the grass truly is greener, I know that flowers bloom in different hues year after year. Do you really want to let this love wilt?"
"I plead with you once more to join me on this journey."
"And I plead with you the best journey is one of devotion with me."
I could see Jed struggle with his decision. He wrestled with his heart. But in the end, it was my heart that broke. Jed said his goodbye and vowed to return with a soul at peace. But as I watched Jed buggy away, I knew my life would never be the same.
***
Prayer became my saving grace in the months that followed. Whereas once my heart was so full, all I felt was an emptiness that refused to go away. Luckily I had my quilts to keep my hands from becoming idle while my mind raced wildly.
My parents offered what comfort they could.
"Miriam, I hate to see you like this," Samuel said.
"I assure you, feeling like this brings me no joy either," I said, moving food around my plate without any appetite.
"Dear, I know it's hard to believe, but there is a reason for this," Emma assured with all her Motherly ability.
"I've searched my heart and can't find one. What reason could there possibly be?" I asked.
"Maybe Jed only seemed like the right man for you," Emma answered.
"If he was the wrong man, I don't know what's right," I replied.
"Miriam, a man with a restless heart is in no shape to take care of yours. You need a man that will love you, honor you, and cherish you," Samuel explained.
"I don't want a new man. I want my dream back," I replied.
"Honey, the first man you dream about is not necessarily the one you're meant to spend of your life with," Emma remarked.
"Mother, with all due respect, you and Father have been together for twenty-nine years--" I argued.
"True, but your Father wasn't my first," Emma admitted.
I looked to my Father, but he
put up no argument. It was a sobering truth, but maybe just what I needed to hear.
"There was a boy long ago I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with," Emma continued. "So when he proposed to another girl in the village, I was inconsolable. I thought I'd never be happy. And then I met your Father."
My Father grabbed my Mother's hand and smiled at her like it was the first time he'd laid eyes on her. It was heart warming. A nice pick me up. And a reminder that maybe everything would be ok after all. Maybe. But that was their love story. Mine was a completely different matter.
"Mother, you know I value your advice. But just because your story ended well doesn't mean mine will," I said.
But Mother was steadfast in her faith. "If there's one thing I've learned, it's that the Lord doesn't make mistakes."
Three
I knew that church would change me, but I never realized just how much until I saw Daniel King. Daniel was new in town. You could tell by the gossip that followed in his wake everywhere he went. But if you cut through the hearsay, a few facts emerged.
Daniel had relocated from an Amish community in Ohio and set up shop in town as a carpenter. He was my age, but had a sadness in his eyes. And although Daniel kept to himself, his handsome looks took up residence in many of the local girls minds.
I was not a stranger to his hunkish attributes myself, but my broken heart still held precedence. Then I noticed him casually gazing at me during service. I would be lying if I said catching the eye of an attractive man didn't bring happiness to my heart. But church service was no place for lusting.
An ice cream social however was a much different animal. I couldn't imagine how hard it would be to show up as an outsider in a close knit community like ours. Even being Amish himself, Daniel wasn't familiar with the unique personalities and history that populated our village. But while the rest of the congregation seemed content to gossip from afar, I decided to give Daniel a warm welcome.
"You look like you could use a friend," I said, approaching Daniel.
"You could say that again," Daniel admitted.
"Why, did you not hear me the first time?"
It was a corny joke, but Daniel's face lit up with a healthy smile.
"I have a number of problems, but hearing is not one of them," Daniel remarked.
"Well, if you ever want to talk about your problems, you have a new friend willing to lend her ears to you," I insisted.
"And what is the name of my new friend?"
"Miriam."
"What a beautiful name. Perfect for a beautiful woman like you."
My cheeks got rosy as ever. Butterflies started making their way through my stomach. And it was an unexpected sweet treat. "You sure know how to make a first impression."
"On you at least."
"One is better than none though, right?"
"Especially since I've impressed the right one."
I couldn't help but blush again. "Don't you think you might be laying on the praise a little thick?"
"Perhaps. But you'll have to forgive me, it was a long buggy ride from Ohio. Besides, color me confused that a pretty lady such as yourself does not find herself with a husband."
"You are not the only one with confusion. But let's just say the Lord works in mysterious ways."
"Why do I get the feeling it's not the Lord but a certain man that works in mysterious ways?"
"I think that's too personal a topic for an ice cream social."
"You're right," Daniel admitted.
"So, what brings you to Lancaster County?" I asked, quickly changing the subject.
"I heard you were in need of a good carpenter," Daniel explained, clearing holding something back.
"I'll bet the master carpenter we've had in town for the last thirty years might take issue with that," I replied.
"So maybe I didn't come here just for the carpentry."
"You know, a lady might wonder why a man as handsome as yourself hasn't taken a wife," I remarked.
"That may be a little too personal for ice cream social material as well."
"Fair enough," I remarked.
"But if you're ever interested in something beyond an ice cream social, it would be an honor to give you a buggy ride."
Deep down, I wanted nothing more than to say yes. But I didn't want to come across as too eager. "I just might take you up on that."
***
It was amazing to think that a little ice cream social could change my whole attitude. Of course, it was less the ice cream and more who I was socializing with. Daniel had complimented me more in ten minutes of small talk than Jed had done the first seventeen years we knew each other.
It felt good to be noticed again. To be the center of someone's attention. And it didn't hurt that Daniel was handsome beyond belief. Still, it was odd having feelings for anyone but Jed. My heart had always belonged to my childhood crush and was having a hard time extinguishing such an old flame.
But although my heart was conflicted, my mind raced with possibilities. Jed was gone. I had no idea what he was doing or who he was doing it with. Part of me wanted to believe that Jed had his chance. That I couldn't be expected to wait around forever. That despite my obvious affection I had been passed up for the great unknown.
Besides, Daniel seemed to be plucked straight from paradise. It was not often a man just emerged in your life when your heart needed it most. But like a gift from God, there Daniel was, refusing to leave my thoughts. So I did what any woman would do when hung up on a guy.
"Can I help you?" Daniel asked, while sanding down hand crafted furniture.
But when he looked up, he didn't just see a customer, but me.
"I sure hope so. I'm looking for the guy that swooped into my life that I haven't been able to get off my mind," I said.
"You stole my line," Daniel replied.
"It's only fair. You've stolen my heart," I remarked.
"I'm sorry, would you like it back?" Daniel flirted.
"That depends. What do you intend to do with it?"
"Make it fall in love with me."
"Oh, is that all?" I asked.
"That's certainly a start."
"Your tongue certainly knows how to turn a phrase."
"With your permission one day, you shall see what else it can do."
"Well, isn't that quite a salacious thing to infer."
"I'm deeply sorry if I overstepped my bounds."
"Oh, trust me. There's no need to apologize."
Daniel smiled wide. "Are salacious thoughts making the rounds through your mind as well?"
"I'm not convinced this is an appropriate place to discuss such things," I replied.
"Perhaps I could interest you in a buggy ride then," Daniel suggested.
***
"God, I shouldn't be doing this," I mistakenly said aloud. Who was I to be taking a buggy ride with another man so soon after heartbreak? Who was I to even be having a courtship with a near stranger? And yet my emotions refused to be dismissed. They would not be shoved aside. My mind had become one track, and that track featured Daniel front and center.
"I could take you back if you wish," Daniel said.
"Do you want to take me back?"
"Absolutely not. I wish this ride would last forever."
"Daniel, how have you managed to captivate my heart so quickly?"
"I was just about to ask the same as you," Daniel replied. "I'm normally so reserved. So protective of my feelings and what could happen to them in the wrong hands. But with you--"
"Everything is different," I remarked, staring into Daniel's deep blue eyes. "I feel like a whole new woman around you. Confident. Adventurous. And yet completely assured that everything will work out to God's plan."
"I used to wonder if finding love would force me to live a life of compromise. That the journey would be fraught with awkward inevitability. But you bring calm to my nerves. Peace to my soul. And a passion that refuses to be abated."
"You know we cannot indul
ge our desires, no matter how sweet the reward temptation seems to be."
"You're right. The Lord does not look kindly on temptations of the flesh. But that does not stop me from craving."
"That's true. We all have cravings we must resist. Like your lips softly pressing against mine, making me swoon."
I couldn't believe I said that aloud. What had Daniel done to my inhibitions? Why was I so freely fantasizing about such forbidden endeavors? But it turned out I wasn't the only one with fantasies ruling my mind.
"Or your sweet touch arousing my long dormant passion," Daniel suggested.
"Such ecstasy I know not if I could deny."
"Oh the wicked things I think about when I'm around you."
"I keep wondering, would it really be so bad if we shared just one kiss? If I were to get just one taste of your lips? To be able to feel your body pressed again mine, just to satiate my appetite--"
"To keep my very being consumed with desire."
We suddenly found our bodies drifting closer to each other, our lips pursed, our minds on fire. I gazed into Daniel's eyes, transfixed by him. It felt like I could see right into his soul. It took every ounce of restraint to not give myself over to him. To sneak just one kiss. But there could be no lip locking pre maritally as long as the church had their way. It was forbidden to press the flesh. It was tempting fate. And I needed fate on my side.
My mind knew all that. It was ingrained in me. But that didn't mean my body wasn't on fire. Daniel was undeniably appetizing. Just the hunk to put my hormones in overdrive. And no amount of plain clothes could hide how handsome he was. I found myself in a dangerous position, making excuses for why I shouldn't just let Daniel kiss me once. But finally when the distance between our lips had been whittled down to nothing, it seemed like nothing could keep us from kissing, the sun found a way to reflect into my eyes. I squinted and pulled back, not wanting to stare directly into the sun.
From my new vantage point, doubt was able to creep into my mind. And while temptation was still very much present, I was able to resist. In the awkward heat of the moment, knowing just how close we'd come to kissing, I realized I needed to find a new way to keep my mind busy.
Four
I needed a distraction from my desire. The sky provided a perfect tapestry for God to work his wonders. Clouds danced in front of a baby blue back drop, putting on a show in the atmosphere that was perfect to let our minds wander. Daniel and I decided to lay in the field at a safe distance apart to not to invite temptation.