Love-shy

by Lili Wilkinson

  ‘So,’ said Hugh. ‘I’m going to get another drink.’

  He stood and left, and I stayed on the couch. He wouldn’t be coming back. I should have agreed to dance with him. But I didn’t want him to try to kiss me again, and it wasn’t like he liked me. He’d probably just felt sorry for me because I was sitting here on my own.

  I wondered what would have happened if I had been able to convince Nick to come. Would he have spoken to anyone? Would he have found out about Amy’s crush on Youssef and broken down? Or would he have finally relaxed and enjoyed himself? There were plenty of other girls here who would have wanted to talk to him.

  I imagined Nick in his room, surrounded by his Pez dispensers and romantic music CDs and terrariums. Perhaps he was making a new one, gently packing damp earth and moss into the delicate glass.

  ‘Penny?’ It was Hamish, standing a little too close to me. I could smell alcohol on his breath.

  ‘Hey,’ I said. ‘Are you having fun?’

  ‘Can I talk to you?’ he said, swaying slightly. ‘Outside? I need your advice.’

  ‘Sure,’ I said, and followed him outside. Fairy lights were strung across the back porch, and a few couples were ensconced behind bushes and on loveseats. Hamish led me to the edge of the porch and sat down, his legs hanging over the side. The air was warm and smelled of jasmine. It would have been quite romantic, if I was the kind of person who believed in romance, and was there with someone other than Hamish.

  ‘What’s up?’ I asked.

  ‘Um,’ he said. ‘Thanks for inviting me to the party.’

  ‘You’re welcome,’ I said. ‘Have you been talking to Rin? She’s lovely, right?’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Hamish. ‘She’s nice.’

  Excellent. At least one of my plans was working. I waited for Hamish to continue. Did he want advice about Rin? How to ask her out on a proper date? Or her phone number?

  ‘I really appreciate what you’re doing for me, Penny,’ said Hamish. ‘It’s very kind. Not many people are that kind.’

  ‘It’s nothing,’ I said.

  Hamish swayed again, and his shoulder bumped against mine. He must have drunk quite a lot. I tried to shuffle away subtly. I didn’t want another shy guy to throw up on me.

  ‘Hamish? Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m okay,’ he said. ‘I’m good, actually. Really good. Everything feels right, don’t you think? Tonight?’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘The weather is lovely, people are lovely, these little lights are lovely.’

  ‘Uh-huh.’

  ‘You’re lovely.’

  Oh, crap.

  And then Hamish was pressed up against me, pushing his face into mine. It was disgusting. He made a sort of moaning noise and slobbered all over my mouth.

  ‘Hamish, no.’ I squirmed away and wiped my chin.

  He looked dismayed. ‘But you said you’d help me.’

  ‘I will,’ I said. ‘I am. But I’m not going to make out with you.’

  ‘Then why did you invite me here?’

  ‘I didn’t,’ I said. ‘You asked me to come out here with you.’

  ‘Not out here, to the party.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said. ‘I was trying to help you be less shy.’

  ‘So kiss me.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Please? Just for a little while.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What if I gave you fifty dollars?’

  I stared at him, outraged. ‘Then I’d feel like a hooker.’

  Hamish looked as if he might cry. ‘I just want to touch a girl.’

  ‘You will,’ I said. ‘But you can’t just jump on them like that. You have to ease into it. And less tongue. Much less tongue. The object of kissing is not to open your mouth as wide as you can and try to swallow a girl’s head.’

  ‘Show me. Show me how to do it properly.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘Let me make this very simple for you, Hamish. I’m not interested in you. I will never be interested in you. I brought you to this party, yes. But I brought someone else too, remember? Rin? Rin doesn’t have a boyfriend. Why don’t you go inside and talk to her? And perhaps try to have a conversation and hold her hand before you suffocate her with your face.’

  I went inside without waiting for a response.

  Hugh Forward was on the dance floor, slow-dancing with painfully skinny Olivia Fischer. I scowled at her. I’d often wondered how her tiny frame had enough energy to get to the other end of the swimming pool, and now she was expending all that energy dancing and flirting with boys. I felt sorry for Olivia, really. She looked hungry. She was like a Hungry Hungry Hippo, except with no hips and extra helpings of ho.

  I shuddered. I really was a bad feminist. And how could I be jealous? I’d turned Hugh down. It wasn’t as if I liked him, even with his cute vintage outfit and his sensitive quotes from female poets. I needed to stop hanging around with so many hormonal teenagers – it was starting to rub off on me.

  I had a sudden, unpleasant flashback to Hamish trying to kiss me. What would I have done if Nick had tried that? Would I have pulled away and told him it would be unethical for us to become romantically involved?

  I’d had enough. I went over to Rin and the girls from the Manga Club. ‘I’ve got a headache,’ I told her. ‘I kind of want to go home.’

  Rin nodded. ‘Let’s go straight away. Shall we call a taxi?’

  I’d expected her to stay at the party, and send me home on my own. But she didn’t. We walked out the front and she speedily rang for a cab.

  ‘Thanks so much for bringing me, Penny,’ she said. ‘Are you okay? Is your head all right?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I said, touched. ‘Just tired, I think. And you’re welcome. I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.’

  ‘Oh, I did. Everything was wonderful.’

  She was so starry-eyed and glowing, I felt bad I hadn’t been able to orchestrate anything successful between her and Hamish. Then again, she totally deserved better than him.

  Dad was still up when I got home, curled up on the couch reading something by Dostoyevsky and drinking herbal tea. I sat down by his feet.

  ‘Did you have a good time?’ he asked, not glancing up from his book.

  ‘Yep,’ I said, without much enthusiasm.

  Dad nodded. I played with the tassels on a cushion.

  ‘Dad?’

  ‘Hmm?’ He turned a page.

  ‘What would you do if your doctor told you that you only had six months to live?’

  ‘I’d get a second opinion.’

  ‘I’m serious.’

  Dad closed his book, marking his place with a finger. ‘If my doctor told me I had six months to live?’

  ‘And your lifestyle wouldn’t be impeded by your illness.’

  Dad considered it. ‘I’d make sure I had enough money set aside to take care of you.’

  ‘And what else?’

  ‘I guess I’d use the rest to travel.’

  ‘Really?’ I wasn’t a loner loser freak like Nick, after all. Everyone wanted to travel. Who didn’t want to see as much of the world as possible before they had to leave it?

  ‘I’d go to Machu Picchu. And Angkor Wat. And New York, because I know how much you want to go there—’

  ‘Wait,’ I said. ‘I’m there too?’

  Dad laughed. ‘Of course you are,’ he said. ‘I’m not going anywhere without you.’

  ‘But what if I wanted to do different things to you? Go to different places?’

  ‘We’d figure something out.’

  ‘But it’s your last chance to do what you want. Do you really want to have to compromise?’

  Dad seemed puzzled. ‘Well, there’d be no point seeing all those places unless I had someone to share them with.’

  I undid my shoelace, and then did it back up again.

  ‘Penny?’ Dad touched my shoulder. ‘Are you okay?’

  I nodded, then straightened up and smiled at him. ‘Don’t you want Josh to come, too? On our
round-the-world tour?’

  ‘Would that be okay with you?’

  ‘Of course!’ I said. ‘You know I like Josh.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘And … well, isn’t he part of our family now?’

  Dad smiled – and I think he actually blushed.

  I took his hand and squeezed it. ‘You know, Dad, if you ever want to ask Josh to move in here with us … it’s fine with me.’

  Dad looked surprised, then leaned over to give me a hug.

  ‘I love you, kiddo,’ he said.

  ‘I love you too,’ I replied, and I meant it. I wondered if Nick had ever said those words. Or whether anyone had ever said them to him. I wondered if anyone ever would.

  I couldn’t help myself. I needed to know that Nick was okay, that he hadn’t done something stupid. I’d just check his blog this one last time. Then I’d give up.

  08:27

  There’s a party on tonight. I’ve been invited, not by the hostess, but still. An invite is an invite. I haven’t been invited to a party since I was six.

  I’m going to go. I must go. I can control this thing.

  What should I wear? I’ve pulled every item of clothing out of my wardrobe, and can find nothing. I can’t wear what I’ve worn to school before. I need special party clothes. What are special party clothes?

  Nick had wanted to go to the party? That meant that he didn’t hate me. Well, that was something.

  13:18

  I’ve just spent three hours looking at YouTube videos of teen parties to get a feel of what it will be like. Will there be alcohol? Should I drink any? Would I be expected to provide my own alcohol? What’s the protocol? The last time I went to a birthday party, there was a cake with candles and Pass the Parcel and Pin the Tail on the Donkey. I took a present wrapped up in shiny yellow paper, and a card in a purple envelope. Then I had a panic attack at the front door and had to be taken home. Should I take a gift? A card? A packet of chips?

  I’ve already showered three times today. I don’t want to smell bad. I might put on some more deodorant.

  16:02

  What if someone tries to talk to me? I’ll say the wrong thing, and they’ll learn I’m not worth speaking to. Then I’ll just be on my own and everyone will stare at me and whisper and know that I’m the one, the loser who everyone hates. I won’t even be invisible anymore, I’ll be naked and exposed and they’ll laugh and jeer and it will be like summer camp all over again.

  I can’t go.

  I can’t.

  I can’t do it.

  18:29

  I have to go. I will. I need to do this. I’m going to have another shower to calm my nerves, then get dressed and go.

  21:48

  I didn’t go.

  I wanted to. I had eight showers today, washed and dried my outfit twice, and laid it out on my bed. Then when I came back from my last shower, I froze in the middle of my room, wearing a towel around my waist. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t get dressed. It was like I’d been paralysed. I stood there for an hour, shivering.

  I’ll never get better. This is it. This is my life. Nothing will ever change.

  I switched off my computer, feeling a bit sick. I wished I’d been stronger, braver. I wished I’d been able to help Nick. I wished I hadn’t fled from his house the other night. I wished I’d never gone there in the first place. I wished I’d never heard of loveshyness.

  Never having failed,

  I could not picture

  what failure meant.

  NELLIE BLY

  12

  AS I HEADED FOR MY LOCKER after Maths on Monday morning, Ms Tidy stopped me in the hallway. ‘How’s everything going, Penny?’

  I shrugged. ‘Fine.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ she said. ‘You seemed a little distant in Friday’s meeting.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I’ve been working on that new story.’

  ‘Of course,’ said Ms Tidy. ‘The mystery story. Look, Penny, maybe you could take over the story on the Home Economics picket as well. Arabella’s writing really isn’t up to scratch. And just in case this feature you’re planning doesn’t work out. If it does, then we’ll run it on the front page and the vegan picket can go on page four. In fact, I’ve already emailed you Arabella’s notes. Is that all right?’

  I smiled. ‘Of course.’

  ‘Great,’ said Ms Tidy, brightening. ‘The other thing is, I’d really like to see a draft by the end of lunch today, so I can run it by the principal’s office. Sensitive issue, you know how it is.’

  ‘Of course,’ I said. ‘I’ll do it now.’

  Rin came bouncing up to my locker as I was putting away my books. ‘I had so much fun at the party,’ she said. ‘Thank you so much for taking me!’

  ‘Not a problem,’ I said. ‘I’m glad you enjoyed yourself.’

  ‘I did!’ Rin sighed happily. ‘I wish I could go to a party every weekend.’

  I shuddered. Sounded like my idea of hell. ‘Well, you know the social is coming up soon. Do you have a ticket?’

  Rin nodded. ‘I told my parents we’d be going together. That’s okay, isn’t it? They like you because you’re responsible and have your whole career planned out.’ She rolled her eyes.

  ‘Um, yeah,’ I said. ‘Sure. That’s fine.’

  Rin clapped her hands. ‘What are you going to wear?’ she asked. ‘Do you think anyone’ll ask me to dance?’

  ‘I’m sure they will,’ I said. ‘Look, Rin, I can’t really talk right now.’

  Her face fell a little. ‘Oh.’

  ‘Sorry,’ I said. ‘I have to write this article for the paper. But I’ll see you later, okay?’

  Rin nodded and gave me an impulsive hug. ‘Oh!’ she said. ‘I almost forgot. Did you finish reading the manga I gave you? Because I have the latest volume of Battle Vixens, if you want to borrow it.’

  ‘That’d be … great.’ I’d completely forgotten about the books Rin had lent me.

  ‘Ace!’ she said, and skipped off.

  I closed my locker door to find Hamish standing behind it. I started. ‘Could you try to be a little less creepy?’

  ‘I want her number,’ he said.

  ‘What? Whose number?’

  ‘Rin’s.’

  I blinked. ‘I thought you liked me.’

  Hamish shrugged. ‘But she likes manga,’ he said. ‘Plus I can’t be bothered playing your hard-to-get game.’

  My mouth fell open. ‘My what? I’m not playing any kind of game! I’m not hard to get – I’m not available.’

  ‘Whatever. So can I have her number?’

  ‘No,’ I said, mostly because Hamish was being a creep, but also because I hadn’t actually saved Rin’s number to my phone. ‘If you want to ask her out, you should give her your number.’

  ‘Are you crazy?’ he said. ‘What if she laughs at me?’

  ‘Then the seas will boil and a plague of frogs will rain down from the sky,’ I said. ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get to the library.’

  I turned on my heel and stalked down the hallway, only to be waylaid by Hugh Forward. ‘What is it now?’ I snapped.

  Hugh raised his eyebrows. ‘I just need you to sign off on the social budget so we can put in the catering order.’

  I took a deep breath and resisted the urge to push him out of the way. ‘Can it wait until lunchtime? I’m kind of busy right now.’

  ‘They need it by midday,’ said Hugh. ‘Come on, it’ll only take a minute.’

  I sighed and followed him to the office, where the secretary spent far too long searching for the right form and a stamp.

  ‘Looking forward to the debate?’ asked Hugh.

  ‘Sure,’ I said shortly, glancing at my watch.

  ‘I hear St Catherine’s is the other school in the final. They should be pretty easy to beat.’

  ‘Yep.’

  Hugh cocked his head. ‘Are you okay?’ he asked. ‘You seem a little preoccupied.’

  ‘Well, I was in the midd
le of something when you dragged me here,’ I said.

  He chuckled. ‘You really are in a bad mood today,’ he said. ‘Worse than usual.’

  What was that supposed to mean? Worse than usual. I wasn’t normally in a bad mood. I wasn’t in a bad mood now, I just had to write this stupid article for Ms Tidy. Who cared if the Vegan Alliance wanted to picket the Home Ec room? Home Economics was an elective, so if the vegans didn’t want to learn how to make an omelette, they should take metalwork or graphic design.

  ‘Here we are,’ said the secretary, producing a piece of paper. I scribbled my name on it and left Hugh to finish all the administrative nonsense. I was halfway up the stairs to the library when the bell went for third period. I groaned. I’d have to write the article at lunchtime.

  I headed to the library as soon as the lunch bell rang. I could easily dash off the Vegan Alliance article and have it to Ms Tidy by the end of lunch.

  I trawled the National Institute of Food Technology’s website, and found some statistics about the proportion of vegetarian dishes made in Home Economics classrooms. Arabella had already collected some quotes from the picketers, and a response from Mr Delaney, the Home Ec teacher. I just had to pull it all together. If I’d had more time I would have done some more in-depth research about civil rights and possibly the differences between public-school Home Economics curriculums and, say, the programs at Jewish or Muslim schools, or schools with a high percentage of Hindu students. But I didn’t have time, and frankly it wasn’t as if anyone would notice if I put in a little less effort than usual.

  ‘Um.’

  It was Nick looming over me. My heart started to hammer. ‘Hey,’ I said, feeling strangely awkward.

  He stood there for a moment, biting his lower lip. ‘Do you want to take a walk?’