To Be a Lesbian

by Yuriko Hime

  The nearer we got to the stage, the louder the shouts and condemnation were. If Casper had been here, he'd feel sick to his stomach, hearing the words. He'd always been for the weak and the minority. While I myself was not usually affected with hate, especially directed at me by people I didn't care about, the protesters were getting out of line. The woman holding the megaphone said, "We do not teach our children to hate, but sin in itself is hateful. So what are we to do but tell our children to condemn these people? They must be stopped."

  "This is insane," Lulu whispered to me. "Do you have enough data? If yes, then we should go."

  "Not yet," I said, squeezing her hand. We continued edging to the stage where the center of activity was focused.

  The head protester walked closer to us. "They chose this path," she yelled. "Would you let these evildoers overrun your neighborhood?" The crowd yelled no. "Would you allow them to continue?" Another firm no from the people. "They shouldn't force their disgusting shows on us. Protest at the TV station. Burn every single gay book you come across. Punish your kids who side with them. And more importantly, vote to remove their rights. Only people deserve to be married, not these creatures."

  "Scotland, no!" Lulu shouted. It was too late. Her sweaty hand had slipped away from mine. Her pleading fell on deaf ears as I climbed the stage and grabbed the megaphone from the phony leader.

  Chapter 13

  Visiting an old shrine in Japan once, Casper, Lulu, and I chanced upon a famous carving. It showed three wise monkeys namely; Mizaru, Kikazaru, and Iwazaru. One monkey was covering its eyes, another its ears, and the last its mouth, symbolizing the proverb we know today as, 'See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.'

  Casper, the moral compass holder in our group, immediately harped about the hidden meanings of the carving. He said that the monkeys could be telling us to shun away negative images, speech, and thoughts to embody the good. It could also be about not passing judgment without taking the time to listen and hear. Taken from the Code of Conduct by Confucianism, it sparked discussions in the world.

  When I saw that carving years back, my version of 'see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil' meant that as long as I was locked away in the confines of the Roth's lofty estate, I could do nothing wrong. At the anti-gay parade, hearing the leader of the protesters scream at the crowd about taking other people's rights, suddenly I realized that my earlier reasoning about the carving was faulty. I couldn't turn a blind eye or pretend everything was alright. It was one way to hear these things on the news or from a friends. It was another to be in thick of the protest.

  Lulu begged for me to get down from the stage, to leave things alone. But right then I was Casper's sister more than I was my father's daughter. It was empowering to see things from my brother's perspective once in a while.

  I stared at the sea of faces below. They were diverse in color, status, age, and background. Most of them had families. After this event they'd go back home, kiss their wives and husbands, and enjoy the privileges that they were refusing to give the LGBT whom they thought of as monsters. What were they fighting for, really? Why did they bring their toddlers here?

  Those who didn't see how I wrestled the megaphone from the speaker thought I was invited to the stage on purpose. Everyone's attention was on me. "Speech!" someone said, expecting me to deliver an outcry that would support their movement. Below, Lulu was shaking her head, discouraging me from continuing. She should have realized by now that asking me to stop would only challenge me to go on. I brought the megaphone to my mouth.

  "I've always been a rational person," I said. "Raised in a good home, educated in the best schools, traveled from Europe to Africa. I've met strange and cool people along the way." They nodded like mindless drones. "But this. . . The way you express yourselves is neither weird nor amazing. You're condoning the restriction of other people's human rights. I've always been willing to listen to stories, but I can't tolerate this. Though I respect that you have a different belief, I think stepping on others is when you draw the line." I pointed to the leader. "And you. Why don't you fix yourself first before spitting on others? You seriously need a makeover."

  I've heard total silence before; In the school gym when I was alone, training hard to make the cut in the cheerleading team; Before the nationals, when my teammates and I had our heads bowed, silent in prayer or wishes, hoping we'd win; In my bedroom back home, early morning, when I was trying to figure out what my next big thing was so I could outdo myself; And after my entrance exams in college when I finished the tests before anyone else in the room, putting my pen on top of the paper, knowing I'd be accepted.

  The silence in each of those was calming, not deafening, whereas today it was putting pressure on my ears as if I've ridden the airplane. Maybe this was what it would feel like when a riot was about happen. Though I've been caught in one, we weren't there for the full show. People would stay quiet, angsty, push, then attack each other, kicking and punching.

  I yanked Lulu's hand and lifted her to the stage long before the leader screamed, "Get her!" There was the noise of shuffling feet. It was like a concert where people were running after their favorite band, only we didn't bring our guitar, and they were out to maul us.

  A laugh bubbled from my throat while we ran to the back of the stage, away from the wooden planks, towards another street that had been blocked. Why was I laughing? Maybe it was because I couldn't believe this was happening. Maybe because somewhere over this stretch of wasteland were law enforcers. They always had a group present for protests. If we could get to them or maybe them to us, this dangerous idiocy would stop.

  I patted my back pocket while running, and scowled. "My phone is gone," I said. "Did I give it to you?" Lulu shook her head frantically. Voices came from the other side of the street. They were going to block us in front and from behind. She pulled me behind a dumpster at the nick of time and pushed my head down. There were yells and calls.

  "Search the alley. They can't be far off," the leader instructed. "I'll handle the authorities. My brother-in-law is the deputy. He'll get the rest off our backs."

  "What should we do if we find them?" someone asked.

  "Give them to me. We'll teach them a lesson."

  It took minutes for them to arrange their ranks. There were too many John's on their group, and apparently not enough Ashley's. The leader thought there was an Ashley. Once we were sure they were gone, Lulu turned to me. "I told you not to get us in this situation," she said. Her face was flushed red, contorted and panicked. Only a thin line separated her from this to hysteria. "Why don't you ever listen to me?! This has always been your problem. I don't know why I bothered coming."

  I clasped her shoulders. "Because you love me, and without you here, I'd be in more trouble." I sneaked a peek behind the dumpster. The street was empty save for the banners and flyers left on the ground.

  She jerked away and patted her pocket. Her mouth quirked down. "My phone is gone too. There must have been pickpockets in the crowd. You'll get us killed. Have you seen the videos?" She was referring to the links she sent me the other night about viral videos online. I've watched one or two, then went back to researching. "Most of these people are radical thinkers," she ranted. "They won't stop till they convert your beliefs or they've beaten you black and blue."

  I raised both hands. "Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves. Maybe we can do a dialogue."

  "After the way you insulted them? I don't think so." She slumped on the wall. "What you need to realize is we can't be saved by your parents every single time. Why do you do this to you? To us?"

  "But the three monkeys," I whined. A line appeared between Lulu's brows. She wouldn't understand, and now probably wasn't the time to explain. "We're Watson and Sherlock, remember? Scold me when we get home."

  "If we get home." Her nostril flared.

  "We will," I insisted. "This won't happen again."

  "You said that last time." One too many times, but who was counting?


  "Look, let's check the establishments before giving up. Maybe someone will help us. This isn't a ghost town." It definitely felt like one when we walked on the vacant street, crouched low, ears opened for noises. Darkness have crept in, making it hard to see, but based on what we've observed so far, there were no people, no help, and no one to care. Lulu was against opening a flashlight we brought, in fear of being spotted. "Hey," I said, stopping next to a convenient store. "You think they're still onto it? They can't be all searching for us. They have jobs and families to tend to. They're overacting."

  Her eyes were drooped when she looked at me. "You tell me. You're the one who got us in this mess," she said. Maybe I should be guilty, because in a way, she was right. However, Lulu had always acted like this, mad because I dragged us in circumstances, back to a smiling girl when we get home, pining after Casper. She'd get over it.

  "I think I heard voices that way," a man said from another area. His voice carried to us because of the silence. Give or take, we'd come in contact with him and his group in a minute, tops. Lulu and I scrambled to find a hiding spot. The street we've stumbled on wasn't as hide-and-seek friendly as the one we came from. I flinched at my carelessness. "Spread out," the man said. "This is the only place we haven't covered yet. We're going to find them soon."

  I stopped all efforts to escape and kissed Lulu's cheeks calmly. I've accepted what was coming. "We'll my friend, I guess this is it," I said. "It was nice knowing you. On my last heroic attempt, I'm going to run to the angry mob and say it's all me. While they're on it, slip away and claim your allegiance to them. I won't harbor hate on my death bed towards you, so long as you tell my parents I died fighting for the greater good. There's a last will and testament under my bed. It states that I'm giving you my Miu Miu bag. Sell the rest of my things and use the money to help an impoverished community. I'm counting on you."

  She gave me a wild-eyed look. "Did you hit your head? I'm not going to leave you."

  "You should, and you will. Give Casper my love." It was a pathetic attempt to make her feel good in our situation. I was looking for possible hiding places while talking to her, not seeing how we were to fit in a small trashcan or climb a tree not far ahead before the wild group would stop us. I didn't regret running my mouth in front of the protesters. The biggest evil in the world was knowing that it existed and not doing anything. Casper taught me that, and now I was passing the knowledge to everyone who was reading this.

  I kept an eye on the blind corners the group could come from. They'd be here any second. "I'll try to reason with them first," I said to Lulu. "If they don't agree, I'll tell them who I am. I know I promised not to use my family name, but this is an emergency. How's that for hitting my head?" She didn't answer. Was she that mad? "Lulu?" I whispered. "Lulu?!" My stomach twisted when I saw no sign of her. Alarm gripped me for the first time, coiling round my chest and squeezing. Where was she? A hand clamped over my mouth before I could think of my next move. Whoever it was dragged me inside the convenience store, stopping my screams.

  It was unbearably dark that I couldn't see anyone or anything in front of me. I had to squint and let my eyes adjust. When the room was lighter than I perceived before, I noticed two brown orbs blinking at me. "It's me," Lulu said. My fear ebbed away. She was safe and sound. "Come with me to the back." She held my hand and guided me past the shelves, to the inner part of the shop, behind the counter. A small flashlight was opened there, angled down so as not to attract attention. The person who was holding it, Lynx, looked up at me.

  "What are you doing here?" I whispered, coming beside her. She shrugged. "You couldn't have landed here magically. You've been following me again, haven't you?"

  "Who is she?" Lulu asked me.

  "My. . . I don't know. She's the woman I've been telling you about."

  Lulu took a good look at Lynx as one would examine an art. She nodded to herself. "You could have told me she's beautiful," Lulu said. What did that have to do with anything? Lynx was a stalker, end of discussion. "Anyway, do you think it's safe to stay here? I put a chair against the doors. Will that hold them out?"

  "Yes," Lynx answered her. "Unless they see the chair, they won't come in because they think you're out there, hiding behind dumpsters." She really had been watching us. I pinched her midriff and was disappointed with the lack of flab I could torture. She smirked. "You're always getting yourself into trouble, aren't you Scotland?"

  "Shut up," I said, leaning my head on the wall. "Don't pretend like you know me. I don't care if you've done your research. And don't even mention that party." I called Lulu's attention and gestured on my lap. "We'll spend the night here and leave tomorrow, Lu. Sleep." She held on for a second before crawling to my side and resting her head next to my knees. Her eyes were puffy and her breathing was strained. Alright, maybe I was guilty. A little.

  It was only when Lulu was asleep did I look back at Lynx. She was wearing black ripped jeans and faded t-shirt. It wasn't a chance encounter that lead her here. She'd been in the neighborhood on purpose. "I don't know what to think of you," I said.

  "Neither do I with you," she said back.

  "Are you in love with me or something?"

  Blue green eyes cut through me. "What if I am?" she said. That was not the answer I was hoping for. She was supposed to get upset, stunned, or feel awkward. Lynx was unperturbed. It was like she was doing and saying these things with a motive.

  "You'll be disappointed if you are." I stroked Lulu's hair. She'd feel the muscle aches from sleeping on the floor in the morning, but the important thing was her safety. "I don't know what games you're playing, but I want it to stop," I said.

  "It wasn't me who insisted on going to the party together," Lynx reminded. "And sitting on my lap in the car. And telling my grandmother that we were engaged. You have it the other way around. You're the one who's head over heels over me."

  "Get over yourself," I said. "I don't feel anything for you, and most especially, I don't chase after people. They chase after me." I wrapped my fingers on her chin, tilting her head to me. She didn't look scared or intimidated. A rare creature. She needed to be put in her place. "What do you want from me?"

  "Not everyone wants something from you," she said. I closed my eyes briefly. Oh patience, please don't leave me in this dire time of need. Lynx didn't seem to want money despite her many jobs. She didn't want to hurt me. She even rescued me and Lulu. She said she was uninterested in the love department, and the girl knew how to get in my nerves. She'd been doing it for thirteen chapters, so what the heck did she want?

  I let her go. "I have better things to do than to ride your craziness," I said. "I have goals, and to tell you the truth, I don't find you exciting. Not after I got even with you." Why was I lying to myself? I wanted to know everything about her. I've never been this intrigued about anyone before.

  "You didn't get even with me," she said.

  I cocked an eyebrow up. "Uhh, yeah I did. Your grandma is probably excited planning for the wedding." I chuckled. "How did that go? Did she send the invitations to our guests, honey?"

  Lynx's smile was full of sarcasm. "My grandmother hasn't gotten there yet. She's still waiting for us to coordinate with her." Ha! I've really settled the score with her. Imagine getting out of that one. Lynx shone the flashlight to my face, blinding me. I covered my eyes. "But you're wrong if you think you've avenged yourself," she said.

  I snatched the flashlight from her, in time to see her eyes sparkle, as if she was having a private joke. "What do you mean?" I asked.

  Her eyes roamed the small confines we were bunking on. "If it couldn't be more obvious, I just saved your life. That gives me a leverage."

  "So?"

  "You're going to pay me back," she said. "My grandmother is coming to town on Sunday. You have to ride along and be my fiance for a day. That is, if you're not too weak to pretend to be a lesbian." Was that a challenge? Did she think she can win over me? I turned the flashlight off.

  "You'r
e on," I said.

  Chapter 14

  Let's pause for a moment to appreciate how beautiful the day was. Getting out of the convenience store at dawn, you'd think that we weren't chased by extremists the night before. The air was cool on my skin. The streets, though not yet invaded by half-asleep people who would go to work, were free from the mob that threatened to hurt or otherwise convert us to their beliefs.

  "I told you we'd make it," I said to a dazed-looking Lulu. She was barely conscious after I've shook her roughly awake, grunting and clasping my arm like I was a mattress she'd like to climb onto. Where was Lynx in all of this? She was facing the opposite direction, her hair and face glowing subtly. I steadied Lulu on her feet so I could see what Lynx was doing. "You're texting on your phone!" I exclaimed when I saw her hand. "Why didn't you use it to call for help? They could have rescued us from this nightmare."

  She put the device on sleep and slipped it in her pocket. It was hard to get through the Mona Lisa look she was trying to pull with me. "I forgot that I had it," she excused. "Besides, there wouldn't be a strong signal at the back anyway."

  "Really?!" I've had enough of this. Did she lead us here on purpose? Couldn't be. I took the megaphone from the speaker out of my free will.

  Lynx glanced down to her pocket, as if deciding whether to reach for her phone again. She settled for crossing her arms. "I was texting my grandmother because she woke up early. Happens all the time with old people. You're still on for the weekend with her?" She made the question sound like she wouldn't care if I was present or not. That's what made me itch to go. In the short period I've come to know her, she'd manage to find my weak spots, discovered how she was going to make me say yes. I hated and admired her for it, yet at the moment I was leaning to the former.