To Be a Lesbian

by Yuriko Hime

  Putting my legs over the parapet, I clung to the stone before hoisting the other leg over. I used my upper body strength to dangle on the balcony, briefly thinking why I couldn't just go past Lynx on the front door and explain that I had some sort of emergency, before letting go.

  The bushes softened my fall. I stood and brushed the leaves that had stuck to my clothes, ignoring the shooting pain on my butt and knees. A small price to pay for my freedom. I had a feeling that a dialogue with Lynx at this point would either confuse me more or increase the effect of the familiarity principle. I limped away from the house, hailing a taxi at the street. Yet another reminder of her.

  When I got back to our place in one piece, my phone turned off to avoid complications, I found Lulu on the floor, ripping a bunch of magazines. "Did we get a new pet, or is that your way of killing the time?" I said. "Lay it on me."

  She ripped a page from the magazine in half, continuing the shredding process. "Everything stands as I told you on the phone," she sulked. "He's coming with Jessie. I couldn't stop him." Lulu rolled what was left of the magazine and hurled it across the living room. I stopped and stared. "He's so selfish," she said. "Why would he parade his girlfriend on purpose in front of me? He must have at least felt that I liked him. I did show him signs throughout the years." Like what, give him a copy of the voodoo doll she liked on his twentieth birthday?

  I sat on the floor next to her, legs tucked underneath like the Japanese did to lessen pressure on my behind. What should I root for, my brother's happiness or hers? Both of them were important to me. I didn't understand why their interests couldn't have intersected. It wasn't like they were Lynx and me. They could fix this, whereas Lynx and I were just. . . Not compatible.

  "I'll try to reason with him," I said to Lulu. "I'm sorry if I've been too busy caught up with my study to work things out with the Jessie problem." I put a hand on her knee. "Trust me like you've always had. I'll fix this."

  "I don't think you can," she said. "Not this time. He really loves her." She looked like she wanted to stab someone. "I've always been there for him, not her. Remember that time when he hurt his ankle from falling on the horse while playing polo? I nursed him back to health, not Jessie. And when they thought he was a thief because you tricked the police to think that, I stayed on the precinct until Mr. and Mrs. Roth took care of the problem."

  I cringed at the memory. "Yes, you did all those things. I'll make sure to use the examples to reason with him." I almost told her to eat the Vietnamese takeout to feel better. Too bad it was back in Lynx's house, sitting on the table. "Why don't you go to bed?" I said. "Sleep on this. I'll fix everything, okay?"

  Her chest moved down in defeat. "Alright," she said. "I'll count on you for that. Good night Scottie."

  "Good night Lulu."

  Early the next morning, my fingers were shaking as I speed-dialed Casper's number. I had to talk to him. This was an emergency. "Buy a ticket and come over here right now," I said when he answered, close to blowing my top off.

  "Why? What happened?" He sounded tense. He must have picked up on my tone.

  "Lulu went away. This is all your fault! I'll hate you forever if something happens to her. I mean it."

  Chapter 25

  Sherlock was supposed to take care of Watson as much as Watson should take care of Sherlock. But what did I do? I failed two of my most favorite characters through Lulu. Call it best friend appreciation day. I was given time to reflect on my actions while waiting for Casper to arrive at the airport. Seated on a bench in a crowded terminal, one earphone hooked to my ear, I blamed myself and Casper for Lulu's disappearance. Largely Casper, but I had a part in it too. If I didn't neglect her, if only I'd taken care of her first instead of being too focused on other things, this wouldn't have happened.

  How many times did Lulu save me from trouble? How many advice did she give that I didn't take? Since we were keeping count, I'd say a lot. She didn't deserve this from me. Maybe Lynx was right. My ego was overinflated, and I should fix it, at least where Lulu was concerned. Was I too late to change for her?

  "The flights were all booked, so I took the private jet," Casper said, having arrived without my knowledge. I tugged my earphone away and stared at my older brother. Standing in front of me, his lean form blocking my view, there were dark circles around his eyes and his shoulders were hunched, making him appear older than his real age. I stood and hugged him. A group of teens near us squealed. They must have thought Casper was my boyfriend who I haven't seen for months. N to the O.

  After releasing me from his arms, I took one step back, raised my hand, and began scratching his face. The sudden change of air caught him off guard. Exactly my intention. "This is all your fault," I hissed. "If you kept your relationship status to yourself, we wouldn't be here discussing about Lulu. My respect for you is gone. I can't believe my brother is the biggest fuck boy ever." I succeeded to pound his chest with my fist.

  He used his arms as a shield. "What are you talking about? Relationship status? Fuck boy? I never posted anything on my social media about that. You know how I try to be responsible with everything I say." He seized my hands to stop my attacks. I would have laughed any other day, hearing those words repeat on his mouth. It didn't sound like him. But this wasn't any other day. I was furious with us.

  A whistle blew in the distance, followed by calls for attention. I looked for the source and saw a guard marching to us. Goodie.

  The guard cleared the bystanders who have sneakily formed around us before going to me and Casper.

  "What seems to be the problem here?" he said. The dog that accompanied him was on a tight leash by his side. With the other hand, he took out his walkie talkie and said, "I don't need backup. It's nothing major. Just a couple having a lover's quarrel. I'll bring them to the office for further questioning." He turned to us. "Sir, ma'am, I need you to come with me calmly. My colleagues have radioed in about a disturbance, and I'm only doing our protocol."

  Casper gave him a smile that said everything was under control. He looked uncannily like daddy when he did that, though deep inside I knew he was anxious because I could say or do something to worsen our predicament. I almost always did that just to test everyone's reaction. It was nothing but social experiment on my part. It was a different story for Casper and Lulu. They thought it was a nightmare, especially when we were in other countries where the law was harsher. Imagine hanging someone without explanations.

  "It's nothing but a petty misunderstanding, sir," I said in a small voice, batting my lashes at the guard. "We don't need to take this to the office. We can just leave. No harm done."

  "My sister is right, officer," Casper supplied. He adjusted his shirt so he'd look half decent. "Seeing me after a year made her excited. Roughhousing is how we show love in the family. Nothing special. It's just a joke."

  "Is it?" The officer took a better look at us. His eyes lingered on our similar tired faces and expensive clothing, including Casper's shiny Patek watch. He pointed the walkie talkie antenna under my brother's nose. "I have you recorded on camera. If we catch you with the same misdemeanor again, you'll find yourself sleeping in the closest precinct. Got it?"

  Casper beamed. "Definitely. Bye." He pulled me towards the nearest exit before I could complain. "You're so immature sometimes," he growled. We added more distance between us and the guard. "I don't know how you manage to snag awards and win people over with this snarky attitude. We'll talk about this when we get home."

  The house felt like a set to a crime scene. It was quiet, empty, and reeked of Lulu's disappearance. Having calmed down from the ride back, I stood in the middle of the living room, not saying anything. To put this out of the way, I concede that my actions on the airport was wrong. It was childish, could have taken us away from this investigation, and would have brought us straight to calling our parents to bail us again. I thought I've grown out of needing their help, but I still had plenty to learn.

  Casper folded his arms. "I want to u
nderstand where you're coming from," he said. "Really, I do. I'm listening." His features softened. "What happened? Where's Lulu? I pulled an all-nighter with my friends for a project, and to get a call from you so early in the morning fried my brains. I haven't even had breakfast yet."

  "Take a seat," I instructed. He regarded the sofa behind him in mild surprise, as if it had only come to his attention after I gestured to it. Casper mumbled his thanks. "Did you or did you not call Lulu yesterday?" While I was out with Lynx having massages. I pushed the thought away.

  "I did," he said, fidgeting on his seat. "I told her I missed both of you so I'll be coming with Jessie for a visit."

  I clasped my hands behind my back. "There's your problem. She ran away because of your bitc— Because she couldn't handle the thought of meeting your girlfriend. You're so dense." I fixed a stare at him. "I promised not to disclose this information to anyone, but since this is an emergency, I have to make an exemption to the rule."

  He bit a nail nervously. "What are you talking about?"

  There was no better time to divulge it. Screw the best friend code. And for all bff's out there, don't be disappointed. "Lulu's been in love with you for a long time," I said. "She refused to be involved with guys and had no boyfriend since birth because of you. I'll let this information sink in for a while so you can feel as guilty as I am."

  Casper paled, his eyes widening. "Fuck," he said.

  "Watch your mouth," I reprimanded. "I'm trying to keep this book as clean as possible."

  He didn't ask what that was about as he dragged his hand over his face and stared miserably at his loafers. I knew that somewhere inside, he cared for Lulu too. "I screwed up big time, sis. What will I do?" I felt a twinge of pity for him. If we were being honest here, I'd say that technically, he didn't know that his relationship would have an effect on anyone. He was enjoying his life like any other dude. "Jessie is a dog," he said.

  "I get that. Now break up with her."

  He shook his head. "No, you don't understand. Jessie is the actual name of my puppy. She had a limp when I found her wandering without a collar, so I took her to the vet, waited for someone to come looking, and when nobody claimed her, I snuck her in the dorms. The time I called Lulu, I genuinely wanted her to meet Jessie. I have this crazy idea that I'll win her over with the dog."

  "Hold up," I said, processing his words. "You want to win Lulu because of what exactly?"

  He didn't answer me at once. Casper tapped his foot and rubbed his 5 o'clock shadow. He'd always kept his face clean shaven, save on occasions like this when he was in a hurry or stressed. I had an inkling on where this conversation was going.

  "I've liked her from that start," he professed. "She's brilliant. She's beautiful. She has a good heart, unlike some people." Unlike me. I rolled my eyes at him. We've all established that I could be a cold-hearted girl, particularly when I was being ruffled or I wanted to win over something. But I was only doing what daddy taught me. Casper fiddled with his thumbs. I was sensing that there was more. "I'm intimidated by her," he said.

  I scrunched my face. That was just stupid. Lulu was the least intimidating person in the world. "Why?" I said.

  The dreaminess on his face was a first. One side of me wanted to slap him and laugh. The other was glad for Lulu. "Because she's good at her craft," he said. "I get so tight-lipped when she's talking about her passion, she probably thinks I'm an idiot."

  I thought of all the times they'd have a conversation in my presence. From an outsider's perspective, Casper had looked uninterested, bored out of his wits. Was he in fact clamming out of shyness because he didn't know what to say? I had to put this in a notebook for future reference or something. In Sociology, this was called generalization. Casper, Lulu, and I had been guilty of assuming things before even asking ourselves if it was right. If only we'd sat down and talked.

  I put a palm on my face and shook my head. "She doesn't think you're stupid," I assured. "Believe me, she's been waiting for you all this time." His shoulders dipped lower. I wasn't in love with either of them, but I loved them enough to feel the weight of their problems. I used that emotion to get into action. "When I woke up this morning, I found the note that Lulu left on my table. She said she'll be staying with a friend around town indefinitely to avoid you. Her phone was also off."

  Casper's forehead creased. "A note from her would stop us from calling the police for help because she's not a missing person. Why did you think she's in trouble anyway, and who's this friend she's staying with?"

  "Beats me," I said with a shrug. "Lulu talked to people here and there, but I don't think any of them got close to her well enough that she could ask them for a big favor. Of course these are all assumptions. I've been gone for days at a time for my research, and sometimes I only come home to sleep. She could be doing anything then."

  "Have you called the hotels and inns nearby?" he said. "She could have checked-in. I'll give them a ring if you haven't. In the meantime, go to her room and look for clues that she could have left. Come back if you find anything."

  I saluted. "Gotcha."

  Casper was already checking his phone for numbers to contact by the time my shoes hit the staircase. No more drama on our side, just action for Lulu. I didn't usually open her room without her permission, what with all the creepiness hiding around the corner. Doing it now, it felt like I was overstepping our boundaries. Lulu's things were as it should; on the desk, on chairs, and her nightstand. I took her laptop from the table and fired it on the bed. It was disappointing when her desktop came swiftly into view. Why did she bother putting a password on if it would only be Casper's name?

  To know what a person was thinking nowadays, you only had to go to the web page and check the history of the computer. Through the searches done by the person, you'd know if she was into make-up, clothes, social discussions, and sometimes even porn. That technique wouldn't apply to me though. Because I was writing a lot of things and was constantly checking for facts, if people were to analyze my laptop's history, they'd arrive with only one conclusion- I was a total psychopath.

  As for Lulu, her history was deleted a couple of days ago with only two searches done since. I checked on the newest and was taken to a website that sold candles. They were offered for a discount in different shapes, sizes, scents, and colors. What was more striking was the particular website was designed for people who practiced witchcraft, not just for any other person who wanted to work on home improvement or buy gifts.

  The second website on the history sold all kinds of black robes. You name it, they had it. The robes came in ceremonial designs, to hooded, to medieval capes that matched with pointy hats. If I didn't know any better, my best friend was doing freaky things behind my back. But who was I to complain? I myself have claimed to be a psychopath. No wonder we were friends.

  Knowing that I wouldn't find anything else on her search bar, I proceeded to check Lulu's files. It might have been invasion of privacy, but better I did it than Casper. And on that note, I hope she didn't have that much picture of him. I'd gag myself to death.

  Thankfully, upon inspection, there was only a photo of Casper playing polo on a horse, and one of him standing by the pool with a shirt on. So much for that. I was about to close the laptop when I saw a file that wasn't in a folder. I clicked on it.

  Casper was still on the phone once I made it to the first floor. "No Miss Sullivan there?" he confirmed. "I understand. It's just that my sister told me to give our friend a call when I arrive, but since I lost my old phone, I thought I could get patched by the hotel to her room. Alright, I'll find another way. Thank you." He frowned and put down his cell. "Found anything?" he said when I went to him.

  "I did."

  "And?"

  "Lulu has an invitation for tonight."

  "For what?" He scowled. "Come on, I need more than that. Give me the details."

  I chewed on the insides of my mouth. He wouldn't like what he was going to hear. "The exact words on the file
were," and I mimicked, "meet and greet the butcher. It's a black robe event. Bring your knife." I sagged on the sofa next to him. "Call me crazy all you want, but I think she joined a cult."

  Chapter 26

  I couldn't count on my fingers how many instances in my life Casper has looked at me like I said the Queen of England was secretly transvestite, or the president of the United States was an alien sent from another planet. Such reactions were normal because I was prone to say things that would elicit them on purpose. Telling him about Lulu's possible membership to a strange and dark cult was a bit different. He laughed at me. A rear his head back, one hand on the belly, one fist pounding on the sofa, deep in the chest laugh that vibrated out of his mouth.

  "A cult?" he said, suppressing his guffaws to stare. "Scotland, you've done it again. For your sake, I'll humor this nonsense."

  I crossed my arms. "Explain the invitation then. Robes? Butcher? Knife? If that isn't odd enough, they're meeting at 8 pm in the outskirts of town where no one can see them light a candle and whisper their chants."

  "So?" He was still skeptical. "Lulu has always been interested in those. A bunch of people with the same fascination meeting together is not a cult. They're club members. Girl scouts also light bonfires in the woods at night before they go door-to-door selling cookies the day after. You're overreacting."

  "Am not," I huffed. "Get your phone. I want to show you something."

  "I'm not doing it."

  "You said you were going to humor me," I whined.

  "Unbelievable." Casper shook his head and snatched his mobile. "Now what?"

  "Go to the browser and type this address."

  The sky was dark from outside the window. The distinct smell of rain was in the air. Petrichor, they called it. No, that wasn't an incantation from your favorite book of magic. Petrichor was the scent created when droplets of rain hits the soil. It travels from one area to another by air, so you could easily foretell that rain was coming, like a warning. Miles from where I was, people were experiencing a rain shower, and soon, the clouds would arrive here to drench our streets.