To Be a Lesbian

by Yuriko Hime

  "Thanks for the interview," I said to Anushka.

  Lynx clutched my hand and leaned to me to whisper, "Society can be cruel and unjust, even if they don't realize it. People like Anushka, people who wanted to conform because they think they have no choice, they always end up miserable and suicidal. I've said this one too many times. I'll always choose happiness. You always have a choice."

  Nobody was in the house when I got home. Lulu was probably with Casper. No big deal. I could call her if I needed an advice. She and my brother would come running if I asked them. From now on, I should learn to sort myself, face the demons alone. I didn't want to cause them trouble like before. Not with my sexuality. Not with my project. Not with the red paint spattered on the wall, leading to my bedroom. 'Scotland is a whore,' it said. 'And she's going to get it.'

  Chapter 33.

  Each letter on the wall claiming that I was a whore was approximately three times the size of a ruler, red enough to notice. It was still new. The paint smelled fresh. Not bad as bullying went. They made an effort. I scratched my chin and considered my options. I could have that painted over, take the chance to redecorate before Lulu went home. Nobody needed to know. I could handle this myself as I'd been doing since leaving for college.

  Prying my eyes from the sad attempt of a design, I squared my shoulders, put my chin up, and marched to my bedroom. Whoever did that wouldn't come back because they'd think I'd call the police like a sissy little girl. I'd smash their head's on the floor if they were still here.

  My bedroom was quiet as a tomb, not a pillow out of place. I haven't sensed anyone in the house since coming in either. The suspects had taken care to lock the door behind them after they've left. I'd have that replaced and reinforced, but before that, there was the matter about my research. I'd have to input my thoughts about Anushka, the gay gene, and other things I've learned with Lynx.

  The laptop was easily discernible on my neat, almost empty table. Compared to Lulu, I wasn't keen on collecting things, only experiences. When you could buy anything you wanted, almost everything loses value except for family and select friends.

  "Why then should anyone strive to be rich?" I asked daddy upon finding this out.

  "To know the real meaning of value," he said.

  The laptop started faster than usual, which in itself was weird. With all the pictures, videos, and information I've been dumping in it, the loading time had been suffering as of late. It must have cured itself. The reflection on the screen showed the nasty letters on the wall outside. My fingers shook. I clenched and unclenched my hands, then repositioned the laptop before concentrating on my tasks. Distractions, each and every one of them.

  I frowned at the screen. The Word document I've placed in plain sight on the desktop was gone. I scrolled the touchpad. It should have been here. I saved it specifically on the desktop so I wouldn't have trouble looking. "Easy," I said to myself. "It's there. You just have to look harder." Nibbling my lips, I entered the folders, ran a search, and revisited the recycle bin. Only one result was concluded, the chapters to my study were missing.

  My phone glowed like Christmas lights before I had the chance to react. I snatched it and slid the answer option. "Hello."

  "You sound awful," Lulu said from the other line. "Are you alright?"

  She'd been asking me that for more than three years. Are you alright, Scotland, she said the first time I strained my ankle from track and field. I wasn't a member, but someone had issued a challenge. They got what they deserved. Are you alright, Scotland, she said when mommy lectured me on the phone after I've played the trick on Casper for the secret dinner. Are you alright, Scotland, she said when I came home after the competition with Julia, flushed and jittery, unable to breathe properly.

  "I'm coming home," she pressed at present, after I didn't speak.

  "Don't you dare do that," I hissed, surprising myself. I sounded mad. Guilty. "What I meant to say was I'm contagious. You and Casper will catch the flu I'm having. It's better if you stay in his apartment while this subsides. Lynx will take care of me." Bah! When have I ever relied on anyone other than them? And even then I still had my reservations. "I'll be angry if you come home," I added.

  "But I need to take care of you," she said. How did I deserve such a friend? She was always looking out for me. It was for such reasons that she shouldn't be involved.

  "It's not your job, Lu," I said. "I'll call you when this is over." The house was unbearably silent when I hang up, suffocating. Look at you, I told myself as I tossed the phone out of sight. You've changed. Most times you'd drag your best friend and brother to your mess without remorse. Nowadays you didn't want them anywhere near it. Applaud. Applaud. I opened my drawer to get the hard drive where I stored a copy of my research. Another applaud.

  While waiting for the hard drive to load on the computer, I typed the name of my website on the address bar to follow up on messages. The query redirected me to a white page. THE WEBSITE DOES NOT EXIST, it said. My eyes widened in alarm. Simultaneously, the hard drive's window popped into view. It was empty. All the files that I've saved, gone. I removed the USB connector and re-inserted it on the laptop port. Still empty. The black command prompt of the computer appeared out of nowhere and ran scripts I didn't recognize. It blinked a couple of times, then the screen turned blank. It was dead.

  "No, no, no, no." I grasped my hair. This was worse than my pet, Trafalfa, dying on me. I was too young to remember if the lizard was cute or friendly, too young to understand. Long story short, I sat on it by accident and it died. This was a million times harder, not that Trafalfa was insignificant. The research was my baby, my pride and joy. I'd gotten myself in a lot of troubles for this. Shit!

  Calm down, Scotland. There must be a rational explanation for this. I knew there was. I grabbed my phone and researched a number. "Hi," I said after a while, my voice steady and untroubled. There was no reason to be exaggerated. It was like that time when Lulu accidentally ripped my homework and I had to show the teacher the evidence. I did do it. The remains were there. It was just mangled, sick, and dying.

  "Hello," the person from the other line said. "Welcome to computer express. My name is Kelly. How can I be of service?"

  "My laptop is dead," I said. "There are important files in it that I want you to retrieve. Is that possible? How soon can you get it done?"

  "It depends on the extent of damage, ma'am. Why don't you drop by our shop so we can take a look at it?" Drop by? I hardly had time for that. What was the fastest way for people to act? I scratched my cheek. Got it.

  "Do you want a thousand dollars?" I said. "If you do, come to the location I'm going to tell you. The laptop will be on the front door with your money. Fix it, revive it, retrieve my files, and you will get more."

  "Seriously?" she said. "Jokes like this are so 90's."

  "It's not a prank," I said impatiently. "If you can't do it, I'll take my business elsewhere."

  She laughed nervously. "Okay, you got me. Can't say no to a thousand bucks. What's your address?"

  The web hosting company was my next target. After calling and giving the necessary information to the male staff who answered, I asked, "Why is my website dead? I can't go to it even when I used the internet from my phone. I thought you run the best service?"

  There was rapid typing on the other line. "It says here that you cancelled your account this morning." He was bored, monotonous, as if my problem wasn't important. "You wanted everything erased."

  My nostril flared. Erased? I didn't back-up the files on an online storage because I was confident my website would never be erased. "I've never issued the cancellation," I snapped. "Which means your service is a fraud. Which means you're about to lose your job. Ever heard of that? It's hard to get hired when your files said you've been fired."

  A sharp breath. "Hold on a second there, miss. I just work here. I don't know what's going on," he said. "I've only told you what I've seen in the records. You can talk to my supervisor if you wa
nt."

  "Does he sound as bored as you?" I said between clenched teeth.

  "N-no." A whoosh of air. "I'm sorry if I sounded like that. I was having a rough day at work." How was that my problem? I was about to tell him that, but then I remembered my goody two shoes of a brother. I cut the call before I said something I'd regret. Now what?

  Twenty minutes later, Lynx's door creaked open. I was enveloped by the warmth from the house, a sublime feeling of being submerged in a bathtub full of lukewarm water. The cause of it was the fireplace on the receiving hall, burning since before I left. She would have re-stocked the wood and made things more comfortable, so by the time she put the fire out when she was about to sleep, the warmth would stay long after. Lynx was taken aback to see me there so soon. We had just parted ways after interviewing Anushka.

  "Scotland?" she asked, one arm on the doorway, head tilted. Like the warmth from the house, looking at her made some of my tension ease.

  I jerked my thumb to the two tall trees on her lawn. "You never did tell me about them," I said.

  She searched my face intently. I could hardly blame her. I wasn't making much sense, and it must have reflected on my expression. "You look cold," she said. "I'll tell you about it inside." She dropped her arm to let me pass.

  Our footsteps echoed on the marble flooring as Lynx escorted me to the table. On the middle of it was a teacup, its content already halfway consumed. I wanted to tell her everything that went on for the last two hours we were apart, wanted desperately to confide in her. But the thing is I didn't know if it was appropriate to say. This was different from my previous relationships. It had been easier to say what was on my mind with men because I was faking it. With this woman, I knew we could take it far, thus I didn't know what manner I should conduct myself to avoid turning her off. Maybe I was too late. I've been doing the offing and turning from the start.

  "Excuse me for the mess," she said, making a beeline to the fireplace. Papers were carelessly bunched together on the floor next to the hearth. Lynx was quick to collect them when I made my way to her.

  "Were you going to burn them?" I asked curiously.

  She barely looked up. "How'd you guess?"

  "You wouldn't leave them near the fire if they were important." There was also order in which she did things. Her bedroom was always clean and kept in place. Her home was well-dusted and wiped. The rooms smelled good like her. She didn't do something without a reason. Lynx was like that. I've come to know her better as we spent time together. She'd only trade her time for things that would make progress, things that mattered. That was how I knew that she wouldn't just leave the papers in disarray, no matter how busy she got or who was at the door.

  "Put them down," I urged. "I want to hear about the trees." I didn't earlier, but I've somehow caught interest. Lynx pressed the papers against her chest, and I gave her a small smile. "It's not like they're going anywhere."

  She looked lost for a moment, a kid who didn't know what to do. "You're right." She sighed. Lynx placed the papers precariously on the surface above the fireplace and made for the table. "Tea?" she offered over her shoulder.

  "No, thank you."

  "Alright, come here." We pulled two chairs beside each other and huddled together. A while ago when she was deciding what to do with the papers, she smelled damp and musty like she'd been caught in rain shower. Now, next to me, I could only trace sunlight on her scent, as if the clouds have parted for her. It was divine and comfortable. I could never get enough of it.

  With the fireplace behind us and most of the lights turned off, I couldn't see her eyes as clearly as I wanted. It was in such manner that she told me about the trees. "One was planted when my grandmother was born, and the other was planted when I was baby," she said.

  "But one is rotting, and the other is in full bloom. Does it signify that it's time for the new to replace the old because your grandmother's tree is almost dead? No offense," I followed-up. See what I meant about turning her off? Jesus.

  "None taken," she assured. "Do you remember what you told me when you first saw the trees? You said the rotting one, my grandma's, was more beautiful than mine. What do you think is the reason?"

  "I guess because it's old," I said. "It might have seen its better years, but it still lived longer than yours. It has proven itself."

  "True," she admitted. "Just like grandma. She's old and wise. But me? I've barely left my mark. I have so much to prove to myself, especially to my parents. As long as I haven't made an impact, they'll see me as a failure."

  I leaned away. "That's harsh for a parent to do," I said.

  She stretched her hand to the teacup on the table. Lynx didn't drink, but used the spoon to stir the liquid. "Society is inherently harsh," she said. "Some majority to minority, some parents to their kids, some people to themselves." She got tired of playing with the cup and left it alone. "But that's not the reason you're here, is it? It's late. You told me once that you didn't want to spend the night because of certain boundaries. Why did you really come here, Scotland?" Did she really have to know? Wasn't it enough that I was here?

  "Do you love me?" I said. I didn't know why I asked. It just seemed like the perfect moment.

  The light of the fire caught her eyes when she turned sideways to glance at me. It was no longer dark but kindled and bright. An ocean of flames. "Let's put it this way," she said. "I'd plant another tree next to mine if you want our children in the future. And I'll love them more than my parents loved me, but not as much as I love you."

  Butterflies swarmed and fluttered on my stomach. She didn't know the effect she had on me. With words as enchanting as that, and her eyes full of sincerity, my whole being craved for her, like a blank canvass in need of a paint. So many times have I wished for this moment. So many instances I fought against my own instincts. I finally caved in. "If you really love me, then be gentle," I whispered. The cloth was sensitive against my skin as I pulled the shirt over my head. It wasn't so much as loneliness that made me do it, or validation, or a need to be happy over my circumstances, but the desire to feel her.

  She didn't move from the chair, her hands folded rigidly on her lap. "Are you sure?" she asked huskily. It must have taken such incredible control for her to just sit there doing nothing while I was in my lingerie. To just gaze at me with her cloudy eyes and be content on licking her lips. But I wouldn't be satisfied with that. I was a very, very horny girl.

  I unhooked my bra and smiled. "There's nothing more I'd like to do."

  A shiver run down my spine when she laid me on the marble floor. It was colder than it looked, like blocks of ice on my back. "We can do it in the bedroom," she said, her brows creasing in concern.

  "I can't wait that long," I said. We'd be wrapped in flames real soon. The cold would leave on its own.

  Lynx didn't speak when she took the rest of our clothes off, neither did she say anything when we appraised each other naked. I was too busy exploring her territory with my eyes to complain. She was beautiful in silhouette as any woman's body went, but none of them could make me this hungry, nor salivate as much. Just the thought of being with her tonight, imagining her spread beneath me, released the aggression I've been trying to cage. I grabbed the back of her head, arched myself to her, and pulled her to me. "I changed my mind about being gentle," I purred. "Do it until I beg you to stop. Let's see who'll last longer."

  Her eyes burned with desire. "You really should stop challenging me." Her mouth was full and soft when it she pressed them to my lips. This was different from all those times she'd kiss me. There was more than hunger, need, and longing in them. There was also an ache. It's as if the very thought of stopping this was painful for her. I guided her hand to my breast to tell her that we were fine, we were here, and nothing would separate us.

  Her fingers went into action. I struggled to regulate my breathing as she teased and taunted, kneaded and pulled. With the sensations going directly between my legs, a pooling wetness I've never felt before, I
knew that I was more than ready to receive her. Lynx's eyes were unrecognizable as she broke our kiss. "More?" she said, lowering her head to my chest. Her breath was warm. Imagine what she could do if she lowered them still.

  I grasped her hair and tugged. "More," I demanded.

  Her hand inched to my forbidden spot, slowly, softly, taking her sweet time. She licked her lips and give me a look of amazement. "You're so hot down there," she murmured. "Is this your first time?"

  I opened myself to her. "Why don't you find out?"

  She smiled mischievously. "I will." Lynx steadied my legs.

  I was right about the cold. It was gone as she thrust inside me in one fluid motion. It was absent when she timed her strokes so I was convulsing underneath her, or as her speed increased and her tongue glided on my ear, curling like it had a mind of its own. Her breath was hot and ragged on my skin. I couldn't think of anything apart from the wet, slick, pulsating drive that teetered me to insanity.

  I wasn't lonely or doubtful anymore. In her love I found myself. In my toe-curling moans that followed was how I told her that she'd won me in every way possible. I rewarded her by turning into a feral animal and fucking her like one until our legs gave way, our eyes were heavy, and we lost consciousness. I promised a no-hold barred book, didn't I? Read between the lines.

  The fire had died at dawn, and I woke up shuddering to the cold. For a second, I had the urge to panic as I felt a heavy arm on my chest, together with a steady breathing on my left ear. The jitters subsided when I saw that it was Lynx, sleeping peacefully under our clothes and the blankets she insisted on grabbing for us before we had our second round. I ran my hand on her hair, feeling nothing but love for this marvelous girl. She smelled of sweat and something else from our adventures. It was my intent to renew them when she awoke.