To Be a Lesbian

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To Be a Lesbian Page 31

by Yuriko Hime


  I stepped out of his reach. "There's no need for that," I said. "We won't be reversing anything."

  Surprise flitted on his face. "Why?"

  I shrugged. "This is probably for the best. Lynx is a distraction. Imagine what I can do without that?"

  "Imagine what you can do with it," he said, combing his hair with his fingers. The strands were beginning to darken because summer was almost over. And that was it. Lynx and I had been nothing but a summer affair. Years from now I'd remember it fondly with the hot breeze and the smell of daisies on the fields. By that time, I'd be on the Andes or the Jungle, conquering new worlds. "Listen," Casper said. "I haven't been formally introduced to Lynx, but from the stories I've heard from Lulu, I think she's a good person. You match each other perfectly, both brilliant and charming."

  "And a girl," I said. "I'll kill the family line if we continue our relationship."

  "No you won't," he reasoned. "The family line will live through me and the children you'll have after IVF or adoption."

  I shook my head. "It's final, Caspie. I just want to get it over with and start college." I sounded as tired as I felt. Maybe I needed to sit.

  He seemed upset, more upset than me. I didn't think my relationship would affect my brother this much, but looking back, wasn't I affected by his relationship with Lulu too? "I can't believe you're giving up on the only person you've come across in your entire life who was able to challenge, bewilder, and make you feel that you were human after all," he said.

  "I can't believe she's forgotten me," I retorted flatly. "I've been through this the whole night. It's the reality. If her feelings were genuine, voodoo should never have stood a chance. She would still want me. She wouldn't think Julia's her girlfriend."

  "You're just saying that because you're mad and lost. Welcome to humanity, Scotland. The rest of us feel this shit too." Someone knocked on the door, stopping him from his rant. Perfect timing too. I wasn't in the mood for one of his tirades. "I'll get it," he said. I didn't see the beam on his face when he opened the door, but I heard him say this, "Ah, welcome Lynx." My heart jumped to my throat. What the heck was she doing here? Didn't I had enough of her? Casper put a hand on her shoulder and guided her to me. "We thought you should be given a chance to talk again before you stick to your decision."

  Lynx's eyes wandered the living room. She looked as reserved as she did in the Midnight Cafe, nonchalant and indifferent. A stranger. The earlier resolve I had melted. She was messing things for me. "He told me that he's your brother," Lynx said, rubbing her neck. "I don't know what's going on, but I came here to make up for last night."

  "I'll leave you two alone," Casper mumbled. He darted to the stairs.

  I waited for him to disappear before taking a deep breath and bracing myself to stare at her. The dagger on my chest twisted. "We have nothing to talk about," I said. "I'm a stranger. You're not the type of person to concern yourself with that."

  A small v formed on her forehead. "That's what I don't get," she murmured, taking a slow, agonizing step to me. "You seem to know me, while I don't have any idea about you. But. . ." She stopped inches from where I stood. "I can't take you off my mind. I don't understand it." She reached for my face, and I stood there helplessly, letting her. I missed her so much. Her teasing, her gentleness, the whole package. My body quivered.

  "You're my punishment, aren't you?" I blinked the tears away.

  She looked gutted as she wiped the side of my eyes. "I wish I know what you're talking about," she said. "Or why my heart is beating fast when I look at you. Is it possible to fall for someone at first sight?" Her lips had gotten nearer. The lips that took my breath away, spoke my name with reverence, and whispered silly things on my ears. The same lips that lied to me, told me she didn't love me, and said she was with Julia.

  I put a hand on her chest and pushed her away. "Leave, or I call the police," I said. She blanched.

  There were hurried footsteps on the stairs, Casper rushed back to the living room. The color drained from my face. Was he listening to us?! He took Lynx's side. "We're giving you the option to be happy," he said.

  I gave him a look of disgust. "I can't even trust my own brother anymore."

  His cheeks colored. "You don't know when to give up your pride for something you'll benefit from, do you? You'll regret this." He turned to Lynx. "Come on. Let Scotland's own pride eat her."

  Since when did I last get drunk? How about never? Tipsy, yes. Puking on the floor and in need of someone to drag my arse back to the house, no. When I thought about it, I realized the pointlessness of going to a pub to drown my sorrows with beer, but I went anyway. On the bar I spotted two guys who were clean shaven, muscular, money in their fat wallets probably. I could ask them to take me to a hotel, flirt a little, then do the deed. If I couldn't erase her kisses, then maybe I could replace them with better ones.

  "One more," I said to the mustached bartender. I was on my fifth bottle and didn't feel the least bit drunk.

  "I think you've had enough," he said. "Is there a friend you can call to take you home?"

  I raised my beer for a toast. "I don't have a friend, or a home. That all disappeared when my ex lied to me about important stuff, and then when my brother and best friend voodooed the hell out of her, if that's a term, so she can forget about me. Now they want me to make amends, reverse the spell, and forget that anything happened so I could get back with my ex. Does that make sense? I mean why in the world would you voodoo people? Tell me, mister."

  He shook his head. "You don't look drunk, but you sound like one."

  "I'm telling the truth," I whined, setting the bottle down since he wasn't up for a toast.

  "So are half the people here who thinks they've been to outer space and back," he said. "Alcohol does things to you. It's time you go home, or I might have to call the reinforcements." He pointed his towel to the bouncers at the edge of the room, the brute guys waiting for a fight to break out.

  I thumped my fist on the bar. "Do you know who I am?" I said. He tilted his head, not a care in the world. I let go of the bottle, sighing. Look at me picking fights with the bartender. Despicable. I dropped a bill and stood. "I wish I was drunk."

  My walk was straight. My head wasn't fuzzy. Everything was clear as if I didn't drink anything. It gave me more reason to believe that I was crazy because I chose to go to the Midnight Cafe after the bar. There was nothing but hurt there. I went anyway.

  I didn't go in immediately. I was too prideful to do that. Instead I crouched outside, hidden in the shadows, peeking at the glass windows for signs of trouble or Lynx. The guests were busy tonight, from what I could see. They were concentrated on the counter, chairs turned, head in that direction. My jaw hit the floor when I saw what they've been staring at. Lulu and Casper were there with Lynx, speaking to the guests. Should I turn back and pretend I didn't see anything? As if. I squinted my eyes to see better.

  "Scotland still refuses to cooperate," Casper said. "She's too hard-headed."

  "Do you think it will work?" Lulu said. Her words were a little harder to decipher compared to his.

  "She'll come around," Casper assured. "She'll forgive Lynx, then ask us to reverse the bogus voodoo." Both Casper and Lulu turned to my ex.

  Lynx was covering her face until that point. She dropped her hand to her side and exhaled visibly. I didn't really notice last night or this morning because I've been too caught up in the pain. Under the light, the hollow circles around her eyes and the jutting of her cheekbones were more prominent. She looked like she'd lost weight. I clutched my chest at the sight but forced myself to concentrate on her lips. "I don't think I can pretend anymore," she said. "I can't bear to see Scotland so miserable. It hurts me too."

  Granny who was on her left ruffled her hair. "We all care for her," the old woman said. "Eventually, when the time is right, we'll tell Scotland about this and she'll realize that we did it for her. It's the only way to break through that stubborn shell. My daughter was the same wa
y." Her too?

  I crouched lower on the bushes, breathing hard, thoughts interloping. They've tricked me, each and every one of them. Lynx has never forgotten me. There was never a voodoo. Magic didn't work. It was a ruse. My face contorted. Oh it was on.

  Chapter 37

  Fooled by my own family and friends. What could be more humiliating? I'd understand if it was Lynx. I was just adding this slip to the long list of her treacherous acts. But Lulu and Casper? Unforgiveable. Granny turned my way just when I was under the glare of the streetlight, about to slip away. I've become careless in my haste. Everyone in the cafe glanced at me after she pointed. The jig was up. Lynx, Casper, and Lulu ran out to me.

  It was Lynx who first talked. I was expecting it between the three of them. "What are you doing here?" she asked. "Have you changed your mind from this morning?" At the reminder, her eyes became hooded, her lips pursed, and her shoulders stiffened. We weren't suppose to know each other, right? She was back to her pretenses. Unbelievable.

  I cocked my brows to Casper. "Tell her," I said.

  Uncertainty lined his features before his chest heaved down. "Scotland's a lip reader," he said. "She probably knows everything. We should have been more careful." I sneered at him. What was he going to do about it? He moved forward, raising his hand. "We had a reason for doing it. You were stubborn. You couldn't see what's good for you."

  I nudged my head to Lynx. "And you think she is? That woman told me lies for her own benefit. She had a chance to come out with the truth, but she was going to let us live the rest of our lives like nothing happened." I felt like choking, withering, burying myself underground. Take a deep breath, Scotland. Now swallow the lump on your throat and be strong. I squinted at them through blurry eyes, tasting acid at the back of my mouth. "You can't cover lies with more lies," I said. "I'm going home to pack what little things I have left to get as far away from all of you as possible. Don't follow me."

  Casper seized my arm. The firmness of his grip restrained me. "Don't act like you're the only innocent here," he said, eyes flashing. "You've had your share of callousness. Don't be mad because someone played your own game." Lulu gasped and covered her mouth. Casper had never said something so selfish.

  I smiled sadly at him. "I'm not claiming to be a saint," I said. "My mistakes are there for the world to see. But no matter how many they are, I've never, ever messed with your heart. There are some things you can't play with, Casper, and you sacrificed mine to get even. I can't forgive that." He released me from his grasp voluntarily. We wouldn't be fighting after this. I doubted if we'd even get in touch.

  Lynx stumbled past him. "I'm sorry," she said tearfully. "Don't be mad at them. It's my fault. Mine." I didn't like seeing her like this, pathetic and weak. The Lynx I knew had been proud, if not prouder than me. It delayed me from leaving. How easy it would be to forget and start over, to forgive and run away with her. But I wasn't an easy girl, and my memory was sharp. I'd remember everything.

  "Don't follow me home," I repeated to them. "You've done enough."

  Back in my room, I swept the hangers to the floor so I could put the duffel bag on the bed. I didn't bother putting music on. A sad song would remind me of her, while a happy one would be a mood killer. My bags weren't as full as I thought. Most of my things were already placed on the dorm in preparation for college. But it didn't matter, did it? I could buy new clothes, toiletries, and gadgets on a whim. The advantages of having ridiculously rich parents.

  For my last task, I took the laptop from the table and put it in the bag before zipping it close. The room was now empty, save for the bed, other furniture's, and small things I could afford to leave behind. Getting the duffel and backpack, I shuffled towards the door, desperate for a different life.

  The living room wasn't entirely unoccupied when I made it down. A man was standing there, rotating when he heard me. "I don't recall inviting you," I said, gripping the bags tighter. He looked out of place here with his orange overalls and shaggy beard. I came to a realization. "They've sent you to bargain with me." He was brutish and large. He could be a friend of Lynx or Casper. The man took quick, long strides to me, and took the bags away. "What are you doing?" I protested. "I've told them I made up my mind. The answer is still no."

  My things thudded as they dropped on the floor. The man took a rope from his shoulder, which I only noticed after he uncoiled them in front of me. I knew how Lulu felt about this kind of arrangement. I couldn't believe that she'd let Casper and Lynx convince her into it. They were sinking themselves lower into the mud pit by doing this.

  Another thought bloomed in my head. Wouldn't it be a good opportunity on my part though? It gave me more excuses to blame them when I begged daddy to relocate me somewhere that my brother and the rest of them couldn't follow. I offered my hands to the man. "Go on, tie me. I know what you're up to. How much did they pay you for this? A thousand? I'll double it if you manage to scare me while waiting for them, but you have to try really, really hard."

  The rope was rough as he looped it round my arms. It bit on my skin, tightened with a fancy knot that would have made sense if I paid more attention to the captain while we were sailing on sea in one of our travels. "Move." He pointed to the stairs behind me. His voice was gravelly and deep. It complemented his big frame.

  "Glad to know that you're putting me back in my room. I didn't even miss the place," I said as I climbed. On the second floor, he kicked my door open and directed me to the locked windows. "Okay, okay."

  His reflection on the mirror was grave. "I'll need a sharp knife," he said gruffly.

  I sat down and settled my head on the wall when he left. What did they expect me to do, cower and run? Did they think I was a scaredy-cat who they could intimidate to do what they wanted? I glowered. Or was this exactly how they thought I'd react? Whatever it was, their opinions didn't matter, only the consequences of their actions. Casper would be in big trouble with daddy. I'd make sure of it. As for the two girls, severing communication with them was punishment enough.

  After a while, I detected a subtle sound coming from downstairs. I pressed my lips together to quiet my breaths. At first there was nothing, but after a few seconds, I heard it again. Steel scraping against steel. That could be the man's personal joke of a playlist, or it was him sharpening the knife he was boasting about. Good for him, then. At least one of us was happy.

  The cellphone in my pocket vibrated, tickling my leg. It didn't stop after one round. The phone continued vibrating until I was forced to wiggle and get it. It was easy enough to swipe the screen and put them on speaker. "Scottie," Lulu said in relief. "I'm glad you answered."

  "I'm giving you ten seconds to speak." I never used to be such a bitch to her. Then again, she never took sides with anyone. It was a first for us both.

  "Don't do this," she begged. "We love you, please believe me. We're willing to do everything to settle this issue. Just forgive us."

  "I'd love to," I said without much enthusiasm, "if I wasn't tied like a pig for slaughter. That's what I don't understand. How can you agree to hire someone to terrorize your best friend just to prove a point? I thought you're better than them, Lu?"

  "Huh? I'm sorry but you're not making sense," she said.

  "Neither are you. I specifically instructed you not to follow, yet there's your guy, going inside our house like he's a freaking VIP. Well guess what? I'm not scared. He can sharpen his knife all he wants and threaten to slit my throat, but I'm not going back to you."

  A beep sounded, followed by dead air. Oh goodie, she put me on hold. I rolled my eyes. "Scotland, listen to me," Lulu said. And she was back. Hallelujah. "None of us sent a man there." I gave a bitter laugh. After all they've put me through, she still thought they could fool me? I wasn't born yesterday for Christ sakes. "This is not a joke," she said. "Call the police and—"

  The rest of her sentence was cut off when the man wrung the phone from my hand and threw it to the wall. It bounced on the surface and stopped near m
y feet. "The hell?" I said incredulously.

  He brandished a knife. It gleamed under the light, sharp and dangerous. He was good. Like really good. But unfortunately my hands were beginning to ache, and I didn't appreciate how he broke my phone. How many times have I changed it these past months?

  "It's time for your last words," the man said. Last words? What last words?

  Oh. Of course. We were role-playing. "If I tell you some stuff, will you drop the act and give a message to my ex?" I took a deep breath. Here goes. "I think a gluten free diet is a lie." He scowled. "Yeah, I know. Everyone's promoting it, even my mother. But gluten is everywhere. You can't expect me to drop cupcakes and pizza can you? I eat salad most of the time, but I also like to indulge. A bit of balance is what we need in this world."

  His neck vein bulged. "Shut your fucking mouth!" he shouted, showering spit on my hair.

  The strong invisible elastic band that has been holding me back snapped. Nobody. Nobody could spit on me. "What's your problem?!" I yelled. "What do you want me to say? I've cried myself to sleep a lot of nights. Happy? Do you want me to forgive them? For God's sakes they made me believe everyone has forgotten about me." My lungs burst, and my legs shook, but that was probably because it felt so good to say it in the open. To scream it without anyone reasoning back. "My only mistake was denying what I was for so long because I was scared that I wasn't who I pretended to be. Shoot me!"

  I was still breathing hard when he retreated, arms swinging, knife glinting, to the hallway, then down the stairs. I bumped my head on the wall a couple times. All I've been doing since meeting Lynx was to play her games. Which part of it was real to her? Why were they torturing me like this?

  It was like she'd heard me call her name because the next time I looked, Lynx was standing not far from me. It wasn't only her. Lulu was there too. Both of them were wary and tense, frightened at something.

 

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