To Be a Lesbian

by Yuriko Hime

  "We've alerted the police," Lulu whispered. "But we need to get out of here. Casper was going to tackle the guy while we sneaked up. We don't know what will happen." She was concentrated on me. She was also nearest to the door. That must be why it was so easy for the man to reappear, grab her on the neck like a stuffed toy, and slam her to the wall. Her eyes were closed by the time she hit the floor.

  Confusion overtook me by the time Lynx had pulled me to my feet. What just happened? Lulu. . . She was just. . . Lynx grasped my shoulder so I'd be forced to look at her. "Listen to me," she said. "This is real life. I haven't seen this man before." I could see the sweat forming on her grey shirt, smell the fear in her. The predator was scared, and all I felt was numbness. There was no way this was true. "I won't ever lie to you again, Scotland, I promise." Her trembling hand found mine. For a while, all I could concentrate on was our fingers weaving together. Then reality hit me.

  "Lulu," I croaked. "Lulu."

  "I know, love. I know." She was torn. "But your safety comes first. Focus. When I tell you to go, you run, okay?" I managed to nod. Lynx's jaw set when she faced forward. "Go!"

  She dashed to the opposite direction with the quickness of a cheetah. Her goal was to confuse the man, to take his attention away from me. I would have followed her instructions. I would have done everything she said. But I stopped when I saw him take a gun from his belt, press the trigger, and shoot. The cracking sound left me deaf in an instant. I didn't hear Lynx drop to ground. My whole being was focused on one thing, and it wasn't the silent scream at the back of my throat. It was the red spreading on her shirt.

  Chapter 38

  The earth stopped spinning. I stood there shell-shocked, confused, hypnotized at the ooze of blood on Lynx's stomach. The room smelled of iron and copper. In that space of a second between suffocating and initial hysteria, I came to a realization. She was going to die. My Lynx, my soulmate, taken from me. My vision was streaked of red when I tore my eyes from her. My mouth had stopped salivating a while ago, but there was bloodlust as I pulled my lips back and bared my teeth. The man raised the gun to shoot me next.

  I kicked the broken cellphone to him by reflex, and like a rabbit caught in a trap, he aimed for it, missing me by a hairline. Running full speed, I reached him in seconds and was able to smack the gun out of his hands. It careened under the bed. My brain was on survival mode. Down the floor was where I had the biggest advantage. Size didn't matter when he was on his back. I tackled him head first to make that a reality. We both fell to the ground. I didn't waste time flinching or crying like a baby.

  With quick movements, his arm was stretched before me, both of us laying, staring at the ceiling. "Any last words before I tear you limb per limb?" I huffed.

  "How did you?!" He squirmed and wiggled, trying to overpower me. He wouldn't get away from me anytime soon. The full weight of my legs were on his chest, and his arms were secured on mine. The ropes he tied on my hands had worked in my favor. "I dare you," he goaded. "What can you do? You're nothing but a whore."

  My brain churned fast. It was a matter of time before I put two and two together. He was the one who left those awful messages on the wall and erased everything in my computer. He was more trouble than he was worth. "You shouldn't have done that," I said. What was it the monk taught me again? I pulled his arm hard, putting pressure on certain points. There was a popping sound, like crackers snapping in two, his bones giving way.

  His face contorted in pain. "No!" he shrieked, fighting, writhing. I didn't feel an ounce of pity for him. He deserved that. The man stilled under me, his breathing harsh, his eyes closed. I was pretty sure he'd lost consciousness.

  It was a miscalculation. The next thing I knew, he was jerking his head forward, digging his teeth in my leg. A sharp, searing pain spread on my flesh, like fire scalding me alive. The sensation was unbearable. I let go by mistake. Free from my grip, the man rolled away and stood. I swallowed the ache from the extra exertion and got to my feet as soon as possible too.

  He charged at me again. The wind was knocked out of my chest as we tumbled to the ground a second time.

  His first punch connected to my stomach. "We don't want to mark that pretty face," he said, watching me clam like a shell. It was awful, the worst. Laughter thundered from his chest. "Where's the toughness now, huh?" He spit on me.

  Unsatisfied, he grabbed my hair with his good arm and raised me to a sitting position. With his face near mine, I could see the yellow on his teeth, smell the foulness of his breath. "You'll burn in hell with the Sodomites," he said. "You nasty little lesbian lover." Was that why he wanted to kill me? Because he thought my research was a sin? It wasn't a study anymore. It was my life. "Any last words before I tear you limb per limb?"

  He shouldn't have used my words against me. I rammed my head to his, so hard that I thought my skull was going to crack in half. Casper did say that I was hard-headed, and I used this pun to get away and save myself.

  Blood trickled on my forehead as I regained footing. My vision swam with white dots. The playing field was even. We were both bloody, sweaty, and injured. "I should have asked my parents to hunt you from the start," I said, my voice garbled and almost unintelligible. If only I wasn't so keen on keeping it all to myself. This was my fault. If Casper and Lulu. . . If Lynx. . .

  "Scot. . .land," Lynx gasped from the corner. I shook away the need to vomit so I could stagger and kneel beside her. My fingers were shaking as I touched her face. She was blue, cold, and sweaty. I died inside, seeing her like that.

  "I'm here, baby," I whispered.

  She clawed at her chest. "It hurts." Her voice tore through my heart. She sounded like a broken windpipe. I pushed her hand away so she'd stop making more damages. What more could I do? I wasn't in the position to help her. "Save yourself," she wheezed. "I'm going to die."

  The man's dirty shoes creaked on the floor. "You're both going to die," he corrected. I traced the room for anything that could be used as a weapon against him. The rope has loosened on my hands, but I was too exhausted to defend myself barehanded. He sneered. "This is it for you. No more second—"

  The muscles on his jaw clenched. What was supposed to be a long victory speech was stunted by another sound. Sirens. Sirens blaring in the distance.

  "I guess that leaves you on a rut," I said. "You have nowhere to go."

  His lips spread, mocking me still. "They won't catch me," he said. "By the time they get here, I'll be long gone, your girlfriend will be dead, and you're left alone with no friends." He made a come here motion with his hand. "Let's settle this, you and I. Outside, in the alley." He took off and run to the stairs.

  There were moments in life when you had to decide which was more important; pride and ego, or people you loved. They've told me that I lacked modesty, and I did most things for self-gain. I've always proven that true. It would be fun to have revenge on the man, to validate myself once more as I rise to the challenge victorious.

  Not this time. Not with Lynx's life on the line.

  With what remaining strength I had, I took Lynx into my arms, even when my legs buckled under her weight, even when I was so exhausted I just wanted to sleep. "Hold on," I said, inching to the stairs. "Don't give up on me." Her eyelids were closed. She was too pale and unresponsive. I chewed on my lips till they were chapped and bruised. We shouldn't give up. Just a step or two more.

  Two officers emerged on the front door when I made it down. Their guns were pointed at us. "Freeze!" one of them said.

  They were her lifeline. They'd be the only ones to save her. The last of my ego disintegrated. "Help her!" I sobbed. "Help her. Please, I can't lose this woman."

  Three Weeks Later

  How would you mend the broken fragments of a shattered mirror? How did you begin to end a book? For me, life has been mostly vanity, a reflection of my high self-regard and delusions, until one day I saw me for what I really was. But it was too late. The mirror was broken, and here we were on the last pages of thi
s book.

  Maybe the most suitable answer to my first question was 'you shouldn't try to fix the mirror.' Instead, aim to be a better person so you'd be confident of how you'd look, with or without it. As for the second question. You knew that this day would come. I would like to end the book by allowing you to say goodbye to everyone, starting with Casper and Lulu. Both of them were in the living room sofa waiting for us.

  Casper smiled cheekily as Lulu brought a spoon to his mouth. She promised to assist in feeding him until his cast came off. Having a broken arm was his fault. If he wasn't such a big pacifist and insisted on reasoning to the man instead of tackling him straight out, he wouldn't have been in such a condition. That was Casper for you. He was more kind-hearted than me. "Your things packed?" he said to me after swallowing. "We're leaving early tomorrow morning."

  "There wasn't much to take," I said. "Are you sure you're not coming to the party with me?"

  "Nah," both of them said.

  "We'd like some alone time before we go on the road trip," Lulu supplied. "We're going to see your face for months. Might as well treasure this with my boyfriend." She looked smug as she put the spoon down and snaked her arms around him.

  I took my keys from the center table. "If you say so," I mumbled.

  "This would be good for you," Casper assured. "I'm all for education, but it wouldn't hurt to skip a year and go sightseeing." He glanced at his arm and frowned. "We're not coming back anytime soon. Make sure you wrap things here so you can move on with your life. It's hard to leave loose ends, especially after what happened."

  "That's why I'm attending the party in the first place." I twisted to the door, then glanced at them hesitantly over my shoulder. "By the way, any news?"

  I couldn't paint the expression on Casper's face. He shifted uncomfortably on his seat. "The man will rot in jail for killing an innocent person," he said, avoiding my eyes. "You better go to the party, Scottie. Come back soon as it's finished. I mean it." Of course he did. When did he not feel anxious about me? His protective brother mode increased tenfold after the recent incident, though I could understand. I myself would wake up breaking a cold sweat at night.

  "Enjoy yourself," Lulu said, looking more worried than encouraging.

  "I'll try," I murmured.

  The Midnight Cafe was filled with the sound of ongoing conversations when I went through its front doors. It was more packed than usual, lively, with a bunch of balloons floating on the ceiling. There was also a 'Good luck on your next adventure. We will miss you, Scotland,' banner. I was overwhelmed that they did this for me. The people here have become family. I couldn't enumerate the names one by one, but each of them imparted a valuable lesson to me, and to you too, reader. I hope.

  Nicky, Joe, and Erika (Pudgy), waved at me from their table. There was a flurry of hi, hello's when I reached them. "I can't believe it's been months since you asked me to be a subject for your book," Joe said, pulling an empty chair to accommodate me.

  "And now she's going backpacking around the globe," Nicky said. She lifted her coffee. "Let's make a toast." Since I didn't have one of my own yet, I just bumped my fist on their cups.

  "Here's to Lynx too," Erika followed in almost a whisper. They sipped their coffee gravely while I turned away. The silence continued for a while.

  Joe cleared her throat. "So, uhh, is the book finished?"

  I shook my head. "The book, almost. The study, no. I want to do it worldwide next to make the findings more accurate. I'll put everything on the website as I go." The website that I was able to gain back, thanks to someone I hired. "It will be like I'm right here beside you," I said.

  "I doubt that," Nicky rebuffed. "Having you here will not be the same as chatting to you online. You're scarier in person." She hugged herself and shivered. "By the way, granny asked us to tell you to go there when you're ready." I glanced at the place she gestured to. A door behind the counter was marked 'for employees only.'

  "Might as well talk to her now." I stood and nodded. "See you in a while." The two other staff saw me go around the counter but didn't stop me. Taking the recorder from my pocket, I entered the small room and saw that granny was already there, sitting behind a table. "Thank you for making time for this interview," I said. After urging her for days, she finally consented. I might not be as cocky as I used to be, but I was still persistent.

  She crossed her arms and smiled. "You're just like my daughter. Both you and Lynx. I hope you live for a long time, young un."

  "Of course I would," I said. "I'm not dying until I contributed to society." I placed the device on the middle of the table and pushed the record button before sitting. It might be the last time I did it in this place. The nostalgia was making me melancholic.

  Regardless of how I felt, I started the interview. "In my research, I've tried to tackle the why's, the how's, and the what if's. What did it mean to be a lesbian? Was it the baggy clothes? Was it the manner of speaking? Are we defined by anything other than the people we love? And if so, is it a choice, an environmental factor, or a tweak in the genes?" I concentrated on granny. "I've met people who grew up in an environment where there were no gays, but still became lesbian. I've researched supporting data when it comes to genes. Now the question is, do we have a choice? I think you have the answer to that." It was a gut feel.

  The chair creaked as she stood, stooped and poker-faced. The harsh light in the room bore on the lines of her face, making her look older. Granny went to a corkboard on the wall and took a picture, which she then placed in front of me. The photo was of a woman. She was smiling at the camera, sunlight on her face, no troubles whatsoever. "My daughter," granny said. "She died just when I was establishing this place."

  I gaped at her. "What happened?"

  Granny hobbled to her seat. "Everyone who lived here long enough knew about her. My daughter was out before being lesbian was considered cool by people who just want to market the concept. She was coming home from school that night. It happened so quick, nobody saw it coming." She looked at the picture longingly. "I mourned my loss, cried for ages. Then I decided to create an environment where everyone like her would feel safe, even for just a night. That's where the concept of the cafe came from. By day, it operates normally. At night, it's a party for my daughter."

  I paused, scrutinized her reaction. "I hate to ask it at this time," I said. "Can you say that she didn't have a choice with being lesbian?"

  Sadness clouded granny's features. I knew what she was going to say before she said it. "If she had a choice my daughter would be alive today, and you'd be talking to her instead of me."

  After the interview and saying goodbye to everyone, I left the cafe in haste. I never did like goodbye's, and prolonging the suffering period was never my style. Aside from that, my heart might have been heavy, but my head was full of knowledge from the lessons imparted to me by my friends. I'd be taking them with my journey. There was only one more stop before I leave this all behind.

  Lynx's house was cold and silent. No fire was crackling on the pit, no tea on the table, and dust was on the floor. Every furniture I passed was covered with white sheet- the tables and chairs, the statues and sculptures. The paintings were taken down from the walls. It had the air of abandonment on it.

  I continued up the stairs as I've done for weeks, haunting the place like a ghost. Her bedroom down the hall was empty. The silk covers that she loved were removed from the mattress. The curtains near the balcony were stripped. Still, I went to the topmost floor where I could see everything. Glancing out the window from there always made me feel that I was on a lighthouse looking out to the sea. I would miss this place dearly.

  The window suddenly banged on the wall, startling me enough to gasp. I sucked in a deep breath. I've neglect to latch the hook last night. I hurriedly went to close it.

  "Thanks," Lynx said from the corner. "I was freezing." I swiveled to her with a smile. Her fingers were covered in clay, muddy, and I knew she was working on a new piece of art.
She regarded me while tapping the chisel to her chin. "Was the party any good?" she asked.

  "The best," I said. "They were trying hard not to look sad because of you." I moved to her and sat on her lap where I belonged, wrapping my arms around her waist. They were right. Lynx was the only challenge for me. I nuzzled my nose on the hollow of her neck. "I hate to admit it, but you've outdone me on this one. When will you tell them?"

  She put the chisel down. "After we get back from the trip. It's an experiment. I'd like to know how my parents would react after I reveal that I'm still alive after some time. How they'd mourn my supposed passing, and if there would be a better treatment once I come back. Good thing grandmother promised to take care of the minor details to make this possible."

  I tweaked her earlobe playfully. "Yeah, but you didn't have to include your friends. That was mean."

  "It wouldn't be an effective experiment then," she scoffed. "Besides, I want to leave my responsibility for a while and see the world with you. I'm looking forward to spending every waking moment with my girl." She buried her face on tummy and moved her head side to side. She found the best spot to tickle me. I groaned and giggled. In moments like this, there were no winning, struggling, or proving myself. Everything was in perfect harmony.

  Having so much fun, I almost forgot to remind her. "We won't be alone on the trip, remember? Casper and Lulu would be there. They're excited to have you aboard."

  "I'm contented as long as they don't sleep on the same bed as us." Her voice was muffled. "Your nights belong to me." She shifted for a better position and winced.

  I leaped to my feet to ease the weight. "Careful," I said worriedly. "Your wound hasn't fully healed."

  "Neither are yours, yet here you are." Blue green eyes met my grey. "Don't think for a second that my wounds will affect my performance. I can still hold it longer than you tonight, Scotland." The way my name rolled from her tongue was heavenly. I'd make sure she'd scream it with pleasure tonight.