Close to Home

by Rachel Spangler

  “And braver.” Elliot chuckled.

  Kelly didn’t want to think about all the moments she wasn’t as brave as she should’ve been. She didn’t want to relive all the times she’d compromised or taken the cowardly way out. She didn’t want to tell Elliot she knew for certain Elliot would do better because she knew what true cowardice looked like, felt like, cost to live with. Elliot would do better. She already had. She had more bravery in her little finger than Kelly had in her whole life.

  Then again, Kelly realized if she had been brave in the moments she most regretted, they probably wouldn’t be here together. Holding Elliot’s beautiful body against hers, she couldn’t help but wonder if her moment wasn’t still to come.

  “I’ll see you at the office later?” Elliot asked. She already knew the answer but continued to stall for fear that once they left the apartment the magic they’d captured over the last twelve hours would disappear.

  “Yes. I need to change and check in at the hospital, but then I’ll get to work.”

  “Okay. I have breakfast plans with Beth and Rory, then I’ll head over.”

  Kelly frowned as she slipped into her jacket.

  “Unless you need me to head right over.”

  “No,” she said quickly. “We don’t have appointments until ten o’clock. Go out and have a nice breakfast. We’ll be swamped today. You’ll need the fuel.”

  “Okay,” Elliot said.

  “It’s just …” Kelly said almost apologetically, “I’d rather Beth and Rory not know I spent the night here.”

  “Oh no.” Elliot took her hand. “I wouldn’t tell them. You can trust me.”

  “I know I can. And thank you, by the way. But I also know you’re close to them. I know you’re used to being out and I’m … well, I’m not.”

  “Right,” Elliot said, not quite sure where Kelly was going. “But it’s not that you’re gay, because Beth knows, and Rory knows too, then.”

  Kelly sighed. “Yes. Rory knows.”

  “And you’re clearly thrilled.”

  “I just … it’s complicated. And it’s no one’s business,” Kelly snapped, then seemed to catch herself. Her dark eyes softened as the woman she’d been last night warred with the woman she’d always been before. “It’s our business, so obviously I can’t forbid you from telling Rory, or anyone else for that matter.”

  “And that’s scary for you,” Elliot said, the realization fully sinking in. “I have the power to set the rumor mill spinning again.”

  Kelly nodded gravely. “You do. I suppose it would be the price I’d have to accept for a night of weakness.”

  Elliot winced. “Is that what you think? Last night was some sort of weakness? Like sleeping with me is evidence of a character flaw?”

  “No,” Kelly said quickly, “not because of you.”

  “What then?”

  “I lost control.” She laughed sharply then shook her head. “You have that effect on me. Do you understand? No one else on earth has ever shaken my sense of self the way you do. You’re not the only woman I’ve ever slept with, but you’re the only one who has ever inspired such complete abandon in me.”

  The ache in Elliot’s chest shifted to a more pleasurable kind of pressure. “I’m not sure it helps, but the feeling’s mutual.”

  “It helps a little. But you and I have very different views on what that means for us as people. You’re … what did you call it? Sex positive?”

  “Yes. I don’t think we should be ashamed of what happened between us.”

  “And maybe I don’t either. Maybe that’s part of the problem. I don’t feel an ounce of shame about anything we’ve done. I know it doesn’t sound like it, but I’m really not some self-hating gay. I know who I am, and I’m not ashamed.”

  “But?”

  “But if other people knew, if they judged this, if they turned it into a scandal, something to be whispered about or passed around town, it would make it feel dirty and shameful. I can’t take the thought of their condemnation of the only thing keeping me sane anymore.”

  Elliot exhaled slowly as the pieces fell together. Kelly couldn’t stomach the thought of people talking about them the same way they’d talked about her family, the same way they’d talked about her father. Her father, who was quite possibly lying on his deathbed. She couldn’t take one more thing she cared about being misconstrued and misrepresented.

  “Okay.” She sighed.

  “Okay?”

  “Yeah, what else is there to say?”

  “Now I worry I’ve given you your own share of regrets.”

  “No.” Her cheeks flushed as the memories of last night overtook her. “I have no regrets about anything we’ve done. It’ll just be a new adventure to learn how we move forward.”

  “Right,” Kelly said with a forced smile. “I don’t know about you, but for me, getting back into our work routine would be a good place to start on that whole moving forward business.”

  “I agree,” Elliot said enthusiastically, then kissed her quickly before opening the door. “I’ll see you at work.”

  “See you there,” Kelly said lightly, and then glanced quickly in each direction before walking away without looking back.

  Elliot needed to go too, or she’d be late for breakfast, but she closed the door anyway. She took a few deep breaths, mentally trying to calculate how long it would take Kelly to get into her car and drive away. She didn’t want to go through another awkward goodbye. Even more, she didn’t want to see her and have to pretend they just bumped into each other, or worse, not acknowledge each other at all. She didn’t want to think about all the things they’d have to ignore at the office.

  Would they speak about anything other than taxes? Would they touch casually or steal kisses in between meetings? Would Kelly purposefully push her away in front of other people? Or would she act like nothing had changed at all? Hell, had anything actually changed at all?

  She shook her head and swung open the door once more. She couldn’t sit here all morning second-guessing and wondering about which version of Kelly she’d find once she got to the office. They had a lot of work to do, and she intended to do it, but she couldn’t help feeling like the focus on work had less to do with moving forward and more to do with a convenient excuse to go backward.

  “So, when do you leave?” Kelly asked the following Thursday. Her voice sounded sharper than she’d intended, but the sight of Elliot’s suitcase next to her desk made her stomach ache.

  “My train leaves at one, so I’d probably better head out in a few minutes.”

  “And when do you get back?” She hoped she sounded business-like and not needy.

  “On the three o’clock train Saturday afternoon, as long as my flight from D.C. to St. Louis is on time,” Elliot said evenly. “I can come straight here when I get to town.”

  “I’m not sure you’d be much help that late in the day, after so much travel.”

  “Well, if you don’t want me here …”

  “Don’t be silly.” She waved off the hurt in Elliot’s voice. “I’m only thinking of the workload. It’s a bad time for you to take a weekend off. We’ve got less than a month to go.”

  “Which is why I offered to put in hours on Saturday night and Sunday.”

  “Right, I know you’ll get your internship hours in.”

  A little muscle in Elliot’s jaw twitched, but she refrained from making the obvious argument. Kelly knew Elliot had already filled her hours for the week. She’d likely worked overtime, though her time sheet would never reflect any extra hours. Elliot had arrived before her on Tuesday and stayed after she’d left on Wednesday. For all Kelly knew, Elliot might have put in more hours than she had. The implication was out of line, but Elliot wouldn’t say so. She rarely called Kelly out anymore. She’d learned to clench her teeth or smile through the awkwardness, which of course only made Kelly feel worse.

  She should’ve at least tried to start a personal conversation. She’d had her chance se
veral times over the last few days. They’d worked side by side, or at least close enough to hear each other breathe, every day since the morning she’d woken up in Elliot’s arms. They’d shared two meals, stolen a handful of tender touches, and even had a mini make-out session between appointments one evening, but she’d never given herself the emotional freedom to tell Elliot she would miss her. That she wished the best for her, but also wished she didn’t have to go. She’d barely even admitted to herself how much she dreaded two days without seeing Elliot. How could she tell Elliot she would miss her so much more than she should?

  Elliot had to go, and Kelly had to let her. She didn’t have to be happy about it. She couldn’t even think about the prospect of Elliot leaving forever. Her heart always gave a painfully dull thud at the prospect of saying goodbye, and she didn’t want to dwell on all the reasons she shouldn’t let herself feel that kind of emotional attachment. So she’d fallen back on the only recourse she had and buried them both in work.

  “I better get going.” Elliot sounded tired, or maybe resigned. She stood and pulled on a light-gray jacket, then turned to face Kelly. “Is there anything I can do to help you while I’m away?”

  The question was open-ended enough to encompass the personal as well as the business end of their relationship, but the latter option seemed cleaner, clearer, easier to process. “No, you can’t really scan or input data on the road. Just enjoy your time off.”

  Elliot’s jaw tightened again, but she nodded.

  She waited a few seconds more as if giving Kelly one last chance to connect, her eyes questioning, her facial expression expectant. Kelly could hardly stand the overwhelming feeling of futility, so she turned away and pretended to examine some forms on the corner of the desk.

  “Okay, I’ll see you in a couple days.” With that Elliot grabbed her carry-on suitcase and whisked it out the door.

  Kelly stood alone in the silence for several minutes, but the longer she did nothing, the tighter her chest felt. Regret, her old companion, had returned with a vengeance, only now it didn’t linger around the periphery. This sense of loss welled up faster than she’d grown used to and even infiltrated her sanctuary.

  She returned to her own office and pulled out a stack of papers. She didn’t pace or wander. She didn’t even want to glance around the space she’d always considered home. This was the one place she’d always felt safe, secure, content. Now she sighed and tried not to notice the quiet she’d craved not long ago. She had the office to herself with plenty to do and no one to interrupt her. She should’ve been happy, or at least productive. Instead, each deep breath brought the fading scent of Elliot’s coffee and cologne. Instead of peaceful, the quiet felt empty.

  The insidious cloud of remorse threatened to overtake her now. God, why hadn’t she kissed Elliot goodbye? Why hadn’t she told her good luck or asked her to call and let her know how the interview went? Such simple gestures. Why couldn’t she admit she cared? Because she cared too much? It didn’t much matter once Elliot had walked out the door. She’d missed her chance. She missed a lot of things already. What else would she miss by the time Elliot returned? More than the sex. Though, while alone, she could almost admit she had more need in that area than she’d previously thought. Still, she missed the intimacy more, and not just the physical kind. She missed Elliot’s wit and her sharp retorts, even though there hadn’t been as many of them lately. She missed the cups of coffee and the simple act of checking in with each other. She missed the comfort of having her right around the corner.

  Pretending none of those things were true did nothing to actually make them untrue. For the first time in her life, she wasn’t content with being alone.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Thank you Ms. Garza. We know you traveled quite a way to be here during a busy time.”

  “It’s been a pleasure speaking with you this morning.” Elliot rose and nodded to the hiring committee. “I’m bolstered by knowing a place like this exists with dedicated people like all of you at the helm.”

  “Would you mind waiting in the lobby for a few minutes while we make sure we don’t have any more questions for you?”

  “I’d be happy to.”

  “Someone will check in with you shortly.”

  Elliot let herself out of the large glass doors enclosing the conference room, then strode purposefully down the hallway to the waiting area. She tried not to fidget or gawk at her surroundings. The space wasn’t ornate, but the stone floors and walls accented with metal and glass elements spoke of power and efficiency. If the room was meant to inspire confidence, it achieved its goal. The three men and one woman she’d spoken with had functioned much the same way, not flashy or ostentatious, but carrying the kind of command that came from knowing themselves and their purpose. She hoped to be among them someday, but she couldn’t shake the little whisper that called her a fraud.

  The people who worked here knew everything about the American tax code. They had experience beyond small-town tax prep and simple volunteer work. These people held advanced degrees in economics and had been battle-tested in the halls of Congress. They wrote policy that changed the dialogue and represented the financial interests of the American people in the face of the most powerful multinational business corporations in the world. What made her think she belonged among them when she couldn’t even find the courage to kiss Kelly goodbye?

  She glanced at her watch. Almost two here in D.C., so not quite one in Darlington. What would Kelly be doing now? What would she say if Elliot called to check in? Would she ask about the interview? Would she admit to missing her, or would Elliot have to listen for the sighs of wistfulness or pauses hanging heavy with the unspoken? She’d come to crave those little signs of something more, but she feared they only promoted wishful thinking on her part. Did Kelly really hide her deeper feelings, or did she simply not have them?

  She sank onto a rich-brown leather couch and stared up at the vaulted ceiling. Why was she thinking about Kelly? She’d just had the biggest interview of her life, and she’d done as well as anyone could’ve hoped for. She’d talked to the committee for well over the thirty minutes she’d been allotted, and they’d asked her to stay, which had to be a promising sign. If she hadn’t at least sparked some interest, surely they would’ve been content to inform her via e-mail or phone at a later time. Kelly had been right. Syd got her in the door, but she’d kept herself in the conversation. Kelly, again. Why did everything come back to her, even here?

  “Elliot?”

  She jumped up to see one of the committee members approaching. Helen Hartwell. She quickly scanned her memories for any tidbit of information about her. Ivy league education, former CFO of an investment company, mid-forties, unattached, youngest woman on the board of the Institute, and a Chicago native.

  “Hello, Ms. Hartwell.”

  “Please, call me Helen.”

  “Thank you, Helen. What can I do for you?”

  “Nothing, officially. The interview is over.”

  Her heart sank a little. She didn’t want this to be over.

  “But I’m on lunch break and I wondered if you’d like a little tour of the area.”

  “I’d love one.”

  Helen’s smile was bright and genuine. “Come on, then. We Midwesterners must stick together.”

  Elliot nodded and tried not to think of any of the Midwesterners she’d left behind. “How long have you been in D.C.?”

  “Eight— no, ten years now. Time flies. I know people say that everywhere, but it honestly does feel as though life moves faster here.”

  “I’m sure the work keeps you busy.”

  “You have a gift for understatement.”

  Elliot laughed. “You may be the first person who’s ever thought that about me. I generally get pegged as overly passionate.”

  “I’m sure you do in central Illinois, but as Dorothy said, you’re not in Kansas anymore.” Helen pointed them north, and they strode in a leisurely way along Massachus
etts Avenue toward DuPont circle. “Here you’d be among a lot more like-minded individuals.”

  She didn’t say she’d been around like-minded individuals her whole life. “Here I’d be around people with the power to put those shared ideas into actual public policy.”

  “Nicely played,” Helen said, “and very true. The work we do isn’t as flashy as the grandstanding on Capitol Hill, but I think you recognize that. We’re not people who play on election cycles. We make long-term investments.”

  “That’s what I’m interested in. The work of a lifetime.”

  Helen gave her a sideways glance. “I believe you.”

  “You sound surprised.”

  “When we got your résumé forwarded to us, I wasn’t amused by someone going around the established channels. I’m sort of a stickler for procedure.”

  Elliot sighed. “That contact was made without my knowledge.”

  “And how do you feel about that?”

  “Honestly, it embarrassed me pretty badly at first, but I also under-stand how business works. The old boys’ network runs this town, and I’m a firm believer that women need to support each other as much as men do, if not more.”

  “Valid points.”

  “I only hoped my connections would cease to be material once I got into the interview. I believe women deserve equal opportunity, not special accommodations. If I get the job, and I understand that’s a big if, I’d need to know I’d earned the shot on my merits. If I felt otherwise, I’m not sure I’d be effective in the position.”

  “Did you just tell me that if I’d planned to offer you a job because of who you know, you’d rather I not offer you the job at all?”

  “I guess I did.” Elliot laughed away the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. “I hope we didn’t just take this little walk for nothing.”

  Helen’s laugh sounded more natural. “No, we didn’t. I wanted to show you this.”

  They stopped at a bustling intersection of cars spinning around a traffic circle. Stoplights switched from green to red, cars roared past in opposite directions, and she followed Helen across the crosswalk to a small park in the center of the roundabout.