Close to Home

by Rachel Spangler

  “The pay is nonnegotiable because it’s a grant-funded fellowship, but we can help you find housing, and you’ll have plenty of support while you get acclimated. We’d really want you to start as soon as possible, ideally by the first of May.”

  The dull throb beneath her ribcage annoyed her. She should feel nothing but unadulterated joy right now. A quick departure was just one more blessing the job offered. She had no reason to stay. Not after what she knew. Beth. Kelly’d had a decade-long relationship with one of Elliot’s friends, and neither one of them had told her. Shouldn’t you mention that to the person you’re sleeping with? Shouldn’t Beth or Rory have brought that up in all their talks about being careful? Apparently none of them had trusted her enough to level with her.

  “I’m sure you’ve had other offers,” Helen continued, bringing her back to the questions at hand.

  Elliot didn’t correct her, but the assumption made her realize she probably should’ve sought other offers. Another missed opportunity. Had she gotten so wrapped up in Kelly that she’d sabotaged her other chances?

  “But I think this could be a good fit for you. You’ll be mentored, you’ll be nurtured, you’ll make connections that can take you anywhere and allow you to do anything you want next.”

  “It sounds wonderful,” she said wistfully.

  “Good, because we’ve got important work ahead. We’ve got an ambitious legislative agenda for the next congressional term. I want you to be a partner on that project. I want you to be a major part of our team going forward. It won’t be easy. A lot of people won’t like what you have to tell them, but everyone here firmly believes you’re the person for the job.”

  She fought back a sob. This was everything she wanted. Everything she needed. Everything she’d ever hoped to hear, only it hadn’t come from the person she’d hoped would say it.

  Maybe that’s all she’d get. The right time, the right situation, just from the wrong person. Two out of three. Most people in her situation would be thrilled. It wasn’t like she had much choice. Kelly hadn’t exactly made a counteroffer.

  “Thank you,” she finally managed to say.

  “Well, you’ve said ‘sounds wonderful’ and ‘thank you,’ ” Helen noted. “But you’ve yet to say ‘I accept.’ ”

  She hadn’t. And she didn’t quite know why, at least not in the logical sense. She had to accept. She didn’t have any other choice. Why couldn’t she bring herself to say the words?

  “Look, Elliot.” Helen’s voice dropped into a more personal register. “I’m sure you’ve got a lot of people pulling you in a lot of directions, but you’re an impressive young woman with a bright future. The choice is yours to make, and I’m sure you’ll make the right one.”

  She let a tear fall silently, though this time the sadness and frustration blended with something else, something she hadn’t felt in a long time. Confidence.

  “If you need some time, go ahead and take a day or two.”

  “No,” she said.

  “No?”

  “I don’t need time. I know what I want. And I know what I need to do. I just needed to be reminded I could actually make that decision for myself.”

  “And?” Helen asked.

  “I accept your offer. I’m looking forward to working with you.”

  Chapter Twenty

  Kelly woke up with a headache and a crick in her neck from falling asleep in her father’s desk chair, or rather, crying herself to sleep there, and yet moving did nothing to alleviate the pain. No amount of Advil or stretching would offer her the relief she craved. Still, she stretched and rolled her head from side to side. She’d done this to herself. Could she possibly undo the damage?

  Straightening her father’s sweater as best she could, she hung it neatly back across his chair, but she picked up the photograph of her and Beth. She carried it with her into the bathroom. Setting the frame on the sink, she splashed some water on her face before letting herself look in the mirror. She barely recognized her reflection. A casual observer would’ve found few similarities between the girl in the photo and the woman staring back at her now. Her face had grown pale and wan, her eyes darker and deep-set. Faint lines now creased her forehead, and her hair lay smooth and limp against her cheeks. Looking back, she could see what Beth had been drawn to in her then, but she couldn’t imagine what would make anyone reach out to her now.

  When had the transition occurred? Over the last few months, the last three years, or had it begun the day she decided to surrender parts of herself for the sake of preserving others? How long had she lived with the hurt, and how many others had she sucked into her cycle of increasing pain? She didn’t know. She didn’t even know if it mattered anymore. She couldn’t go back. She didn’t ever get those chances again. Not with her father, not with Beth, not with Elliot.

  Hanging her head, she let the water drip from her chin and nose into the basin. She couldn’t stand her ground anymore. The world was spinning, changing, always in flux. She could move forward or be pulled back into darkness, but she couldn’t stay here. There were no do-overs, but maybe there could be a chance to do better.

  She patted her face with a hand towel and crossed the hall into her office, but instead of sitting down, she reached for the phone and dialed a number now imprinted in her heart.

  “Hi, it’s Kelly.”

  “What’s wrong?” the voice on the other end asked.

  “I’m okay, physically at least. But I need you to come up here if you can.” She sighed. This wouldn’t be easy, but nothing had been easy for a long time. “I need to talk to you, and I … well, I need your help.”

  “I’m on my way.”

  She smiled faintly. Maybe some bridges hadn’t been burnt completely, but if she intended to rebuild them, she had to do so better than before. So even as her stomach churned, she forced herself to add, “Rory can come, too.”

  Elliot used her reflection in the plate-glass window in front of the office to straighten her tie and finger-comb her hair away from her face. She hadn’t come there today to work, or even to try to impress. She merely wanted to see if the difference she felt showed. She couldn’t tell. Between the gray clouds overhead and the nervousness coursing through her, she couldn’t get any sort of accurate picture of herself right now. Or maybe there was no one, accurate version of her. She was in transition, and what she had to do now would likely say a great deal about who she would become.

  Not that she actually knew what she had to do. She hadn’t really thought through a plan, or a speech, or even a vague idea of what she wanted to say. Every time she tried, she got shaky and nauseated. Which was probably why she continued to stand outside the door. Once she went in, she’d have to say something. She’d have to face Kelly. She’d have to face herself. Maybe she should leave and come up with more of a plan. No. She had to go with the momentum of the morning before she lost it.

  Maybe she couldn’t think that far ahead. Once she made the choice to dramatically throw open the door, she’d have to say something. Maybe she couldn’t make all the choices at once, but she could at least make the first one. With that thought in mind, she unlocked the door and pushed it open with gusto, the little bells up top clanking hard against the glass.

  “We’re not open,” Kelly called, the abruptness of her voice startling Elliot. She braced herself for Kelly’s anger, but she didn’t emerge from her office.

  We’re not open? Did she intend to speak to a client that way and just leave them? The muscles in Elliot’s shoulders knotted tightly. She forced herself to step as confidently as she could toward Kelly’s open office door, but when she peeked in, she found it empty. Turning, she noticed another door standing ajar, one she’d never seen anyone use before, not even Kelly.

  “Kelly?” she called.

  “Elliot?” someone asked from inside the office.

  “Rory?” She edged into the office as though she might be entering an alternate universe, and what she saw didn’t alleviate any of thos
e fears.

  Kelly stood behind a beautiful cherrywood desk, her face grim and pale, her eyes unreadable as she looked at Beth and Rory, who sat in the client chairs opposite her. Beth, Elliot could understand, especially after what she’d learned, but why Rory? And why did everyone look so grim? Was it because she’d arrived? What kind of meeting had she interrupted?

  “Elliot,” Kelly finally said, “I didn’t expect to see you today.”

  “Clearly,” she said slowly, trying to remind herself why she’d come and what the new turn of events meant for her plan, or lack of plan. She’d made quite an entrance, and she had everyone’s attention. What now?

  “I’m here to tell you some things.” She blew out a frustrated breath. Not quite the opening salvo she’d hoped for.

  Beth rose to her feet. “Maybe we should give you two a minute to yourselves.”

  “No,” both Elliot and Kelly said at once, then looked at each other with the same surprised expression.

  “I’ve come to some big decisions,” Kelly said, “ones I should’ve come to a long time ago. I haven’t been fair to any of you, to varying degrees. I wish I had been better.”

  “Please stop with the wishes and would’ve beens,” Elliot said. She’d already heard too many speeches about how Kelly would handle things differently if she could. “All the excuses you’ve made are just lies you tell yourself, and I’m not sure if you believe them or not, but I don’t.”

  “That’s a little harsh,” Rory said.

  “No. It’s true,” Kelly admitted. “I’ve made a lot of compromises at a very great cost. I know you think I’m strong, or stoic, but I’m not.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re more than that,” Elliot said. “You’re sharp and smart and beautiful. You excite me and you keep me on my toes. You frustrate me and challenge me. You make me believe I can hold my own with anyone after being with you. And I know your mind goes to dark places when left on its own, but not when we’re together. You and I have moments when we’re nothing short of electric. You can tell yourself whatever you need to, but you can’t lie to me about how good we are together. I was there. I know it was real.”

  “Elliot,” Kelly pleaded, “you have to stop.”

  “No, I don’t. That’s the problem. I let you make me think I had to shut up and wait and bite my tongue for fear of saying the thing that would push you over the edge or make you push me away completely. I let my fear of losing you turn me into the coward I always feared myself to be.” Elliot laughed bitterly. “I was so afraid to lose you I turned into a silent shadow of myself, and then I went ahead and lost you anyway. So fuck it. Now it’s my turn to talk.”

  Kelly, Beth, and Rory all wore the same wide-eyed look of astonishment, but none of them moved to physically restrain her, and that’s what it would take to stop the runaway train of her mind from plowing forward.

  “Everyone talks about the whole relationship crisis, decision-making process, whatever you want to call it, like it’s a foregone conclusion. They act like there’s no choice for me, or there’s only one choice, and I’d damn well better make it or it’ll be made for me, right?”

  No one responded.

  “Yes, that’s right,” she answered herself. “And I know they want what’s best for me, but what if what’s best for me is letting me make my own damn choice? All everyone’s done is confirm for me that, when push comes to shove, none of you trust me to make my stand on my own.”

  “Elliot, we trust you,” Beth said in her most placating voice, but Elliot wouldn’t go for the soothing tones this time.

  “No, you don’t,” she snapped back. “You’ve tried to protect me from the very beginning. From day one, you and Rory would share your silent looks of, ‘Should we tell her? Should we step in? Should we worry?’ And you must have been worried, or you wouldn’t have come here to warn Kelly away from me.”

  “That’s not exactly why they’re here.” Kelly cut in. “I actually called them.”

  “Okay, well they called you, you called them, let’s not split hairs here.”

  “Actually the difference matters quite a bit this time,” Rory added. “I think you should hear her out.”

  “Rory, I love you like the big sister I never had, but you basically told me I had to get out of here before I got in over my head and couldn’t think clearly anymore.”

  “I did. You’re right. I was overprotective. I’m sorry.” She looked to Kelly. “To both of you.”

  Okay, no argument there. Surprising. She’d never known Rory to roll over, especially to protect Kelly. But, moving on. “And, Beth, did you or did you not talk to Kelly about me?”

  “I did,” Beth admitted. “I wanted to make sure she intended to do right by you. Knowing what I know now, I wish I’d handled things very differently.”

  Another easy surrender. When was someone going to try to stop her? She turned, ready to take on the only challenge that really mattered anymore. “And Kelly, you never really let me in. You never let me get as close as I let you get.”

  “I wouldn’t go that far—”

  “You always set the boundaries. You always called the shots. You said you wanted to do right by me, and you let that desire rip you apart, but not one of you”— she looked around the room for full effect— “not one of you stopped to ask me what I thought was right. Or how I felt about the job offer. Or how I felt about the prospect of trying to make a life with Kelly or having to choose between the two.”

  She shook her head. “The only thing anyone asked was if I was in love, and every time, the question was couched in a way that made it clear the answer should be ‘no.’ ”

  “Was it no?” Kelly asked, a timidity in her voice that made Elliot’s heart clench and her monologue roll to a halt.

  “What?”

  “You said they asked you if you were in love, but you didn’t say what your answer was. You only said what they wanted it to be.”

  “Oh.” Well that took the wind out of her sails. “It’s just— all they talked about was how hard it would be, and they were right. They said I’d have to give up a lot, and they were right. They said you were closeted and stubborn and stuck in your ways, and they were right.”

  “And?”

  “And I love you anyway. I mean, I love you totally. Not in spite of who you are, but because of who you are. I love that you’re fair and witty and a smart-ass. I love the way you don’t compromise your ideals. And I love the softer side you keep to yourself. I love how, when you do something, you do it all the way, whether it’s a schedule C or making love.”

  Everything came out in a rush, but she didn’t regret a word. She felt stronger and more confident than ever. “There, I said it. I’m not sorry. Saying that doesn’t make me weaker or dumber or less likely to reach my full potential. I love you, Kelly. That doesn’t mean I won’t still chase my dreams. It doesn’t mean I’m going to hide out in your closet with you, either. I won’t walk on eggshells anymore, or tiptoe around some image you have of yourself or the image you want other people to see of you.”

  “Good,” Kelly said, with a solemn nod, “I feel the same way.”

  “And I took the job in Washington, D.C. I got the offer and I accepted it and—” She stopped, her mouth still wide open. She stared at Kelly, watching the creases in her forehead fade as a smile stirred the corners of her beautiful mouth. “What?”

  “I love you, too,” Kelly said, then rolled her eyes playfully. “Maybe I should’ve led with that, but in case you’ve forgotten, you’ve got a bit of a stubborn streak yourself.”

  “I had forgotten, actually. You put me through a lot lately.”

  “I know. I’ve put a lot of people through a lot, and some of them I won’t ever get back in my life. But I called these two in today to apologize, and to ask for their help in apologizing to you.”

  “Well … I’m sort of sorry I missed whatever grand gesture you were working on, but you could’ve just said you loved me. Like, right when I walked in.�
��

  “And missed your great speech?” Kelly laughed. “Not for anything. I don’t want to miss anything with you, ever again.”

  Elliot felt a little dizzy, and not completely in a good way. “But I took the job. I’m supposed to move in two weeks. I can call Helen back.”

  “No,” all three of them said in unison, then Beth and Rory managed to appear properly chagrined.

  “I think it’s time for us to make our exit,” Rory said.

  “Maybe you’re right,” Beth said. “They seem to have figured out the big stuff without us.”

  “Have we?” Elliot asked, still slightly woozy from the implications of what they’d said and where everything seemed to lead.

  “Well, you haven’t kissed her yet,” Rory said under her breath.

  “Rory,” Beth scolded, pulling on her arm.

  “Just saying,” Rory mumbled as she headed out the door.

  Beth shook her head and smiled, then followed her fiancée. “One of you call one of us later,” she said, before they heard the bells above the front door jingle.

  “Rory’s got a point,” Elliot said, stepping closer.

  “She talks enough. It’s to be expected she’d get something right occasionally,” Kelly conceded, then grinned. “She might not be the worst person in town.”

  “Glad you approve, because I’m about to take her advice.” In one fluid movement, Elliot caught her around the waist and drew her close, but this time instead of merely allowing herself to be swept up, Kelly grabbed the lapels of Elliot’s jacket and pulled them fully together.

  She luxuriated in the press of Kelly’s lips, the familiar blend of taking and yielding. With one hand on the small of her back, she used the other to cup her face, sinking into the feeling of them melting so perfectly together. She took her time, for the first time, letting herself fully believe they had time, but when they finally broke apart enough to speak, the old doubt tried to take hold once more.

  “I don’t know how we’re going to make this work.”