Oh Great! I was Reincarnated as a Farmer

by Benjamin Kerei

  “You’re avoiding the question.”

  Salem sighed and turned back. “I’m not sure. Technically if you were not seen or initially followed, then in that scenario, the combat would be initiated on your farm, and you would be defending your farm, but that is only a hypothesis. However, even if it did work that way, you would still be endangering your neighbours’ lives. You could as easily lure a troll as a wolf which is likely why it has never been tried. Or if it has, no one has lived through the experiment.”

  “So you would need to test it on a farm where there were no neighbours, like say…in a village where the entire east side had been sacked by goblins and abandoned.”

  Salem paused, and then he frowned. After a while, he began to slowly shake his head. “How long have you contemplated this?”

  “About a week.”

  “It shows. This plan is less moronic than I have come to expect from you. However, have you considered what you will do if a troll does show up?”

  I opened the back of the book and retrieved the paper I’d been doodling on. The more I’d thought about this plan, the more ideas had come to me. Growing up—before I got interested in boobs—there was one movie I loved above all others. Home Alone. My plans for a trap-covered farm would have made Kevin McCallister proud.

  I started explaining.

  And the more I talked, the more interested Salem became. We talked for the rest of the day and long into the night, going over possible scenarios and how we would deal with them.

  But it wasn’t until late the next afternoon that Salem said, “You have convinced me. You have a feasible plan. But what do you need to make it work?”

  Answering that question took another week and came down to a single scenario. The reason it took so long was simple. I didn’t have enough money for the required setup. Even the smallest farm with just four fields would cost a minimum of 700 silver nobles, and then I’d have to rebuild either a barn or the farmhouse, and I only had the funds for a small building when I needed a barn big enough for what we wanted to do. And none of that included taxes which had to be paid six months in advance.

  So, I had to get creative and stretch the rules. Once I worked out how to do that well, the possibility of pulling it all off went up.

  Jeric, the village’s mayor and only noble, took a sip of his wine, gave a roguish smile, and then moved his bishop to where he could take my queen. At a little over fifty years old, Jeric looked like a man twenty years younger with a body that would make an Olympic swimmer jealous. His light brown hair was cut short and he always looked freshly shaven. His clothes were the nicest in the village, without being ostentatious. He was too humble to display his wealth or look down on others.

  The piece tapping the board was the only sound to be heard in the inn. The village guards had called it a night and even Wendell, the village drunk, had gone home. Gretel had turned in, leaving the inn entirely to the two of us.

  “You’re playing poorly, Arnold. Is that because there is something on your mind?”

  Jeric had told me months ago that his wisdom was high enough to read everyone in the village except the wizard Redcliff like an open book—everyone but me. He could see my level and guess at my skills, but unlike the uneducated masses here, I was educated enough to be a little more complex. I was also an incarnate which made it much harder.

  That was partly why he’d invited me to poker night with him and the village’s more wealthy individuals. The first time I won roughly fifty silver nobles. The second it was eighty. There was no third time.

  “Did Gretel mention it?”

  “She might as well have with the way she decided to leave us alone. I’ve known the woman for almost two decades and not once has she left her inn unattended while there were customers inside.”

  “I needed to speak to you alone.”

  “Clearly.”

  “I’ve got a proposition for you.”

  Jeric chuckled, scratching the side of his chin while looking me directly in the eye. “I am a happily married man, Arnold, not that you don’t have your charms. I am flattered, but I will have to turn you down.”

  “Not that sort of proposition.”

  He grinned. “In that case, you have my undivided attention.

  “Several months ago, you said that Blackwood was in such a poor state that you wished you could give the eastern farms away. Were you just talking or would you really let them go for free if you could?”

  “An empty farm is like an empty bowl; it feeds no one. While I might have been talking over wine, Arnold, I wasn’t blathering. I would give those farms away if I could. They haven’t done anyone any good these last three years.”

  “In that case, I would like you to give me the Darkwood farm and three of the neighbouring farms. It’s a total of fifty-five fields.”

  Jeric looked at me with interest. “You are far more astute than most, so I’m not going to tell you that is impossible, but rather ask you how you plan to circumvent the minimum gold crown per field price?”

  I had to do this delicately. Jeric and I got on well, and I considered us friends, but I was still asking a lot. “You control the village coffers, correct?”

  “Yes, but I cannot loan you the money.”

  “But you could gamble it away,” I said.

  Jeric frowned, but it wasn’t an angry frown. If I was reading him right, it was merely slightly confused. “I don’t follow.”

  This was the tricky part. My proposition was as borderline as you could go without being outright illegal. I’d practiced my next words in front of a mirror for nearly a day, trying to make my tone and inflection perfect, so he would hear me out to the end.

  “I’m not trying to be rude, but you aren’t much of a card player. I propose we gamble until you’ve lost enough of the village’s money to equal the cost of the land I wish to purchase. At that point, I will purchase the farms legally with your losses. As I understand it, gambling winnings are not taxed, and neither are village land sales, so neither of us will be required to pay taxes to the crown, meaning you will essentially be giving away the land for free, though the system will technically see you as selling it. I imagine you will win a few of our games, so at the very least, you will get some good gambler experience out of this.”

  Jeric shook his head and leaned forward, placing his elbows on the table, completely forgetting our game. “Arnold, that must be the most underhanded manipulation of the laws I have ever heard firsthand. And I am almost entirely certain it is legal.” He grinned. “Still, I will need time to consult the laws and ruminate on this matter before I do anything. However, you must know that this method cannot be used for the advanced taxes you will have to pay.”

  “Well, it would if you were willing to lose a little more and only make me pay the crown’s share.”

  Jeric chuckled. “I like you, Arnold, but not that much.”

  “I figured. I have the money for the taxes.”

  “Good. But what do you plan to use the farm for? Because I’ve honestly never met a farmer who was quite so adamant he wouldn’t farm.”

  “I’m only willing to hint at what my plan is, but even then, I would ask that you do not repeat what I tell you to another living soul.”

  Jeric smile vanished and he placed his right hand on his heart. “To my last breath, what you tell me here and now shall never leave my lips.”

  I waited until he was comfortable. “I think I’ve found an exploit in the laws.”

  Exploits in the laws were as rare as Salem had said but not unheard of, and they were exploited to the extreme. Gambling for drinks was a minor example. There were plenty of others like the 47 quests of carpentry or the fisherman’s pond.

  Jeric sighed. “Only crazy dreamers chase exploits…but then again, you started this conversation with the most blindingly unexpected manipulation of the laws I have ever been a part of. And if it holds up to scrutiny then that suggests you probably have a chance.”

  I leaned forward
excitedly. “Is that a yes?”

  “It’s an ‘I’ll get back to you.’”

  I sighed. “I can live with that.”

  “Good. Now, I’m assuming by this level of privacy that you do not want me to use this method of land acquisition with others?”

  “Not until I’ve had a chance to test my theory, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble.”

  “It’s not.” He looked down at the chessboard. “Now, I believe it is your move.”

  Chapter Five

  SURPRISES AND PLANNING

  It was a warm sunny afternoon so I was in a good mood when I arrived at The Beaten Anvil. The sounds of hammering and the scent of charcoal smoke filled the air. Jeric’s approval to move ahead with my plan had arrived via letter two days ago and I’d been systematically working my way down the list of people I needed to talk to. I was halfway through sourcing the equipment necessary for my plan to work. Now that Jeric had returned from wherever he had been, we could finally get started on gambling for the land.

  I waved at Ava and her husband as their youngest came forward. He was a little bigger than the last time I had seen him, but then, kids grew fast at his age. “Welcome to The Beaten Anvil. How may I be of assistance?”

  I smiled. “You got it right, well done. Can I talk to your mum when she’s free?”

  He nodded and hurried over to pass on the message.

  I folded my arms and waited, enjoying the day.

  My good mood took a sharp dive when Ava walked over, smiling, and said, “So I hear you are building a sex dungeon.” The sound of her husband laughing told me he’d heard her. “Now, I’m not going to say a few of the local unmarried girls won’t be interested, but I am a little surprised. I didn’t take you for the adventurous dominative type. Or are you a sub?”

  “Wh…what?” was all that managed to come out of my mouth.

  “Don’t be so surprised,” she said, slapping my shoulder playfully. “The whole village knows. Brek took one look at the plans you gave him and went straight to the captain of the guard, informing him that if anyone went missing to go to your place and check. Our poor Captain Wallis had to explain to the man that your little underground room might not be as nefarious as he first assumed. He even had to go into detail before Brek would settle down. Oh, Cora had me in stitches telling me all about it.”

  I swallowed, finally understanding what she meant. I could feel my face heating up. My first instinct was to deny it, but then I would have to explain what the underground room was for, and I wanted that less. So instead, I said, “Everyone knows?”

  Ava chuckled. “Practically everyone and almost every father has expressly forbidden their daughters from talking to you—which is just going to push a few of them your way faster. But men can be so foolish sometimes. Anyway, what can I do for you?”

  It was too much, so I just handed her the paper I’d written my list on.

  Ava’s smile grew as she read. “Ah, that’s a lot of chain you’re after. And I see you want two steel cages. I’m not sure what you are going to do with all those pulleys and hinges, but I’d appreciate it if you explained it to my husband for me. So we can know what we are helping with, of course.”

  Her husband’s laughter died off in a fit of choking.

  My face went from hot to burning. “Um, if I leave you the list, could you estimate the prices for me? I want to see what I can afford.”

  “No problem, Arnold. That shade of red is adorable on you, by the way.”

  “Um…ah…goodbye.”

  I hadn’t noticed the looks I’d been getting as I went to The Beaten Anvil, but I sure as hell noticed them on the way to Kiln’s Carpentry. I even had to talk myself up to going around the cottage to the small sawdust-smelling shed out the back by telling myself that Ava was exaggerating.

  But the first thing Kiln said when I walked through the shed door was, “You’ve come to the right place if you are looking to furnish your sex dungeon, Arnold. I don’t go in for that sort of thing myself, but if you need quality furniture then I’m your man. I can make you anything you need.”

  Thirty minutes of embarrassing conversation later and Kiln understood what I needed. Though he kept referring to the falling spike traps I’d designed as sex racks since I didn’t deny it. He also kept saying things like, “damn, you’re a freak," quickly followed by asking if I’d talked to this widower or that farmer’s daughter. Immediately followed by, “I think she would be into it.”

  Now, I knew the locals were a little freer about sex than back home. And that was saying something. And I figured it had a lot to do with their access to universal birth control. There was apparently a prompt that you could have auto-filled that asked you if you wanted to attempt to conceive and if either party clicked no you couldn’t. I mean, birth control started the sexual revolution back home, and Tinder just made hookups easier, so why wouldn’t a society that had this all along be a bit more promiscuous?

  But this was just a little too open for my taste since I was the centre of attention.

  After visiting everyone on my list and receiving similar replies, I went to Jeric’s manor. His butler Hamlin met me at the door and led me to a windowless parlour where Jeric waited at a table with a deck of cards. The small, crystal-lit room was filled with books, reminding me very much of my father’s study.

  For a moment, the old pain reasserted itself, but then, as tended to happen now, everything went back to normal.

  Jeric put down the book he was reading, and picked up the deck, and began shuffling. “That will be all, Hamlin. We can take care of ourselves.”

  The butler gave an old-fashioned, “Yes, sir,” and then exited the room, closing the doors behind him.

  The door clicked shut and I timidly crossed the room. Beeswax and old paper gave a pleasant, inviting odour. I noticed the temperature was cooler than the breeze outside, almost like the room had air conditioning.

  I sat in the chair across from Jeric and cleared my throat nervously. “I got your letter. Since you wanted to go ahead with my plan, I’ve taken the liberty of setting things in motion. I hope that’s not a problem, but you weren’t here for me to ask.” I spoke too quickly to be casual, praying the conversation wouldn’t turn towards sex dungeons. “How was the trip, by the way?”

  Jeric took a breath. “Enlightening.”

  Oh, thank goodness he hadn’t heard.

  “What was it for? You didn’t mention you were leaving when we talked. All I know is I woke one day and you were gone? I’ve been wondering if it had something to do with our conversation.”

  “My apologies for that, but the trip wasn’t planned and I was in an excitable state. I was more than a day away before I could think clearly. And you are correct. It had something to do with our conversation.” A smile took hold of his features.

  “Just spill it,” I said, not in the mood for games. “What did you find out?”

  Jeric leaned forward and dropped his voice to a whisper. “You accidentally discovered a noble exploit.”

  “What!”

  “Not so loud.”

  “You’re serious?”

  “Entirely.”

  My jaw dropped and I couldn’t find the brainpower to close it for several seconds. “How?” It was all I could say.

  “It’s because the village has a stagnation debuff. Usually, selling off land owned by the crown doesn’t generate experience for the administrator of the village or town. However, when a village is in as poor a state as Blackwood, this changes. Now, normally, selling the crown-owned land would only generate a small amount of experience because the reduced base price of the land is all you can ever hope to receive, but by using your method of gambling away the crown’s funds that I control and increasing the price of those fields to their maximum, that small amount of experience suddenly becomes quite significant and turns it from a minor exploit into something noteworthy.”

  Congratulations, you have learned you accidentally uncovered a new method of gai
ning experience. Uncovering this method has earned you a new title: Wiseman.

  Wiseman

  Level: 1

  Effect: +10 wisdom

  Jeric carried on talking, unaware of what happened. “In order for me to gain the extra experience, you will need to pay ten crowns for each field and building, not one.”

  I blinked, clearing the prompt from my vision. “I just earned a title.”

  Jeric chuckled. “Congratulations, the Wiseman title gives a significant boost to wisdom.”

  “How did you…”

  Jeric waved away my comment before I even finished making it. “You created a new method for gaining experience. Everyone who does receives it.”

  “Oh…” What Jeric had said suddenly caught up to me. “That price increase for the fields will increase my merchant experience and our gambler experience, won’t it?”

  Jeric nodded. “Yes, it is quite the exploit you’ve unintentionally created. It bodes well for your future discoveries.”

  An annoyed feeling mixed with jubilation over the title began to stir in me. Salem and I had discussed this method for hours and he’d never brought up the fact that this could potentially be an exploit. He’d said merchants and the crown had already created and tested the gambling method we were suggesting centuries ago. The ramifications had been massive inflation on the price of foodstuffs and a dozen key materials for several years which dissolved many classes' wealth, leading to widespread famine. That was because the system was designed to generate magic and because they were essentially generating experience from nothing, the system had to correct itself in some way.

  We’d spent a long time talking about that, trying to understand what would happen in this situation. We’d figured the worst consequence would be an inflation of the base land price in the village. But that would only happen if we kept using the method the way the merchants had, which we didn’t plan to do.

  It wasn’t supposed to be able to generate noble experience. It wasn’t supposed to be an exploit. Damn it. I had given it away for free.