Off Balance

by Aileen Erin

  “Okay. If you’re sure?” Because I wasn’t so sure.

  “One hundred percent frost, Am.”

  “Okay.” I started slowly at first, finding my rhythm. Sometimes when the repetition of the movements flowed, my mind would quiet. Usually, it was the only time it was quiet.

  But not now.

  Roan stood still, holding the pads for me, and I moved faster. Then faster. I heard the sound of the alarms again.

  My fists pounded the pads faster. I needed to move faster.

  Right-thump, left-thump, right-thump-thump. Left-thump-thump. Right-thump.

  The scent of sulfur hit me.

  Faster. Thump, thump, thump.

  I heard the king’s voice telling me I was unworthy.

  The reporters picking apart everything I did echoed in my mind

  Faster. Thump-thump-thump.

  I lost track of time and place. The more I moved, the more I felt the shadows of my past gaining on me. I had to keep going before my past caught me.

  Thumpthumpthumpthumpthumpthump.

  I lost track of the gym and Roan and everything that wasn’t moving my body to its max.

  “I said stop!” Someone shoved me from the side.

  I pivoted, throwing a few punches at whoever shoved me—all blocked—before I focused on what I was hitting. Who I was hitting.

  Declan.

  I froze. My heart was pounding in my chest, and sweat dripped down my face. I hadn’t heard Declan come in. I turned to Roan, who was now sitting on the floor. Completely spent.

  I whimpered as I looked at Roan on the ground. His eyes were closed, and the pulse in his neck was moving quickly, much too quickly.

  “Oh god.” What had I done? I slapped a hand over my mouth. “I should’ve stopped. I didn’t—I lost—I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” I dropped to the floor beside him. “Do you need to go to the healing pod?”

  Roan lay back. “Fine.” His word was mostly gasped. “Fine.”

  Do something. I had to do something. “You’re not fine.” I ran a hand across his forehead. He was way too hot. “Declan. Call a medic!”

  “No. I’m fine, Am. Honest. You didn’t use your mojo on me. I just need a break.”

  Okay. Okay. At least I hadn’t done that.

  Water. He needed water.

  I ran to the wall where I’d stashed a couple cartons in my bag. The Aunare used cartons for water instead of tubes. They were zero waste, unlike the non-recyclable tubes the Earthers used. I dumped out my bag in my rush to find them and sprinted back to him, landing hard on my knees beside him. I ripped open the top. “Drink.”

  He nodded, and I helped him sit up to take a few sips.

  That he needed my help at all to drink water was unacceptable. “Why didn’t you stop me? Why didn’t you say something before it got this bad?”

  “Tried. You weren’t. Hearing me.”

  He had? All I’d heard were the echoes of my nightmares.

  “Has she done this before?” Declan bent down to grab Roan’s wrist unit and flipped through the screens to find his vitals.

  Declan looked up at me and nodded.

  I let out a breath. Roan was fine.

  I wasn’t sure if I’d done it before. I didn’t think so, but I couldn’t say for sure.

  “No,” Roan said after another drink of water. “You’ve never spaced so bad. But your fao’ana weren’t visible, so I knew you were fine. I was just trying to hang in there until I could get through to you.”

  I sat back on my heels, letting that sink in. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Babe. It’s fine.”

  Wrong. He was so fucking wrong. He was overheated, and I’d exhausted him. “It’s not fine.”

  “We were supposed to start in two hours. How long have you been here?” The way Declan was demanding answers made me want to shout at him.

  But then I looked at Roan. “I got here just after six and started warming up. Roan got here not long after. I don’t know what time it is. Where were you?”

  “I had things.” Declan huffed, and I looked up at him.

  He was thicker than Lorne, but not as tall. His biceps threatened to rip his sleeves when he crossed his arms. He stared at me as if he was seeing me for the first time, and I wasn’t sure he approved of what he saw.

  I wasn’t sure I’d approve either.

  Ahiga came into the room—sipping a carton of water—and stopped as his gaze quickly surveyed the three of us.

  Geometric tattoos covered half of his face, and since I’d seen him with his shirt off, I knew they covered most of his body. His head was shaved, and I was sure he had to weigh at least three hundred pounds—all muscle—but none of that scared me.

  What scared me was that he’d seen me go through so much—he’d been there—that he could see through me like I was tissue-paper thin.

  His look didn’t show any pity, but there was sadness and understanding there. “What did I miss?”

  “Nothing,” I muttered softly.

  “Doesn’t look like nothing.” He squatted beside Roan and me, and handed me the carton. “Drink. You look pale.”

  I grabbed it and checked Roan’s water, but he still had some left. So, I took a drink.

  Ahiga just watched me and waited for me to explain.

  I turned the carton of water in my hands. “I guess I was lost in my head and got a little carried away.”

  “She was going solid for over an hour straight.” Roan sounded better, but I still felt like the worst friend ever.

  An hour? I winced. “It was that long?” Usually, we tried to break every ten minutes or so.

  “Yes. I kept trying to talk to you, but you weren’t there.” He sighed. “You need to relax. You need a day off.”

  “I know. We were planning to do something, but…”

  “What do you need?” Declan asked Roan. He was rechecking Roan’s vitals, but he nodded at me. Roan’s heart rate was leveling out, and his blood pressure was normal.

  Thank god. I couldn’t believe I’d spaced so badly. I couldn’t believe—

  “Stop freaking, Am. I’m fine,” Roan said. “Just need to hydrate. I’ll rest here for a bit and finish my water, but I think I’m done training for like the next week. Shit, babe. You’re intense sometimes.”

  “I—”

  “Don’t apologize again. I’m fine.”

  I blew out a breath to stall the apology from coming out. “Okay.”

  “If you’re done sulking, we’ll start our lesson now,” Declan said to me.

  I groaned. “Can we not do Aunare or history? I need to move.”

  He frowned at me as if I’d failed some sort of test already. “You need to learn the language.”

  “I’ll use my translator.” I pressed my lips together. “I’m angry, and I really do need to move and—”

  “I understand anger.” He didn’t look happy, but the frown went away. Marginally. “You just need a target. Unless your fao’ana start flashing, we’ll fight. The second they flicker for even a second, we’re done for the day.”

  “Fair.” That was completely and totally fair.

  “How about something new?”

  I looked up at him. “I can’t take failing at anything else today.” It was embarrassing to admit, but something new—I just didn’t think I had it in me.

  “You’ll like this. Trust me. Be right back.” He ran out the door before I could argue with him.

  That was the problem. I wasn’t sure I trusted Declan anymore. I didn’t blame him for what happened on Abaddon. I understood what Declan did and why. At the time, I agreed with him. But seeing all the different possibilities in the holo of Lorne’s back in Jesmesha’s dome made me think about all the possibilities in my life. Looking back now, I saw other options that I didn’t see before.

  Like if we’d sneacked away the first night Declan showed up, then everything could’ve been avoided.

  Or if we’d waited a day, and then moved to a different
city—away from all the SpaceTech madness—then I’d have been safe.

  Or if Declan had told Lorne and my father where I was, maybe they’d have been able to help figure out how to safely get me back to Sel’Ani before Jason found me.

  Or if he’d told them that I was in prison or even waited to tell them I was on Abaddon—

  None of that was helpful to think of now. The past happened. I couldn’t change it. I had to move on.

  Ahiga pulled Roan up from the ground. Roan’s shoulders slouched, and he stumbled a step. Ahiga helped him stay upright, but I felt like the worst person in the world.

  I was as horrible as everyone on the news thought if I did this to my best friend.

  “I’m sorry.” I couldn’t help but apologize, even if Roan didn’t want it.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll be okay.” Ahiga propped Roan up in one of the bleacher seats. There was a three-foot wall topped with a rail that separated the bleachers from the gym. He’d be safe there, even if I somehow zoned out again.

  “I’m just tired,” Roan said. “I’ll watch whatever Declan’s teaching you next. When you’re done, we’ll go grab food. Okay?”

  I nodded because I didn’t trust myself to say anything to him without starting to cry. “Take care of him,” I said to Ahiga.

  He grunted. “He’ll be fine. I’m going to grab him a smoothie from the kitchens. They have some awesome antioxidants in them. It’ll fix him right up.”

  “Okay.”

  The door slammed shut behind Declan. He was holding four metal rods, each about a foot and a half long and maybe an inch or two in diameter. He tossed me two rods.

  “These are faksano training sticks. You’ve done enough punching today, so let’s see how you do with these.”

  I swung my arms through the air, and the rods made a faint whistling sound. I’d used them in the vid Lorne played for me from when we were kids. We’d been sparring with them, and I had them in my hands when I blew up the melons.

  I remembered what Lorne said about them. The faksano charged with every movement, and then I could use them to enhance my abilities.

  “I’m not sure this is a good idea. I’ve never used them before, and I really don’t want to hurt anyone else today. I know they can enhance—”

  “These aren’t the real deal. Just practice ones.” He said it as if I was being ridiculous. “Just don’t whack me on the head with them, and you’ll be fine.”

  I must’ve been making quite a face if he could read me so clearly. “All right.” I tapped them together, and the rods gave off a low vibration in my hands. My skin grew brighter, and my fao’ana appeared. “Whoa. Are you sure? I just—”

  “The vibration is simulated. It’s not going to gather energy like the real ones. I promise I don’t want you to blow me up. I wouldn’t want to try training with you if they could actually kill me.”

  “All right.” If he said they were practice ones, then I guessed that was okay.

  “We’re going to aim to hit our faksano together. We’re not going to hit each other with them, okay? So, when I move, block. If we get it right, it’ll sound like music.”

  “Sure.” I was solid with a variety of weapons, so I was pretty sure I could figure out whatever the trick was with these as we moved through the exercises.

  Thirty painfully long minutes later, we were still fumbling through, and it didn’t sound anything like music. I was blocking his hits, but I couldn’t find my groove.

  I held up my arm. “Time!” I yelled to him before he could attack again.

  “You tired?”

  Yes. Yes, I was. The bones in my limbs had turned into gelatin, and I wanted water. But more than that, I was getting frustrated. Why the hell couldn’t I get the hang of these stupid things?

  “Let me show her,” Lorne’s voice called from behind me.

  I spun to see him sitting with Ahiga, Roan, and two of his guards. Lorne tapped one guard’s shoulder, and the guard nodded, following Lorne into the heart of the gym.

  “It’s easier if you’ve seen it. Also, better if you start out slow. There are steps to learning this and teaching it.” He said the last bit not so nicely to Declan.

  “She’s done it before.” Declan’s words had more than a little defensiveness to them.

  I groaned. This? Again? Seriously? At least Lorne had shown up to tell me how to actually use them.

  Lorne gave me a wink, and I tried my best not to glow from it.

  And I failed.

  This was my new normal. One look from Lorne, and I lost all control. Stupid. Embarrassing. But I found I didn’t mind it very much anymore. I was starting to even like the weightless feeling I got when he was around.

  “Go sit. I’ll show you first with my guard. Then we’ll give it a try. I’ll slow down the moves for you, and then we can talk about how to use them in battle. Because that’s a little different than using them for practice.”

  “Sounds good.” I went to sit down with Roan and Ahiga to watch. Declan stayed off to the side, and Ahiga moved to join him.

  “You feeling better?” I asked Roan.

  He pushed his shoulder into mine. “All good, Am. Ahiga has the hook up. He brought me a magical smoothie, and now I’m back to one hundred. Not even feeling like I’ll be sore in the morning.”

  I gave him a long look—that smoothie sounded too good to be true—but he seemed fine. I was wondering who I had to beg to get one of those smoothies. Plarsha never even mentioned them.

  “You’re going to die when you see this,” Roan said. “I first saw his guards working with the faksano when you were in a coma, and all I could think about was how bad I wanted you to wake up so that you could watch with me. I knew you’d love it.” He elbowed me gently. “Have I told you lately how I’m really glad you woke up?”

  “Me, too.” I hadn’t been at first. Dying would’ve been easier. But now, I was getting through it.

  I turned back to Lorne and his guard. They were stretching, and I wondered if they were going to take their shirts off again.

  Oh man. I kind of hoped they were going to take their shirts off again.

  My glow brightened a bit, and Lorne turned to me. He pulled off his shirt, slowly, like he knew exactly what I was thinking about.

  I put my face in my hands and groaned, but still checked him out between my fingers.

  “You’re so obvious,” Roan whisper-shouted.

  I was, but it didn’t matter. I wasn’t acting on anything yet. Yes, we were sleeping together every night, but so far, that’s all it was. Sleeping.

  Lorne and his guard tapped their faksano together twice, and then they started circling. It took a second for the guard to make his move, and then they were flowing so fast, I couldn’t blink, or I’d miss it.

  The clack-clack, click-clack filled the gym, and I suddenly understood what Declan was talking about. The rhythm of the weapons hitting each other intensified, and I found myself sitting on the edge of my seat, resting my hands on the rail of the short wall. And I understood the music now. I found myself swaying to the beats of their hits. The angle that they hit the rods together determined the pitch. If there were a few more pairs of people sparring, I imagined that it could become a symphony of beats.

  They kept at it for a good fifteen minutes, before Lorne was able to pin his guard. The guard shouted something, and Lorne laughed.

  He got up and threw down the sticks so he could help his guard off the floor.

  I wasn’t sure Lorne really needed guards if he could fight like that.

  Roan leaned into me. “The way you were watching him now. I know you want him. He wants you. And he should be teaching you. Not Declan.”

  “I know, but he doesn’t have time for that. He’s got meetings all day, and whenever Declan decides to head out, Lorne will train me. It’s just easier for now.”

  “Why aren’t you with him for real? You like him. I know you do, and now you’re sleeping in his room. You say nothing happens, but babe. Co
me on. What’s the holdup?”

  I leaned back into my seat, snatched up my water, and took a long sip.

  “You have to answer me. I’m not like your parents or Declan or Ahiga or anyone else. I’ve been with you—by your side—for years. We share everything. Tell me. Because I like him for you. And not just for training.” He was whispering, but I didn’t want to talk about this. Even quietly.

  “I can’t…” I stood up and leaned against the short wall that separated the stands from the gym so that I could see Roan’s face.

  Roan leaned forward in his seat. “What is it?”

  “He comes with so many strings that will wrap around me so tight that I won’t be able to breathe. And ice it all, Roan. I’m struggling enough already. I had another nightmare last night, and I…I don’t know that I can be what he wants.” I tried to keep my voice at a whisper, but it was starting to get louder.

  “Come on, Am.” Roan stood up, giving me no room to run from him.

  I knew him. I knew that look on his face. He was going to make me spill my guts here.

  “It can’t be that complicated. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

  He was talking to me like I was some scared kid, and maybe that’s how I was acting. But Lorne was the crown prince. He was going to be king soon. Any day now. And that meant nothing would ever be easy with him. Not for me. I had to be really sure about what I was willing to take on before I started anything more with him.

  I put my water carton down before I dropped it. “Queen.” I gave up on whispering. “He needs me to be his queen.” He said I didn’t have to be, but I knew that’s what he really wanted. If I could give him that, I would. I just wasn’t sure if I could. “Becoming queen? That’s about as complicated as it gets, especially for me. Amihanna di Aetes, also known as Maité Martinez, formerly Sylvia Diaz, formerly Bernadette Gonzales, formerly Selena Garcia, formerly—”

  “Jesus Christ. I knew your mom always used some variation on Elizabeth, but I didn’t know you had all those different names.” Roan stepped back from me, bumping into the seat behind him. “How many names did you have?”