Off Balance

by Aileen Erin

“Yes.” His answer was fierce and immediate.

  “And you want me to rule with you?”

  He reached out to me, running his hands from my shoulders to my elbows. His hands tightened, and he pulled me close. “I’m not doing this alone.”

  I stayed stiff in his arms. “And we both agree that I’m not a child?”

  “Thankfully.” He gave me a smile that made me think of sins and sheets.

  I wrenched my arms free when he tried to tug me closer. “Then what were you thinking, locking me up like that?”

  “I wanted to protect you.” He stepped toward me. “I was scared—”

  He reached for me, but I stepped away. “I was, too. I’ve been in a house that was bombed before. I know how this goes, but I’m older now—”

  “I didn’t know if anyone dangerous was still in the house or whether I could trust the guards or maids or anyone. But I knew Eshrin would keep you safe. I need you safe.” He stepped toward me again, and he looked physically pained. “Please. Don’t step back from me again. I know I made a mistake to push you away without telling you what was happening. Please don’t—”

  “It’s not just this, Lorne.” I ran my hands down my face as I tried to shove away my anger. He had to understand—I had to make him understand—why this wasn’t going to work. Even if it hurt both of us.

  The ringing in my ears was gone, but now a sickening rock was settling in my stomach. “I thought things would change after the tournament. I thought—hey, I passed their test. I showed them my fao’ana, which are supposed to mark me as your equal. But if they’re taking it to this extreme, then I only made it worse. I think that—”

  “No.” He stepped toward me again. “You’re not seeing the full picture. You don’t—”

  “I am. I really am. I think—” I tried to talk over him, but something I felt made me stop.

  “No. You’re not seeing, or if you are, you’re not understanding. You scared them at the tournament. They thought they could just push you aside, and in doing so, they could keep me from the throne. But now they know they can’t do that. You have the fao’ana to rule. And if you ruled, they knew that there would be no way out of the war. The only way to keep the peace in their mind is to kill you. And if that doesn’t work, they’ll come for me next.”

  Come for him next? They wouldn’t. They couldn’t. He was the only one who could lead. They couldn’t be that stupid. Could they?

  With that, the anger was gone. I was okay with them coming after me. It was expected even. I was used to it. But him? Why would anyone go after him? He was perfect. He was their true king.

  I stared up at him. “You really think they’d come after you?”

  “Absolutely.”

  I didn’t see that at all. There was no way they’d come after him. They talked about him like he was their Goddess’s gift to them.

  “No. I know what you’re thinking. That they love me, all while villainizing you. But you’re not taking into account who controls the media—my father. He’s a lazy, narcissistic man who loves his power. In you, he sees himself losing power. He sees it from me, too, but you’re an easier target. He can point a finger at you and say—see. She’s to blame for everything that’s coming. When it’s all his fault.”

  If what he was saying was true, then his father was worse than I’d thought. “You think he did this? You think your father bombed our house.”

  He shoved his hands into his pockets as if to stop himself from reaching for me again. “Not directly. Not a chance. But one of his supporters absolutely did it. He’s made a lot of people very rich by placating SpaceTech.” He shook his head slowly. “There are a lot of reasons—all fueled by power and money—that we didn’t get to Earth in time to stop their Liberation Week. There are a lot of reasons we didn’t do anything about any life lost between now and then, but with you here, they all know I will take my rightful place. That means we have a fight ahead of us, and not everyone wants to fight. They want you dead because they think that will stop me from taking my place, and that means they can stay safe on Sel’Ani. All their investments will be unharmed by the realities of war. And that means they will kill you to control me. If I wasn’t such a selfish asshole, I’d put you on a ship and tell you to leave and never look back. But I can’t do it. I can’t do it.”

  His fao’ana lit, and he closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath. I knew he was struggling for control, but I wasn’t sure how to help him or what to say.

  After a minute, he opened his eyes. “Give me six months. You’ve been gone thirteen years. Just give me six months to prove to you that the Aunare are worth fighting for. That I’m worth staying for.”

  “What’s six months going to do?” I honestly didn’t see anything changing.

  “I don’t have the crown yet, but I will soon. Once I do, I think you’ll see how biased a view you’ve been seeing. Not everyone hates you. It’s only a small percentage that worry about your ability to rule. We were at about forty percent approval before the tournament. Now, we’re more like eighty. Probably more. The people that will always dislike you are a very powerful two percent, but that’s nothing. It’s nothing. The rest of us want you here.”

  I wasn’t sure I believed him. That’s not how it seemed on any channels. Not even my underground channels—although those were all Earther-based. Could I be wrong? I didn’t think so, but he had me questioning myself.

  He stepped toward me again, and this time, I didn’t step back.

  “The scary thing is that if you left, I don’t think I could stay. I know that’s really unfair of me. I would like to think that I could let you leave and fight this war alone and let you have a long life in peace. But I can’t be apart from you again. I’m not marrying anyone else. I’m not ruling alone. I just—I don’t think I can do it alone. It’s too much. Even for me. I need a partner.” He paused and took in a breath. His face went still as stone, and it was as if he were preparing for a blow. “If you don’t want me, then that’s another thing entirely.”

  He was pissing me off. This wasn’t about wanting him or not. This was about the house getting bombed and him locking me up.

  I turned away from him and started down the tunnel again.

  “Do you?” He was keeping stride beside me.

  I kept stomping my way toward the exit. “Do I what?”

  He gripped my arm and pulled me to a stop beside him. “Want to marry me?”

  I laughed, but it wasn’t funny. I wasn’t even sure why I was laughing. He couldn’t be asking me that. Not now. Not today. “Lorne. Please! I can’t breathe down here. I don’t know what I want except to get out.” The walls of the tunnels were crushing me. I kept moving down them, but Lorne stayed beside me.

  His wrist unit flashed, he glanced down and sighed.

  He seemed resigned and a little sad. “What?”

  “The people responsible today—or I should say two of them—are being brought in for questioning. One is ready now. The other will be here in twenty minutes.”

  I yanked on his arm and stopped walking. “You’re interrogating the people who tried to kill me here? Today?” I dropped his arm when he stopped next to me.

  He nodded. “I will be in about twenty minutes or so. They’re bringing her in now.”

  I took a breath and asked for something I needed. “You’re going to do something for me right now.”

  “All right.” His spine went stiff, and he wiped his face clean of all emotion. It was like he was trying to hide some hurt, and maybe I should’ve answered his question now, but I didn’t trust myself to give him an honest answer.

  I was feeling mean and mad enough to say no. Just because.

  But that wasn’t the right answer. It wasn’t the one in my heart.

  I wanted to say yes—I really did—because I wasn’t sure that I could leave anymore. Not ever sleeping in the same bed with him again… I wasn’t sure I’d survive that.

  But I couldn’t say that, not unless I was ready t
o follow through on it. And I wasn’t there yet.

  I met his gaze and stepped toward him. “You’re going to do something for me,” I said again. “And we’ll forget that this little locking-me-up thing ever happened. But you’re never, ever going to do it again. For any reason. Ever. Are we clear?”

  If I hadn’t been watching for it, I wouldn’t have noticed the hitch in his breath. “We’re clear. What’s the price of forgiveness?”

  “If someone out there wants me dead, then I want to know why. I need this. I need to feel safe, and part of that is understanding what’s going on around me. And if this person wants me dead, then I want to be there to find out why.”

  “I thought you weren’t sure about ruling?” He tilted his head and narrowed his gaze, as if that would help him see inside my head. “Because this feels like a step in that direction.”

  “No. It’s a step in the taking-care-of-myself direction. Someone blew up my room. I need to know who hates me and why. I want to know what’s going on with SpaceTech.” I jabbed my finger at him. “You’ll get your six months, but you better treat me as an equal. If you’re not hiding in a fucking bunker, then you better not shove me in one either. You got that?”

  “I got that.” He huffed. “Very clearly, but I need one thing in return.”

  I guessed we were negotiating now. I crossed my arms. “You don’t think you’re already getting a good deal?”

  He grinned. “Oh no. I’m getting a great one. You’re going to try your hand at ruling with me, you’re staying, and soon I’m going to convince you to stay forever.” His smile faded, and I was scared about what he might ask next. “We can’t go through another night like last night. Why did you have nightmares? What triggered you?”

  I hadn’t been expecting that, but I guessed he had a right to know. Especially since he was up all night with me. “A lot of things.” So many that I didn’t think I could boil it down to one thing.

  “Then tell me some.”

  “The news. The hatred. The uncertainty in what might be happening. A lack of information. A lack of—”

  “Okay. I understand.” He closed the distance between us, and suddenly, I was surrounded by the safety of his arms. “You need more control or you won’t get better. You’ll keep getting triggered until you get your power back. It was stolen from you for so long, and I thought I was helping. But I’ve been doing this all wrong. I keep thinking I know what to do, but it’s always wrong. I’m sorry.”

  His lips brushed the top of my head, and I leaned against him—finally wrapping my arms around him.

  He ran his fingers through my hair. “I made a mistake by leaving you with Declan. I thought you needed time to decide how much and what you wanted to take on before I gave you any information.”

  Was that really it? Could it be that simple?

  Yes. I couldn’t put it into words, but he had. “I think that might be exactly it,” I muttered against his chest. Knowing what was messing me up really helped. “I need control.”

  “Come to the interrogation with me, but I have to warn you that the woman who planted the bomb is an ex of mine.”

  My mouth dropped open. I knew it had to have been someone familiar with the house and our routine, but not someone who worked here. Every one of the staff here knew that I’d been sleeping in Lorne’s suite for days. But that it was an ex of his? “Awkward. And drama.”

  “You’re not jealous?” Lorne looked a little disappointed.

  I stepped back from him. “Wait. Please tell me it’s that blonde bitch who talked trash about me on the news this morning?”

  “It is.” He winced. “And she was lying. I hope you know that I’m not canceling our betrothal ever. I—”

  “You just asked me to marry you.” This man killed me. “I’m very aware that you’re not canceling anything.”

  He moved quickly then. I wasn’t sure how it happened. One second I was standing in front of him, the next my back was against the wall and his hands were on either side of my head.

  “Sometimes you say things that are sarcastic and funny and make my heart feel happy and heavy and I want you.”

  I looked up at him. “What?” He was talking faster than I could process.

  He kissed the side of my neck. “I want you. You’re in my bed every night, and I want you.” A sharp sting of pain hit me as he bit my neck, but then he licked the spot and I went boneless.

  His arms came around me. “I want you. Say yes. Say you’ll stay with me forever. Say you’ll marry me.”

  “Lorne.” I wasn’t sure if I was laughing or crying. “You’re not fighting fair.”

  “Who said anything about fighting fair?” He was doing that thing with his voice, and it was making me crazy.

  “Lorne. You can’t seduce me into saying yes,” I said the words, but I wasn’t sure I believed them.

  He leaned back and gave me a grin that I was learning meant that he was being a little bit bad. “Would seducing you work? Because I could really, really get into that plan.”

  Shit. It would totally work.

  It took everything in me to shove him away and turn toward the exit again. I could almost see the door out of the tunnels, and I started moving.

  “Fine. I’ll play nice. For now,” he said as he kept stride next to me. “Have you interrogated anyone before?”

  Thank god he was playing nice because I wasn’t sure I could say no to anything Lorne wanted when he was in seduction mode. So, I kept walking, even though every part of me ached for him. “No.” My voice came out airy, and I cleared my throat. “But I did some training techniques with the Crew, and I’ve been interrogated. I figure that’s kind of the same thing.”

  “I guess it’s similar.” He was quiet for a second, and I wasn’t sure what he was thinking about. “You need to change clothes. Wear something sexy.”

  “Excuse me?” That wasn’t what I’d expected at all.

  “If she did this because of jealousy, then that could help throw her off. And eat something first. I don’t want you to pass out. You spent a long time in the gym after a night of no sleep. There’s no rush. She can sweat in the room for a bit.”

  We reached the exit, and Lorne grabbed my hand and tugged me hard enough that I stumbled into him. He wrapped his arms around me, and his chin rested on my head. It took a second for me to relax into his hold.

  “I’m so glad you weren’t in that room. I know I panicked. I know I did something so stupid by having Eshrin haul you away, but I just need you to be okay. I can’t lose you again.”

  Pulling away from Lorne was physically painful, but I wanted to see him.

  A dark strand of hair fell into his face as he looked down at me, and I brushed it away. “I’m going to be okay. It might take some time, but I’ll figure it out. I always do. But you have to trust me to be able to take care of myself. I’m Amihanna di Aetes. I never give up. Not ever.”

  His skin lit—just like mine did when he said my name—showing me the depth of his emotions. He bent down slowly. His lips whispered against mine, just a there-and-gone touch, but something deep inside of me relaxed. Something I couldn’t identify. Something terrifying and amazing.

  And in that tiny piece of a second, I realized that if Lorne ni Taure really, truly kissed me, I might never be the same.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  LORNE

  While Amihanna was showering and eating, I went to find out the latest, but Solan didn’t have anything yet. He asked for more time, and I’d have to give it to him. But I needed something soon. I had to know exactly how that bomb made it through our gates.

  Solan was one of my oldest friends, and it would break something inside me if I found that he was against Amihanna. Against me.

  My fao’ana were active—specifically the deadly one—and I knew that if one more thing happened, I wasn’t sure I could stay calm. Goddess take it all. Nea was right. I was back to breathing exercises like a child, but I couldn’t help it. I was so angry and d
isappointed in my own people that I wasn’t sure I’d be able to rule anymore.

  They’d attacked my home. Attacked my shalshasa. I wasn’t sure I should stay calm anymore. The Aunare had forgotten what I was as much as they’d forgotten what Amihanna was.

  But we’d remind them.

  I paced the hallway in the security wing, waiting for her, trying to scrape together some calm, but I couldn’t. Not today. Not after I’d messed up so badly. Amihanna wanted to leave again, and I felt like I was one mistake away from losing her forever. The stress and anger were building up to a toxic storm inside me, and there was no way I could get control.

  Seri was on her way, and I was probably going to have to interrogate her. But I’d have to do that without killing her first, and I wasn’t sure how I’d be able to pull that off.

  Seri di Sopoyan came from a long line of politicians. Her father was one of my father’s dearest friends, which in retrospect should’ve been a massive warning sign, but she said she hated her father as much as I hated mine. It was the first thing we bonded over. The second was that she seemed to understand my situation. Not just the responsibility of my position but the ins and outs of my life and why I would never break my betrothal contract until Amihanna was home.

  Seri never complained. She never brought up marriage or even anything remotely political. She was a bright light in all those boring events that I was required to attend. The woman always had something funny to say about the people we talked to while also knowing how to put up a kind, diplomatic front in even the most awkward situations. Which was pretty frequent at some of the dinners we went to.

  Being with her had been easy, and I needed easy.

  Seri even took the break-up with a calm acceptance that made me feel like the worst kind of man. I revoked her status to the estate, and I knew I’d hurt her, but it had to be done. I couldn’t have an ex wandering around whenever Amihanna finally arrived.

  I was an idiot for not seeing Seri for what she really was. She could’ve cost me everything.

  Amihanna and Roan appeared at the end of the hall, but all I could see was Amihanna.