Pieces of Me

by Jacquie Underdown

  ‘Thank you. So much.’

  He shrugged. ‘I’m glad I was here.’

  ‘Me too.’

  He was silent for a long moment, breathed deeply, then asked, ‘Want to tell me about it?’

  I sighed. I guess Bear was involved now. Perhaps he had a right to know what he was dealing with.

  ‘You’ve left the guy?’

  I nodded. ‘I … I didn’t tell him. I didn’t have the guts to tell him I was leaving him. I just left.’ I waited for the chiding. For him to tell me I was spineless.

  But he said, ‘It got that bad?’

  I widened my eyes, shocked by his … understanding. ‘Yeah. It did.’

  ‘How long were you with him?’

  My stomach churned, my cheeks heated. ‘Six years. Since I was sixteen. He was in my grade at school.’

  ‘Did he hit you, Hannah?’

  My heart thudded deep in my chest. His questions were so direct and I was embarrassed by my answers. I didn’t class myself as someone who would put up with an abuser, but the fact that I had stayed with him meant I was that someone. I did put up with it. With him.

  ‘There was a time on my prom night …’ I stopped and breathed in deeply. ‘But he didn’t do anything like that again until about seven months ago.’

  ‘He hit you?’

  I nodded. ‘I guess it was my fault. I provoked him—’

  Bear shook his head. ‘Hannah, it’s not your fault. A man should never hit a woman. Ever.’

  I know that. Don’t I?

  Tears welled again, but I blinked quickly and pursed my lips together. ‘I think deep down he loves me. Most of the time he was kind. As long as I didn’t do anything wrong.’

  Bear’s jaw was tight. ‘What did he consider wrong?’

  I looked away. ‘Talking to men. Any man. Even shop assistants at the supermarket or bakery. Not folding his underwear neatly. Not making the bed to his standard. Laughing at something he didn’t think was funny.’

  When I looked at him again, Bear’s nostrils were flared. I held my breath, waiting for him to ask why I stayed with someone like that for so long. Why I was so stupid to put up with it.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Hannah.’

  I parted my lips and shook my head. ‘It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have stuck around for so long.’

  He ruffled a hand through his dark hair. ‘Hannah … guys like him, I’ve seen them in action. They’re so manipulative. They twist everything until you think it’s your fault they’re angry. Your fault they’re calling you names. Your fault they’re hitting you. They alter your reality. Your self-perception. Your confidence.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  He scoffed. ‘My mother was a magnet for men like that. They seem to sniff out anyone with a little vulnerability.’

  ‘I … I’m sorry,’ I said.

  He shook his head. ‘It was hard until I was big enough to fight back.’

  I thought of what Gran had said about the apple not falling far from the tree. Was this what she was talking about?

  An engine sounded outside, followed by the crackle of gravel under tyres. Every muscle turned rigid. Bear very calmly placed his tea on the coffee table, stood, and looked out the window. He turned back to me shaking his head, a sardonic smile on his face.

  ‘He went to the police. Can you believe it?’

  I frowned and sighed. ‘I can.’

  He marched to the door and opened it. I sat my tea down and joined him at the entry; it wasn’t fair that he dealt with my problems for me.

  The police officer, with his crisp blue uniform, a fit man of about fifty with a greying moustache, walked up the front stairs. But he wasn’t solemn like I was anticipating. He was smiling. And so was Bear.

  ‘Bear, my boy. Fancy running into you.’

  Bear laughed, held his arms out for this man and they hugged, slapping each other on the back. ‘Good to see you, Serg.’

  I narrowed my eyes as I watched this interaction.

  The police officer turned his gaze to me and his smile faded. ‘Hannah?’

  I nodded.

  ‘I’m Sergeant Michaels. Do you mind if I come in?’

  I shook my head and stepped out of the way.

  ‘Bear. You’re involved in this too, so take a seat for me. This won’t take long.’

  I resumed my seat in the armchair while Sergeant and Bear sat together on the three seater. My stomach was a tangle of knots. The sergeant put his elbows on his knees and looked around the place. His mouth was drawn into a deep frown; a crease lingered between his brows.

  He breathed in deeply and when he breathed out, it sounded shaky. Bear put a hand on Sergeant’s shoulder and patted twice.

  Sergeant raised his head and strained a smile, but his eyes were glistening. ‘Sorry,’ he said, voice cracking. ‘Being here … reminds me so much of her.’ His last words were a whisper, broken by tears.

  His grief was kindling for my own store of emotion, which burned in my chest. ‘You knew Gran?’

  He wiped at his face and sniffled. ‘Yeah, Hannah. She was my wife.’

  I blinked. Blinked again. Then shook my head. ‘Pardon?’

  ‘She was my wife.’

  I smiled. ‘I would’ve known something like that. I …’ Should have known something like that. Why didn’t she tell me?

  I looked at Sergeant again—at his pained face and kind eyes, wet and red from tears.

  I stood and wiped my palms on my shorts. ‘I don’t know what’s going on here. I thought you were here because of All—’

  ‘I am.’ He gestured for the chair. ‘Please, take a seat, Hannah. We need to talk this through.’

  I sat back down. My head was reeling.

  ‘I loved Jocey with all my heart. We married about eight years ago. I was with her right till the end.’

  I shook my head. ‘But I came to visit. You weren’t here. She didn’t even mention you.’

  ‘She wanted time alone with you to say goodbye. I’m not one to get in the way of that.’

  ‘Why wasn’t I told about you marrying?’

  He rubbed his brow and frowned. ‘I think that’s a question for your mother to answer.’

  I’d have better luck getting answers from a rock. I couldn’t pin down a thought, they were scattered all over the place, and guilt sat deep in my stomach like a brick, weighing me down. I couldn’t reconcile Grandma’s generosity with my decade of absence already. And now hearing that she had married Sergeant and still gave her inheritance to me, was bewildering.

  ‘She was too good to me,’ I whispered.

  ‘She loved you very much,’ said Sergeant.

  ‘What type of granddaughter am I? I never even saw her. She didn’t tell me she re-married.’ My throat was so tight; I could barely talk, nor draw a breath. ‘She shouldn’t have left me this house. The money. If you were married, then it’s rightfully yours. Not mine.’

  Sergeant leant closer and put a hand on my knee. ‘Hannah. I have my own home and my own money. She wanted you to have a safe place to come to. For a young girl like yourself, that’s not easy to make happen. This was her way of making sure you were okay and I supported her. Hell, I helped her change her Will.’

  My chest was squeezing, tears rolling down my cheeks.

  ‘Bear, can you grab Hannah some tissues please?’

  Bear was already on his feet and heading for the kitchen. He was back in no time, handing me some tissues. I wiped at my cheeks, then blew my nose. What a morning this was turning out to be.

  When Bear was seated again, Sergeant sighed. ‘Whenever you want to have a chat, just you and me, I’ll be here. We can grab a coffee together and we can talk about all of this.’

  I nodded, still dazed at the news. What else didn’t I know about Grandma? How much had I missed over the years?

  He breathed heavily out through his nose. ‘So a very angry Allister McPherson dropped into the station today.’

  I flinched hearing his name.


  Sergeant turned to Bear. ‘I’m assuming you’re the abusive Neanderthal?’

  Bear lifted his hand in the air and laughed. ‘The one and only.’

  A small smile crept onto Sergeant’s lips. ‘Despite his legal mumbo jumbo speech, he doesn’t have a case. He was trespassing. He was threatening the owner of the property. And, Bear, you were civilly trying to remove the threat from the property. That’s the way I see it.’

  Bear nodded.

  ‘Thank goodness,’ I breathed, hand on my chest.

  ‘He’s all talk, Hannah. The world is full of dickheads who think they can baffle you with bullshit. When he said he wanted to press charges—what charges he thought he could press is beyond me. I pulled his file and told him I’d have to take his record of domestic violence into account. Asked if his employer would like that publicity?’ He looked down at his hands, smirking. ‘I knew that would come in handy.’

  My eyes widened. ‘You knew about that?’

  He offered an abashed grin. ‘I’m the one who told Jocey to plead with you to get those injuries on record. If you were ever going to leave that man, you needed some leverage. I see it all the time, these newbie lawyers who think they’re above the law. They’re smart. Too smart for their own good. But they’re also cocky, and can’t see that others may have what we oldies like to call “life experience”.’

  The tears started again. Tears of gratitude for this man who didn’t even know me, yet did what he could to help and protect me. ‘Thank you,’ I said, words barely audible.

  He waved my apology away. ‘Hey, that’s what I do. Now, I don’t think he’ll be hanging around, but just in case he parks himself in a hotel for the night, I’ll send regular patrols past through the evening and into the morning. Meanwhile,’ he said, pulling a card from his pocket, ‘here’s my direct number. Call me any time of the day or night. I live around the corner, so I’m never too far away.’

  I took the card from between his fingers and laid it on the arm rest. ‘Thank you.’

  He stood then. Bear and I joined him.

  ‘I’m sorry to drag you into this,’ I said. ‘And you too, Bear. Gosh, a week in town and I already have the police at my door.’ I strained a smile, but it came out wrong.

  Sergeant smiled and rubbed my arm. ‘Hopefully that’s the end of it and you’ll be able to settle in here now.’

  ‘I hope so too.’

  He let himself out and I watched until he was seated in his car. A kind-hearted man. No wonder Gran fell in love with him.

  I spun to face Bear, trying to blink back tears. The day’s pressures, revelations and unanswered questions were heavy on my shoulders.

  ‘Go change into your swimmers,’ he said. ‘We’re going surfing.’

  My forehead furrowed. ‘What? What about work? I don’t want to get you in trouble.’

  ‘To hell with work. You need the ocean.’ He slapped his chest. ‘I need the ocean.’

  Chapter 14

  Bear

  What happened at Hannah’s was the exact reason I was out of this town. That’s how it went—I’d have long moments where I coped well, then something like this would slam me in the chest with a sledgehammer and I’d lose all my breath and all my bearings. Being here, in Mercy Island, dark shadows waiting on every corner, only made it worse. And for a while, that’s all I’d see—grey. Everything grey. Even my ocean. As though storm clouds had settled overhead, blocking the sunlight and casting the town in its gloom.

  I pulled in at Main Beach, Hannah sitting beside me. She stared out the front window. No real expression. I knew that look—I saw it for so many years each time I looked into a mirror. Where you go inside yourself and view your life on a screen in your mind and wonder every single moment if this was all there was ever going to be.

  ‘Hannah,’ I said, interrupting the silence as I cut the engine.

  She turned to me, focusing her attention.

  ‘I’m sorry for …’ What? The last six years of her life. For Allister. For monsters who block out the sun.

  She shook her head. ‘It’s not your place to have to apologise.’

  I shrugged a shoulder. ‘I know that. I guess, I just … I want to let you know that I understand.’

  A small smile quivered on her lips. ‘Thank you.’

  I reached over to place my hand on hers, but she flinched away. Her gaze met mine, a mixture of fear and apology. I understood that too.

  A tear fell down her cheek. ‘He … he would grab my hair, right here,’ she said, squeezing her ponytail at the back of her head. ‘And he would yank it …’ She stopped and looked out at the ocean again. ‘How dare he come here, Bear? How fucking dare he. This is my town. Gran gave it to me.’

  ‘Aww, Hannah.’ I sighed as I shook my head. ‘I … don’t know what to say.’

  She peered across at me again with her watery blue eyes. They still had colour. Not sure her irises could ever fade to grey. ‘What do you remember of me? When I used to come here on holidays. What do you remember?’

  I wasn’t expecting that question. I thought back to that time, smiled as a memory trickled in. Hannah and Nat out the front of Jocey’s house playing under the sprinkler. They were running and laughing, their clothes and hair soaked through. Wet grass clung to the bottoms of their feet and ankles. So happy. Not a care in the world. I was mesmerised and envious. ‘Happy,’ I said.

  She nodded. ‘Yes. I was.’

  This wasn’t right. Too much hard living crammed into such short lifetimes. Hannah shouldn’t be sitting in a car beside me, worrying about an abusive ex-lover showing up ready to beat the shit out of her. She should be having the best years of her life right now. I should be too.

  And I was. Soon. When I went overseas, I was going to cram as many happy memories as I could into my skull until all the others were so cramped and disgruntled they’d have to shift on out. I hoped Mercy Island would be the same for Hannah.

  I breathed in deeply and forced a smile. If there was one thing I’d learned, it’s that you could let the pain and gloom take over, or you could tell it to fuck off. I preferred the latter.

  ‘Come on, let’s get out there. The waves are decent. But there’s one rule to today’s session.’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘We don’t think about that dead-shit ex of yours.’

  She smiled and nodded. ‘I’ll try my hardest.’

  ‘Good. That’s what I like to hear.’

  Chapter 15

  Hannah

  My stomach dipped, heart raced as the metre high wave chased me. I dug at the cool ocean with quick hands until the swell was upon me. I gripped the side of the board, swung my legs up under me and pushed onto my feet. The wave caught the board and thrust it forward in its embrace.

  I was floating. My veins tingled with the rush of acceleration, the light, bright exhilaration, then the crest rolled and tipped me forward. My balance slipped and I crashed head first into the cool ocean. The wave tumbled above me. My leg tugged as the board fought for the shore. I found the sand below me and pushed up. Standing, I wiped the salt-laden tendrils from my face. The salt stung my eyes and nose, but it wasn’t a bad feeling. Even falling and crashing into the surf made my veins spark. The entire activity filled me with racing adrenaline and balloon-like lightness.

  I pressed my teeth lightly against my bottom lip and smiled as Bear helped pull the board to me. ‘Nearly,’ I said holding my hand up, thumb and finger an inch apart.

  He grinned. ‘Like all things, it takes time.’

  ‘And I feel so bad that I hog your board when we surf together.’

  He waved away my words. ‘I don’t mind. I’m surfing vicariously.’

  I laughed. ‘Either way. I’ve planned to buy my own board.’

  Bear’s eyes widened. ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘I know a great local board maker. Has some quality second-hand boards. Perfect to learn on.’

  ‘Yeah? Where’s that?’ I asked.


  ‘I’ll take you there when we finish here.’

  ‘You don’t mind?’

  He shook his head. ‘No way.’

  I laughed again. He was so expressive. Every crease, eyebrow raise, and lip twist, spoke of his emotions. And though he was an expert at hiding it, I was starting to sense there was a deep, painful past buried inside of him.

  I untied the leg rope and handed it to him. ‘Your turn.’

  He winked. ‘Thanks.’

  I nodded towards the beach. ‘I’m going to watch this from the sideline. I think I’ve swallowed enough salt today.’

  ‘A visual lesson.’

  ‘Exactly.’

  Truthfully, my heart wasn’t in it. I couldn’t focus. The fact that Allister had showed up still sat heavy in my stomach. I was edgy. I kept looking to the shoreline expecting him to be there. It wasn’t right to waste Bear’s time like this.

  I spun to face the shore and stamped over the froth and swell until I was on the dry sand. My towel was a little way up the beach. I sat on it, the breeze drying the wet salt on my flesh. The crash of the surf was in my ears.

  Bear waited on his board as the ocean swelled in the distance. He pressed onto his stomach and paddled, one, two, three big strokes and was on his feet in a second. The sun caught the blue ocean, casting a rainbow through the wave. He was graceful, yet strong as the ocean curled above him and he tried to outrun it.

  I laughed and giggled. Surfing was a game. It wasn’t serious. Wasn’t about anyone or anything else other than you, the ocean and the moment. It epitomised the adventurous spirit of humans. It called to that one state we all craved—freedom.

  Bear made it to the shore and fell into the water, flicking his hair off his face with a quick swing of his head as he rose. He grabbed his board and paddled back out again.

  Late afternoon, Bear pulled into the driveway at my house. He grabbed my new second-hand surfboard from next to his and handed it to me with a chuckle.

  ‘I still can’t believe you bought a pink board.’

  I wiggled my fingers as I reached for it. ‘Gimme gimme.’

  He laughed. ‘At least we won’t get our boards confused.’

  I pulled it to my chest and sighed. I loved this board. It was feminine yet badass. ‘I just hope you don’t get all jealous on me and try to steal it.’