Down from the Cross

by Joyce Livingston

  Using his last bit of strength and holding on to the cross, every ounce of pride he possessed gone, Keene slowly rose to his feet, lifting his eyes heavenward. He stood there a broken man, feeling lower than the lowest and gazing at the empty cross.

  Then, raising his arms high above his head, he called out in a loud voice that boomed out over the microphone, “Father, I’ve sinned against You! I am not worthy to portray Jesus! I can go on with this farce no longer. I am begging for Your forgiveness! Take me, God!”

  A sweet peace came over him as he stood there, and he Knew God had heard cry. He was forgiven. Thank You, Lord. Thank You.

  Relieved and pulling himself together, he turned slowly to face the audience. He had to let those who had not yet asked God to forgive them know that God loved them and allowed Jesus to die on the cross for them, too. They had to know that they, like him, could have eternal life.

  Finally, he moved away from the cross, those in front of him parting. When he reached the front of the big platform, he held out his hands to the stunned audience. “Earlier tonight, someone I love very much reminded me that the Easter story isn’t just an interesting little story filled with symbolism. It is true. Every word of it. It really happened just like you have seen it portrayed here on this stage tonight. She called it the truest love story of all time. And now, thanks to God and His mercy, I know that’s true.”

  He paused and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “God loved us so much He sent His only Son, Jesus, to suffer and die on the cross for sinners like me.” Lifting his hand, he slowly gestured from one side of the audience to the other, pointing his finger. “And sinners like you. Don’t turn your back on Him like I did. This night, I have confessed my sins to Him and asked His forgiveness. I am turning my life over to Him. From this day forth, I am His. I want Him to use me in any way He sees fit.”

  Turning and walking slowly back to the cross, he began to sing with great emotion a song he’d learned by listening to Jane sing it while she worked in his office.

  “On a hill faraway stood an old rugged cross,

  The emblem of suffering and shame;

  And I love that old cross where the dearest and best

  For a world of lost sinners was slain.”

  Kneeling at the cross and wrapping his arms around it, he continued to sing.

  “So I’ll cherish this old rugged cross,

  Till my trophies at last I lay down;

  I will cling to the old rugged cross,

  And exchange it someday for a crown.”

  When he had sung the last word, Pastor Congdon stepped onto the stage and took the microphone offered to him by one of the soloists. “We’ve all seen a miracle here tonight. One of God’s children has come into the fold. Like Keene, I am sure there are many of you who have never surrendered your heart to Christ. Do it now. Do not delay. The Savior is waiting.” He bowed his head as a lone violinist stood and played “Just as I Am.”

  Hundreds of people thronged to the front to accept the invitation as Keene continued to hold on to the cross, weeping his heart out to his God.

  Jane moved up close to him, wrapping her arm around his trembling shoulders.

  Her prayers had been answered.

  Later that night, after closing himself up with Pastor Congdon in his office, Keene drove Jane home. Neither of them could contain their excitement as they discussed the evening’s happenings.

  “How could I have been so blind?” Keene asked, turning his car toward her street. “And stupid?”

  Jane scooted close, as close as the console would allow, and leaned her head on his shoulder. “I don’t know when I’ve ever been this happy, Keene. You have no idea how hard I have prayed for you. I’m sure God got tired of hearing me plead with Him to touch your heart and make you know He’s real.”

  “Your words kept haunting me last night, and I barely got any sleep at all. Then, this evening, when you came into my dressing room—well, your concern for me really got to me.”

  “I didn’t want to upset you, this being your last night to sing, but I wanted so much to see you get right with God before you left Rhode Island.”

  “Jane.”

  “Yes.”

  “I heard you last night, after the performance. I–I didn’t mean to listen while you were praying, but I came back to pick up my briefcase, and there you were.”

  “How… how much did you hear?”

  “All of it.”

  He had to smile when he turned his face from the road long enough to gaze at the rosy blush on her cheeks. “I heard you say you loved me. Did you really mean it when you told that to God?”

  “I–I guess, but I didn’t want you to know.”

  “Why?”

  She sighed. “For three reasons. One, you didn’t believe in God.”

  “I do now.”

  “Two. You’re going to be leaving Providence before long, and I may never see you again.”

  “I think we can work that out. What’s the third reason?” She fidgeted in the seat before answering.

  “Jane…”

  “I knew… I knew you could never love me back. Not really love me, like I love you.”

  Without taking his attention from his driving, he leaned over and kissed the top of her head. “I learned something else tonight.”

  She lifted her eyes to his. “Oh? What?”

  “That I do love you. Really love you.”

  She sat up straight and stared at him, her eyes rounding in surprise.

  “I think I’ve loved you from that first day, but I was too stubborn to see it. You were everything I wasn’t, and you made me feel guilty every time you talked about your God. I knew I was a sinner. I just didn’t want you to know it. You were so pure and godly it scared me to compare myself to you.”

  He pulled the BMW up in front of her apartment house and turned off the engine. “Let’s get out of this car. I want to hold you in my arms, and I sure don’t want to have to crawl over this console.” He hurried around to her side, opened the door, and held out his open arms. Jane ran into them, wrapping her arms around his strong neck when he lifted her and whirled her around. “I love you, Jane Delaney.”

  “I love—” Before she could finish her sentence, his lips sought hers, and he held her close. Feelings of love and adoration tugged at her heart. Keene loved her! He actually loved her!

  “I’ve wanted to kiss you like this for so long,” he murmured. “Oh, I know I’ve kissed you before, but it wasn’t the same.”

  She melded herself to him, reveling in his closeness. “I know. I feel the same way.”

  He smiled down at her. “Remember what you said a couple of nights ago? That you could never have a permanent relationship with a man who didn’t share your faith?”

  She gazed up at him, her heart so full she could barely remember her name. “I–I think so.”

  His finger touching her lip, he gave her a coy smile. “You do realize that now that I’ve made my peace with God, your reason number three is no longer a problem.”

  “Does that mean…”

  “It means I’d like a permanent relationship with you.”

  She eyed him quizzically. “How… how permanent?”

  “Like for the rest of our lives! You know. The ‘M’ word. Marriage. I love you. I want you to be my wife.”

  “Oh, Keene, as much as I’d love to marry you, I can’t. At least, not now. Not yet.” His frown broke her heart. “I’m not sure we would fit into one another’s world.”

  “Jane, my dear, my beloved one, you wouldn’t have to fit into my world. Don’t you see? You are my world.”

  “I love you for saying that, but as much as I love you, I love Christ more. He is my world, my life, my breath. My heart tells me you are the man for me, but my head tells me we have to wait. At least for a while. You’ve just accepted Christ. You know so little of what it means to live for Him. You need time to grow, and we need time together. Time to really get acquainted. I want u
s to read the Bible together, pray together, attend church together. But how would we ever do it? You’re never in one place very long.”

  “I’ll reschedule a number of this year’s singing engagements, and I’ll continue to keep my office in Providence. Then once we’re married, you’ll be able to travel with me. We’ll see the world together.”

  She gave her head a sad shake. “We have another problem. What about my mother? I could never go off and leave her. She’s much too frail to live alone.”

  He appeared thoughtful. “I wouldn’t want you to leave her. Your dedication to those you love is one of the things that first attracted me to you. Not many people are as concerned about their elderly parents as you are. Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. We will work something out when the time comes. After all, she’s going to be my mother, too, when you decide to let me place a wedding ring on your finger.”

  “What about—”

  Pulling her quickly to him, his lips pressed hers, making it impossible for her to finish her sentence. Finally, he moved away, just enough to peer into her eyes. The love she saw there took her breath away. She smiled and was reassured when he smiled back.

  “Do you honestly think God would have brought us together and put this love in our hearts for each other, and for Him, if He hadn’t wanted us to be together?” Cupping her face in his hands, he asked, “Where is your faith, Jane? Or is it that you don’t love me enough to want to spend your life with me?”

  “My faith is strong—stronger than ever now that he has become your Savior, too. Oh, Keene. You will never know how happy it makes me to know you and I share the same faith. God has truly answered my prayers. And love you? I love you so much it hurts. Of course I want to spend my life with you! Let’s just take things slowly, okay?”

  He kissed her again, a sweet, tender kiss that made her fingers tingle and her toes curl. “We’ll do it any way you want it.” His lips still lingering, he kissed her a third time. Finally, he pulled back, his hands going to cup her shoulders, his brow bearing a slight crease. “There’s something I have to tell you. Something I probably should have told you weeks ago.”

  The seriousness in his voice frightened her. What could be that bad? Was he going to tell her he would be leaving for New York sooner than expected? Or that he had a wife in another city?

  “What?”

  “Remember all those appointments I’ve been having lately?”

  She nodded. “Yes, but you never told me what they were.”

  He freed one hand and rubbed at the stubble on his chin. “There was a very definite reason I chose Providence as the place I wanted to spend the months it would take me to learn the new opera. He stared off into space. “I–I…”

  “What, Keene? You can tell me anything. I promise I’ll try not to be upset.”

  He walked away, standing with his back to her and gazing off into the night sky, one hand kneading the muscles of his neck. “By the end of last season, I was beginning to notice periods of hoarseness. I had never had them before. They usually occurred after an exceptionally demanding performance or an unusually heavy practice day. At first I thought it might be a viral infection, but it didn’t stop. I went to several doctors, but even with all the testing they did, nothing showed up, and the only advice they gave me was to get more rest and make sure I ate properly.”

  “But what did that have to do with Providence?”

  “I’m coming to that. My voice is my livelihood. I couldn’t take any chances, so I did some intense research and located a doctor in Rhode Island whose specialty is voice disorders. He was trained at Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center where the Center for Voice Disorders is located, so the guy really knows his stuff. I’ve been working with him since the first week I arrived in Providence.”

  “Has he been able to help you?”

  He turned around, facing her, crossing his long arms over his chest. “At this point, I’m not sure. At least he ruled out throat cancer. He’s already done some pretty extensive testing, but until I finished singing Down from the Cross and could completely rest my voice for several weeks, we couldn’t go ahead with a full laryngoscopy.”

  She stared at him. “A laryngoscopy?”

  “He said by performing a laryngoscopy he would be able to detect certain types of lesions if they were present. Like nodules, cysts, papilloma, leukoplakia, and neoplasm. Wow, that’s a mouthful, isn’t it?”

  “Could that mean surgery?”

  “Maybe, maybe not. Nodules are callouslike masses that form on the vocal folds. He thinks that might be my problem. Though all singers dread them, sometimes asymptomatic vocal nodules don’t seem to cause any singing problems. Usually with nodules, not only do you have hoarseness, but breathiness, loss of range, and vocal fatigue. Other than the little bit of hoarseness, I have had none of those symptoms. I have known many vocalists who had untreated vocal nodules for years and were never bothered by them. The doctor says sometimes, with vocal therapy, they will even shrink or disappear. But—”

  He let out a heavy sigh, and she could tell he was trying to make the best of an extremely difficult situation.

  She looped her arms about his neck. “God is able to perform miracles, Keene. We both know that.”

  “I know. I am counting on it, but I have to admit I was terrified when Dr. Coulter explained all this to me. Now, knowing how much God loves me, well, I can assure you I’m not nearly as frightened as I was.”

  “Was it wise of you to perform in our Easter presentation? And you spent so much time practicing each day, too,” she said with concern now that the full extent of what he had told her had finally sunk in.

  He grinned shyly. “Most of the practicing for the new opera you heard coming from my room wasn’t me practicing at all, but tapes I had prerecorded of myself practicing before I got here. Since I wanted to ease up on my singing, I stayed in my room listening to the tapes and following along with the music score. I practiced my part in Down from the Cross the same way. I recorded it once and then mouthed it over and over until I’d learned the part.”

  “I never knew!”

  “That’s what I was counting on. I didn’t want you to worry about me.” Taking both her hands in his, he gave them a loving squeeze. “When you came to me, asking me to take Jim Carter’s place, I didn’t want to have to tell you no. And I certainly didn’t want to tell you what I would be facing in the future. I knew if I did, you would never allow me to sing the part of Jesus, and I wanted to sing that part, not just for you, but also for myself. I had never done anything quite like it, and I thought the experience would be a good professional stretch for me. Dr. Coulter said that since I would only be singing several songs and my speaking parts would be limited, it would not hurt to put both the resting period and tests off until after Easter. So it looks like I’m going to be in Providence for a while after all.”

  “I was so afraid you’d leave right away.”

  “You do realize the laryngoscopy may show there are other problems, problems that could be even more serious than a simple node. I don’t even want to talk about those, but I do want you to be prepared, sweetheart. There is always the possibility that Dr. Coulter will discover something that will require extensive surgery. If that happens, Jane—”

  She held her breath.

  “If that happens, I may never be able to sing again. The vocal cords and folds are easily damaged during surgery. There are no guarantees.” He blinked and swallowed hard. “My career would be over, and I’d be washed up. Out of a job. I would have to start all over again. Learn a new trade.” His finger idly traced her cheek, his expression one of sadness. “Never be able to sing to my wife.”

  Jane couldn’t help but gasp. Never be able to sing again? Oh, dear Father. No! Surely, You won’t let this happen to Keene!

  “Other than my doctor, you’re the only one I’ve told. My agent doesn’t even know.”

  She had to do something, say something, to comfort him. Forcing a smi
le, she cradled his face in her hands and kissed his lips. “Oh, my darling, don’t you know? It’s not your voice I love. It’s you! We’ll see this thing through together, and no matter what the outcome, God will take care of us. You’ll see.”

  “I know that’s true, my sweet, sweet Jane. I am at peace about this whole thing now. I have put it in God’s hands. I am trusting in Him and His promises. I want His perfect will for my life. Even… even if it means giving up singing.”

  “He’s able to do above all we could ever ask. We have to trust Him.”

  “I know that now. With God in control of my life and you at my side, I can face anything. I know very little about the things of God. It’s all new to me, but I want to learn everything about God and His Word. I am sure there will be times I will need your strength and encouragement to help me through, Jane, but I want to be strong for you—the husband you deserve. With God’s help, I will be.”

  “I will be at your side, Keene, for as long as I live. God intended a wife to be a helpmeet to her husband. He will never leave you, and neither will I.”

  “Does that mean you love me enough to want to spend the rest of your life as my wife? That there’ll be a wedding in our future?”

  She gazed up into his eyes, her heart crowding her chest with love for this man. The man she would have dared not believe could one day love her as much as she loved him. “Oh, yes, my dearest. Loving you and knowing you love me is a dream come true.”

  “For me, too, Jane. I can’t praise God enough for bringing you into my life.”

  epilogue

  Jane Moray sat twisting the lovely diamond wedding band on the ring finger of her left hand. “Mom, can you believe it’s been almost a year since our wedding day?”