by Toni Aleo
It doesn’t, though.
Not even kind of.
He’s playing on repeat. Every touch, every word he spoke. The way he looked into my eyes and told me I was gorgeous. Everything. I can’t shake it, and why should I? I feel good. Great, even.
Shrugging my shoulders, I lift my guitar before I cross my legs and lay it across my lap. The words are practically begging to leave my body. Ready to pour out of me, so I quickly reach for my notebook and pen. The melody is there; I feel it. Soon I throw the pen back down and start strumming a soft little tune. It’s nothing I’ve ever played before, and it’s utterly beautiful. At least, I think so.
Pausing, I switch my computer on before turning on my audio recorder. Hitting record, I play the tune again, humming ever so lightly to the strings I play. Closing my eyes, I replay the tune over and over again, until finally, the words just fall from my lips.
I can feel him.
Still feel him.
All over me.
Inside of me.
A feeling.
Just a feeling.
Or is it more.
’Cause I can’t shake.
What I’m feeling.
These thoughts.
These feelings.
What am I supposed to do?
I don’t know.
But I’m obsessed with you.
Oh. Wow. I love that.
Hitting stop, I replay it, writing down everything I sang, and holy crap, I love it. I’m fucking awesome. Hitting play again, I listen while a wide grin spreads across my lips. I’ve never felt so free in my life. That’s what writing does to me. It takes me to a whole other universe, one where I am awesome and my lyrics, my melodies change lives. Or at least, my life. Moving my fingers down the strings, I start the next verse, and without realizing it, it’s three hours later and I have a full song.
A song about Jace.
The planes of his body, the way he makes me feel, and the fact I am totally and utterly obsessed with everything about him. I can still recall the dip between his pecs, and the way his bottom left ab is more prominent than his right. The way his arms basically wrapped around me like a python when he held me, and how his lips, even with the beer on them, felt like every single Ed Sheeran song I know and love.
Looking down at the song I haven’t named yet, all I see is Jace.
What does this mean? And how did this happen? How did I meet someone who captivates me to the point of inspiration? And what do I do with this? I have no clue, but before I can dwell on it much longer, the door flings open and Mekena is looking at me.
“Well, I guess it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know you got laid last night, considering you’re wearing Jace Sinclair’s hoodie.”
Looking down at the bright teal hoodie, I smile. It still smells like him. I don’t know the cologne, but I want to bathe in it, it smells so freaking good. The hoodie is huge and warm, kind of like Jace’s arms. Realizing that Mekena is waiting for an answer, I look up and shrug, a grin curving my lips.
“Yeah, I have nothing for ya.” I give her a wink and she laughs.
“Whatever. Where is my report?” she gushes, jumping on my bed and pinning me with a look. “You promised!”
Giggling, I look down, running my fingers along the strings of my guitar. “Big, big, and big.”
Soon, she is giggling so hard, her face turns red as she falls back onto my bed, covering her eyes. “Oh my God! I can’t believe you did it. He is so dreamy.”
Looking down at the strings, I move my finger along each one slowly as thoughts of him flood every single one of my senses. “He is.”
“So it was great?” She shoots up, her eyes trained on me, waiting for the answer.
“Oh God, yes.” A shiver runs through me and I can’t wipe the grin off my face. “I can’t remember the last time I felt like this.”
I can. But I’m not telling Mekena that lot of crazy.
“Argh! I’m so jealous,” she yells, falling back on my bed, letting her legs and arms fall once more as she pouts. “I got drunk and threw up on Markus’s feet. Skylar took me back to her apartment. Failure!”
Holding in my laughter, I say, “That blows.”
“Yeah,” she agrees, sitting up and shaking her head. “Unlike you, who gets laid by one of the hottest dudes on campus.”
My cheeks turn red as I lay my guitar against my desk. But before I can even move to go toward the shower, she pins me with a look. “So what are you gonna do? Did you guys, like, exchange numbers? Are you gonna hook up again?”
Standing up, I pull his hoodie off before throwing it on the bed and holding my hands up. “Whoa, too many questions. Getting whiplash here.”
“Avery!”
Grinning, I shrug. “I don’t know. Really,” I add when her lips press together in a “come on” kind of way.
“Was he into it? Me and Skylar thought he was. The way he was looking was intense. Sky said she’s only seen that look when Jude met Claire. And you see how that went down.”
Biting into my lip, I turn to my closet before taking off my shirt and bra, reaching for my towel to wrap around myself. I don’t know much about Jace’s brother and his wife, but apparently they were the epitome of love, given the way everyone talks about them. Knowing they saw how he was looking at me kind of solidifies how I feel. Like it really was as real as I hoped it was, and that leaves me breathless.
Looking over my shoulder, I meet her gaze and smile. “Yeah, he was into it.”
“And, are you?”
“Yeah,” I admit before turning. I don’t know how honest I want to be with Mekena. I’ve only known her for a few weeks, and I know we are friends and roommates, but how much do I want to open up to her? I’ve never really had a girlfriend. I’ve never really had friends at all. Hence, why when Caleb and I broke up, I didn’t know that I could get over him. That it was okay to let go and not beg to fix whatever the problem was.
But you can’t fix a dude who doesn’t want you.
Learned that the hard way.
But that is in the past, and I am not that person.
“I’m just a little freaked out, you know?”
Her face scrunches up in confusion. “No. I don’t. If Jace Sinclair wanted me, I’d be naked so quick with no second thoughts at all.”
Her deadpan expression makes me grin as I shake my head. “To me, he’s just a guy who has me feeling things I’ve never really felt before. I mean, I’ve spent all night and morning in bed with him, wrapped up like a pretzel, and I still want more. I mean, Mekena, I’m craving him.” Heat shoots straight between my legs and I close my eyes, inhaling a deep breath. “That scares me.”
When I open my eyes, Mekena’s mouth is parted and her eyes are wide. “Scares you? Shit, I’m pretty sure I need to give you another minute.”
Rolling my eyes, I shake my head. “It’s intense.”
“Um, yeah… I mean, holy shit, I’m so jealous of you.”
“Focus!” I yell then, laughter in my voice. “He is everything I don’t want.”
Her brows slam together as she holds my gaze. “How in the world is Jace something you don’t want?”
“He’s a hockey player. I hate hockey.”
“What? Doesn’t your whole family play hockey?”
I shrug. “Yeah, and because of that damn sport, I was never enough.”
Her face is still scrunched up. “That’s a dumb reason not to like someone.”
Annoyed, I glare. “I never said I didn’t like him, I do. It’s just… I don’t want that distraction.”
Whistling, she shakes her head. “Jace would be the best distraction, I tell you what.”
Rolling my eyes, I decide I’m getting nowhere with this girl. She doesn’t see him the way I do. She sees him as some kind of idol, untouchable and all that jazz. I’ve been with him and, yeah, he’s great and I want more, but something is holding me back.
Something that haunts me daily.
Which reminds me, I need to tak
e my meds.
Going to my nightstand, I reach for the bottles that hold my pills and open them like I have been doing for the last three years. As each pill hits my palm, they are a reminder of what I did when I was a young girl of fifteen. A pitiful, attention-seeking girl who loved a boy who didn’t love her. I want to say I don’t need the little pills, but I know I do. I don’t have the urge much, but I know that at any moment, it could happen again.
At least, that’s what my therapist says.
I can feel Mekena watching me. She does that a lot, and I know she wants to know what I take. Yet, she hasn’t asked. I have my excuse all prepared, just waiting for her to ask. I’m nowhere near ready to share my demons with her, and to be honest, I doubt she could handle it.
“So,” she starts and I close my eyes as I wash down the pills with some water.
Here we go.
“We’re friends, right?”
Looking over at her, I hold my towel tightly to me as I set my water bottle back down. “Yeah. Of course.”
“Okay, I know you are frustrated about the whole Jace thing. I’m sorry. With him, I see a totally hot guy I wish would look at me even a little like he looked at you last night. That doesn’t help you and I know that, but I think you should do what makes you happy. If fooling around with Jace Sinclair does that, then who cares about all the details? If being with him, like, hard-core makes you happy? Do it. Just do what makes you happy.”
Okay. Not what I thought she was going to say, but I appreciate her advice.
“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.”
“I know it’s more than you let on, but I hope I helped a bit.”
I nod. “It is and you have. It’s just I don’t want to make mistakes I’ve made in the past.”
“I get that.” She nods her head toward my medicine. “Is that why you take those?”
I can only blink. “What?”
“I looked up the meds because I’m a worrywart, I guess. And I’m thinking that the mistakes you made have something to do with the fact you take antidepressants and antianxiety medication.”
I can still only blink at her. “You looked up my meds?”
“Yeah, I had to make sure you didn’t have AIDS or something that might be contagious. I mean, I’m living with you. I can’t get sick; I have things to do.”
That makes me laugh as I shake my head. She’s so practical and I can’t be mad. She didn’t do it to be nosy. She was actually worried; I can see it on her face. But soon it is replaced with panic as she holds her hands up.
“I’m sorry I invaded your privacy—”
“It’s fine,” I say, waving her off. “No big deal.”
Relieved, she nods. “But if you need anything, someone to talk to, I’m here. That’s what friends are for.”
Where was she three years ago?
As my eyes fill with tears, I nod before turning to head to the bathroom.
“You don’t have to tell me what happened, but know I’m here for you, Avery, and I’ll listen.”
Looking back at her, I send her a smile. “Oh, I won’t, but thank you.”
Tearing my gaze from her shocked one, I shut the door behind me and close my eyes as I lean against it. A stray tear rolls down my cheek, and I quickly wipe it away before dropping my towel. As another tear slides down my face, over my jaw, and onto my breast, I undo my pants and kick them and my panties up against the door. I don’t know why I’m crying, or even why I’m annoyed. I’m not sure if it’s because of all these things I’m feeling for Jace and I don’t know what to do with them, or if it’s because I wish I’d had someone like Mekena all those years ago. Maybe then I wouldn’t have felt like I was completely alone, with no hope left.
When I move to turn the shower on, my reflection catches my attention, and soon, I’m turning to look at my naked body.
I used to love my body.
But I don’t now.
Well, I love almost all my body, except for my thighs.
And not for a girlie stupid reason.
I wish it were cellulite that covered my thighs.
That could be acceptable, even normal, but I don’t have that.
No, I have the scars of all the pain caused by him.
Scars made by me.
“So you don’t know her last name?”
Markus looks at me dubiously as I search Skylar’s friends list for my little nightmate. It has become my mission to find out everything I can about Avery. I know, stalker alert, but it’s like I’m infatuated with her. I have to know everything. I wish I had gotten her number earlier, but I was still recovering from the kiss and the overwhelming feelings that I did nothing but stare at her.
I’m paying for that now.
“Obviously not,” I answer, getting frustrated since Skylar has like a million friends. “I didn’t ask that when I had my tongue down her throat.”
“And you didn’t get her number?”
I shoot him a deadpan look. “No, man.”
“Wow, your game is nonexistent.”
“Fuck off,” I yell, throwing the nearest thing I can grab at him. To his dismay, it’s the Xbox controller.
“Ow! Asshole.”
“Shut up, then,” I say simply, still scrolling through Skylar’s friends. “Jesus, she has a billion friends, I swear.”
“Who, Skylar?” he asks, trying to see my phone.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t think she’s friends with Skylar. She’s roommates with her sister. Missy? Michelle?”
Dropping my phone to my lap, I think for a second. It was the cute chick with them last night, not that I remember much about her since I was zeroed in on Avery. What was her name? “Madison?”
“No. Mary?”
“Really, dude? No. McKenzie?”
“Mekena!” Markus yells and I nod.
“That’s right,” I say, typing in her name and going to her page.
“She threw up on my shoes last night.”
Scrunching my face, I look up. “Gross.”
“Yeah, it was. She’s cute, though.”
“Looks exactly like Skylar, just a smaller version.”
He shrugs. “I might try to hit it.”
I shrug back. “You do you.”
“You gonna hit Skylar?”
I roll my eyes. “No, dude. I got my eyes on someone else.”
“What?”
I look up. “What?”
“You’re sprung on that girl? Seriously?”
I look away. “Maybe.”
“What the hell? What happened to playing the field?”
I shake my head before looking back up at him. “I can’t. Not after what that girl did to me last night. You just don’t understand, Markus, really. Have you ever been with someone who just fits with you? I mean, everything was just right and I can’t shake that. I need more.”
“Do you know how pitiful you sound right now?”
“I don’t care. You don’t understand. It was just right. Perfect, even.”
When he laughs, I ignore him, searching Mekena’s friends list for her. I don’t care what he thinks because this is different. This is real, and I can’t stop thinking about her. About what we did last night. I tried to sleep, I did. And Lord knows I need it before this afternoon’s skate, but I couldn’t even catch a wink. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her. I’m not sure if it’s lust or infatuation, but Avery No Last Name has me wrapped around her finger, and I’m counting the seconds until the coffee shop thing tonight.
“Just to let you know, you sound like Jayden. I thought your goal was Jude before Claire?”
“It was, but I guess I’m Jayden ’cause I can’t shake her.”
“Have you even tried?”
Giving him a look, I nod. “Yes.”
“You have not,” he accuses. “It’s only been a few hours.”
“I know, but this is different.”
“Different?”
“Yes! All I can do is think of her.”<
br />
“You’re a puss, dude.” He shakes his head as he leans back against his pillows.
I know this is a fight that is pointless, but I feel the need to prove my point. “So, if you met some girl, someone who just felt right and natural, you’d pass ’em up?”
He doesn’t even hesitate. “Yes, ’cause I don’t have time to get hung up on some girl. We have shit to do this year, Jace.”
“Sure, but if Jayden and Jude can do everything I am doing while being in a relationship, so can I,” I say and his eyes widen.
“A relationship?! Who the hell are you?”
Has he not been listening to me? “Dude, it was life-altering last night. Really. I feel it…in my soul.”
“What in the world…” he yells, his face in complete shock. “Did she have a platinum pussy or something?”
I glare. “Not cool, dude.”
He looks offended. “Not cool? You know what’s not cool? The fact that yesterday you didn’t even want to be like your brothers. You’ve completely changed the game. And excuse me for not being able to keep up.”
And he’s right, I know this, but I can’t shake her. I’ve been thinking about it all morning. Yeah, a girlfriend was the last thing I wanted, but then I met her and all that changed. I don’t want anyone else but her, and I won’t stop until she’s mine. I don’t understand this intense need to make her mine, but I don’t think I can fight it. Or even if I’m supposed to fight it.
All I know is that I’m petrified I’ll never feel again what I felt when I was with her.
And that’s unacceptable.
“Dude, don’t you think it’s a little weird you’re so caught up on her? Maybe you should take a step back.”
“No,” I say simply.
He lets out a breath. “You’re insane.”
“And you’re my best friend, so what does that say about you?” I ask, sending him a grin before finally coming upon Avery’s name. “Ha! Avery Rose.”
“Avery Rose?” Markus asks. “That’s her name?”
“Apparently.” I click on her Facebook, but her shit is locked down. “Damn, I can’t look at anything.”
“Stalker.”
“Loser,” I call back before hitting Add Friend. “Now, we wait.”
“For?”
“Her to be my friend.”