Without Regret

by Aubrey Bondurant

  I wasn’t sure how long I sat there on the floor, eventually inching up so my back was against the wall with my knees tucked up under my arms, but I was emotionally exhausted from the crying. Wiping my face, I took a deep breath and made myself stand up. I thought back to the day I’d first arrived in this city, virtually penniless. Now at least I had a flat, a warm bed, a hot shower, clothes on my back and in my suitcases. One by one, I made myself count my blessings. I ticked off each and every one until I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

  Then I stripped out of my clothes, took a shower, and fell into bed. I hadn’t bothered to turn my phone on since the flight, unable to talk to Simon with any coherence and not wanting to be disappointed when Trevor didn’t respond to my earlier text. Easier to turn it off. Mirroring what I started to do with my emotions. I stacked them behind the defensive walls I’d temporarily lowered before the ambush this morning.

  Finally, I fell into a restless sleep to the sounds of the city.

  I woke up in a sweat and glanced around the dark room, forgetting where I was for a moment. The clock told me it was still the middle of the night. I got up and guzzled a bottle of lukewarm water from my carry-on bag and changed into pajamas.

  I fought the urge to turn on my phone and instead sat on the couch by the large window, a dark silhouette overlooking the city that never sleeps. This view used to spike my adrenaline about getting out there in the world and making something of myself. Tonight, it only served to depress me further. For the first time, I wasn’t consoled by the city. I wasn’t energized.

  I was empty.

  One more soul in this city who nobody knew or cared about.

  CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR

  Trevor

  I needed some time to cool off. To say I was in shock was a gross understatement. But then the pieces seemed to fall into place. Tom was married. Emma had been with him years ago, not knowing that. Then she had gotten her revenge via the tattoo of ‘unfaithful.’ Now she hated him. He did his best to get under her skin at any opportunity and had tried to sabotage my relationship with her. When he couldn’t manage that, he’d resorted to dirty tactics. But the thing I couldn’t figure out for the life of me was why she hadn’t told me.

  I sat at a restaurant bar a few miles from the office, already two shots in. Yes, it was only a little after nine in the morning, but today called for some serious day drinking.

  Emma had texted me with I’m sorry. I hadn’t responded. I couldn’t. Not yet. Not when my emotions were running high, and I was way too angry. It would be best to calm down first.

  My phone pinged again, and this time it was Simon.

  “Can you meet me back at the office?”

  “At the bar two shots in. Probably not a good idea we discuss things right now.”

  I wasn’t ready to see Emma yet. And I certainly didn’t want to see Tom.

  Simon’s response pinged back immediately. “Which one? I’ll come to you.”

  I typed out the name and ordered a whiskey, deciding that sipping would probably be better than shots. It would numb the feeling of betrayal and hopefully dull my anger about her keeping this from me.

  That’s what had me the most pissed off. I might not like the idea of Tom having touched her, but she’d been nineteen years old. Was I supposed to be upset about her past? Nope. But I sure as hell could be angry she hadn’t confided in me. I’d been caught off guard with that smug bastard telling me instead of her.

  I didn’t trust myself to speak with her yet. Needed to figure out what to do. Not only was there an issue now with this job, but for all I knew I could also be facing assault charges if Tom chose to press them. Yet I’d have done it all again. Punch his smug face for trying to blackmail her with the threat of my career. The very thought made me clench my fists.

  In fifteen minutes, Simon took the stool beside me. He shed his suit jacket and folded it, setting it neatly on the stool to the left.

  “What’s your poison?”

  “Whiskey right now. Patron to start.”

  Smiling, he glanced over to get the bartender’s attention. “Two shots of Patron. Whiskey neat as a chaser, please.”

  Didn’t see that coming. Simon didn’t seem like the kind of man to throw back his liquor in the morning. He quickly did the two shots, sucking on a lime at the end and settling in with his whiskey before speaking.

  “You talk with Emma?”

  I shook my head. “Nope. I will, but I need to cool down first. Did you know about them?”

  He expelled a breath. “Not a clue. I knew there was someone who’d broken her trust and put her off suits when she’d first moved to New York. But I didn’t ever put it together that it was Tom. This morning, I came into the office early in case he continued to give her a hard time about the two of you. I was shocked when he started talking blackmail. I hadn’t suspected their history until he revealed it today.”

  “I’m surprised he didn’t tell everyone.”

  “Evidently, Emma’s threat of telling his wife if he breathed a word motivated him to keep his mouth shut until now. But now that he’s divorcing, that threat holds no weight.”

  “I won’t work with him ever again. The man has no moral code, no integrity—and to threaten to blackmail a woman to sleep with him? I can’t.”

  “Good. I won’t work with him, either. By the way, Emma resigned.”

  I turned sharply towards Simon. “You asked her to?”

  He appeared mildly offended. “Of course not. She emailed it before she snuck out while I was dealing with Tom. You should know he won’t be pressing charges for the well-earned punch.”

  I was more concerned about Emma quitting her job. What a cluster. “What makes you say he won’t?”

  “Let’s just say I have my own leverage against Tom, something I was saving for a rainy day.”

  “You didn’t have to use it for me.”

  He shrugged. “Maybe it isn’t only for you.”

  “Fair enough.” I knew Simon loved Emma like a sister.

  “I realize you’re upset. Hell, even I feel weird about their affair. But she was nineteen, alone in a new city with no family—”

  I cut him off. “I’m not angry about it happening. It’s the past, and it wouldn’t be fair to hold that against her. But I am pissed she didn’t tell me. Instead, I had to find out from him in that way.”

  “She tell you how she grew up?”

  “Glimpses of it. I can appreciate trust doesn’t come easy for her, but it doesn’t make me any less frustrated with her for keeping this from me.”

  “I get it. But playing devil’s advocate, would you have been able to work with Tom if she had told you the truth? If you’d become aware he was the one to take years of trust issues and break them further? That he’d cheated on his wife with her not realizing?”

  He had a point. But knowing he’d done that to her begged another question. “Why would she agree to still work with him after?”

  He shrugged. “You’d have to ask her, but she didn’t at first. We worked together three years before Tom asked to be assigned to the team. Guess she just decided to put up with it. To be fair, sometimes we go months without seeing him.”

  “I’ll talk to her tonight.” Because alcohol wouldn’t make this type of conversation any easier. My initial anger had faded, and I was starting to understand why she hadn’t told me. In fact, I’d already forgiven her for it and felt awful for leaving the way I had. Taking out my phone, I intended to text her that I’d be by later to talk, but Simon’s words stopped me.

  “About that. I’m ninety-nine percent certain she’s already bolted out of Texas.”

  “What?” The thought of her fleeing had never occurred to me. “This was a bump. Not an ending.”

  He sighed. “She won’t see it that way. My guess is she’s already on a flight to New York City, figuring you have rejected her fully.”

  I signaled the bartender, intending to pay the bill and rush back in the hopes of catching he
r. “I need to go find her.”

  He shook his head. “Not yet. First, you and I need to have a talk. I have an idea that may help us, both regarding our future and in getting her back.”

  The seriousness of his tone had me sitting back down.

  ***

  Simon’s plan was a no-brainer. He proposed we go into a real estate partnership together. We went back to the office to make plans. We’d start with a commercial building he’d been evaluating in Dallas and work from there. He had some investment money of his own to put up. Combined with some of mine, we had a healthy start. We’d sent our official resignations to Phillip. This triggered a phone call Simon knew would follow.

  I let him handle that conversation while I booked my flight to New York, then fielded my own phone call from my father. Evidently, news traveled quickly.

  “Trevor, where are you?”

  “In the office. And how are you, Dad?”

  “Confused. Why did you resign from Phillip’s company?”

  You would think he’d be over the moon at the news instead of accusatory. “I resigned because his nephew has no morals or integrity. I won’t work with a man like that.”

  “Are you talking about Tom from the party?”

  “Yes.”

  “In the short time I spent with him, I thought the same. So, now what?”

  “Simon is proposing to Phillip that we act as advisors for a few months—so long as we don’t have to deal with Tom. In the meantime, we’re going into business together. Real estate.”

  “That happened fast.”

  Leave it to him to sound critical. “It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. And it feels right.”

  “I suppose you’ll be asking for money for the initial investment.”

  I pinched the bridge of my nose. “You know what? I don’t need your money. I never have. What I’ve always wanted was simply that you be proud of me. Is that too much to ask? I’m not following in your footsteps by taking over your company. I’m sorry if it disappoints you, but I am setting out to do something that makes me happy.” It was the first time I’d confronted my father and now that I had, it was all pouring out.

  He was quiet for a moment. “I’ve always been proud of you, son. And it’s me who should say I’m sorry if you’ve never felt that. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed you don’t want the company I started, but I’d be more disappointed if you took it and were miserable.”

  I let out the breath I was holding. “Thank you. Now I have to go. Need to get on a plane shortly.”

  “For the job?”

  “No, actually. For a girl.”

  “I’m guessing Emma from the party.”

  “How did you know?”

  “I saw the way you looked at her.”

  It felt strange but good to be sharing something this personal with my father. “I love her. But I have to convince her of that.”

  “You will.”

  I didn’t know if it was my dad’s general overconfidence making him say this or his true belief. “What makes you so sure?”

  “Because I convinced your mother. Once a Newhall man falls, they fall hard, and they don’t let go.”

  I smiled. “No, I suppose they don’t.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE

  Trevor

  I took the last evening flight from Dallas to New York, armed with newfound confidence by my plan for the future. But time was running short. I knew without a doubt that Emma would’ve fortified her defenses by now. She’d most likely push me away. Having Simon in my corner, though, would hopefully help.

  For example, he knew where she stayed and was able to call to get her room number. Without that, I wouldn’t have known where to start looking for her.

  I knocked on her door at eight o’clock in the morning, hoping to catch her before she might go out. I’d texted her, but nothing had been delivered. Hell, even Simon had called her, and it had gone straight to voicemail. All part of her self-preservation mode, I was sure.

  Another knock, and I could sense her on the other side of the door. “I know you’re in there, Em. Open up, please.”

  She finally did so, seeming none too pleased to see me. “What do you want?”

  “To come in. To talk.”

  She looked beautiful, but sad. Her eyes were swollen from crying, and she was dressed in pajamas.

  It broke my heart to see her like this.

  “There’s nothing to talk about. It would be better if you just left.”

  “You mean easier. It would be easier if I left. We can talk in the hall or inside, but I’m not leaving until we do.”

  She backed away from the door, allowing me in. This gave me my first glimmer of hope until she spoke again. “What are you doing here, Trevor? You made it pretty clear with your reaction yesterday that things are over.”

  “No. I most certainly did not. I was pissed.”

  “Yeah, well, as much as I wish I had a time machine, I can’t go back and change things. So it doesn’t matter. It was fun, this thing we had, and though I don’t enjoy the way it ended, it would’ve gotten there eventually anyhow.”

  We were squared off in the small living room area only a couple feet apart. Her arms were wrapped around her waist in a defensive pose while I fought not to close the gap and pull her into my embrace. “You haven’t been paying attention if you thought this thing was ending.”

  “But you left. The moment you found out about Tom, you got angry and bolted.”

  I winced with regret that she’d perceive my actions as another abandonment. “You’re right. I did. I had every reason to be angry. And yes, I needed a fucking minute to get over it. But it wasn’t your long-ago affair with Tom which made me mad. It was hearing it from him. In that way. By having it thrown in my face. Knowing you hadn’t trusted me enough to confide in me. That we weren’t a team. I’m on your side, Emma, but that was an ambush I walked into with you knowing the whole while there was a chance for it.”

  “How exactly was I supposed to tell you in a way you could still work with him? How did you see that playing out, exactly? I didn’t enjoy keeping it from you. But I was in a no-win situation.”

  This was similar to what Simon had said. And I wished I could say it wouldn’t have affected my working relationship with him, but I knew it would have.

  “I realize that now, which is why I got over it by the time I boarded the plane here.”

  My words seemed to dissipate the tension in the room.

  “Did you love him?” I had to know.

  “No. Not at all.”

  “But he broke your heart.”

  “No. He broke my trust. And worse. My self-worth. He was the first relationship I allowed myself to start. To trust in. Two weeks into it, I found out he was married. He didn’t even act contrite when I confronted him. He simply told me I only had enough value to be someone’s side piece. Obviously, I got my petty revenge with the tattoo. Then I told him if he ever said anything about us I’d tell his wife, but I never forgot that lesson.”

  I gripped my fists, suspecting what she was about to say and hating Tom even more. “What lesson?”

  Her eyes welled up with tears, her voice breaking on the first three words. “That I’m nothing. I grew up with nothing. I have nothing to offer, and I’ll die with nothing. People like me don’t get the happy beginnings, the happy middles, or the happy endings. And glimpsing it only makes it harder to accept in the end.”

  “That’s not true. Not true in the slightest.” Now it clicked home why she had a history of one-night stands with men who called her names. Because, deep down, she didn’t feel worthy of anything else.

  She stood quietly while I raked a hand through my hair. Then she uttered words that nearly broke me.

  “I need you to go.”

  It took everything in me not to do as she asked and just leave. But I sensed this was a test. One I was determined to pass.

  “I’ll go if that’s what you want, but I’m not giving up
.”

  “Then you aren’t listening. I’m moving to New York.”

  “Fine, then I’ll figure out a way to be here, too.”

  “No. You won’t.”

  “Em. I love you. And I don’t care how much time it takes to get it through your head. That’s not going to change. This was merely a bump. This is merely a fight. Now we work things out. I realize this is hard, but most things worth having are.”

  She shook her head sadly. “You don’t know what hard is. You don’t know what it’s like to be rejected by your own mother. Then rejected by an adoptive family because you weren’t as good as them having their own blood. I was passed around from foster home to foster home after that. Most used me for the monthly check they’d get, which meant they’d try to keep the food costs low, not caring if I was hungry. But those were the better ones. Worse were the places where I had to hide outside in the shed to avoid the drunk foster father who touched me inappropriately.”

  My stomach recoiled while I tried to keep my voice smooth. The last thing she’d want was for me to feel sorry for her. Yet every fiber of my being wished I could hunt down these people and make them pay for damaging such a beautiful soul.

  “You’re right. I don’t know how hard it must’ve been for you. But I’m certain out of your experience came a survivor. Someone who has figured out a way to not let her past define her.”

  She simply stared at me for the longest minute. “I’m not Rufus. You don’t get to sweep in and rescue me.”

  “I don’t need to, sugar. You did the rescuing. All I want to do is be with you. Share my life with you.”

  I caught the glimmer of surprise on her face which caused me a quick flare of hope. Until her next words hit. “You need to go. Just leave me and go live your life. I’m sorry about your feelings, but—”

  “No.”

  Her eyes widened. “What?”

  “I said no. I’ll go now if that’s what you want, but tomorrow I’ll be back and the day after that. I’ll call you and text you and send you flowers.”

  “I abhor flowers.”

  “Too fucking bad. Because for the first time in my life, I want to send them to a woman. I want her to know I’m thinking of her. And that I love her.”