Dear Sylvia

by Alan Cumyn

  When he comes to bed tonight he’s going to smell like them.

  Love,

  Owen

  PSST! At least it’s summer now. Are you swimming in your swimming pool?

  Deer Sylvia,

  Leonard took a bath so it was all right.

  Whenever I go over to giggle Fillus to sleep Ant Lorraine and Uncle Lorne and Eleanor and Sadie always ask what is happening with the Invisible Enshurince Man. Tonight they knew already because Mom went over to their house and told them all about it! She told Lorne he should talk sense to Dad who should go back to work. And Eleanor and Sadie kept saying who is Rebecca?

  So I told them about her.

  Sadie makes me toast when I visit. She’s good for that and it’s OK because she’s my cousin. Sometimes I know girls can get jellyus jealous. I think Mom is of Rebecca because of her red hair and lipstick. But just so you know I don’t go for any of that. I think your hair is like flying up in an apple tree over a field of sunny corn and you don’t need any lipstick on it at all.

  Love,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Mom has a job! She is a resepshunist receptionist at the Lord Buggle Hotel in Claymore. She says hello and takes the money.

  Dad didn’t even make a big arguemint argument. He sits in his office now staring at the typewriter and not moving like he is waiting for a big fish to swim into his bear hands. I wonder even if he is breathing he is so still. But then he goes clackCLACK.

  Sometimes he takes his pen and writes on the paper in the typewriter still like he can’t make up his mind.

  I am sorry if this is a strange thing to say. But sometimes I feel like I am the Invisible Enshurince Man. I get my box of letters from the closet and my dictionary and go downstairs to the basement where Uncle Lorne used to sleep in his cot before he married Ant Lorraine. He used to read car magazines there. Now I sit and write to you. It is like I am standing outside your house but you can’t see me but I am still allowed to be there. I see you sometimes in my head when you stand at the window. I write you anything I want.

  Love,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I moved my box down to the basement. I keep it under the wood under the work bench. My dictionary is by the hammers.

  We are still poor. Even though Mom is working now. We had cabbidge cabbage soup for dinner which Leonard said smelt like laundry. Dad told him to not be so spoilt. Dad made the soup all by himself from his own ressipee resippy idea. Mom is so tired now from resepshuning working all day she said we had to eat it.

  Andy said we’re so poor we’re almost orfins orphans and so we need to scavenge for ourselves. We went looking for pop bottles. The first one we found Andy showed to Sylvester who sniffed and sniffed it. Then he ran off and we thought maybe he could sniff bottles and we’d be rich! But every ditch we looked in after that didn’t have a bottle.

  I think Sylvester just likes sniffing. We did take him to the river before but the only people who came were some kids who laughed when he dove underwater and then didn’t pay us anything.

  Sylvester still has his rock which you found for him back in the spring at my birthday. But I don’t want him to lose it any more so I keep it under the workbench too and bring it out on special okayshuns occasions. Today I brought it out because Dad was CLACKclackCLACKing again almost as much as in the beginning. I was happy because I thought important things were happening with the Invisible Enshurince Man. Maybe someone was murdered and so the Enshurince Man has a case!

  Then Leonard came running to me and he said — Mom is sitting in Dad’s chair!

  She was home from work.

  We all went down the stairs to have a look. Leonard was right! Mom was sitting in Dad’s chair by the window in the living room. She had her feet up on Dad’s stool and she was reading the newspaper just like him!

  Andy said — what if Dad sees her!

  Mom put down the newspaper. How was school today — she said. Then she lifted up the page again to read.

  Just like Dad!

  Who went CLACKclackCLACK in his office.

  But he was going to come out soon and see Mom in his chair with the newspaper and then the windstorm was going to blow up all over again!

  So Leonard said — why don’t you sit over here Mom?

  In her chair.

  I like the stool — she said.

  But your chair is here! — Leonard said.

  She put down the paper again. She was almost laughing.

  But the CLACKclack stopped. Then Dad came out of his office. He looked at Mom sitting in his chair and she looked at him. And she lifted up the newspaper again!

  Mom said — there’s an interesting ressipee recipe here you might try.

  And Dad looked at her.

  And Mom said — doesn’t cost a fortune.

  And Dad went in the kitchen and put on his apron and came back out and we were all watching. He said — what is it? and she ripped it right off the page and gave it to him. Then she kept reading something else.

  It was tomato soup meatloaf and it was a lot better than the cabbage soup!

  If Dad keeps writing like this then he’ll get to 400 pages in a couple of weeks and we’ll be rich!

  Love,

  Owen

  PSST! Fillus looks around now and holds up her own head. Her eyes are almost as blue as yours. She is not red any more except her hair. She is getting harder to put to sleep because she doesn’t cry so loud before I get there. So she’s ready for me. She likes me to carry her outside to look at the swing set and the swimming tub Eleanor and Sadie have because they are richer than us. Sometimes Sadie comes with me and tells me about her day. She and Eleanor read science books together and Eleanor tells Sadie facts about the universe such as the fact that everything is expanding all the time except when it isn’t. And when you drop 2 rocks from the Leaning Tower of Pizza they both travel the same distance.

  Sadie’s eyes aren’t like yours but they are less woggly now.

  Deer Sylvia,

  Dad has broken 1 of the keys on his typewriter! The e fell off and when he tried to put it back on again the arm bent and now he can’t write. He is at a crushal crucial point in the story and if he could only get his typewriter fixed then we wouldn’t have to be poor any more!

  But there isn’t enough money.

  Today we all went to the Lord Buggle to go swimming. Dad was supposed to go too and have a holiday from his writing but he went looking for typewriters instead in Claymore. He thought there was a store. He was all droopy like Sylvester last year when I lost his rock.

  Just 1 stupid e and everything would be all right again!

  The swimming pool at the hotel was full of kaloreen calorine chemicals and so you can only swim underwater with your eyes closed. Only then you go bonk! and your head is bleeding against the side of the pool.

  It hurt but it was just a cut. Then when the lifeguard pulled me out of the water and she saw all the blood I guess it was like her own blood gushing out. Her face went all white and I said — are you all right?

  But before she could say she was fine she fainted and chipped her tooth against the concreat concrete. Leonard came running up then and found the chip.

  Mom says we can’t go swimming any more at the hotel.

  Love,

  Owen

  PSST! Dad found a new typewriter but Mom said it costs more than the car and we can’t afford it. We can’t afford anything. Andy is getting too big for his pants now and we can’t afford new ones so Mom made him try on a pair of Dad’s and roll up the legs and strap it all on with a belt. He looks like Rollo the clown! But you can’t laugh at him or he gets sore.

  Deer Sylvia,

  Your letter came today and if your mother comes to get me I can go!

  I will practice my Scottish and bring
my bathing suit. Most of the blood came off it.

  Best wishes to you too!

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Thank you for bringing me to your Scottish dancing club and to swimming in your pool.

  I’m sorry but next week I will not be able to come because I probably will be feeling ill.

  Sorry,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Thank you for inviting me to your Scottish dancing and swimming.

  I don’t think I will be able to come next week.

  I hope your ankles are OK.

  Best wishes,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Thank you for taking me to Scottish dancing. I had a good time especially with the sword.

  I’m sorry it got stuck in that girl’s hair.

  Next week I am unfortunittly unfortunately busy probably by being sick.

  Owen

  PSST! How are your ankles?

  Deer Sylvia,

  I am having a hard time writing this letter so I’m sorry. Uncle Lorne said Owen just say it right out so I will. I don’t think I should have to wear a skirt even if I am the only boy Scottish dancing. I know girls wear hockey geer gear just like boys but this isn’t hockey it’s dancing and I don’t think I can do it.

  Sorry.

  Owen

  PSST! When you were jumping around the swords and pointing your toes and your hair was bouncing under your cap and you looked right at me like you could walk through a mountain and then you smiled and your face went red and you twirled a bit and dipped and that little bit of sweat went from your eyelash strait straight onto my cheek I thought maybe then I could do it. It’s just a skirt and nobody would see me but the other girls.

  But I’ve had time to think and it’s too hard.

  Deer Sylvia,

  First of all Leonard was not supposed to say that to you in the driveway when you came with your mother to pick me up again for Scottish dancing. He was supposed to give you a letter which he didn’t.

  Second I was not hiding from you. I was in the basement taking care of Sylvester’s rock which as you know is very important. That’s why I said I could not go Scottish dancing this week.

  Leonard was wrong. I did not say I would not go ever again.

  I’m sorry if you were upset and if I was there in the driveway instead of in the basement I would have gone.

  I’m sorry.

  I should have just sent the letter or called on the phone but it costs extra money and we don’t have any now because Dad’s typewriter is still broken. So I gave the letter to Leonard. He wasn’t supposed to tell you I was in the basement.

  Are you mad at me?

  I would like to go with you next week again. I will practice. I will get a skirt. I will try not to bump around the other girls.

  From,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I sent the other letter and will wait in the driveway myself on Tuesday so you won’t think I am in the basement. Mom told me all the men in Scotland wear skirts. That’s just what they wear. So it’s all right. Mom had one for me and it fits if I wear suspenders which I hope is allowed in the rules.

  Leonard laughed so hard when he saw me he started to crawl on his belly and got a nose bleed. Lucky it was on the floor and not the carpet. Andy said the feercist bravest Scottish fighters all wore skirts called Kilts for everybody they kilt in battle. So now I understand.

  I will be out in the driveway myself on Tuesday waiting for you with my kilt on.

  Owen

  PSST! I liked the dinner with your family. I’m sorry I should have sent you a card saying THANKS. My mom bugged me and bugged me and somehow I didn’t do it because I was worried about the kilt.

  But I did have a hard time swallowing the arty chokes and so now I know why they are called that.

  I keep thinking about you when you dove off the diving board at your swimming pool and cut the water like a knife with your body so sharp and straight and how when you came up you looked at me to see if I was looking at you. I am always looking at you.

  Someday I will send you all of these letters and then you will know.

  Deer Sylvia,

  I have been practicing the Paw Debask here in the basement with Sylvester and I think I have got it. I know I shouldn’t look at my feet all the time when I do it but maybe then I won’t knee anybody else.

  It is very easy when you are in the basement with the bagpipe music in your head.

  I did try butter on the arty chokes by the way. And I could swallow that. I am sorry to say I am starving hungry these days that we’re poor. The Lord Buggle hotel doesn’t pay much and Mom has her eye on another job at the Hotel Kwincy in Elgin. Is that close to your house? If she gets it then maybe I won’t need a drive home from dancing.

  I have been thinking a lot about the Invisible Enshurince Man. Dad has a new typewriter now that he found in the trash. It was perfectly good. It just needed a new ribbon and some cleaning and some oil and a new bell. So now Dad is CLACKclackCLACKing again and the pages are flying out the machine like newspapers in a movie. I think the Invisible Enshurince Man is a spy who is keeping his eye out for the end of the world which is when aliens will come looking for H-2-0 which is a very expensive chemical hard to buy on other planets. They will come to take all of ours and Rebecca his secretary will get captured!

  So he will have to get on board the big saucer and then drive it through the meteor shower and find Rebecca.

  I’m not sure how it’s going to end.

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I’m sorry I forgot the Paw Debask. I knew it and I knew it and then when the record started I didn’t know anything. I just tried looking at you to follow but you do it so fast and my feet got behind you and I didn’t think my elbows were doing anything at all till they hit Sally.

  I don’t think it will be much of a black eye. When we weren’t poor Mom used to put meat on our eyes when they were black. It made you feel like maybe you could be dinner too someday.

  I have started practicing the Paw Debask with Sadie after I get Fillus to sleep. I hope you don’t mind. She gets these steps much faster than me and then she shows me.

  Here is the latest with the Invisible Enshurince Man. Andy took a peek at some of the pages when Dad was outside fixing his new typewriter. It’s now giving 2 letters whenever Dad punches 1 key. And not 2 letters the same either.

  Andy said the Invisible Enshurince Man is actually about a man who sits in the office all day and gets afraid of the telephone. I don’t know why he is afraid. But he stares at it and stares. He is supposed to pick it up and call people and tell them what to buy. But it’s like the telephone is now an elephant which you can’t pick up.

  I don’t know how Dad can have a hole book about that. Maybe the aliens have made the telephones into elephants and that’s just part of their plot to take over the world. Nobody can call the army when the invasion begins!

  I am sitting in the basement on Uncle Lorne’s old cot writing to you and it’s getting late and dark and sleepy but I don’t want to go.

  Love,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  The Invisible Enshurince Man is not just afraid of his telephone. Andy snuck in and read some more while Dad was sleeping this afternoon. He is writing at night now and sleeping more in the day because that’s how writers do it. Otherwise it would be too easy.

  Rebecca isn’t his secretary at all. She is the waitress at the restaurant where the Invisible Enshurince Man has lunch every day. She brushes her hair behind her ears before she writes down on a pad his order even though it’s the same order every day and that’s why the Invisible Enshurince Man loves her.

  But Rebecca can’t see him.

  Leonard said — if she can’t see him th
en how does she know he’s there?

  Andy said — she can hear him.

  Leonard said — but wouldn’t she get scared watching food being chewed in the middle of the air then disappearing into an Invisible stomach?

  Andy said — nobody can see the food once it disappears behind Invisible lips and teeth.

  And Leonard said — did Dad used to bring his lunch or eat at a restaurant every day when he was an Enshurince Man?

  Which we don’t know.

  Tomorrow is dancing again and I know I will not imbarass embarrass you again.

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I know I am supposed to look proud and not be turning my head to watch everybody else. I only do it because everybody else knows what they are doing. Anyway in hockey you must look around or you get knocked into the snowbank.

  And I know Scottish dancing isn’t hockey but Mrs. MCcTargus could be a hockey coach if she wanted. She yells loud enough.

  But I’m not trying to hit anybody. I don’t know what gave you that impresshun impression.

  I am trying my best and anyway when I started I didn’t even know the Paw Debask.

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I can’t stop thinking about what you said. I don’t know why you got so mad all of a sudden when I was just learning. I didn’t know you had to do the Paw Debask backwards too and I don’t know what a traveling step is except in basketball.

  Sincerely,

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  I know you didn’t yell but you almost did and before you were laughing so that’s why I made a little joke with Janice and sent her skidding a little bit but nobody was hurt and it was fine until Mrs. MctArgus came back right then.

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  When you almost yell at me it’s like rain all Saturday afternoon and all you can do is watch out the window and if you do go out it’s cold and wet.

  I could write more but I won’t.

  Owen

  Deer Sylvia,

  Leonard has been teaching me the Paw Debask backwards. Sadie showed him and he is showing me so I won’t be a fool next time at dancing.