2007 - A tale etched in blood and hard black pencel

by Christopher Brookmyre

  “Glad to hear it.”

  “Whit aboot Robbie? Is he in the clear, then?”

  “Same as yourself, there’s still the conspiracy-to-pervert charge, but they cannae make a case for the murders. Karen said there’s no way the Procurator Fiscal would touch it. Plenty of circumstantial evidence, but no motive. His explanation might be uncorroborated, but it’s the only one that ties everything else together and makes any sense. You’re both still looking at custodial terms.”

  “Ach, six months, probably. Jakey sentence. Canter. Specially considerin I thought I was for the big ticket. All-day pass. And dae ye know what scared me most aboot that?”

  “What?”

  “The feelin that it was always due me: tae get done for some-thin I never did. It’s been happenin tae me since my first day at school. That auld ratbag Lanegan pulled me up for stealin money aff some boy. Wouldnae listen when I tried tae tell her Colin had given us it. That was me branded a thief for life. Vee-lan, ” he mimics. “Remember?”

  “Aye. How could I forget?”

  Noodsy raps him on the head. “Bawd igg.”

  “What ever happened to Momo?” Martin asks. “Is he still living?”

  Noodsy laughs. “I think he ended up in Calderpark Zoo. Or mibbae they returned him to the wild. Fuck knows.”

  §

  Martin watches the taxi drive off as he walks away, heading in the direction of the railway station, Noodsy giving him a last wave through the rear window. He smiles to himself, all those memories coming back, right to that first day. Poor Colin. He did give Noodsy that money, but Martin had no idea Noodsy had ended, up in trouble for it. Bastard of a coincidence some other kid had money taken off him the same day. Then it hits him: there was no other kid, just Colin. He gave out all those coins like he was paying for their books, a wee wean with no concept of what the money was worth. Went home, probably got asked by his mummy where his cash went. Realises he’s screwed up and tells a big fib: a bad boy took it from me. Mummy tells the infant headmistress and suddenly Noodsy’s a thief for life.

  Jesus.

  It set Colin on a certain path too, Martin realises. He became quite the arch manipulator as the years went on. Learnt how to use peer pressure, learnt how to isolate people, learnt how to influence the pack. But the incident with the coins was what first taught him how people would believe a story if you presented it properly; how the blame could be shifted from yourself if you picked the right person to shift it to.

  That was how he came up with his plan to make it look like someone else had murdered Johnny before committing suicide. He chose someone with a plausible motive, but that only covered the first part.

  Martin has to stop walking as it strikes him that Colin would not have chosen Robbie as the ideal candidate for the second. There was someone else, someone with an identical motive, but someone who might almost be expected to die a suicide. Someone whose own mother had killed herself. Someone who, despite being the lodges’ cleaner, was conveniently ill and thus out of the picture for several days while all the corpse-disposal was going on. Someone whom Robbie felt loyalty towards. Someone who knew she could turn to him in the most acute crisis, such as being stuck at a murder scene with two dead bodies and an apparent motive for killing one of them. Someone who, he is certain, also owned a pay-as-you-go mobile phone. And someone with keys to the hut in order to remove that hard drive.

  He thinks of Jojo at the school today, that concentrated, slightly worried look on her face. “Who better indeed?” she had asked. A question to which she had already worked out the correct answer.

  §

  He waits until it’s late, almost closing time, then takes a seat at the bar and orders a pint. He drinks it slowly as Jojo sees out the last customers and eventually the rest of the staff. He thinks about Colin, better able to mourn him now that he knows the truth. Thinks not about what Colin became, and definitely not about what he contemplated but couldn’t see through to conclusion. Instead, he thinks about those younger days. He thinks about the games they played: Colditz and pinkies, two-man hunt, best man fall, Colin’s killernne. He thinks about those endless football matches, Colin’s goalkeeping feats on the soft grass. And he thinks about the last time he heard Colin talk innocently about his passions, before his later enthusiasms set him on a different path. Must have been early Second Year. It stands out because it was after the onset of Colin’s new-found stature, and thus rare—and kind of precious—that they ended up in such an involved conversation. Colin was talking about the stars, something he had done quite a few times at St Lizzie’s too, though Martin assumed he had by this point abandoned his nine-year-old stated ambition of being an astronomer. Colin knew everything about the sky. He had even got this huge telescope for his Christmas in Primary Five.

  “The most amazin thing aboot the stars,” he said, “is the distance, and the time it takes their light tae reach Earth. If a star’s twenty light years away, then the illumination generated by the events happenin right now—the fires and explosions—won’t shine on us for another two decades.”

  The staff run off the till, fill the glass-washer, empty the ashtrays, turn off the music. Jojo switches it back on once the last of them has gone, puts on a CD, then fills herself a large glass of wine and takes a seat next to Martin.

  “You’re a fly one,” he says softly.

  “Fly? How?”

  “It was Eleanor at the lodges, wasn’t it? Not Robbie. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Jojo takes a sip of wine and looks him in the eye over the rim as she swallows. “So Professor Brainbox worked out the answer yet again,” she says.

  “Took me longer than you, though. But don’t worry. I’m not going to tell the teacher.”

  “Well, if you’re smart enough to solve the big question, you must know the answer to the one you just asked.”

  “I guess. You figured the polis have got a solution everybody’s happy with, so you’re protecting Eleanor from a whole load of grief.”

  “I’m protecting Robbie, too,” she says.

  “Robbie? How?”

  “It’s a hell of a thing he’s done for Eleanor. I don’t want that taken away from him.”

  Martin nods. “That’s…You’re really the sweetest girl, Jojo,” he says. “I mean it.”

  “I liked it when you called me Joanne.”

  “Okay. Joanne.” He takes a sip of his pint and places it down very carefully on the bartop so that his fingers just brush against hers. “I’ve got one last question for you,” he says.

  “What?”

  Martin stands up and glances over his shoulder at the empty room. There’s a slow song playing on the stereo, some old soul number from 1985.

  “Would you like to dance?”

  Jojo takes his hand and smiles.

  “I’d love to.”

  Glossary

  afore Earlier than the time when.

  auld Advanced in years.

  ay Pertaining to.

  baith Affecting or involving one as well as the other.

  bampot A somewhat combustible individual.

  baw A spherical object.

  beamer Ruddy-cheeked display of embarrassment. See also riddie.

  birling Motion inclined to induce disorientation.

  blooter A hearty and full-blooded strike. See also lamp, scud, skelp, stoat

  boat hoose Evidence of upward mobility; a privately owned dwelling.

  bogey, the game’s a Declaration of despair; resignation that all is lost.

  brammer An impressive specimen. See also stoater.

  brer A male sibling.

  bubbling Prolonged and self-pitying bout of tearfulness.

  bunnet A fetching item of headgear.

  cadge To solicit charitable donations of money or more often confectionery.

  cheenies Treasured orbs in the possession of the male.

  chook, is it Expression of profound scepticism.

  clamped Rendered lost for words.

>   clap To stroke affectionately. “Ken them? I’ve clapped their dug!”

  coupon One’s visage.

  crabbit Of foul humour. See certain Scottish broadsheet literary critics

  da Patriarchal head of the household.

  dae To effect, perform or carry out an activity.

  deck An incident considered sufficiently amusing as to imagine one rendered horizontal with laughter. See also gut, pish.

  deid Expired, no longer with us, snuffed out, passed on, ceased to be.

  diddies Protruberant milk-producing glandular organs situated on the chest of the human female and certain other mammals. See also Greenock Morton PC.

  dowt The end of a cigarette, much coveted by impoverished but aspiring apprentice smokers.

  dug Four-legged domesticated flesh-eating and leg-humping mammal of the wolf-descended genus Canis familiaris.

  dunt A small, controlled blow.

  dwam A state of foggy befuddlement.

  edgy, the Look-out duty, usually in cover of nefarious deeds.

  eejit One not blessed with ample intelligence. See Old Firm supporters.

  eppy Paroxysms of uncontained anger.

  erse The posterior, buttocks or amis. Used by Old Firm supporters to accommodate the brain.

  fae Used to indicate a starting point.

  fanny The female pudenda. Term of abuse for particularly whiny and snivelling individuals. See also certain Scottish broadsheet literary critics.

  feart In a state of anxiety.

  fitba Popular team sport known in some quarters as ‘soccer’, invented and given to the world by the Scots. English claims to have invented it rest on their having the first Football Association, which proves only that they invented football bureaucracy. Thanks a pantload, guys. You form yet another bloody committee and a hundred years later, we had to put up with Jim Farry.

  fly Sharp-witted and elusive.

  fud See fanny. And yet again, see certain Scottish broadsheet literary critics.

  fullsy-roundsies Challenging skipping-rope technique, not for dilettantes. Comparison: see shoe-shaggy.

  gallus Term of glowing approval. Derives from description of that which is cheerfully bursting with self-confidence. The word comes from ‘gallows’, coined at at the hanging of a Glasgow thief and murderer known as Gentleman Jim, who had remained his smiling, cocksure and witty self right up until the drop.

  gaun yersel Shout of encouragement, insinuating the recipient needs no assistance to perform his attempted feat. Literally ‘go on yourself.

  geezabrek Invoked to wish for peace or better fortune.

  gemme A match or playful diversion. One might request to join by entreating: “Geezagemme’.

  gemmie Most enjoyable, highly approved.

  gie To transfer possession of something.

  ginger Generic term for carbonated minerals. Despite billions of dollars spent on brand recognition and advertising, in Glasgow, Coke, Pepsi, Seven-Up and Sprite are all referred to as ‘ginger’.

  greeting Tearful outpouring of grief.

  gub The human mouth, usually referring to a large and loud one.

  gubbed Soundly beaten, inferring the resultant metaphorical closing of the aforementioned large and loud gub whose outpourings occasioned the gubbing.

  guddle A state of frantic uncoordination.

  guddling A subtle means of angling practised without a rod or net.

  gut An incident considered sufficiently amusing as to imagine one’s innards rent asunder by laughter. See also deck, pish

  hame Where the heart is.

  haun The end of the forelimb on human beings, monkeys, etc. utilising opposable thumbs in order to grasp objects. Also the appendages dragged along the ground at the end of Old Firm supporters’ sleeves.

  heid Uppermost division of the human body, containing the brains, except in the case of Old Firm supporters. See erse.

  heidie The headmaster.

  hing An inanimate object as distinguished from a living being.

  hingmy All-purpose procrastinatory term for that which one cannot quite think of the name of yet. Equivalent of the French truc.

  honking Emitting a foul odour; poorly thought of. See St Mirren 2001-04.

  huckled Arrested or apprehended by agents of authority. See also lifted

  humping The act of coitus. Also a convincing and comprehensive victory. See Celtic 0-St Mirren 3, April 1991, or St Mirren 3-Rangers 0, October 1983

  jakey Homeless indigent partial to Buckfast and superlager.

  jakey sentence An undaunting custodial term, like commonly conferred on the above.

  jammy Enjoying extreme good fortune. See Rangers 1-St Mirren 0, Scottish Cup semi-final replay 1983.

  jinky Swift-footed and elusive

  jobbie Malodorous human waste product. See the performance of Brian McGinlay as referee, Scottish Cup semi-final replay 1983

  jooks Outer garment extending from the waist to the ankles

  kb-ed Rejected. Knocked back

  keech See jobbie

  keek To glimpse briefly or surreptitiously

  keeker A black eye, rendering one able only to keek

  kerry-oot A cargo of alcoholic refreshments purchased from an off-licence to be transported elsewhere for consumption

  knock To take without consent or permission and with no intention of returning it

  lamp To strike out using one’s fist. See also blooter, scud, skelp and stoat

  lash Leather tawse used for administering corporal punishment in Scottish schools. Outlawed in the 1980s less on humanitarian grounds than upon the belated realisation that the weans were having competitions to see who could get the most lashes.

  lawy Water closet

  leather To bring considerable force to bear upon an object or person. See also malky, panelling

  lifted See huckled. That Lighthouse Family song never quite hit the same note north of the border

  lugs Organs of hearing and equilibrium in humans, Old Firm supporters and other vertebrates

  ma Female parent of a child or offspring

  maist To the greatest degree or extent

  malky An act or instrument of extreme violence. See also leather, panelling

  maw see ma

  mention Succinct and economical graffito stating simply one’s name.

  mibbae Perhaps.

  minging See honking.

  mockit In a state of very poor cleanliness. See also Greenock.

  moolsy Selfish, ungenerous, disinclined to share one’s sweeties with half a dozen cadgers who wouldn’t give you the steam off their shite if it was the other way around.

  morra (the) The day after today.

  nae Denoting the absence of something, such as the likelihood of an Old Firm supporter winning Mastermind: ‘Nae chance.”

  neb Nose.

  noggin See heid.

  numpty See eejit.

  old firm Ingenious idiot-identification scheme which tags halfwits, criminals, thugs and assorted neerdowells voluntarily in blue or green-and-white garments, making them easier for the rest of us to avoid.

  Paisley, to get off at To practise coitus interruptus.

  pan breid A soft loaf made with refined white flour. Also rhyming slang for deceased.

  panelling A brutal and inrestrained violent assault. See also leather, malky.

  pish Urine; urinary function. Also an incident considered sufficiently amusing as to imagine one rendered incontinent by laughter. See also and Morton blowing promotion in 2004.

  poke A paper bag.

  polis Organisation employed to harrass and intimidate under-twelves.

  porteed, you’re a Early playground declaration of intent to bring the authorities to bear upon a transgressor.

  proddy Member of the Protestant or Presbyterian faiths, or one perceived to be so due to non-attendance of a Catholic school.

  puddock A frog (“Aye, it’s a braw bird, the puddock”).

  riddie See beamer.

&nbs
p; sair Painful.

  sclaff Poorly executed strike of a ball failing to make clean or well-directed contact. See Jose Quitongo.

  scoobie A clue, or inkling.

  scud In a state of undress. Also, to strike something with dull force. See also blooter, lamp, skelp and stoat.

  scud-book A magazine celebrating the female form.

  self-reference See self-reference

  shite See keech, jobbie and certain Scottish broadsheet literary critics.

  shoe-shaggy Undemanding novice level of skipping ropes, swinging back and forth without describing full circles. Comparison: see fullsy-roundsies.

  side A proper match contested by two teams, as opposed to a kickabout or a game of crossy or three-and-in.

  single fish Serving of battered fish without chips which rather confusingly includes two fish. Also rhyming slang for urinary function.

  skelp To strike or slap. See also blooter, lamp, scud and stoat.

  skitter Diarrhoea; also anything watery, weak and poorly formed.

  skoosh A task or prospect one expects to be less than taxing. Also a soft drink, usually uncarbonated.

  snotters Mucous discharge.

  sook The act of, or one given to acts of sycophancy or ostentatious obedience.

  square go Pugilistic unarmed combat, with both parties ready and willing participants.

  steamboats An advanced state of refreshment. See stocious

  staun To stand.

  stauner When one’s member chooses independently to stand.

  stoat See skelp, scud, lamp, etc.

  stoater See brammer.

  stocious See steamboats.

  stowed Crammed to capacity.

  swatch A brief glance.

  tanned Subject to an act of robbery.

  thae Those.

  thon That.

  tight Descriptive of a young lady of robust moral virtue, who probably has nae tits anyway

  toe A strike at a football making up in brute power what it lacks in accuracy and panache.

  wan The singular; one.

  weans Children.

  winching The romantic pursuit of young ladies.

  wrang The opposite of right. See Brian McGinlay’s decision to award Sandy Clark a goal in the 1983 Scottish Cup semi-final replay when the ball failed to come within two feet of the goal line. See also Brian McGinlay’s failure to award St Mirren any one of three stonewall penalties during the same match