Beautiful Illusion

by Jacquie Underdown

  My eyes flicked to Dad, and then at Matty, who had lowered his head into his hands. “You must be mistaken,” I said.

  Brianna, forehead crumpled, glanced at Matty for clarification. Matty was subtly shaking his head at her, eyes wide, an unsubtle “shut the fuck up”.

  “Oh, but I thought Matty said that you both lost your virginity to each other one Christmas. Up in your room.”

  I could have screamed. My hands were shaking. “I’d rather not talk about it, Brianna. It’s not a conversation I want to have in front of my father.”

  Brianna laughed. “Oh, shit. Sorry, I forgot Ronny is your dad.”

  I looked sideways at Brennan—whose face was a picture of confusion—and then to Dad, who was staring, Matty and I both sharing his attention.

  Probably fearing for his life, Matty said, “Um, Ronny, it’s—I’m sorry—we were young, you know, and drunk, and we just…”

  “Shut up,” said Dad.

  Matty shut his mouth with a snap. I chugged nearly all of my beer in one hit, waiting for the explosions to begin.

  “Did you think I was stupid enough to not know that you slept with my daughter?”

  Matty started to apologise again before he heard clearly what Dad had said. “Wait. What? You knew?” he asked.

  “Of course I knew.”

  “What? How? We didn’t tell anyone,” I said.

  “You didn’t have to tell anyone. You two were obvious enough.”

  I put my head in my hands, absolutely mortified. “Oh, God. You knew all this time and didn’t say anything? I’ve been freaking out for ten years about this, thinking that you’d go off your head if you knew.”

  “What do you think I am?” Dad said frowning.

  “I’m sorry. I thought… because Matty was your employee and I was your daughter that you’d have been angry.”

  He shook his head. “Love, we’re all young once. And we all make stupid mistakes.”

  “Hey,” said Matty, taking offense.

  Sternly, Dad said, “Son, I would quit while you’re ahead.”

  Matty subsided. “Good point.”

  I glanced sideways at Brennan, who was looking back and forth between me and Matty. The table was completely silent. Caitlyn was trying hard not to laugh, while Greg looked as horrified as I did by the revelations.

  I slowly stood up from my seat. “Um, I’m going to get another drink,” I said, before creeping away to the kitchen that seemed to have become my refuge of the day.

  I threw my hands to my cheeks trying to cool them down, embarrassed that such a private secret could be discussed at the dinner table in front of Dad—and Brennan. I grabbed a wine glass from the kitchen cabinet and poured a big glass of Shiraz. As I raised the glass to my lips, Brennan walked in.

  “You and Matty, hey?” he said.

  I watched him sheepishly, trying to decipher his expression. Whether he was upset to hear about me and Matty, or not.

  “Sorry you had to find out like that.”

  “That’s why I’d like to know these things in advance,” he said, smiling.

  “I’ll keep that in mind if it ever pops up again,” I said.

  “Leah, Leah, Leah, you’re a naughty girl, aren’t you? Taking advantage of innocent younger boys right under your father’s nose.”

  I rolled my eyes, still thoroughly embarrassed by the whole ordeal.

  He ambled closer, his body gently pushing against mine, his warm breath in my ear. With tantalising slowness he caressed the inside of my thigh, trailing higher and higher still.

  “It would have been a dream come true for any guy to lose their virginity to you,” he whispered in my ear. “No wonder Matty can’t keep a girlfriend; you ruined him for life. Set the benchmark much too high.”

  I inclined my face to kiss him, but he edged away, returning his hand to his side and smiled cheekily at me.

  I groaned. “You tease.”

  “Just giving you a little bit of your own medicine,” he said, laughing. “Miss I’m-not-wearing-any-underwear.”

  Caitlyn strolled in at that moment, grinning so wide I thought her face might shatter. “Well! It looks like the cat is well and truly out of the bag,” she said gleefully, waving her hands around.

  “Except it wasn’t really in the bag to start with, so it seems.”

  “That’s true. It didn’t go as badly as you might expect though, did it?”

  “No. Thank god. Who would have thought that Dad knew, all this time?”

  “I know,” Caitlin said. “Poor Matty is still out there. His face is the colour of beetroot.”

  I laughed boisterously, relaxing.

  ***

  Thankfully, we were able to move on from the embarrassing revelation and had a lovely early-evening meal together. As Brennan drove me home afterward, I felt immense relief that the day had gone off with only the one major hitch.

  “Cait seemed nice. Not the same uptight woman I witnessed at the hospital,” said Brennan, eyes on the road.

  “Yeah, she was really good. It felt how it used to be between us, when we were younger.”

  “And Greg’s a top bloke as well. Seems really down to earth.”

  “I’ve always had a soft spot for Greg. Probably because I’ve always felt sorry for him having to put up with Cait.”

  Brennan laughed.

  “What about Dad?” I asked, curious to hear Brennan’s impression of him.

  “You’ve got a great Dad, Leah,” he said.

  I agreed, smiling.

  “Handled that sneaky bit of information about you and Matty well, considering,” he said.

  ‘I was literally ready to throw up with nerves. I thought he would kill Matty.”

  “Ah, it was ten years ago, how mad could he be?”

  “I suppose. I was relieved that it didn’t seem to bother you so much either.” I held my breath, hoping I had made the right assumption.

  “I never expected you to be a virgin. Everyone has a first time. I never thought I’d actually have to meet the guy, but, hey, Matty seems like a decent bloke.”

  “Yeah, he’s pretty good.”

  “You know he likes you,” he said, after a pause.

  I turned to him. “What? Like, like?”

  Brennan nodded. “I could tell.”

  “Really?”

  “Like I said, you’ve probably ruined him for life.”

  I lowered my eyes to my lap. That was something I had never noticed myself.

  ***

  We arrived at Brennan’s apartment at dusk. He twisted the key in the front door lock and swung it open. Barely one step inside, he had his arms firmly around my waist, pulling me close. His hands slid up the length of my thighs until he gripped both of my bare arse cheeks.

  His eyes smouldered with a determination that set my body alight. The thick air of arousal flamed around him and I breathed it in, let it consume me. Brennan crushed his lips against mine, his body tight against me. I could feel the iron hard length of him pressing into my hip as he stepped me backwards into his apartment, ripped my shirt off over my head, and slammed the door behind him with his foot.

  “I didn’t think I was going to be able to get through dinner without having you, Leah,” he breathed, voice deep, urgent. He unclipped my bra and threw it onto the floor, then clutched my breasts with needful hands. I closed my eyes in bliss as his thumbs brushed over my hardening nipples. Tendrils of pleasure spread across my chest, reaching my stomach and lower.

  “We could have left sooner if I’d known that’s how you felt,” I whispered, lust obvious in my voice.

  He slowly crouched in front of me, lowering himself down my body, kissing my neck, my nipples, down to my stomach. I threw my head back and sighed. Arousal weakened my muscles. I was barely able to stand.

  He unzipped my skirt and let it fall to my ankles. When he looked up to meet my gaze, I could see his face was slack with pleasure.

  “You are so beautiful,” he said, sounding husky and
oh, so enticing. And God, what his eyes did to me. Full of promise of all the delicious things he would do to me. He worked his way back up my body, lips brushing against my skin, breath warm and teasing. He framed my face with his hands, tilted my head to him, and kissed me, a low, long groan vibrating from the back of his throat.

  I hastily untied his board shorts. He pulled at the hem of his Lions jersey.

  “Leave it on,” I said quickly.

  He shot me a lopsided grin. “Mmmm, you are naughty, aren’t you?”

  I jumped up into his arms and wrapped my legs tight around his waist. “When I want to be.”

  Chapter 13

  My boss, Gerry, had a female client. She was divorcing her husband—a specialist doctor—after finding out he’d had numerous affairs with younger women in his office. Working with Gerry so closely on the case brought back many unwanted feelings of betrayal and mistrust. The husband’s infidelity stirred up unwanted memories of the past. Of Antony. Emotions and memories I had successfully suppressed for almost two years now bubbled to the surface. They made my body feel heavy.

  I knocked on Gerry’s office door, gripping my stomach. “I don’t feel well. I need to go home.”

  Gerry looked up from the mountains of files on his desk and shot me a harassed glare. “What’s going on?”

  “I feel sick to my stomach. Do you mind if I take off early?” I hated to do this, especially after all the time I’d had off because of my accident. But I thought that if I didn’t, I might run screaming from the office and never come back.

  Gerry narrowed his eyes and then nodded, immediately going back to his paperwork. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  I called Brennan as I left the office. I wanted to head straight over there. I needed that innate comfort he offered simply by being close. The machine picked it up, so I left a brief message to let him know that I was on my way to his place.

  I kept the window down as I drove, breathing in the fresh air. I turned the stereo up, singing along with the music. Anything to distract myself from the emotional spiral that kept replaying in my mind.

  A short time later, I pulled up at Brennan’s apartment building. I noticed Alex’s Jaguar parked out the front. I hoped he wouldn’t be staying long. I didn’t much feel like social interaction. Then I reconsidered; it may be a good thing. A welcome distraction.

  I trudged up the stairs to his apartment, my emotional state improving the further I got away from the office, with its files stuffed with pain and betrayal. As I turned to walk down the narrow corridor to Brennan’s door, I saw that it wasn’t Alex who was visiting. My stomach lurched as I heard a familiar, nasal voice. Joanne.

  Why would Joanne be at Brennan’s apartment?

  Perhaps she had brought the kids to see him? Anxiety sparked through my body. Moving closer, I saw Brennan and Joanne standing in the doorway. I watched as Brennan leant his head towards Joanne, his face moving closer to hers. Almost in slow motion, his eyelids closed. Her face turned, so naturally, in the direction of his lips. He pressed his lips against her cheek, uttering something as he opened his eyes again and straightened back up. She placed her hand on his naked chest and playfully pushed him. I saw the drawstring on his shorts was untied; the Velcro was not fastened properly. The pants hung low on his hips.

  My heart beat rapidly as I concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, forcing my body forwards, towards them. Hearing my awkward footsteps, they both turned their heads in my direction.

  “Leah,” said Brennan, a smile touching his lips. Is it a forced smile?

  “What—What’s going on?” I asked, trying to preserve a fraction of equanimity. All in all, I might have been imagining things; there may have been a plausible explanation for the meeting.

  “I was just leaving,” said Joanne. She winked at Brennan and brushed past me. The sweet scent of her perfume lingered in the corridor.

  I stood there, motionless, watching her walk buoyantly away, trying to stop the chaotic thoughts fluttering through my mind. I turned back to Brennan, that subtle anxiety growing with every moment.

  “What was she here for, Brennan?”

  “She gave me some physio on my shoulder,” said Brennan, rotating his shoulder.

  “Physio on your shoulder?” I repeated. I heard the pitch of my voice escalating, my imagination running wild with all sorts of devious scenarios.

  “Yes,” he said firmly, “What else would we have been doing?”

  I stood directly in front of him. My head was buzzing. The way Joanne had treated me when I first met her. The closeness of their so-called ‘familial’ connection. It all suddenly made sense. Why Joanne had been so jealous of me when Brennan and I had started dating. It had nothing to do with ripping apart happy families, with her children losing an uncle. It had been because she was having an affair with Brennan, and now it was Joanne that was threatened with losing him. I was suddenly very sure of it. They had organised a clandestine meeting today to have adulterous sex, behind my—and Alex’s—back.

  “What do I look like to you? Some kind of gullible moron? To believe a bullshit story like that!” I yelled, my hands flailing.

  Brennan staggered back a step, gaping. I don’t think I had ever raised my voice around him. I had never had the need. But I was not going to be played the fool a second time in my life.

  “Leah, what’s going on?”

  I could feel the tears spilling from my eyes, falling down my cheeks. Even after I had so blatantly caught him out, he was still trying to act innocent.

  “I can’t believe you would do this to me, Brennan!” I screamed. “You, of all people.”

  “Do what? I don’t understand. Please, you have to explain!” he said, his voice frantic now.

  I shook my head and wiped at my eyes. “I’m just grateful I found out now before you strung me along any further. If you want to fuck Joanne behind Alex and my back, then fine…”

  Brennan gasped. “You think I’m fucking Joanne? Is that how little you think of me?”

  “Absolutely. You’re a player like the rest of them…”

  “Leah, I’m not sleeping with Joanne!” he roared.

  “I’m not an idiot. I know what I saw!” I screamed, matching his volume.

  “You obviously have no fucking idea what you saw, and to tell you the truth, I don’t think I want a relationship with someone who would accuse me of something like this.”

  Regardless of what had happened, or the pain I felt from his betrayal, those words stung me more. “That’s fine by me,” I said, suddenly unable to shout any more. “Enjoy your life. I hope you and Joanne are very happy together,” I hissed, storming back to my car, long rivulets of tears running down my cheeks. As I sped off, I turned back to see Brennan standing on the landing watching after me, shaking his head.

  I could barely concentrate on the road as I made my way to my apartment. My stomach was in knots. I breathed deeply, trying to prevent throwing up. Salty tears blurred my vision as I manoeuvred through the traffic.

  An overwhelming, burning anger suddenly exploded within. How could he so casually destroy the wonderful relationship we had together?

  Not nearly soon enough, I arrived home. Gasping for breath, I slammed the front door behind me, wailing as I stormed through the lounge room.

  Danni emerged from her bedroom, eyebrows high. She ran to me and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. “Leah, what’s the matter? What are you doing home so early?”

  “Brennan’s having an affair with Joanne,” I sobbed.

  Danni stepped back, her jaw dropping. “I don’t believe it. He adores you. There’s no way he would…”

  “I saw him, Danni. I saw them together.”

  “What? In bed together?” she asked, wincing.

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “Well, what did you see? Tell me what you saw.”

  I plonked down onto the couch and wiped my eyes with my sleeves. My voice shuddered as I told her of the ordeal.


  “Did you confront them about it?” asked Danni.

  “Joanne left quickly, but when I asked Brennan what was going on, he said that she had come over to give him physio on his shoulder. What kind of bullshit excuse is that? He must think I’m a complete fool.”

  Danni narrowed her eyes, brow creasing. “Could that have been what really happened?”

  “Of course it’s not,” I yelled.

  “Um… Brennan told me that Joanne used to be a sports physio before she had the twins. He said that she gives him sessions on his shoulder nearly every month.”

  I felt a sudden wave of panic shoot through me. “He said that?” I asked, eyes wide.

  “Yes. He told me that not long after we met.”

  “Why don’t I know about it?”

  Danni shrugged. “Maybe you weren’t in the room when he told me.”

  “But he was kissing her,” I said.

  “He kisses me when he leaves. I’m sure he’d kiss his sister-in-law goodbye.”

  I dropped my head into my hands. “Oh my God. What have I done?”

  “Oh, Leah. You need to get on the phone and talk to him about this.”

  I started to cry again. “It’s too late. I’ve completely screwed it up.”

  “I’m sure it will be okay if you just talk to him. He’s a reasonable guy. I’m sure he’d understand that you made a mistake.”

  “No,” I said sobbing. “He said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust him.”

  “You can either try to work it out with him or not, that’s up to you. But I sure as hell know what I’d be doing.”

  “He hates me. I screamed at him. I called him a player.”

  She shook her head, smiling sympathetically. “You’re a troubled piece of work, aren’t you?”

  “I’m an absolute fucking baggage-ridden mental case. That’s what I am. And you can thank your fucking brother for that.”

  She didn’t argue.

  I stood and smoothed my shirt, utterly dejected, unable to tell what was worse: Brennan cheating on me with Joanne or knowing that I had dropped everything in my arsenal to blow any chance of us having a relationship. I knew, in my heart of hearts, that he was not going to forgive me after my brazen, irrational display of mistrust.