Beautiful Illusion

by Jacquie Underdown

  Every now and then she slowed down to a walk to catch her breath, but, for the most part, she jogged her entire circuit, arriving back at the apartment foyer feeling immensely proud. She remembered chiding Brennan for jogging to and from work, but now she understood why he enjoyed it. It was a freeing experience. Then she silently chastised herself for referring to a period of her life, as real as it may have seemed, that didn’t actually exist. She took a mental note to ask Dr Martinez what she needed to do to stop that from happening, and how to deal with reliving those memories as though they had actually happened.

  Leah rode the elevators upstairs and put Ralph out on the back patio to pant and slobber on his own. She showered and, for the first time since leaving hospital, she made a conscious decision of what to wear rather than throwing on whatever was closest to hand.

  Once dressed in a colourful, strapless shift-dress and a pair of silver sandals she decided to make herself look beautiful again. Peering at her sallow appearance, Leah decided that she would need the help of her forgotten friends: foundation, eye shadow and mascara.

  Leah stood before her mirror and applied a light covering of foundation to her face, surprised and cheerful when the long thin scar down her face became almost invisible. She lined her eyes with kohl eyeliner, her lids with a shimmery gold shadow and her lashes with two layers of dark mascara. From her makeup case, she grabbed a red-tinted gloss and dappled her lips with it.

  She took a step back and looked at her reflection. She was definitely much too thin, but at least she didn’t look like a walking corpse any more. Her skin had an even, pleasant tone and her eyes showed some semblance of the sparkle she used to see in them against the gold eye shadow. Now all she needed was to do something with the mop on her head.

  Leah decided she would drive to the hairdressers, instead of taking the bus. Since having received a brand new car three months ago via an insurance claim Cait had handled for her, she had not once driven her new vehicle. Or any vehicle for that matter. Considering the stupor she had been stuck in since the accident, she could have unconsciously caused herself another accident.

  In the basement of the building, Leah climbed into the driver side of her car. She wrapped her fingers around the steering wheel, felt the hard leather under her touch, smelled the new-car smell. She anticipated a flood of anxiety, but instead she felt strangely calm.

  Trying to maintain that composure, she concentrated on keeping her breathing steady as she turned the key. The engine roared to life. Her eyelashes flickered at the sound, but she still felt in control of her body and reactions. She felt at ease. Leah released the handbrake, shifted the car into reverse and backed out of the car park, albeit a little slower than normal. She shoved the gears into first and drove onto the road. Fear was absent as she drove through the streets, even when she stopped at traffic lights. The way she felt surpassed her expectations. She was even a little excited, suddenly liberated by being able to drive wherever and whenever she chose.

  Leah felt oddly exhilarated as she arrived at the hairdressers a short while later. She had gone to a new hairdresser; she didn’t want to give the convoluted story as to why her once long hair was now short and shapeless, in obvious need of drastic attention. For the next three hours Leah had her hair washed, coloured with honey-blonde highlights, and cut into an undercut up-do. As she looked at herself in the mirror, she was amazed at the transformation. She looked like a completely different person.

  ***

  Two hundred and eighty dollars later, she drove to her Dad’s hardware shop where she was met at the front counter by Matty.

  Matty spotted her as she strolled towards him. He smiled, brown eyes wide. “Leah. What a surprise to see you,” he said, coming swiftly over. He threw his arms around her and gave her a welcoming hug. She was taken aback at how much her body reacted to his touch, having been deprived of warm physical contact for so long.

  She studied his kind, handsome face and smiled. “Didn’t Dad tell you I was coming?”

  “No, he told me. It’s all I’ve been hearing about all morning. I guess I’m surprised because you look so great. I mean, you usually look great, but the last time I saw you… you know. Anyway, short hair really suits you.”

  Leah stroked her styled strands. “It does?”

  Matty nodded adamantly. “Yeah, you look super-hot.”

  She laughed. “Thanks, Matty. You really know how to cheer a girl up.”

  He draped his arm casually over her shoulders and led her to the tea room at the back of the shop. “Your Dad has gone to drop off a delivery, but he shouldn’t be much longer. It was only over in the next suburb.” Matty gestured for Leah to take a seat on one of the chairs. “Can I make you a coffee?”

  “Yeah, why not.”

  Matty occupied himself, making the coffee, while Leah took a seat at the table.

  “You look fantastic,” he said over his shoulder as he fussed with mugs and boiling water. “Last time I saw you, it was as though there wasn’t anybody home. You’ve obviously come a long way.”

  “I thought it was about time I presented myself a little better.”

  “Well, you look fantastic. But I’ve already told you that haven’t I? So I’ll just stop right there,” he said, his cheeks flushing.

  Leah laughed. “I’ve missed this sort of conversation.”

  “I’ve missed it too, and so has your dad. I mean, God, I never hear the end of it.”

  Leah lowered her eyes to the table and sighed. “I need to make amends for that.”

  “We all understand what you’ve been through. I mean, we don’t understand in the fullest sense, but we have empathy for how hard it has been for you over the last year. So don’t dare feel obligated to make amends for anything.”

  Matty finished making the coffees, placed Leah’s mug in front of her, and took a seat opposite. “What have you been up to? I missed you at the grand final day at your Dad’s. I thought you would’ve definitely come to that.”

  Leah looked confused then remembered vaguely what he was referring to – the AFL grand final lunch Dad had at his house. She remembers a fuzzy conversation with Cait about it.

  “Ordinarily I would’ve come but, you know, my recovery and everything, I didn’t feel up to it.”

  “You probably don’t go for the Swans anyway.”

  Leah widened her eyes. “Swans and Hawthorn were in the Grand Final?”

  “Yeah, your dad was so excited because his team made it. He so desperately wanted to stick it me finally.”

  Leah arched one eyebrow. “Hawthorn lost, didn’t they?”

  “Yeah, but don’t mention that when Ronny comes back. He’ll be in bad mood for a week.”

  Leah smiled. “I won’t.” She took a sip from her coffee, wondering whether to pursue it any further or not. She couldn’t help herself. She probed further. “The Swans won by ten points, right?”

  “Yeah,” he answered, cocking his head to the side, puzzled.

  The game was not played until months after she was released from hospital, yet she knew the results well before that time. Her head started to spin and she grabbed at the table to stop from overbalancing.

  Matty stood, darting to her side, and held her by the shoulders. “Are you okay?”

  Leah drew a deep breath in. “Can I tell you something in confidence?”

  Matty still held her firmly, but nodded. “You can tell me anything.”

  “You’re not allowed to laugh at me, or think I’m insane.”

  “I promise.”

  Leah was silent for a moment, trying to regain some composure. She took a deep breath in and raised her eyes to Matty’s. “I’m fine, Matty. You don’t need to hold onto me anymore.”

  “You sure?”

  Leah nodded.

  Matty went back to his seat and sat down, setting his gaze on Leah, his masculine features wrinkled with worry. “What do you want to tell me?”

  “Have you heard about what happened to me during my
coma?”

  Matty nodded. “Ronny told me a few things.”

  “Did he tell you about my imagined life during that time?”

  Matty nodded again. “He did tell me about that.”

  “During this imagined life, I actually went to Dad’s to watch the AFL Grand Final. Between Hawthorn and the Swans. Hawthorn lost by ten points.”

  “So, what, you brought real life into your imagination?”

  Leah shook her head slowly, searching Matty’s eyes for understanding. “No. That’s the thing. When I was in hospital, in the coma, the Grand Final hadn’t been played yet in real life.”

  Matty leant back against the chair and dragged his fingers through his wavy brown hair. “You foresaw the future?”

  Leah nodded. “I guess so.” She anticipated Matty’s laugh, or make her double check her dates against her memories, trying to find a rational reason to dispute her theory.

  To his surprise, his expression was serious. “I firmly believe that we don’t even know a fraction of the potential of our minds,” he said.

  Leah smiled. “I’m just starting to realise that. To be in a coma to start with is traumatic enough, but then… to second guess your own sanity because of stuff like this.”

  “It must be tough. But very bloody fascinating, you’ve got to agree.”

  Leah laughed. “I’m glad you think so.”

  Matty leaned his body closer to Leah, resting his elbows on the table. “I’ve haven’t told anyone before about this, but about ten years ago, just before I started working for your Dad, I had a really unusual experience.”

  “What happened?” Leah asked, imitating his body language, leaning forward across the table.

  “About two weeks before my father found out he had cancer, I remember looking at him one day when he was sitting in his armchair reading the paper and, as clear as day, I could see this blackness surrounding him. It was the weirdest experience and, at the time, I didn’t know what the hell it was. If anything. I just forgot that it even happened. But two weeks later, Dad came back from seeing the doctors about a mole he had on his calf. It turned out he had a melanoma in its advanced stages, which had already spread, giving him secondary cancer in his liver. Dad only lived four months after that day. I know now, what I saw—the blackness around him—was the cancer.”

  Leah looked at Matty, her eyes wide and slightly moist. A fresh batch of goose bumps spread over the length of her entire body. “That’s pretty freaky,” she whispered.

  “Tell me about it. But that’s why I believe we have abilities beyond what we can appreciate, or even understand.”

  “Either that, or you and I are both insane,” Leah said, laughing, trying for lightness.

  “Is there anything else that you’ve foreseen?” he asked.

  But before Leah could answer, Ronny burst into the room. “Leah, my beautiful girl!” he said, extending his arms for a hug.

  Leah smiled at her father and stood. “Hi, Dad,” she said giving him a quick cuddle.

  “I nearly never recognised you with your hair like that. You look great, love.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  “You want a coffee, Ronny?” asked Matty, pre-empting the answer and standing to make his way to the counter.

  “Sure, mate,” said Ronny.

  Leah and Ronny both took a seat at the table. Ronny seemed unable to take his eyes off his daughter.

  “You look so beautiful, Leah. It’s so wonderful to see you. I was starting to get very worried about you.”

  Leah’s stomach clenched. “I’m sorry. I haven’t been myself for the last six months. It’s kind of like I’ve been swimming in a pool of mud. Unable to get my head above water.”

  He placed his hand on Leah’s shoulder. “Don’t apologise for something you had no control over. I’m just glad to see the old Leah back.”

  “I can’t say I’m the old Leah. I don’t think I’ll ever be that person again, not after what I’ve been through. Maybe I’m a better version of the new Leah,” she said, smiling.

  “Either way, I’m glad to see you smiling and talking and listening.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “So the therapy is working?”

  Leah glanced at Matty sheepishly, unsure if he knew about her visits to a shrink or not. Matty smiled reassuringly. “I don’t know if it’s the therapy, or that my brain has finally set itself right after the injuries, or simply time,” she said.

  “Well, you keep doing what you’re doing, because it’s obviously agreeing with you,” said Ronny.

  “I plan to.”

  Matty placed a fresh mug of coffee in front of Ronny, who took a long sip, unable to wipe the smile from his face. “God, it’s good to see you.”

  “You too, Dad.”

  “What’ve you been up to?” he asked.

  “I’ve been cooking up a storm in Cait’s kitchen every night. Walking Ralph every day. I actually even jogged today.”

  Ronny nodded. “That’s great, Leah.”

  “It was quite strange yesterday. I tasted food for the first time in six long months.”

  Ronny and Matty both looked at her with furrowed brows.

  “I don’t think I’ve been able to taste anything I’ve eaten since the accident. Then yesterday, I made myself a massive pile of bacon and eggs, and absolutely relished the taste. It felt as though it was the first time I had eaten them. Then this morning, I made pancakes with maple syrup and they were heavenly too.”

  Ronny laughed. “That’s my girl,” he said. “It won’t hurt you to put on a little weight. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you so thin.”

  Leah lowered her head, cheeks flushed. “I know. But I’ll put it back on soon enough. It’s not hard to do.”

  Ronny patted his full stomach. “Don’t I know about that?”

  ***

  Leah enjoyed her Dad’s and Matty’s company for longer than she planned. She realised this when one of Ronny’s employees came into the tearoom wanting his assistance.

  He stood. “Sorry, but I need to go and help out with this.”

  “That’s alright. I’m going to head home now anyway.”

  “Okay, darling,” he said, leaning down and kissing her quickly on the cheek. “It’s knock-off time for you isn’t it, Matty?”

  Matty looked at his watch and grinned. “So it is.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow morning, mate.”

  “No worries, Ronny. Have a good afternoon.”

  Ronny left the room, leaving Leah and Matty alone again.

  “Why do you get an early mark today?” asked Leah with a subtle taunting tone.

  “I’ve been here since four, so I deserve it.”

  “Four in the morning? That’s a bit rich, isn’t it?”

  Matty laughed. “Yeah, we had a big order to fill this morning. I don’t mind the early starts, though. It means I get the whole afternoon off.”

  She smiled. “I suppose that’s looking on the bright side.”

  “Since I have the afternoon off, why don’t we go and grab a coffee together. I’d like to hear more about what we were talking about before.”

  Leah’s eyes widened. “You would?”

  “I love that sort of shit. I find it fascinating.”

  Leah smiled. Perhaps her therapist knew more than Leah had given her credit for. “I’d like that, Matty. Do you know what else I would like?”

  He shook his head. “Tell me.”

  “A massive piece of vanilla baked cheesecake.”

  Matty laughed. “I’m sure I can accommodate your needs. My shout.”

  Matty drove Leah to a coffee shop a few blocks away. They sat inside at one of the booths up the back. Leah ordered a piece of cheesecake and a latte; Matty, a flat white and a caramel tart.

  Matty leant closer to Leah across the short table. “Tell me more about your experiences. Have you noticed anything else uncanny like the AFL Grand Final thing?”

  “No. Nothing like that.” She shrugged
. “I mean, there are a few things I’ve seen. A brand of cheese, and a man I knew in the coma world on an advertisement.”

  “It’s quite spooky. How is it that you could create stuff like that in your head, an entire football match, before it even happened?”

  Leah released a long sigh. “I really don’t know, but it’s enough to make me question my own sanity. Like I wasn’t doing enough of that already,” she said, rolling her eyes. “You know, I’m trying to rationalise it in my mind as we speak and I can’t come up with anything.”

  “I can’t help you out in the answers department either, but it really puts it all into another light, doesn’t it?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, you have to wonder how much of your experience in a coma was really made up and how much of it was, you know, actual insight into the future.”

  Leah was silent for a moment as she thought that over in her head. “I didn’t look at it that way.”

  “I’m probably just talking shit,” he said. “I’m no expert. Just someone with a general interest in the unexplainable.”

  Leah smiled. “It’s so nice to talk to you, Matty.”

  “You too.”

  She leant back against her chair. “What about you? Did you have any more experiences like that with your father’s cancer?”

  “Nope. I’m just a one-hit-wonder, sorry. Although, I’m not sure that’s such a bad thing when death is involved.”

  “That’s a good point.”

  ***

  Leah ended up divulging all the details about her coma delusions, including Brennan, Kerri and the disagreements with Joanne.

  “And you know what else you would find very interesting?” Leah said, enjoying her easy conversation about a part of her life she had been taking much too seriously.

  “What?”

  Leah lowered her eyes, cheeks flushing. “Remember that first Christmas you spent with my family, just after your Dad died?”

  “How could I forget? That was the Christmas you so skilfully stole my virginity,” he said with a bashful grin.

  Leah blushed again and giggled. “Um. Yeah. That’s the one. I didn’t think you would have forgotten such a memorable experience.”