Frat Hell

by S. M. Shade

  Last night, I decided I was tired of the games and texted him, asking if he was angry at me, or what was going on. I don’t know what I expected, but him responding with needing a break wasn’t it. A break. I should break him like a fucking Kit Kat bar, but I don’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing he’s hurt me.

  I’ve kept busy by packing up all of Mom’s things for the shipping company that’s coming by today. I can only imagine what Aunt Helen paid to send all these boxes to Hawaii.

  My phone pings with a message from an unfamiliar number.

  Hello, I saw your ad about the ring found in White River. My name is Gerald Harper, and I believe it belongs to me. The inscription should read, To my dear Maeetta, the loveliest woman.

  A smile jumps onto my face for the first time in a week. My life may suck at the moment, but it looks like I’ll be able to make someone’s day.

  Me: Yes, it’s your ring. I’d be happy to return it to you.

  Him: I work at the coffee shop next door to the university every day from nine to five. Would you mind bringing it by?

  It’s only eight a.m. now. Yes, I was eating ice cream for breakfast. Don’t judge me.

  Me: I’ll stop by today.

  Him: Thank you.

  I can’t wait to hear the story behind the ring. Maybe it will renew my faith in love and relationships. I’ve built a little narrative in my head of a cute older couple, out fishing on the river, when his wife loses the ring. She’s distraught for days, even though he buys her a new one. There’s no replacing the sentiment of the original ring. I imagine him bringing it to her and her squeal of happiness. Noble was amused when I told him the story, but what the hell does he know? I want to believe that. I need to believe there are happy endings out there, at least for some people.

  The ice cream goes back into the freezer, and I take a quick shower. I’m running the flat iron through my hair when the shipping company arrives. By the time they have all Mom’s stuff loaded, I’m ready to go.

  The little coffee shop is bustling with college students, laughing and chatting over their phones and laptops. A corner table with five girls erupts into giggles as I walk in. Ugh. I’m suddenly happy I didn’t do the college thing. I’d still like to take some business classes, but living in a dorm surrounded by these women would send me off the nearest bridge.

  An older man works the counter. He hands a young man a cup, then smiles at me. “What can I get you?”

  “Mr. Harper? I’m January. I found your wife’s ring.”

  “Right, yeah, thanks for coming down here.” He turns and yells for another employee to relieve him, then leads me to an empty table.

  “I can’t believe you found it. After seeing your ad, I Googled magnet fishing. I hadn’t ever heard of it, but it looks interesting. It’s sure going to save me a lot of money.”

  His statement is confusing, but I don’t bother to ask him to clarify. Taking the ring from my pocket, I hand it to him. “It needs cleaning, as you can see, but it should be restorable.” A pang shoots through me as I show him my wrist—more specifically the silver bracelet hanging from it. “We found this at the same time and it was in far worse shape.”

  “Well, turn me upside down and paint me blue. How about that?” He marvels at the difference in the thickly tarnished ring and the shiny bracelet.

  “Do you mind telling me how it was lost? I’m sure it’s an interesting story.”

  His face darkens. “Yeah, damn movie of the week,” he scoffs. “My wife and I were married for almost twenty-one years. I bought her this ring on our twentieth wedding anniversary. Nearly a year before I found out she was screwing the neighbor and had been for ten years. The topper was discovering my youngest son wasn’t mine.”

  The swell of hope I felt dissipates like dew in the sunshine. “Oh, I’m so sorry. I-did she throw the ring away?”

  “No, I did. It was stupid, but I was angry. Then she sued for the ring in the divorce and won. Since I couldn’t produce it, they’ve been after me for the money.” A devious smile inches across his face, drawing lines around his mouth. “Now, she can have it back, just like it is.”

  So, theory confirmed. Love is bullshit.

  Getting to my feet, I slip my coat on. “Great. Well, I’m glad I could help you out.”

  “Let me get you some breakfast,” he offers. “It’s the least I can do.”

  “No thank you. I’ve already eaten.”

  “A coffee then.”

  The ice cream I ate is bubbling on my stomach. “Thanks, but I have to run.”

  I make it to the door before one of the giggling girls calls out, “Aren’t you dating PP?”

  The whole table stares at me like I have toilet paper hanging out of my pants or something. “PP?” I repeat, taking a few steps to their table.

  The group laughs, and one of the girls speaks up, “You’re seeing Noble Bradley, right?”

  “Ah, well, something like that.”

  They all nod knowingly. “See, he’s taken. I told you,” a blond says to the girl next to her.

  There’s no way I’m telling them he’s available. “Why did you call him PP?”

  They all giggle again, and I want to permanently cauterize their vocal cords by the time one of them speaks up. “Sorry, that’s what he’s known by at school.” She drops her voice. “You know, because of his porn penis.”

  Lord help me.

  My heart gallops as I ask. “Have any of you actually seen it?”

  Their faces fall. “No, so you have to tell us. Is it true? They say it’s like twelve inches long,” the blond says, awe ringing in her voice.

  Oh, this is just too perfect of an opportunity.

  I flip my hair over my shoulder and lean in. “You shouldn’t believe everything you hear, girls. Twelve inches? It’s four tops, although, it does sometimes smell like a foot.”

  I choke back a laugh as their mouths all fall open in a perfect O.

  “You’re kidding,” the blonde breathes.

  “Nope, hung like a baby carrot, poor guy. I don’t know where that rumor got started. He’s a nice guy, though, and there are more important things, you know? I’ve got to run. Have a good day, girls.”

  They’re leaned in with their heads together, whispering furiously before I make it out the door.

  That felt better than it should have. It almost makes up for the disappointment of finding out the ring was attached to a depressing divorce story.

  I have just enough time to swing by my apartment and grab my tablet before heading to work. I know it’s going to be a long day, so I definitely need a distraction. Love in real life may be a myth, but my book boyfriends never let me down.

  Work drags by. Don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love my job at Scarlet Toys, but a gloom has settled over me I can’t seem to shake.

  Fucking Noble.

  Stupid, cute asshole.

  I hope he trips and squishes his porn penis into a little Vienna sausage.

  My only real entertainment of the day comes when Clarence pokes his head into the office. “Hey, Jani, there’s a woman out here insisting on talking to a manager.”

  Great. The last time this happened it was a young woman wanting advice on how to remove a small dildo that “got sucked into” her ass. I manage a sex store. I’m not a doctor. I’m sure the fact her ass left the room two minutes after she did contributed to the issue, but, you know, I had to be nice and professional. Sometimes it’s a struggle.

  A lady stands at the counter, a giant purse tucked under her arm, receipt in hand. Now, our policy—and yeah, we actually need one—is no returns that have been opened unless they are defective and unused.

  The whopper of a vibrator she’s waving around definitely doesn’t qualify.

  “Hi, I’m the manager. How can I help you?”

  She purses her lips. “As I’ve been trying to explain to your employees, this is not what I paid for. The package says it offers intense vibrations. This thing barely buzz
es.” I take a step back at the sight of the obviously used and not well cleaned vibe. She flips it on and it nearly rattles out of her hand. If that’s not strong enough, I don’t know what the hell would be. But I’m also not going to argue this. It’s gross, and I just want her gone.

  “I’m sorry about that.” I recognize the item and grab another off the shelf to check the price.

  “Clarence, please refund her sixty-seven dollars and ninety-nine cents.”

  “Thank you.” She tries to hand it to me, and I have to swallow back a vurp. You know, a vomit burp.

  “You can keep it. Thanks for shopping with us.”

  Satisfied, she takes her money and exits.

  Clarence and Henry burst out laughing, and I shudder. “So gross.”

  “She shouldn’t get a refund,” Henry says. “It’s not our fault she needs a toy with a twelve volt battery and pull start like a lawnmower.”

  “I’m not about to argue over a crusty vibrator. I’ll take the loss.”

  The front door dings, and I look up to see Cassidy grinning at me.

  “Hey, boss lady!” Clarence exclaims, hugging her.

  “I’m not the boss lady anymore.” She laughs and nods at me. “Jani isn’t being too tough on you, is she?”

  “Nah, she’s a peach. You just missed a woman trying to return a dirty vibrator, though.”

  “I’ll try to get over the disappointment.” She grabs my arm and drags me back to the office.

  “What? Did Wyatt do something? I’ll clip his nuts off like a dog. I’m in that state of mind.”

  “No.” She takes a seat on my desk, her legs swinging in front of her. “I have news. News I thought Wyatt and I agreed not to share for a while, but apparently Noble knows, so you should too.”

  My heart jumps to life at the sound of his name, and I resist asking a dozen questions. Like when did you talk to him? How is he doing? Is he seeing someone else? Did you know they call him porn penis at school?

  Instead, I stamp a smile on my face. “Okay, shoot.”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  It takes a second for me to absorb her words. “No shit?”

  Her laughter spills into the hallway. “Yeah, no shit. I wanted to wait until the second trimester to tell anyone, but it’s been killing me.”

  “Congratulations! I’m so happy for you! Oh my god, you and Wyatt are going to make the cutest babies ever!”

  We laugh, and I hug her hard, nearly knocking her off the desk. I know how much Cassidy wanted a family. This is her dream come true.

  When we calm down, she looks me in the eye and asks, “Do you want kids someday?”

  I chew my lip and shake my head. “I know it probably makes me sound like a selfish bitch, but no, I don’t think I do. I mean, it’s great for you and Wyatt, and I couldn’t be happier for you, but I like my freedom. I want to be able to sleep in on my days off and do what I want without worrying about the extra responsibility.”

  Cassidy smiles at me. “It’s not selfish at all. It would be more selfish to have kids because it’s expected when it isn’t what you want. You only get one life, so live it the way that will make you happiest, because really, isn’t that the whole point of living?”

  Nudging her leg with my foot, I grin back at her. “Those hormones have turned you all philosophical already.”

  “It’s put things in perspective. Which is why I want to talk to you about Noble. I think you should give him another chance.”

  Where the hell did that come from?

  “I’m not even sure where to start on this one,” I laugh, getting to my feet. “First of all, he broke it off with me, not the other way around, and he hasn’t tried to contact me since.”

  “I know. Now, don’t get pissed, but I may have confronted him.”

  Damn it. I would’ve done the same thing for her, but still.

  “You confronted him? When?”

  “A few minutes ago. At his work.”

  I pace the small office like a trapped moth. “You went to his job to yell at him?”

  “Yes, but I didn’t yell. I calmly talked to him. He’s really hurting too.”

  “I doubt that. It was his decision.”

  She hops off the desk. “I know. He fucked up. I don’t want to get into details because it’s his place to tell you, not mine, but it really had nothing to do with you, Jani. It’s all about his own insecurities.”

  She steps forward and puts her hands on my shoulders. “I’m not taking his side or condoning his bullshit. You know that, right?”

  “Yeah.” I know better than that. Cass has always had my back.

  “Just listen to him when he comes crawling back. Let him explain. Will you do that? You guys are just too good together, and I know how happy you’ve been. I’d hate to see you throw away a good thing because he got cold feet.”

  “I’ll listen to him, but I can’t promise I won’t kill him after.”

  She gives me a hug. “Then call me and we’ll dispose of the body.”

  ***

  After talking with Cass, I expect Noble to show up at my place, but I didn’t expect him to be a dark shade of pink. His face, neck, hands, and wrists, every bit of skin I can see looks like it’s been dipped in Pepto-Bismol.

  It broke the ice on an uncomfortable, angsty moment, at least. “What the hell happened to you?” I exclaim.

  “It’s a long story. Can I come in? Please?”

  I step back, letting him inside. His scent wafts behind him and my heart tightens. I’ve missed him so much. Asshole.

  He fidgets uncomfortably, his hands shoved in the pockets of his hoodie. “January, I’m so sorry. I made a huge mistake.”

  “By dating me or breaking up with me?” I ask, sitting on the couch. If he thinks I’m going to make this easy, and run back into his arms just because he apologizes, he’d better think again. I want to know why.

  “I would never describe our relationship as a mistake.” He paces the room until I grab his arm.

  “Sit down. You’re making me nervous.”

  “Sorry.” He sits beside me on the couch.

  “Look, I’ve had a long day and by the looks of you, yours wasn’t much better so let’s skip the bullshit, okay? Why are you here?”

  “I want you back. I know I screwed up, and I’m so sorry. I just…freaked out when I saw Wyatt and Cass getting married. Everything just sort of piled onto me and I felt…I don’t know. Overwhelmed.”

  His blue eyes are filled with sincerity, but I really don’t know what he’s talking about. “I don’t understand.”

  He rubs the back of his neck. “I guess I’m stressed. School, a new job—which isn’t going well, as you can tell.” He gestures to his pink skin.

  “And I added to your stress?” I clarify, feeling anger beginning to build.

  “No. Shit, I’m not explaining this very well. Being with you was the opposite of stressful. I love spending time with you. It was all the things I thought being in love meant, the expectations of marriage, buying a house, having a baby. I suddenly felt like an adult and I’m not prepared to be one. Fuck, I don’t feel any different than I did at eighteen.”

  Is he insane?

  “Whoa. Back the hell up. What are you talking about? Noble, I’ve never asked you for anything. Not one single thing. I’ve never even mentioned marriage. I mean, we were together for about five minutes. And kids? Are you fucking insane? You think I want kids? What’s wrong with you?”

  His laugh is bitter. “I wish I knew. I saw Cassidy getting all the things she’s ever wanted, and all I could think was how much you deserve those things. And I can’t give them to you.” His eyes are filled with pain when he looks at me. “I can’t have kids. I’m sterile. I found out a few years ago.”

  Wow, I wasn’t expecting that. My heart goes out to him because even though I don’t want children, I can’t imagine how it would feel not to have a choice.

  A dull headache begins behind my eyes, and I rub my forehead. “
I’m sorry about that. I really am, but, did it ever occur to you to ask me what I want, because kids don’t even come close to making the list. And I don’t see the point in marriage.”

  That’s truer than ever after the ring fiasco today.

  “I know. I should’ve talked to you. I don’t really know why I reacted that way.”

  He looks so miserable all I want to do is wrap my arms around him, but I also have my own heart to protect. “Noble, I get it. I’ve spent years taking care of my mom, worrying I’m not going to make rent, or be able to get her meds. I know what it’s like to have anxiety knock you on your ass.”

  “So, you’ll take me back?” I hate to douse the hope in his eyes, but I can’t just jump back in.

  “I just need a little time to think.”

  He nods, getting to his feet. “I understand.” His gaze locks on mine. “I love you Jani. That’s not going to change, no matter your decision.”

  I can’t resist pulling him into my arms. “I love you too. Just give me a couple of days, okay? To get my own head together.”

  “Okay.”

  I step back and pull up his sleeve, revealing an equally pink arm. “Now, why do you look like a giant penis?”

  His smile is shy and embarrassed. “Google science experiment fail. It’s already all over Youtube, thanks to Kenny.” He runs his fingers over my wrist. “You’re still wearing my bracelet.”

  “It’s pretty. It’s not the bracelet’s fault you were a dick.”

  He chuckles and shakes his head. “Can I call you in a couple of days?”

  “Yeah.”

  I walk him to the door, and stare after him a little too long when he walks away. My sigh feels like it comes from my entire body. I hate this emotional shit. I understand Noble’s anxiety better than I’d like to admit. Mine just happens to be more focused on relationships than anything else.

  There’s no doubt in my mind I love Noble. I’m just not sure loving anyone is such a great idea at the moment.