Yours Completely

by Joya Ryan

  He put his jacket next to his helmet on the table, leaving him in his pants with the red suspenders hanging down and a tight white T-shirt. Every muscle and ridge was defined, and those poor cotton sleeves could barely contain his biceps.

  He ushered me to the nearest corner for some kind of privacy. At least I didn’t have to see anyone over his towering build and massive shoulders. He was like a—

  My throat closed again.

  Wall.

  He was like a wall.

  Just like Jack had been the first night I met him.

  But Cal wasn’t Jack. I didn’t want him to be. Because, wall or not, and similarities aside, there were still large differences. It pinged my chest every time a twist of something familiar came out from Cal. And he had no idea. He couldn’t know what my mind was doing to me, but he let me babble and be pissy with him anyway.

  “Can you at least tell me what things you don’t want me to think about?” he asked, referring to my earlier statement.

  His blue eyes were like an ocean at dawn, and I wanted to tell him exactly what I was thinking. That I hated how I felt inside. Hated that this hollowness followed me everywhere, and I couldn’t beat it. Hated that every time I looked at Cal or was in his presence, were the only times I felt remotely warm.

  I didn’t want to think about any of it.

  But him? “Mostly, I just don’t want you thinking I’m broken.”

  His expression turned serious. “Kitten, you’re far from broken.” His words rolled off his tongue so genuinely, it actually made me believe him. “But, since I’m not allowed to think in your presence, I won’t tell you that while I generally disagree with your pal Harper, she’s on to something in trying to get you to move.”

  “I’ve moved on,” I defended quickly.

  “I didn’t say move on. That may never happen.”

  His honesty hit like a slap in the face. He’d called out my lie, because no, I hadn’t totally moved on from Jack. And, truthfully, he’d just confirmed my greatest fear that I may never.

  “Consider just moving in a different direction.” His voice was raspy, and I realized it was because, at some point, he’d gotten closer. My nose almost brushed his chest as I looked up into his eyes.

  “And what direction might that be?” I asked, my own voice a little thick.

  The sexiest grin a man could ever be blessed with split his face.

  “One far away from here.”

  I tried to breathe, but instead, his scent engulfed me and made my senses go haywire. That lust I’d been fighting? It was not playing nice right now. It wasn’t about just having sex, it was about connection. I missed being touched. Missed feeling skin against mine. Sex used to be an ugly, terrifying notion to me. But it had been repackaged as beautiful and intimate—and damn it, I missed it.

  Minus the intimacy.

  I didn’t want to get caught up in feelings again, because it hurt way too much when the curtain fell, the bliss was over, and all that was left was a soul-deep kind of freeze that cracked my bones.

  No…no intimacy.

  But touch?

  My hands itched to do just that.

  “You said you didn’t want to be here,” Cal rasped. “I can take you away. Say yes and I’ll do that.”

  I swallowed hard. Did I want Cal to take me away? Yes. But saying it out loud made it more concrete, gave the feelings I’d chosen to ignore power. “I have to tell Harper I’m leaving first.”

  “Okay,” he said and moved aside. I glanced around the house of people and couldn’t find her.

  “Let me look for her, I’ll meet you by the front door. Wait for me there.”

  “Yes ma’am,” Cal said with a smile. When he said it like that, I realized that I’d just given an order. Huh. Interesting. And not an entirely bad feeling. In fact, it was kind of surprising how much I liked the authoritative tone in my voice.

  I wove through a bunch of people, looking for Harper. I peeked out the window—no one on the back porch either. I went upstairs, then turned down the hall and called out her name.

  Nothing.

  A low muffled sound was coming from one of the rooms. The door was slightly open, so I tapped lightly.

  “Harper?” I asked and looked in. She was bent over the bed while someone in a Viking costume fucked her from behind. I gasped and shut the door.

  There was a string of quiet curses, followed by Harper adjusting her costume as she came out and glared at me.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t mean to barge in, I just wanted you to know I was thinking of leaving.”

  “Oh,” she said, breathing heavily. “With who?”

  “Cal is going to give me a ride home.”

  She nodded. Now wasn’t the time to ask what was going on or who she was with. I hadn’t been able to see his face, and couldn’t recall who came in a Viking costume. It technically wasn’t my business anyway. But I still cared about Harper. She was my best friend, and we had come here together.

  “Are you going to be okay getting home?”

  She smiled and glanced over her shoulder. “Yeah, I’m all good.”

  I nodded and hustled away. Yep, not the time or the place. She was doing her thing and, apparently, that thing was a Viking, so…if that wasn’t my cue to exit, nothing was.

  As I walked downstairs, I saw Cal standing by the door, just like I’d asked, rather told. A small flare of warmth lit me up. I was in control. At least attempting to be.

  Chapter 2

  Cal put his truck in park and killed the engine. Coming around the front, he opened my door and helped me out, then grabbed the six pack of beer he’d “borrowed” from his friend’s party and walked toward the tailgate.

  “God, it’s beautiful out here,” I said, taking a deep breath of fresh air. It was chilly, but clear and bright. Cal had taken a back road that led to a small pond with a great view of the Colorado wilderness as a backdrop.

  “Yeah, whenever I’m not in the mood, I usually come out here,” he winked.

  Though he was using my words from earlier, I was still curious to ask, “Why?”

  “Perspective. See over there where the woods are?”

  I looked in the direction he pointed and frowned. “You mean those few sticks that look like they once were trees?”

  “Yep, those. There was a forest fire several years back. It was the first call I went on.” He popped a beer open, took one quick drink, then handed it to me.

  “That must have been intense,” I said, squinting to see more of what was left of the forest. While the grand scene was something that could be plastered on the cover of National Geographic, there was this one blemish of what once was. A forest that once thrived was off in the distance. It was hard to see, especially in the dark, but it was there.

  “It was.” Moonlight reflected off the pond and lit his face so well that I could see every small expression and angle of his lips as he spoke. “I was scared as hell and so fucking excited at the same time.”

  I took a sip of beer. The cold glass bottle chilled my upper lip as I drank a long swallow down.

  “Well, you were running into something you knew would burn you. That would be scary.”

  “And exciting,” he repeated that last word. “It was also sad seeing all the devastation it left behind.” His shoulder brushed mine as he reached out, gently took the beer, and took another drink before handing it back. “Could have been a lot worse, though. It was the only time I thought I wasn’t going to make it out.”

  “What?” I said in shock.

  He just chuckled. Chuckled! Like him almost dying in a fire was “just another day.”

  “I was younger, trained, but still a rookie. A tree fell and the fire spread really fast and surrounded me.”

  “So, you just come out here, look at this place, and remember?”

  “Yeah, because I have to.”

  “No, you don’t,” I said softly. Remembering the bad stuff sounded like a terrible idea to me, yet Cal
had a different opinion when it came to this.

  “People run into things they know will burn them all the time,” he said. His words hit me hard and the pain in my chest redoubled, thinking of Jack. I’d ran fast and blind into him, and knew the whole time he was an inferno I couldn’t control.

  “I learned a lot,” Cal continued. “Like how to handle myself better for next time. That’s why I come out here. To remember the pain, the adrenaline, and the fear. All of it gave me tools to be better.”

  I bit the inside of my cheek and fidgeted with the beer in my hand. “That’s a good lesson,” I admitted. “And I’m glad you brought me here. I’m glad you’re okay.”

  I handed him the bottle once more, my hand was now freezing, having clasped the bottle for so long, and I rubbed them together quickly.

  “You warm enough?” he asked, opening the tailgate.

  “I’m alright, the cape is pretty heavy.”

  Cal, however, was wearing only a T-shirt and fireman’s pants. While it was a great look for him, he couldn’t be that warm.

  “What about you?” I asked.

  “Yeah, I’m good. I tend to run hot.”

  I nodded, having no doubt about that. Without warning, he grabbed my waist, his big hands sliding around my hips as he lifted me up to sit on the tailgate. I gasped a little at the surprise of his touch. No matter how brief it was. He sat me down, then stood in front of me. I shivered a little because, even in the dark, with the glow of the taillights illuminating the night, I could see his blue eyes roam across my body like he was searching for something.

  He’d looked at me the same way the night I’d met him. He had a way of effortlessly making me feel seen, inspiring a soul-deep heat that caused my mind to crank out the memory of his lips, and how amazing they felt against mine.

  “I’m not buying it, Kitten,” he finally said. Before I could ask more, he left me sitting there, grabbed something from the cab of the truck, then came back. “Here.” He wrapped his fire jacket over my shoulders. The smell of spice and the feel of the rough material instantly engulfed me, and I took another deep breath.

  Wide open space, stars, and wrapped in Cal’s jacket made me feel déjà vu. I remembered the time Jack had wrapped me in his coat when I’d first met him.

  I closed my eyes and hung my head. It was like Cal and Jack were connected on some cosmic level.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, putting his hands on either side of my hips, grabbing the edge of the tailgate.

  I shook my head. “I feel like this is some cruel game.”

  “What do you mean?”

  I laughed, but there was nothing funny about this situation. “I don’t know what I mean. It sounds crazy.”

  “I can deal with crazy.” He stepped a little closer until my dangling shins met his thighs. “Tell me.” The deep rough sound of his voice was something I’d never heard before. It was a command. Casual, easygoing Cal was obviously alpha, but this was the first time I’d ever heard the dominance come out. I tried hard not to respond, but my entire body wouldn’t listen.

  “Everything feels like a repeat,” I said, and glanced at his face. “Jack left, and it hurts. Still hurts. But you are his friend and there are similarities.”

  He frowned, but took another small step closer, shifting his hips, and silently urging me to continue. So I did. No reason not to be honest.

  “There are certain things you say, how you move…even giving me your jacket. Those moments just remind me of him. How we met. Words he said to me once.”

  Cal took a rough breath that seemed to be lined with less than thrilled intent.

  “It’s never fun being compared to another man,” he said.

  I hung my head, but he cupped my neck and made me face him. His touch was warm, and felt so good against my skin. Once upon a time, I’d associated it with a dirty thing, but now I craved it. Missed it. Longed for the skin to skin connection. It was like a drug.

  “I want you to really hear what I’m saying, Lana,” Cal started. His eyes bored into mine. “I’m not Jack.”

  “I know,” I said quickly, and dismissed it because yeah, that was obvious.

  “No.” He held firm. “I’m. Not. Jack.”

  I studied him for a long time. Anger and angst rolled off of him. But there was understanding too. Some kind of patience I couldn’t quite put my finger on, but I felt it in how he touched me.

  “I’m not Jack,” he said once more, “And I’m not going to be your dark corner either.”

  I frowned. But he went on.

  “I know Jack hurt you, and yes, he’s my best friend. I know what’s ahead of me when it comes to you, and it’s not going to be easy. We may have some common ground, but we’re different people. If you want to hide, I can’t help with that or allow it.” His thumb traced my cheekbone. “But if you want to run? Fight? Feel something?” One more step and my legs had to spread slightly to welcome him into my space. “That’s my department all day long.”

  His sly grin was sexy but serious, and made me want to do all those things at the same time. Run away, fight with him, feel something. Because there was an anger deep in me too. And I wanted to unleash it.

  He was right, though. The shadow that had served as my protection, my hideout, had been Jack. The corner of my world that he had sheltered and controlled. That carried heat and a safe place that pushed my limits to accept my strength.

  But that wasn’t Cal.

  “It’s up to you, Lana. But understand that whatever is going on, whatever shit you need to work out regarding Jack, I’m here. I want to hear about it.”

  “I’m mad,” I whispered. “I feel like I’m not the same person I was.”

  “Because you’re not. But that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.”

  I shook my head. This whole moment was ridiculous. Thinking of Jack, talking about it, was something I avoided. Because his memory did what it always did.

  It upset me and made me realize for the millionth time that my strength had come with a price. I’ve given away part of myself. Trusted him. Loved him. And he healed a piece of my heart. He also took that part with him when he left.

  I may be less than I was, but I was stronger. And I was not interested in letting someone else exercise their needs over me. Once upon a time, I’d liked it. Liked how I was taken over. Craved it even.

  Not anymore. It was my time to exercise my needs. And I needed to stop feeling. Stop the hollow pain that was taking over.

  “It is up to me,” I said in a low tone I didn’t recognize. “And I don’t want to feel any of this.”

  If I was going to feel something, damn it, it would be something good. And it wouldn’t have anything to do with Jack or his memory. It would be mine. My actions. My emotions. My control.

  Cal stared at me hard. “What do you see when you look at me?”

  The question was so blunt, so honest, I couldn’t escape it. I gazed into his blue eyes and wondered for the thousandth time what my life would have been like if I’d met Cal first. So many doubts and unknowns. But in that moment, the answer to his question was suddenly clear.

  “I see my next mistake.”

  Without thinking, I grabbed his shirt in my fist, and kissed him hard.

  His hand slipped to my nape and he pulled me into him until my lips mashed further against his. I moaned, instantly recognizing him from all those months ago. But this time it wasn’t soft, it was heavy and intoxicating. His free arm wrapped around my waist and pulled me into him, my legs spreading wide until my skirt bunched enough to give room for him to be flush against me.

  Every part of him was hard, strong, and surrounded me. I didn’t reach out, didn’t cling to him the way I wanted, because that would be too much. I wouldn’t reach out for anyone again. It wasn’t a smart action, and I’d learned that reaching only gave room for them to pull away.

  So, I kissed him, keeping my hand locked on the center of his chest, grabbing only the soft cotton there. I leaned in as h
e worked his mouth over mine, his tongue seeking and dueling. He pulled me even closer. The thick material of his fire pants scratched the insides of my thighs, and God damn, it felt good. Even better was his hardening cock that hit just the right spot and had me seeing stars behind my closed eyes.

  I bit his lip and thrust my tongue hard. Deeper. The wantonness that lay dormant in me was rousing. With every touch, every taste, I awakened a little more. Wanted more. Wanted him.

  His stubble rubbed against my chin, delivering a delicious sting as he dove his tongue in deep, tasting everything I was. I itched to wrap my arms around him and pull him closer.

  But I stayed strong. Kept my distance.

  He plunged again, and it felt like his mouth was showing exactly what his body could do to mine. He retreated to bite my bottom lip, then thrust deep once more. The burn of his skin against mine and the consuming way he kissed me was dizzying.

  I pulled back, and on a heavy breath asked, “Do you ever wonder what would have happened if you hadn’t gotten called to a fire the night we met?”

  “Every damn day.”

  My scalp prickled and my throat closed up. He thought about it. Just as much, maybe more than I did. But where did that leave us?

  The past carried so much weight, I didn’t know what to do with it. Because it didn’t matter. Our paths had been set. Played out how they were supposed to. And now I sat with Jack’s memory and Cal’s body both equally invading my space, and I couldn’t, wouldn’t, reach out for either.

  If there was one thing I’d learned, it was that I had some kind of control, and I refused to be weak. Refused to hope, or feel, for something deeper than surface, because when it was gone, it hurt. It hurt so bad that I could still feel a ripped piece of flesh from bones, leaving me half a person.

  Cal may not think I was broken, but I was suffering from a direct hit and damage that may never fully heal.

  “I should get home,” I whispered, feeling as though I was on the brink of messing with fate once again.

  Chapter 3

  “I think this is a great start,” Erica Keys said, looking at my thesis proposal. She was in her mid-to-late thirties and a wonderful thesis advisor. She was also a wonderful human being. I respected her because she’d fought hard to get into the position she was in. Earning a full professorship at her age was no small feat. She also seemed to genuinely care about her students and their success.