Yours Completely

by Joya Ryan

  That was…until a few minutes ago when I walked out of the fire station.

  “Just fine?” Harper asked, looking me over. “You have sex hair.” Her eyes went wide. “Please don’t tell me you’re screwing the professor?”

  I rolled my eyes. “She’s a woman, and no.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “It’s just a little messy.”

  Harper wasn’t buying it. Especially since I had avoided her questioning glares since she’d crawled through the door yesterday with her own case of sex hair. I’d tried to ask her about the Viking, she asked me about my ride home with Cal, we both gave minimal information and neglected the real issues.

  “Uh-huh, so how is Cal?” she asked. But before I could change the topic, she finished with, “I saw you walking over to the station with him. Is that where the sex hair came from?”

  “We didn’t have sex,” I sat on the chair in the living room and pulled my knees to my chest.

  “Maybe you should have.”

  I frowned at my best friend. “I thought you didn’t even like him? At one point, you told me that he wasn’t the right kind of guy for me.”

  “That was at one point, not the point you’re at now. I’ve watched you mope around here for weeks, and when you’re with Cal is the only time you seem to smile. So if that overgrown fire chaser is what gets you hot and happy, then I say go for it.”

  I shook my head and let out a long, long breath. “I don’t have the brain power for this tonight.”

  “Still not sleeping?” Harper asked.

  “No, not really.”

  “Stress will do that.”

  Yeah, stress. Or maybe it was the pit of despair in my gut that wouldn’t go away and just turned into different shades of anger.

  I didn’t tell Harper about Brock. No need, since I had handled it. Whatever she saw on my face made her brows furrow, though, and she sat forward on the couch and looked at me. “Why don’t you come with me to my parents’ house for Thanksgiving?”

  I shook my head. It wasn’t the first mention of this, but with Harper leaving the state in a few days, I appreciated her attempt to help.

  “I can’t,” I told her. “But thank you so much for offering.”

  I had my thesis to focus on, and Harper was set to stay for a few weeks. Plus, I didn’t do well in family situations, typically, since I didn’t really have a standard one growing up.

  “Well, what are you going to do?”

  “About what?” I asked.

  “About Cal.”

  Great, we were back on this. “There’s not much to do.”

  “Oh, I disagree. There’s plenty to do.” She winked.

  “Seriously?”

  “What?” she shrugged. “The guy is a pain in the ass, but he’s hot, and he likes you. He’s been nice to you, despite his best friend being a dick.”

  “Jack’s not a dick.”

  Harper raised a brow. I didn’t like saying his name. Didn’t like talking about him. Because I couldn’t say anything negative out loud. Yes, Jack had a plan from the start, but he had also believed me when I’d told him that Brock had raped me when I was young. Despite my misguided attempt to fix things, Jack had still left believing me. Which was something. I loved him. Had loved him. Maybe a part of me always would. But it didn’t change anything.

  “It’s time to move on,” Harper said, like she had been saying for weeks. I thought of Cal’s advice.

  “What if I just move instead?”

  “What the hell does that mean?” Harper asked.

  “I don’t know. Take baby steps.”

  “Honey, you need to take leaps and bounds away from Jack, his memory, and your family.” Harper was so good at telling me what my problem was and what I should do, though she wasn’t exactly wrong. It came from a good place. I just processed differently than she did.

  “Look, I think that this moment in your life is a big one. You can either let the past crush you, or rise above it.”

  I thought about what I’d just done with Cal. How his body felt against mine. His hands on me, in me. I shuddered at the thought, and what surprised me was that I wanted more. More of his touch. More of the kind of dominance he brought to the table. Yes, there were similarities between him and Jack, but wild differences too. Cal told me what he wanted, then let me respond how I chose. It was my choice, my control, my say.

  There was something heady about that.

  I wanted more.

  I wanted to feel that kind of lost empowerment again. Wanted to touch all his strength and make it my own by exercising my will, my wants, over him. It hit me just then:

  He let me be angry.

  He knew he was cleaning up Jack’s mess, and still took the job anyway and let me do what I needed to do. And just held me tight.

  Shit. I was in trouble. Because any kind of attachment to another man, especially Cal, was not something my emotional system could handle. My body was screaming for more, maybe even my mind, but my heart? Bad. Bad, bad idea.

  My phone beeped with a text. I reached behind me to the small table and grabbed it.

  Cal: My Aunt is free Thursday if you’d like to meet around lunchtime. I can take you.

  My heart took a slow free fall. He set this up. Was helping me. Asking for nothing in return. Yet the look in his eyes when I left tonight was serious. I could run, but he wouldn’t let me hide. Which was what I wanted to do. Needed to do before things got even more complicated, and more feelings got involved.

  My phone pinged again.

  Cal: It’s just a simple lunch, Kitten. Don’t think yourself out of an easy win.

  Cal was right. This lunch was something I needed, and I needed a win. I just needed to be careful and maintain a friendship level barrier. Somehow, I’d figure out how to do that with Cal. Though friends didn’t typically stick their hands down your pants. But I had to make whatever was happening between us stop, though everything in me was cursing the thought. Because he felt good. So damn good. But that kind of good led down a path I didn’t want to be on again. It led to needy. Led to vulnerability. Led to loss.

  Friends. I could keep Cal as a friend.

  Me: Thursday is great. I’ll be ready at noon. Thank you.

  There. Simple. To the point. I’d have this interview, revise my thesis proposal, and that would be it.

  Yet, somehow, nothing seemed that simple.

  ~

  I sat in Cal’s truck as he turned off Main Street and wove a few miles around a residential area. Golden wasn’t too big, which was largely appealing to me.

  The sun was shining bright, burning off last night’s inch of fluffy snow that had fallen. The sound of the truck tires spinning along wet pavement kicked up the smell of afternoon dew and autumn. I loved my town. Every once in a while, when I remembered to stop and really appreciate the calmness, I found myself enjoying the still light. It was amazing what a little sunshine could get you excited for.

  However, the thing I wasn’t overly excited about was Cal’s silent treatment. He just stared straight ahead, saying nothing. Which made looking at his mouth worse, since I knew how it moved. And that was something I was trying not to focus on, yet the only image my brain churned out.

  “How have your last few days been?” I asked. He hadn’t reached out since the text letting me know his aunt would meet with me, which was where we were going now.

  “Pretty good. Had three on and now four off, so can’t complain. Been quieter now that we’re out of summer fire season.”

  “No more running after wild fires?” I asked.

  “Not for a while.”

  The conversation was tight, forced. His hand on the steering wheel looked casual, but the white in his knuckles showed he was gripping it pretty hard. Was he upset from the other night?

  Was I upset?

  I wasn’t exactly beaming sunshine, but I had no idea what to say or where to go. Keeping things casual with Cal was a better idea than starting any kind of relationship with him. Physical
or otherwise. Mostly because I wasn’t a woman who separated physical and emotional easily, and also because I loved being touched and taken over. I also loved getting a taste of power. Which was exactly what I’d gotten the other night with Cal.

  The few times I’d taken over in the bedroom with Jack, I’d either gotten spanked, which I actually liked, or he “allowed” me to take over first and only in small, brief ways. Jack needed his control and I’d understood, enjoyed everything we did. But I was not with Jack anymore.

  Nope. Cal was in casual in jeans and a long-sleeved black shirt that clung to his muscles and made my mouth water like a dehydrated nympho. Because all I could think about was touching those muscles again. Feeling them.

  My one saving grace was that we hadn’t crossed a line that we couldn’t cross back from. At least I hoped not. If I could figure out how to maintain “friend status” and not want to throw myself into his arms, maybe I could continue down this path of self-preservation.

  “Thinking about something over there,” he said, glancing at me. I was working my bottom lip and realized I was frowning in his direction. Whoops.

  “I was just thinking about a conversation I had with Harper.”

  He nodded. But didn’t ask for more. Maybe because I got irritated the last time he tried and I’d compared his verbiage to Jack’s? Suddenly, I felt shitty about that. I felt shitty about a lot of things. And, for whatever reason, I continued as if he’d asked for more detail anyway.

  “She was telling me for the thousandth time that I need to really move on from both Jack and my family.”

  “Has your step-brother caused any more problems since showing up at your school?” he asked quickly.

  “No. And I’m not scared of him.” Not in the way I use to be at least. He couldn’t impact my world if I didn’t let him. “It’s hard letting go of certain things, even when the good moments you’re holding on to aren’t worth the pain they cause now.”

  “Jack,” Cal said, like that one word summed up my entire problem.

  I shook my head. “I was talking about my dad.”

  Cal sent me a sidelong glance, then focused back at the road. It was like he was asking me to go on without actually saying it. He already knew the worst, may as well spill the rest.

  “I’d held on to this idea that my dad and I would be close again. I know now it won’t happen. He’s a different man. Even I’m different. But when everything hit, it hit at once. I really thought, one day, I’d work for him, we’d be a family and, yeah…Jack was in my future thoughts too.” I shook my head and moved past that quickly. “But all of that was gone in the matter of one afternoon.”

  Cal nodded. “And you were left having to readjust and re-plan a life you never thought you’d have to.”

  “Yeah, that’s exactly it.” I’d never thought outside the box I was living in. Crippled by fear and desperate to be a staple in my father’s world had been my path. Then Jack came along and things changed. I became stronger, held more self-worth. Then my father showed his true colors, and I ended up losing Jack and everything I’d ever thought I could have.

  Everything I once wanted.

  Cal turned down one more street and came up on a charming little blue house with white shutters. He put the truck in park and faced me.

  “Shit happens that you can’t control,” Cal said, and my eyes shot wide. No sugarcoating, no tiptoeing, he just came right out with what was on his mind. “But the only thing you can do is hold on to what you have left and do whatever you have to do to make your life bearable. If you’re lucky, you’ll find something that even makes it enjoyable.” His gaze seared mine and I forgot how to breathe. He spoke as if he knew what loss felt like.

  “Like school,” he finished quickly.

  “What?”

  “School is important to you. Something that you worked hard for. Hold on to that, if nothing else.”

  He got out of his truck, leaving me with my mouth parted and my brows drawn. He came around to open my door and help me out, and walked me up to the little house not saying another word.

  He knocked once, then opened the door.

  “Aunt Bea?” Cal called.

  A cheery voice sounded from inside, followed by the scuttle of feet coming toward us as Cal led me into the kitchen.

  “There’s my sweet boy.” A short, round woman with cropped graying hair and bright eyes entered the open kitchen from another room. Her arms were wide as she closed in on Cal. He hugged her tight, gave a bear growl, and she laughed. Cupping his elbows, she looked at him. “You staying safe? Eating alright? You look scrawny.”

  Cal looked scrawny? Holy crap, I didn’t want to know what beefy looked like then.

  “I’m good,” Cal said, and put his arm around her and faced me. “Aunt Bea, this is Lana Case, a friend of mine. Lana this is my amazingly wonderful Aunt Beatrice.”

  She laughed and swatted him on the chest, then turned her attention to me.

  “It’s so nice to meet you, Lana.” She came at me with those wide arms open again and hugged me. The action was so surprising that it almost toppled me over. But she smelled like sugar cookies, and I realized that it had been a long time since any kind of mother figure had hugged me.

  “Come, sit at the table. Cal said you have some questions for a project?”

  “Yes, thank you,” I said.

  Cal sat across the little circular table from me, while Bea grabbed a tray from the kitchen counter. The white and blue checkered linoleum squeaked beneath her orthopedic shoes as she came back with cookies. That explained the smell. But I was pretty sure she likely smelled like sugar and happiness all the time. It just radiated from her.

  She set the treats in the middle of the table and urged us both to take one. I did. “Thank you, this is really nice.”

  “Of course,” she said, and sat next to me. “When Callum said he was bringing a girl over, I was so excited.” She leaned in and with a loud whisper said, “He’s never brought one home before.”

  I looked at Cal, and the big man was blushing. “This is for her school project,” Cal clarified. Suddenly, I felt like we were a couple of high schoolers and Bea’s sweet demeanor had us both a little red in the face.

  “Yes, yes,” she said, waving a hand.

  I pulled out my laptop and opened a blank page to take notes. I explained the basics of what I was doing, outlining what I needed for my proposal. She nodded, and it was no hard feat to get her chatting.

  “Well, I started my cleaning business right after I got Callum, about twenty-five years ago. I must say that, even during the recession, we’ve still kept our head above water, and I credit that to stellar customer service and having a personal touch that a lot of big cities can’t match.”

  I nodded and typed. She answered my questions, giving me good information. Then she turned the questions back on me.

  “So tell me, what is it you are trying to do with this project?”

  “I’m trying to get my masters’ degree.”

  “Oh, how nice!” she said. “And you want to be a business owner?”

  I went to answer, then stopped for a moment. I’d hatched the grand plan of me working for my father and becoming a financial analyst a long time ago. But things had changed.

  “Honestly, I’ve never considered owning my own business. I’ve always wanted to be a part of a business, though. Help people succeed and make smart choices with their money and investing.”

  “That sounds great,” Bea said. “A lot of people need help being smart with their money.” She winked at me. “I may have you take over my books!”

  I was pretty sure she was kidding, but her jolly demeanor paired with a serious expression made me pause.

  Thankfully, I didn’t have to come up with a response because she turned to Cal and said, “This girl is a smart one,” Bea snapped her fingers to her nephew, then pointed at me as if he wasn’t sitting right there and knew who she was talking about. Still, I was blushing a little more. I
’d never been praised really or called smart. With my dad, it was how I was lacking, how I needed to do more to keep up with Brock.

  “She’s very smart,” Cal agreed.

  And the blush went to DEFCON-Rudolph-Red.

  “I want to hear more about you, Lana. How does your project relate to my cleaning business, and do you like cranberry sauce?” she asked, resting her hand on her cheek and looking at me with so much delight I thought she was seeing some magical fairy instead of a regular human.

  Those were two wildly different questions, but she just waited, like they went together easily. So I tackled the first question.

  “I’m actually going to apply my thesis to your business and experience and do a mock up analysis.”

  “Oh! Sounds fun. What does that mean?”

  “It’s just some possible financial options and strategies for investments based on your hypothetical needs and interests. Then I present that to my advisor.”

  “And then your advisor gives you your masters’?”

  “She has to approve it and take it to a thesis board.”

  “Good Lord,” Bea said. “I’m exhausted just listening to all these steps. You should be proud of yourself for going so far with this. It’s really special, Lana. That’s very impressive.”

  I blinked rapidly because there was a weird sting that crept up behind my eyes suddenly.

  I shrugged. “It sounds more complicated than it is.”

  “No, she’s impressive,” Cal cut in, telling his aunt exactly what he thought. “Dedicated and thoughtful and grounded.”

  “Another word for boring,” I joked.

  “Well, whatever the title is, you need more of Lana in your life,” Bea said to Cal. “I’ve never been able to get this one to sit in one place for long. Always searching for something to terrify me.”

  “Ah, here we go with the guilt,” Cal grumbled.

  “Not guilt. I just would like you to live a long and happy life…preferably not tossing yourself into a fire like damn pizza.”