by Zara Rivas
"I can't believe you're not going to prom," Erin whined in my ear on Thursday night. "Katie, you have to."
"Shut up, Erin. Will you please stop sounding like everyone I know? I can't, okay? Everything already sucks enough. I'm not going to do this to myself."
"Maybe I could get Brian to…"
"If you finish that sentence, I'll kill you," I said, cradling the phone against my ear. I had taken the beautiful dress out of the depths of my closet earlier in the afternoon and had found it impossible to put back. I couldn't stop staring at it… couldn't stop remembering Casey's reaction when he saw me in it. Of course I wanted to go to my prom, but I knew I was most likely going to have a really crappy time. I also wasn't sure I would be able to stand seeing Casey with Stephanie.
"Katie, you have to go. Even if you hate it, it'll be one of those things that you'll always wonder about. Believe me, my mom was crazy about me going to my prom since she didn't go to hers. Imagine what you'll do to your children!"
"Oh, for God's sake," I grumbled. "You want me to go to my prom and have a miserable time because of my children? You've completely lost it."
"I don't care why you go, but you should. You have to."
"I don't have to do anything. I don't want to see him, don't you get that?"
"No, you do want to see him. You just don't want to see him happy when you're not."
"That's not true," I said quickly. "I'm fine if he's happy. I just don't see the point of torturing myself with the information. Besides, I did my good deed setting up Kari and Dez. They'll have fun."
"They want you to be there with them. You know they'll both be worried about you the whole night and it'll ruin their good time."
I chuckled, "No, it won't. Stop trying to guilt me into going, Er. It's not going to work."
"You're going to regret it," Erin said sternly. "And I'm going to refuse to listen to you when we're old about how much you wish you had gone. You can and you should and it's your dumb decision to stay home and mope."
"You're right. It's my decision."
She didn't reply, but I knew she was shaking her head in disappointment. I loved Erin, but sometimes I hated how she tried to convince me something was good for me when I knew it wasn't.
"There's no way he just stopped caring about you, Kate. I saw how he looked at you. He's not over it."
I sighed dramatically, trying to hint that this was the last thing I wanted to talk about. Funny how best friends are generally the last people to get that hint. "And going to prom would… what… make him realize he's being ridiculous? He's not. He has every right to be angry at me."
"No, he doesn't. He was being selfish in assuming you would live with your mom to be with him. He knows enough about your history to think about someone other than himself," she paused. "Kate, you're amazing. Why are you letting him make you think you're not? Go to prom and show him what he's missing."
I shook my head sadly, "I just… can't." I was going to say more, but was surprised to see my mom standing in the doorway, the cordless house phone in her hand. I knew who was on the other end. "I gotta go, Erin." I hung up without another word.
"Dad?" I said into the phone as soon as it was in my hands. My mom shut the door behind her and I let out a sigh of relief. "I miss you so much."
"I miss you too, Kate," he said. He sounded exhausted, but I could hear the smile in his voice. We joked around for a while before the conversation turned serious.
"Katie, your mother told me that you haven't been very happy lately."
"Dad…" I trailed off, but he interrupted me.
"I'm your father. I'm allowed to worry. What's got you so down?"
I shook my head even though he couldn't see me. Talking to him over the phone wasn't the same. I didn't know how to express myself through words. "Dad, I'm not down. It's…"
"Casey?"
I smirked, "When did you become so observant?"
"I've always been observant," he replied. "Why don't you tell him how you feel?"
"It's too late."
"You don't know that."
"I do," I sighed. "There's been too much damage. It would be easier to just move on."
"Doesn't seem easier," he pointed out. "Sweetie, I just wanted to call and be sure you were okay. Things are going well here and I think I'll be home sooner than I thought. Definitely by September."
"September?" I asked, trying not to be too hopeful. He was originally thinking that he wouldn't be back until Christmas.
"It's not set in stone, but it's looking very possible," he paused and I heard muttering in the background. He sighed before continuing. "I'm sorry to cut this short. I love you, Katie. Regardless of this Casey nonsense, have a good time at prom. Send me pictures, okay?"
I sighed, but didn't tell him that I wasn't going to go. "Okay, Dad. I love you too." I waited for him to hang up before I did, wanting to prolong the conversation, but knowing it was worthless. Sometimes I was able to forget that he was gone and that he was in danger, but right after talking to him, I missed him more than anything.
After a few minutes, I brought the phone back to the charger in the kitchen. My mom and Gino were hovering over a pot on the stove; they looked so happy that I couldn't look away, but I wanted to at the same time.
"Smells good," I commented as I entered.
Gino grinned. "I'm trying to make my own spaghetti sauce."
"That's new," I smiled. Gino was a fantastic cook. He worked as a head chef at a restaurant in Milwaukee and could make just about anything. He had been on a Mexican kick for the last few days, so Italian was quite a shift.
"How's your father?" my mom asked a moment later. The apprehension was evident in her voice, but lighter than usual.
"He sounds tired," I replied, not in the mood to start a fight. "But he's thinking he'll be back in the fall, which is great." I paused momentarily before raising my eyes to my mother. "Did you go to your prom, Mom?"
"Yes," she responded, not even bothering to hide her surprise. "But I didn't want to. Your grandmother made me."
"Did you have fun?"
"Oh, no. It was miserable," she laughed.
"This isn't the way I was hoping this would play out," Dez said from the doorway.
"I had a horrible time. I went alone with my friends, who all had dates. I sat at the table while they danced. And some really handsome man spilled punch all over my pink dress," my mom continued.
My ears perked up. I had heard this before.
"He felt so terrible that he asked me to dance. At first I thought he was doing it because he felt bad, but he stayed with me the rest of the night. His date wasn't too happy," she smiled.
"Was that…?"
"My dad?" I cut Dez off. "Yeah."
"So… sure, it was terrible. But it's doubtful you would even be here if it wasn't for that night," my mom explained. "Honey, you should go."
"Yeah," Desmond added, nodding vigorously, "You should."
"Everyone keeps saying that," I mumbled. But I still didn't know. I didn't know how I was going to know.
Gino beckoned me to the sauce simmering before him. "You must try it," he said.
I smiled and took the spoon from him, thankful for the distraction. The sauce was amazing, just like everything else he made, and I was extremely excited for dinner. "Don't let them talk you into it," he murmured into the sauce. "Only you know if you'll have a good time. If you let them talk you into it, you're going to resent them for it."
"Thanks," I smiled at him.
He had helped, but I wasn't sure how. I still had no idea what I was going to do.
Chapter Sixteen
"Come on, Katie," Kari called.
I shook my head, though she couldn't see me.
"You have to come out eventually," she said. "I'm not leaving 'til you do."
"Stop being ridiculous," I said, staring at myself in the mirror.
"I really don't think I'm the one that's being ridiculous," she teased. "I'm not the only w
ho locked myself in the bathroom."
I sighed and unlocked the door. She barged in without another word. She was quite a picture, her hair in huge rollers, wearing one of Desmond's large button-up shirts and tiny shorts you couldn't even see under the shirt. She was gleaming; it was obvious how excited she was.
I, on the other hand, couldn't have looked more unsure of myself.
"Wow, you look amazing," Kari squealed. "I think it looks even better on you now than it did before."
I turned back to the mirror, having thought the same thing. For some reason, the soft, creamy fabric felt like it was made for me, but I had this feeling that it wouldn't fit as well the next day, like I absolutely had to wear it tonight.
"I don't look miserable," I said.
"It's a nice change," Kari grinned and jumped out of the way as I swatted at her. I couldn't believe how the dress made me look. It was as if losing Casey, and losing my father, hadn't even happened. I looked like a completely different person.
A pajama-clad Dez let out a low whistle from behind us. "You look hot," he observed, before continuing on his way to his room.
"Dez, she's your sister," Kari teased.
"Wasn't talking about her," Dez called back.
Kari flushed a pleasant pink. "He's cute," she said dreamily. "I feel very strange today. Don't you feel it?"
"The impending dread? Sure." I replied.
She rolled her eyes. "Stop being so dramatic. You're gorgeous. I'm gorgeous. He's…" she glanced behind her, "something way beyond gorgeous. We are going to have a great time. You are going to have a great time. I know you feel it."
I shook my head. I was beginning to hope, just a little, that things would go well, and I knew it was the beginning of the end. I couldn't let myself think things could be okay because the second I let myself get comfortable with the idea that prom could possibly be fun, I knew it would be taken away, and I'd be even more miserable than before. I think Kari knew that without me having to say it out loud, which was helpful. She could be optimistic for us.
"Sit," she commanded, gesturing at the stool in front of her. I sighed, but obeyed. I tried not thinking about anything as she curled my hair.
It really didn't work.
I thought dinner would be awkward; it wasn't. Dez and Kari did everything they could to keep me feeling at least somewhat positive about the night. To anyone else, it probably would have looked like three friends going to prom. I didn't feel like a third wheel at all.
That didn't stop me, however, from analyzing their every move. It kept my mind off Casey, off knowing I'd have to see him with Stephanie, so I was happy to do it. Dez couldn't keep his eyes off Kari, which I found incredibly adorable. She looked absolutely amazing in a vintage deep blue mini-dress. Her hair was curled in such a retro way that it looked as if she stepped out of the fifties. Kari relished in the attention Dez was trying not to show her, and I knew that they were holding hands under the table. I wanted to tell them that I was happy for them and that they could show how happy they were together, but I wasn't sure if I would regret it once we were at the dance.
"If it's any consolation," Kari interrupted my thoughts, "at the very least you'll completely ruin his night."
I glared at her and Dez shook his head in disbelief. "Kari…" he said. "We're supposed to be pretending that he doesn't exist. Haven't you figured that out yet?"
I smiled gratefully at Desmond. I knew he thought I was being ridiculous, but at least he supported my decision. Kari seemed keen on constantly bringing him up, though I wasn't sure why. Maybe she wanted to see me break down and throw a fit or something. I had been awfully calm about the whole thing.
"It's stupid," Kari said stubbornly.
"Kar—"
"No," she cut Dez off. "I'm going to say what I need to say and then I'll shut up." She turned towards me, her eyes warmer than her tone. "You are being stupid."
"Hey—!" I complained, but she interrupted me before I could finish.
"You are being stupid," she repeated, "because you could have him if you wanted. It's like you like being miserable or something. So I demand that you either get him back, or stop acting like this, because it's entirely your choice."
"That's bull," I reeled at her statement. "He told me he didn't want anything to change."
"Do you really know so little about him?" she retorted. "He needed you to tell him that you wanted him back. After you decided to leave him, he wanted a little effort. You threw it away."
"That's enough, Kari," Desmond said quietly. I could tell he released her hand somewhere during her rant because he was reaching across the table to me with both hands. I let him clasp his hands over mine. "You deserve better than him if he can't understand the decisions you make," he said fiercely. "Whether or not you think he deserves another chance, not the other way around, is your decision only. You aren't the one who made a mistake here. He is."
I sighed and shook my head. "It doesn't matter either way. We have a dance to get to, don't we?"
Both Kari and Dez looked frustrated for obviously different reasons. I loved how intensely protective he was of me, but I couldn't help to think that Kari might have had a point. Maybe I could have had another shot with him, but it didn't matter. I threw it away when I told him I was fine with things the way they were.
It hit me then that I really wasn't. I knew that I was relatively miserable without him, but I hadn't realized how much I really missed him until then. He always tried so hard to understand me, and had been so incredibly patient with my inability to decide how attached to him I wanted to be. I hadn't had that with anyone else. I put my coat on slowly, trying to ignore the ache in my heart.
Prom was held in the ballroom of a Milwaukee hotel. We were slightly earlier than most of the guests since I had ended dinner so abruptly, but I was okay with it. It gave me time to prepare for seeing Casey.
We sat at a table and sipped on punch for a little while, chatting unconcernedly. The ballroom looked amazing, but I didn't care, or pay that much notice to the decorations. I couldn't peel my eyes from the entrance long enough for me to notice anything but those entering.
More and more were coming and I knew he had to be coming soon. Kari and Dez had given up trying to include me in their conversation. When I saw Erica and Blondie, both looking absolutely gorgeous, I was finally able to wrench my eyes away from the doorway, knowing Casey and Stephanie would soon follow.
"Oh, no, you don't," Dez said, poking my chin up so I would have to watch. "You've been staring at everyone else. You are going to stare at him too."
"That's ridiculous," I commented, but obliged. I watched as he entered with Stephanie on his arm, and I kept my eyes glued to her. She looked exquisite and she moved so elegantly that I was immediately kind of jealous. They looked like they belonged together. When I finally allowed my eyes to drift to Casey, he was already looking at me, his face nearly expressionless. He looked so incredibly gorgeous that it almost hurt to look at him. I gave him a small smile, unsure of what else to do, and forced myself to look away.
"They don't look particularly happy," Kari noted. I raised my eyebrows skeptically. "Really," she insisted. "Even Stephanie doesn't, and I thought she'd be thrilled."
I tried to not let that mean anything to me, but it did. Was I happy that they weren't happy? I tried not to dwell on it.
"Wow, you look beautiful, Katie," I heard from behind me. I spun around and was face to face with Erica and Blondie. I hesitated for a moment, but she broke out into a grin and things were suddenly good between us again.
I smiled my thanks, unable to think of anything to say. Erica turned to Kari and Dez, leaving me alone with Blondie.
He extended his hand wordlessly. I glanced at Erica hesitantly, but she motioned for me to go with him. I followed him onto the dance floor and wrapped my arms around his neck, but kept my distance. He didn't say anything immediately, but was staring at me in an unnerving sort of way.
"Things have been weird wi
thout you around," he noted softly. "I wouldn't have thought they would be since you weren't really part of our group for very long, but they are." He paused, looking up slightly before he continued. "Everyone really misses you—" I interrupted him with a scoff. He laughed, "Fine, Stephanie doesn't really, but everyone else definitely does. Erica felt horrible for having to pick sides, and obviously Kari did too." He paused again, looking where I knew Casey was, but I had refused to look there so far. "And Casey… well," he pulled me closer suddenly and though I was surprised, I didn't back away, "He wants to kill me right now."