The Loneliest Girl in the Universe

by Lauren James

  “I think after a while, it turned into more than just collecting information. I started to look forward to talking to you. I wasn’t expecting us to have so much in common. I showed you more of myself than I ever meant to. We have a genuine bond like I’ve never felt with anyone before. I fought it for a long time, because I thought I was supposed to hate you, for my parents. But I can’t any longer.”

  I’m silent. I’m too torn up, too impossibly lost, to know how to reply to that.

  “I wish things had gone differently,” I say into the quiet. “I wish we could have met properly – nicely – without you playing any of these games.”

  I see his Adam’s apple dip as he swallows. “We can still have that. We can start again. Pretend none of this ever happened?”

  I hesitate.

  I don’t trust him. Not at all. How can I? But surely whatever he’s done, it’s not worth being condemned to this life alone in space. Right?

  There’s still a part of me that isn’t convinced – that remembers how it felt when he grabbed at my knee in the tunnel.

  “We don’t even have to open the airlock,” he adds, looking into the camera with eyes that are full of remorse. “I can stay on The Infinity and you can stay on The Eternity. We don’t ever have to open the door, if you don’t want to. Just please don’t leave me here.”

  With that, I’m decided. I wouldn’t be able to live with the guilt of abandoning him in space. He can stay on my old ship and I can stay here. We’ll travel together, but I’ll be safe.

  “I’m going to come back and get you,” I say.

  J smiles, so widely that I can see his perfectly straight teeth. He lifts his arm to run a hand through his golden hair and that’s when I notice the background in the video.

  He’s standing in front of a wall. A mint-green wall.

  Mint. Green.

  I know every inch of my ship. There is no mint green anywhere. Not a single centimetre of The Infinity is painted mint green.

  He’s on The Eternity.

  A shudder rolls down my back. I bite my tongue to stop a gasp. I thought I’d escaped. I thought I was safe. He’s on the ship, hiding from me. Pretending he isn’t.

  He could be anywhere. He could be right behind me.

  I force myself not to turn my head and look, even though the hairs on the back of my neck are tingling.

  “Oh, Romy,” he says, oozing affection. “Thank you so much.”

  I force my face into a grimacing smile. I nod.

  I believed his lies, again. I fell right into another of his traps.

  “I thought I’d destroyed everything.” He ducks his head and looks up at me through his eyelashes.

  “Me too,” I say. I can actually feel my heart breaking all over again. He looks so sincere. How is he so good at this? Why is he even doing these things to me? What did I do to deserve this?

  I force myself to smile again. Be sweet. Be gentle. Be light.

  “I’ll tell the ship to come back for you now,” I say, the words coming out brittle, however hard I try. “I’ll talk to you soon, OK?”

  J nods, and smiles a contented smile. He winks. “See you soon.”

  I make a weak noise in reply, then disconnect the call. The second his face disappears, I spin round, checking the room.

  He’s not here.

  “Computer, lock the helm door,” I say, loud and fast. “Don’t allow access to anyone under any circumstances.”

  “Door locked,” the computer confirms.

  I’m not convinced. “Will anyone be able to override the lock and get in? Anyone at all?”

  “Negative. Access will be restricted to Romy Silvers only.”

  “Are you absolutely sure?” I can’t trust this. Whatever the computer says, J will find a way around it. He’s too clever. Too good at programming the software to do what he wants, like with the power malfunctions.

  “Only administrators can override a user command.”

  I speak around clenched teeth. “Are there any administrators on board the ship, right now?”

  “Negative.”

  Finally, I relax from my defensive stance. He can’t get in. I’m safe in here, for now.

  I’m consumed with self-hatred. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to fall for his tricks again. Even knowing what he’s like, even after he chased me across my ship, I still fell for his lies and charisma – like his taste in books and music would be enough to prove that he’s really a good person.

  I scrub a hand through my hair and straighten my shoulders. I need to fix my mistakes.

  Even if I’m not alone on the ship, I still have an advantage. He can’t get in here. I’m safer than I would have been on The Infinity.

  I’m going to have to leave this room eventually, to get more food and water. This is only a temporary respite, but I have some time to think.

  What does he want from me? Is he just torturing me for fun, twisting me around his little finger? Does he like seeing how easily he can persuade me to forgive him?

  If I went to him, would he kill me, or would he keep turning good and bad, making me love him and hate him over and over for the sake of it?

  I have no idea. I can’t understand what he’s trying to do. What kind of person thinks like him?

  HOURS SINCE THE ETERNITY CAUGHT UP:

  39

  I pace the room, trying to focus despite my panic. When my eyes fall on the helm, a plan of action begins to form. J probably never intended for me to come on board his ship, so anything I find here is the truth. It’s not buried beneath layers of lies and manipulation.

  I must be able to use that. I can work out who he really is. I can find a weakness somewhere in the hard drive of his ship’s computer. He has to have some flaws that I can use against him. It’s my only hope.

  When the computer wakes up, there’s a page open on the screen showing my emails and fanfics. Sentences are highlighted, with comments added in the margins.

  It’s his notes, his study of me.

  “You’re OK,” he said, his voice a low, calming murmur in her ear. “Relax.”

  She’d never felt so relieved. The tension in her stomach, which had been building in a tight coil since she’d realized she was in danger, dissolved into nothing.

  With Jayden, she was safe.

  Jayden is calm in a crisis and reassures Lyra a lot. Need to be confident so that R trusts I know best, but also confess some weaknesses to make me seem more trustworthy. Confide emotionally in R to achieve this.

  Bring up food/cookery again – she likes that.

  She doesn’t like discussing her mum at all – stick to dad. Something must have happened when they died. Maybe NASA doesn’t know the full story? Not an oxygen tank explosion at all?

  Unable to bear it, I minimize the page. There’s a new message in his inbox. It’s from…

  Molly.

  Just the sight of her name makes me want to cry. I’ve been so caught up in everything happening with J that I’d completely forgotten to think about her.

  Molly. My Molly.

  He lied again, then. If Molly is still emailing him, the UPR can’t exist. He made them up, just as I suspected.

  Even worse, her message is addressed to me. J must have intercepted the signal and blocked it, so it couldn’t get to me. Molly never really abandoned me after all.

  Trembling, I open the audio message. When Molly’s gentle voice starts speaking – so familiar even after all this time – I let out a sob. I can’t stop the tears that fall long after the message has finished playing.

  From: NASA Earth Sent: 05/03/2066

  To: The Infinity Received: 05/12/2067

  Attachment: EarthII-sim.zip [8 GB]

  Audio transcript: Hi Romy, I hope you’re having a good day! It snowed here yesterday, and Nino is having such fun discovering snowflakes for the first time. He keeps trying to eat them!

  I’m attaching an updated version of the Earth II simulation, which will let you practise the landing
protocols for the larger combined vessel of The Eternity and The Infinity. It also includes better graphics, and training exercises for some of the new pieces of agricultural equipment.

  I’ve been testing it for you, and it’s really fun – I think you’ll enjoy it! I’m jealous that you get to play the whole thing.

  Talk to you tomorrow, sweetie.

  My heart hurts.

  Molly has been sending me audio messages all this time. There are hundreds of messages, one for every single day since The Eternity launched and J started blocking them from reaching me. It feels like a punch in the gut.

  Molly has no idea what J has been doing to me for the last year. She doesn’t know about any of the ways he’s been tormenting and torturing me. She thinks I’m perfectly happy.

  I scroll through the pages of messages from Molly in the inbox, addressed to both J and I. Then I check the sent emails, to find out what J has been saying to NASA in reply.

  From: The Eternity Sent: 05/12/2067

  To: NASA Earth Predicted date of receipt: 15/09/2069

  Dear Dr Molly Simmons,

  We are afraid to report that the laser transmitter on The Infinity is still broken. Below is Commander Silvers’ latest message to NASA Earth, as received on The Eternity via The Infinity’s short-distance radio transmitter.

  We are working with Commander Silvers to advise her on the best method of fixing the long-distance laser transmitter, and seem to be making good progress. Hopefully the problem will soon be fixed and she will be able to return to regular communication methods.

  Hoping all is well on Earth,

  Commander Shoreditch and Pilot Evans

  Attached message reads:

  From: The Infinity Sent: 05/12/2067

  To: NASA Earth Predicted date of receipt: 15/09/2069

  Hi Molly!

  I wish I could play in the snow with Nino. That sounds so cool!

  Thank you for the software. I’ve already tested it and it’s brilliant.

  Jeremy, Isaac and I are working hard to fix the transmitter here on The Infinity. I really hope we get it working soon – I miss talking to you properly!

  Love, Romy

  It sounds just like me. For months and months, J has been telling Molly lie after lie, pretending to be me. And who is Isaac – is he “Pilot Evans”? I’ve never heard J mention another person being on board The Eternity, but “pilot” implies there is a second in command. The ship must have launched with two crew members. So where is Isaac Evans now?

  Has … has J done something to him?

  Oh God. I hope Isaac is OK.

  I make myself listen to more of Molly’s messages. The sound of her voice is like a hug, even with the obvious concern and worry in everything she says. I’ve missed her so much.

  I wish I could email Molly and ask for help. I wish there was a way she could save me and make J go away for ever. But there isn’t. I’m on my own.

  I close down the emails. I’m not going to find anything else useful there, just bad memories.

  I run my shaking hands through my hair and let out a frustrated yell. I deserve so much better than this. I deserve so much better than him. He destroys everything he touches, but I can’t – let – him – destroy – me.

  I’d do anything to find a way to lock him up. I would push him into a stasis pod without a moment’s hesitation, just so I never had to think about him again. I wouldn’t even feel guilty about it.

  I start looking through his drawers, searching for anything I can use as a weapon. I need a way to defend myself while I work out how to end this.

  If I can just get him back to The Infinity and trap him in a pod, this will all go away. He wouldn’t even see it coming. Not from needy, gullible Romy, desperate for affection. Not from the little mouse caught between his claws.

  I know it’s a desperate plan, with barely a chance of success, but I need to try.

  I find a pair of scissors in the desk and test the blade against the pad of my thumb. When I press it into the skin, it leaves a white line behind. It’s not sharp, but if I use enough force, it might work. Either way, it’s going to have to do. If I press it against his back, he won’t be able to tell the difference between scissors and a knife.

  When I’ve searched the whole room and failed to find anything else that could be useful, I go over to the computer and say, “Locate Jeremy Shoreditch.”

  I need to do this now, before I start second-guessing myself. Before he has the chance to persuade me to trust him again.

  A map appears on the screen, with a glowing orange symbol showing J’s location. He’s just down the corridor from the helm. It looks like he’s waiting to ambush me. He must have found the door locked and decided to wait for me to come out. I can’t even imagine how he plans for all of this to end.

  I wonder if he would admit that he’s right outside the room if I called him now. Not that I care. Whatever he says, I’m not going to listen.

  I prepare myself, wrapping my fist around the scissors and putting a blank expression on my face. I take a deep breath, telling myself that I’m strong and brave and I can handle this. I have no other choice.

  “Open the door.”

  As soon as it begins to open, I start running.

  J is standing in the centre of the hallway waiting for me. I sprint at him, fist clenched around the pair of scissors, out of sight behind my back.

  “Romy!” he says, feigning surprise, but that’s as far as he gets before I run straight at him. I’m picturing driving the blade into the flesh of his stomach when he grabs me by the arms and lifts me up, pushing me back against the wall. I flail and kick, dropping the scissors as I try to get free. He holds me in mid-air like I weigh nothing, and knocks back my blows without even trying.

  “Let go!” I shout, horrified that he managed to stop me so easily.

  “Don’t even try,” he growls. “You’re coming with me.”

  He roughly twists my wrists behind my back, holding them with one hand even as I struggle to break free. He wraps his other arm around my throat from behind.

  “If you fight, I’ll break your neck,” he whispers into my ear.

  I immediately go still, waiting to see what he’s going to do next. I bare my teeth but don’t risk replying.

  He takes a step forward, forcing me to march in front of him, away from the scissors, which are lying on the floor.

  We walk down three corridors, turning right and left and right again. I rack my brain for some way I can get free, and what else I could use as a weapon, but I’m so frightened that my mind has gone completely blank. It’s all I can do to take step after step.

  Finally, J stops outside a door, his arm tightening on my throat like he’s pulling on a horse’s reins.

  The door slides open. I see a hospital bed in the middle of the room and realize he’s brought me to this ship’s sick bay. I wonder if this is where he brought Isaac. Is he going to kill me the same way he must have killed him?

  The bed is hooked up to an IV. I’m imagining what he’s going to do to me – if he’s going to cut me up or knock me out cold, or worse – when I notice that … there’s someone in the bed, chest rising and falling in the steady rhythm of sleep.

  J pushes me towards them.

  It’s my mother. She’s not in stasis any more. She’s alive.

  After all this time, she’s still alive.

  HOURS SINCE THE ETERNITY CAUGHT UP:

  40

  When I see my mother, I start struggling in J’s grip.

  “No! NO! NO!” I scream. “Stop!”

  “Shh,” J murmurs. “You don’t want to wake her up, do you?”

  I stop fighting. No. I don’t want that. Not in a million years.

  J loosens his arm, but pulls me in closer so that my back is pressed up against his front.

  My mother is alive. I can’t deal with this. I want desperately to disappear inside my head like she used to do, so I don’t have to process what’s happening, but I can
’t.

  “What are you doing?” I say in a desperate, quiet voice. “She’s dangerous! She killed my dad!”

  He snorts. “She can barely move. She’s been in stasis – she’s got reduced muscle strength. How is your mother still alive, by the way?” he asks, curious and calm. “You told NASA that both of your parents died in an oxygen tank explosion almost six years ago.”

  “I lied,” I gasp. I can’t let him wake her up. I need to keep him talking, to distract him. “I couldn’t tell NASA the truth about what she did.”

  He hisses through his teeth. “I had everything planned out so neatly, thinking you were alone. This has changed everything. But I can work with it. I can’t believe that after everything she did, she’s still alive.”

  “Please don’t. Whatever you’re doing, stop. I thought we had a connection,” I add, half to delay him by talking, half because I still don’t understand, not even a little bit. “I thought you liked me.”

  “I do like you,” he says, confused. Once again, he sounds genuine. How did he get so good at lying? “You’re sweet, Romy.”

  “Then why are you doing this?” I say.

  “Why don’t we ask your mother to explain?”

  “No!” I cry, but it’s too late. He’s already shouting.

  “GOOD MORNING, TALIA!”

  Time freezes around us for a second. Then my mother stirs, half-opening her eyes. She looks woozy.

  “Over here!” he trills to her. My mother blinks, her gaze wandering the room until she spots us. Her expression sharpens from hazy to awake in seconds.

  Without warning, I throw up, chunks of mac and cheese forcing their way past J’s arm on my throat, spraying down the front of my top and onto the floor.

  J makes a disgusted noise in my ear and moves away from me, leaving a space between our bodies. “Jesus Christ.”

  I draw in a deep gasp of air, trying not to choke.

  “You should never have woken her up!” I tell him, spitting bile onto the floor.

  He doesn’t know what happened to Dad. He has no idea what she’s capable of.

  My mother is wide awake now. She’s watching us carefully. She coughs quietly, testing her throat.