by Nako
He wrapped his arms around her waist. “You’re not, I’m not letting that shit happen to you or to me. We are a family,” he promised.
C H A P T E R 24
All my life I showed you, ran it up on you I showed you – Young Thug
Death didn’t make him uncomfortable. Perhaps it was because after he lost the only woman that knew him best, his mum. Porter became extremely numb to life and the people that came with it. When he first moved from Paris to New York, he met so many people. All kinds of niggas and bitches, some stayed, some kept it moving. There was one family in particular that loved him like he’d never been loved before. Porter identified as an African-American man, however a lot of things that a “father” should’ve taught him, he learned from someone’s else’s daddy.
Casey’s father was a staple in his life. He held a sincere place in his heart and was a great influence on the man that Porter believed he was today. What was sad was that he’d never told him any of this. He didn’t miss his birthday, made sure to get him a Christmas gift every year and on Father’s Day he phoned him and promised to stop by. But the way his schedule was these days, it was shameful to admit he couldn’t recall the last time he saw him or talked to him.
Regret kept him hostage, so instead of being inside of the house that he’d called home for many years back in the day, he sat on the front porch smoking a blunt and drinking a beer.
Casey was taking it well and Carmen was walking around like a robot. The relationship that she had with her father was a…weird one. Porter learned that black families swept a lot of shit under the rug, even as adults. He minded his business when it came to the dynamic of things in their unit. Casey and Carmen grew up in the same house, but had different mothers… Porter would leave it at that. Even when he tried to explain it to Mahogany this morning, he grew confused and frustrated. Casey’s father was the man. He was a great guy, well-respected, and the best at what he did in the legal field. His name would ring bells in the community for years to come. His legacy outlived him for sure and would shine through Casey because he was a firecracker in court, much like his old man.
“You’re not going in?” Burke asked as he walked up the sidewalk with his hands stuffed in his pockets.
He was the last person Porter wanted to see, but they were all friends, so he wasn’t surprised to see him.
“Already been in,” he kept it short, hoping the nigga would take the hint and keep it the fuck moving.
They had nothing to talk about.
“How you been?” Burke sighed as he plopped a squat right next to his dear ole friend.
P sighed loudly, “Burke, I’m not in the mood to talk,” he admitted.
“Yeah, brother, I feel you. Can’t believe he died in his sleep. What kind of shit is that?”
He still wasn’t getting it.
“Not in the mood to talk to you, so keep it moving. Alright?” Porter was done being Mr. Coo. Niggas didn’t appreciate that about him, which is why he felt as if they talked to him how they did.
“Fuck I do to you?” Burke snarled.
“Nothing, man. Please just go in the house,” P wasn’t trying to argue or none of that, nor would he ask him again. He was on his second blunt and third drink, anything was liable to happen tonight.
“Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
Burke had been away at rehab and was now home, he wanted his friends back. It was bad enough that he’d lost his wife and kids. The way that his brothers looked at him when they saw him was pitiful. He wasn’t a fuckin’ crackhead…anymore.
“Nothing.” Porter stood up and decided to go back in the house, grab a plate of food and then he’ll head out.
“I know this isn’t about Kim wanting to divorce you…I told you not to marry her old ass in the first place.”
Porter was growing tired of them disrespecting him and talking to him like he wasn’t a big dog. He was a grown ass man and he didn’t care if they were all older than him. They needed to put some respect on his name.
“Bruh, watch your fucking mouth.” He wouldn’t tell him again.
“I’m just saying, you walking around here with some shit on your mind. Speak up. You mad about Kimberann? Dawg, she wasn’t nobody,”
“Why? Cus you already had her?” Porter finally spoke on what he’d known for years.
The look on Burke’s face was priceless.
“Yeah, me and my old ass wife talked about a lot…I know all about y’all and still married her. Now what?”
Everyone had their opinions about him and Kim, but he loved her and wished that they’ll let her rest in peace.
“Porter…” he wanted to explain.
“It’s cool. Let Casey know I’m out. See ya at the funeral,” he walked down the steps at a rapid pace. His heart felt as if it was about to fall out of his chest. How much more could he take from life? Was he drowning, because it damn sure felt like it?
Porter stayed at the penthouse for tonight, he needed some time to himself and he knew Mahogany would be pissed, but he’ll deal with her crazy ass in the morning. He stepped out of his dress shoes as soon as he stepped off the elevator. He’d made it this far without selling his soul, but sometimes it felt like he did. Porter turned a few lights on to help him migrate down the dark hallways. The door was slightly ajar to his kids’ bedroom, Reem must’ve did that the last time he stayed over. P turned his head slightly as he always did whenever he didn’t want to see any remnants of his kids. He wasn’t sure if he was tipsy or not, but he could’ve sworn he heard his babies call him daddy.
He slammed the hell out of the door and fell to his knees, toppling over. Muffled cries. Heart wrenching. His soul shredded into millions of pieces when Jillian told him that the plane crashed. Porter thought that he had more time to get it right. To become the man his kids wanted and the one his wife needed him to be…He wondered if he’d ever be the same, Would he fail Mahogany? Would he disappoint Kareem? Fear and doubt was a horrible combination.
η
“Where I’m from we ain’t do stuff like that, but it’s working for me,” Mahogany told her man. They were sharing a seat in a red velvet booth at this swanky lounge that had recently opened on West St.
She came a few days ago with Nia and wanted her man to try it out. It was one of those Instagrammable-worthy restaurants, where every item on the menu deserved a picture. The drinks were full of sugar and syrup, so she opted out this time around and ordered a bottle of wine for her and P to share.
“She makes you comfortable?”
His mind was somewhere else, and Mahogany knew him well enough to know that he wasn’t really listening to her yap. She’d been talking for the past ten minutes and that was the first thing he said to her since they sat down. The car ride was silent, other than her saying, “Here,” when it was time for her to pass the blunt. They said nothing to each other.
She was looking forward to their date tonight and prayed in advance that the night ended on a lovely note and some sloppy toppy.
They were one working ass couple and now that she’d added weekly counseling sessions at the church, it was less time for Porter and the boys.
She was doing the best she could. Tonight, was P’s time and tomorrow she was taking the guys shopping. Genesis was more excited than Kareem, but that was expected. Reem rather have toys and candy than Gucci and LV.
“Baby, I’m over here…” She pulled his face from the wall and pointed it at her.
She smiled then reached forward and gave him a kiss that he didn’t return.
“Porter, what’s wrong?” she pouted.
Mahogany was really excited about their date tonight and clearly, he wasn’t.
“Nothing, I apologize. You wanna get the food to go?”
No, the fuck she didn’t want the food to be packed up. Tonight, was date night. She put a lot of effort in tonight’s meet-up. She huffed and puffed, and he seemed unfazed, which was pissing her off. In her session today, she was prompted to have a ce
rtain kind of conversation with her man tonight and it didn’t look like that was going to happen.
“You can go,” she now had an attitude.
Porter looked at her and shook his head, “Yeah, alright.”
He wasn’t going anywhere.
“Talk to me. Why do you always shut me out?” she desperately wanted to know.
“Shut you out? Mahogany, how am I shutting you out? I can tell you everything you said since we sat down. I hear you, I heard you. I’m here, ain’t I?”
“But do you want to be here?” that was her got damn question.
He took her hand in his and kissed the palm of it. “No place else I’d rather be, I promise you that.”
Even when he wasn’t running his mouth, he was still there.
“Well I want to talk. Talk to me. What’s wrong? What’s on your mind? Is there anything I can do?” she wanted them to connect on every level there was.
Porter believed that she was now feeling this way because her thoughts and past was being revealed in her sessions, so she now felt the need to be vulnerable with him, which was what he’d wanted almost two years ago when they first met.
Today, he wasn’t as interested. He had some shit on his mind.
“I think Casey’s dad death affected me more than I thought it would.”
“What gives you that idea?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “Do you think I have issues? With attachment or commitment?” He often let what other people had going on become his problem. The funeral today was…emotional. Carmen had a lot to get off her chest and although the church wasn’t the ideal place to be so verbal, she didn’t care. Porter couldn’t help but to wonder if his kids had lived would they have said some of the things she said in front of hundreds of people.
She didn’t mean to laugh, but he was far from being detached.
“Says the man that holds me tighter than a glove in bed? Uh no, baby. You’re amazing.”
He sighed, “You sure?”
She nodded her head, “Yes, don’t start doubting yourself. I love the way you love me,” she meant every single word. Mahogany couldn’t have asked for a better man and friend. It was no one else she’d rather do life with other than him.
“Promise?”
He needed to be reassured sometimes.
“Yes baby.”
Their appetizers arrived in perfect timing cus’ big girl was ready to eat.
“So, can we get back to what I was talking about...” she was going somewhere before his mind went the other way.
He laughed, “Yeah girl, I’m listening.” He could tell that whatever she wanted to say was important to her.
P popped a buffalo chicken bite in his mouth. “Mmmm…” Shit was good as hell.
“Told you!” This was her new favorite place to eat.
“Okay, okay, so yes like I was saying. I’m doing the sessions and it’s causing me to learn more about myself, so I wanted to ask you something…” Her palms began to sweat a tad.
She hated serious conversations as she tried her best to avoid them at all times.
“Ask me…” He didn’t know what she was about to say and prayed that it wasn’t anything off the wall.
“When you got the background check back why didn’t you-”
He shook his head. “That’s the past,” he interrupted her.
“Can I finish?”
P motioned for her to continue.
“I wanted to know why didn’t you or why haven’t we ever discussed anything in my past nor have you asked me about some of the things that’s come up in court?”
Her leg was thumping erratically against his and he squeezed it. “Relax.”
She was nervous, he could tell.
Porter didn’t know what kind of answer she was looking for.
“What do you want me to say?”
“Uh, say how you feel.” The fuck? She thought to herself.
“I liked you. I didn’t care about none of that shit and I really believed that you did it to survive. You didn’t have a choice.”
She took a deep breath. “When we’re in court, you’re not disgusted with me or ashamed?”
“Are you disgusted or ashamed?” he asked her back.
Mahogany slowly nodded her head. “Yeah.”
“It’s the past, baby. Use that as ammo to keep going higher. You’re at the top. I love you and all of you. No one is perfect.” He kissed her forehead.
P was grown, he didn’t ask questions he didn’t want the answers to and some things were better left unsaid. Her past didn’t define her future and he loved her in spite of.
“I’m with you no matter what, okay?” he promised.
Mahogany leaned her head against his shoulder. “You don’t know how good it feels to hear you say that.”
η
It was rare that he heard his phone ring once he was dead the fuck sleep, especially after smoking that Killa Kam from Big Mo and knocking the lining out of Mahogany’s pussy. Whomever was calling wasn’t letting up.
Mahogany nudged him in the back. “Baeeeee, get your phone,” she whined.
He rolled over and reached for it, knocking that last shot on the carpet.
“Damn,” he mumbled.
Finally, he found the phone and once he did, it stopped ringing.
He didn’t recognize the number that had called six times.
He was too sleepy to try to recollect his faint memory. However, he didn’t have too, whoever it was, was now calling again.
“PORTER BAVAY!” Mahogany was about to start fussing in two seconds.
He got up and answered the phone. “Yeah?” he said, groggily.
“Aye man, can you come get me?”
Porter knew the voice well.
He took a deep breath, asking, “Where?”
After he told him where he was, Porter said, “Hold tight. I’m across town. Who phone is this?”
“Some nigga.”
This dude had to get his shit together. But as always, P came to his rescue. Time after time.
“I’ll be back,” Porter told his baby after he kissed her forehead.
“Where you going this late?”
She was sleep, but she wasn’t stupid. It was past three in the morning.
“Calm down, firecracker. Going to bail somebody out of jail.”
“Mmm hmm, alright. Be safe.”
She then thought it about and sat up in the bed. “Wait, it’s not Genesis is it?”
He swore he was only going to his girlfriend’s house and would be home in the morning. That lil nigga better had not got into any trouble.
“No, go back to bed.”
P grabbed his gun out of the top dresser drawer before leaving the room.
He listened to some Bob Marley as he cruised through the city, headed to the precinct.
The process was long and annoying. The sun was up when he finally came trotting to the car, “’Preciate it,” his step-son said lazily.
Mahogany had called twice to check on him. She wanted her man home and he promised he was coming straight to her as soon as he dropped this nigga off.
“You drinking in public now?” P’s tone was judgmental.
“If you about to talk my head off, I’ll catch an Uber.”
As tired as he was, he was going to do whatever the hell he wanted.
Porter started the car up and headed in the direction of the last place he knew that he lived. Being that he didn’t give him any other address, he figured he still stayed there.
“You know what I’m about to say,” P sounded like his father, but he wasn’t.
“Exactly, so save it.”
“Your mom wanted so much more for you. Have you been recording? Or doing anything recreational, other than drinking and smoking?”
The growing man didn’t even look the same. He used to be a handsome fella.
He needed a haircut and clothes that fit.
“Are you broke?”
He’d better
had not spent all the money from his mom’s insurance policy. Although if he did, P wouldn’t have been surprised. Like his mother, they had poor money management skills. Kim could sneeze and blow through a million dollars. It used to piss him so bad when people would say he was with her for her money. There were so many times he wanted to scream to the reporters, “SHE’S BROKE!”
Kim filed bankruptcy twice. She did stupid shit with her money, like her son.
“No, I’m not broke,” he half-lied.
He wasn’t struggling or anything, but he damn sure wasn’t balling either.
Porter shook his head. “Gotta do better. What if I was out of town?”
His step-son really wasn’t in the mood to hear this. “Can you please just drop me off?”
Porter turned the music back up and did as he asked. He was a grown man and honestly, a lost cause.
When they made it to his building, he cut the engine and faced this growing boy.
“No thank you? I got out of my bed and came across town, and your ass treat me like an Uber?” P reminded him once he noticed he had no plans of showing any kind of gratitude before hopping out the car. Ungrateful motherfucker.
“Thanks,” he told him dryly.
Porter said, “Here for you, if you ever wanna get your shit together. Lay off he powder, it’s starting to show.”
He was arrested for public intoxication and when the officers cuffed and searched him they found a small packet of coke.
Porter was disappointed in him. Kim battled with that demon very briefly. Extremely brief. The one time Porter found it, he flushed the remnants down the toilet. He threatened to leave her ass and she never did it again. She couldn’t lose her boy toy.
“I miss my mama. What you want me to do?” he said as he struggled to hold his tears back. Kim babied him and that’s why he acted the way he did. Porter never kissed his ass.
“Ask God to give you peace. I can promise you though that drugs aren’t the answer,” he wouldn’t allow him to make excuses for the stupid shit he did.
“I’m going to get it together, P,” he promised.
Porter nodded his head. “Hope so, cus if you end up in jail again, I’m not coming to get you.” He meant that shit too.