Am I Normal Yet?

by Holly Bourne

  No movement. I really was going to cry.

  “Bye then…?” I hovered a few more seconds, just in case.

  “Bye.”

  I stumbled over the grass, letting the light of the cafeteria guide me back. The effort of holding in tears made it hard to breathe. I would just tell Jane I was leaving, then I would go home. And I could cry all I liked. And digest whatever the heck had happened.

  Just as I was about to step out into the light, onto the courtyard, I heard him.

  “Evie.”

  I turned round, a bit pissed off. “What do you want, Guy?” I turned before he saw me cry.

  “You.”

  He grabbed me back and I swirled like a dancer into his arms. He pulled me right up against his chest and, with no introduction, he kissed me again. It was rough and delicious and he pushed me against the college wall, pinning me with his body. His hands started in my hair but moved down until he was stroking up my arms, pinning them behind me effortlessly with his. We kissed and kissed and kissed to the backdrop of an unknown band inside. I’d never been lost in any kind of moment before. I’d always noticed everything, my brain was always tick-tocking wherever I went, whatever I did. But, then, there, I was drowning in the moment. There were no thoughts, just feelings and tastes and sensations and me giggling so hard in Guy’s mouth all of a sudden that we had to stop.

  He pulled back – looking half annoyed, half smiling at my laughter. “What is it?’

  I giggled again. “Aren’t Joel and the others going to wonder where you are? You’re supposed to be in a competition.”

  He trailed a finger up my arm to my shoulder, leaving a Hansel and Gretel trail of goosebumps as he went.

  “Yeah, they’re probably wondering.” He broke into a grin. “That’s why we should leave. Now.” He pulled me away into the darkness. I laughed harder.

  “Where are we going?”

  “Away.”

  “Where away?”

  “To darker locations with more privacy.”

  I felt a thrill build in my toes and echo up my back.

  Hands held, we walked back in the vague direction of our houses, the same way I’d walked with the girls. But this time we stopped at every lamp post to kiss, not for me to touch it six times. When we got near my house, Guy pulled me through a hedge into this pretty little grassy place with a war memorial in the middle. It was bathed in moonlight, the silver from the sky reflecting off the stone. A few soggy paper poppies from last week’s Memorial Day were scattered on the steps. In the darkness, they almost looked real.

  “I’ve never been here before, it’s so pretty,” I said.

  Guy didn’t reply. He just squeezed my hand and manoeuvred me onto the damp grass. I was on my back, his weight on top of me, and he was kissing me like the world would implode the next day. It felt so gorgeous – the sky above my face, his tongue in my mouth, his hands creeping up the sides of my top – every inch of my skin covered with goosepimples now. I ran my hands through his hair and he did that weird groan again. It was surprising, in a nice way, that I seemed to be quite good at it. Maybe it was all those years watching people kiss in the movies. I’d learned by Hollywood osmosis.

  Things with Guy were getting a bit past 12A by then. His hand strayed dangerously close to my chest, and my bra, and my bra’s interior contents which weren’t quite ready for him.

  How do you say “stop” when you’re busy kissing someone?

  Then, just as he was an inch away from my underwire, his phone went off.

  Guy rolled off me and got his screen up, while I lay there, looking at him. It was a little bit like the meadow scene in Twilight, apart from the empty beer cans on the grass. Oh, and, well, the graffitied bench over there. And, I guess, yeah, I was quite sure Guy had a boner right then because something had been sticking into my leg and I really didn’t think Edward Cullen had a boner in the meadow because that would’ve ruined it, quite frankly.

  “Who is it?” I asked, rearranging myself and feeling shy. Guy’s face was lit up by the artificial blue light. He didn’t reply, just started messaging.

  I can do that too, I thought. I got out my own phone. There was a message from Amber. I’d forgotten all about her.

  Evie, I’m sorry. Where are you? How are you getting home? I’m with Jane and Joel. You coming to Lottie’s Spinster Club meeting tomorrow?

  I frowned at it. I was still a bit mad, I guess. About what she’d said about Guy. She didn’t know him, not like I did. He’d been so sweet this evening… I think.

  I’m with Guy. I know you have opinions but please don’t share them right now. I’ll see you tomorrow… I paused for a moment before adding, I’m sorry too.

  I put my phone back in my bag and looked up at Guy. His face was dark again. My stomach did an uncomfortable flip-flop. “What is it?”

  He shrugged. “We didn’t win. Your boyfriend’s band did.” His tone made the uncomfortable flip-flop do a backflip.

  “He’s not my boyfriend. I told you, I…”

  Guy interrupted me. “I mean, who lets a cover band win a battle of the bands? They’ve not even written a song. What did they contribute?”

  “Well, I…nothing, I guess.”

  His lip curled. “Oh shut up, Evie. I know you loved them. I saw you dancing to their stupid set. You didn’t even watch ours.”

  “I…I…”

  He stood up abruptly. “Joel’s parents are out so he’s having a few people back to his. I’ll walk you back then I’m heading there.”

  “Oh…okay.” I stood too.

  He stormed off through the bushes and I had to half run to catch up with him.

  What had happened? Was it my fault? Why wasn’t he inviting me to Joel’s party? Was I a bad kisser after all? Was he really that upset by not winning? Ethan’s band was much better… Were we boyfriend and girlfriend now? Why wasn’t he holding my hand? What did he want from me? Should I maybe try and make the first move? Make it back to how it was fifteen minutes ago?

  I matched his pace and gently took his hand. Guy looked down at it. He squeezed it a bit and then dropped it like it was the wettest fish in the fish shop and kept walking.

  We stormed through the darkness in silence – my mind whirring ten million miles a moment.

  What’s going on? What have I done? Is it my fault? It’s usually my fault. Does he still like me?

  When we got to my house I was resigned to the fact I’d ruined everything. I held back tears, my jaw wobbling with the sheer effort. Rose’s light was still on. Oh God – how was I going to get past without her seeing me cry? Then she’d tell Mum and Dad and they’d put me back on the medicine and I would’ve failed once again, like I fail everything, like life is just one big test I keep flunking.

  “Well,” I said, not able to look at him. “Bye then.”

  I went to leave – the tears right in my ducts now, just waiting for the command to fall uncontrollably for the next two hours…

  “Evelyn.”

  Guy kissed me hard again. And all my tears turned to gasps of breath. And my heart…it was beating so hard, it was so filled with relief and happy.

  He grinned at me, his teeth almost bumping into my teeth.

  “I had such a good night,” he whispered.

  And he was gone.

  Rose was reading one of my film magazines in bed. She saw me tiptoe past the gap in her bedroom door. “Evie? What’s happened? I can see your smile from here.”

  I stopped and put my head around the door. “Oh, hey, Rose. I’m fine. How are you? Did you have a nice evening?”

  She put the magazine down. “Why are you talking to me like you’re at a job interview?”

  “Oh – am I?”

  “You are. You just did it again.” She smiled, though it was a bit sad. “Something happened with you and Guy, didn’t it?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “Get in and tell me everything.”

  She looked so happy for me – so ge
nuinely buzzingly happy for me, that I forgave her for the cleaning box and clambered under her duvet.

  “Well…” I said. “It all started when Ethan kissed me.”

  “ETHAN?”

  “Yes.”

  We whispered and giggled until time lost all meaning. Rose was so lovely about Guy. She got it, I guess. What a big deal it was.

  Just as she was falling asleep on my shoulder, I remembered something.

  “Hey? Weren’t you supposed to be staying at Rachel’s tonight?” Rachel was her best friend and I vaguely remembered Mum talking about her ice-skating and sleepover party.

  “Oh…that…” Rose said sleepily. “She got sick… I’m so happy for you, Evie.”

  Rose fell asleep.

  I carefully untangled our limbs and tucked the blanket up around her. Her little face was so peaceful. Is that what I looked like when I slept? Was it the only time my face looked that serene? Without my conscious brain to bully me about? I crept to my room and clambered into bed.

  I had rolled in grass, I’d danced in a sweaty mosh pit, I’d had Guy’s tongue in my mouth, his unclean hands on my body.

  I didn’t feel like washing any of that away.

  Unhelpful thought

  Say thank you, Evelyn.

  I should, really. My good night. My gorgeous perfect night – it was my reward. For touching the mirror, for touching all the lamp posts on the walk in. I’d done what the universe had told me to do and it had rewarded me.

  You should always say thank you.

  I pulled out every film individually from my shelves and touched it six times, whispering “thank you” as I did.

  By the time I was done, the sun was rising.

  Thirty-five

  I woke up to no message from Guy.

  Then I remembered.

  BAD THOUGHT

  You’ve not washed since yesterday.

  BAD THOUGHT

  You were lying on the GROUND.

  BAD THOUGHT

  Get in the shower, Evie. Get in, get in, GET IN.

  I wrapped my bath towel around myself and pattered out onto the landing. Mum was waiting for me, a pile of laundry in her hands.

  “I didn’t hear you come back last night,” she said.

  “I made curfew, but it was still late.”

  “Thank you. Did you have fun?”

  “Yes.” I tried to sidestep past her. “I’m having a shower.”

  She sidestepped too, blocking me like a bouncer. “Evie, I’m trying to talk to you.”

  “Mum, I’m in a towel!”

  I’d been pretty frantic already, but with her stopping me, the need was urgent. I need to do it, I need to do it. Now now now now now.

  “I can see that.” Her eyes fell on my hands. Bugger! I’d forgotten to hide them under the towel. I went to pull them away but she’d already grabbed them.

  “Evie, what the hell have you been doing to your hands? They’re red raw.”

  “Mum, I’m going to be late.”

  “Have you been washing them again?”

  “Everyone washes their hands, Mum, unless they’re gross.”

  Shower shower shower, I needed to get in that shower. Why was she stopping me, why? WHY? Tears pricked in my eyes. My hands shook in hers. They stung.

  “You know that’s not what I mean.”

  “It’s just the change in season!” I protested.

  “Evelyn, I’m ringing Sarah first thing tomorrow to tell her. Thank God you’ve got an appointment booked in already.”

  My mouth dropped open. “No!” Sarah would find out I was losing it again, and then they’d put me back on my meds and then I would’ve failed, and then I’d have to start recovery all over again. And that would mean they’d make me stop touching street lights…when I’d just worked out how to make my life good… The worst thing of all, they’d make me stop cleaning things again and I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. Not now. Not yet. Not when I’d just started living.

  “I am.”

  “Please, just let me take a shower.” I was crying now. She gave me this look, the one I hated, of trying to be kind but secretly hiding her disgust and disappointment, like she still couldn’t believe I couldn’t control myself. “I’m going to be late to meet my friends.”

  “Do you need a shower?” Her voice was all stern. I hated her so much. I swear she enjoyed this tough-love thing.

  “Yes, I do. Please!”

  Begging, I was begging. How was I so happy just last night? If everyone would just leave me alone, and let me do what I wanted, then I’d be happy.

  “When did you last shower?” she pressed.

  No – she wasn’t going to do this. She wasn’t. “LEAVE ME ALONE.” I yelled it so loud she released my hands in shock. I took my chance and barged past her into the bathroom.

  “Evie? Evie, NO.”

  I locked the door, my heart thumping like mad. I dropped my towel and turned the water on. I was under it before it’d even warmed up, crying into the water streams, mixing my tears with my shampoo down the drain. Mum banged on the door but I started humming, tuning it out.

  Now, Evie, you just need to make a really good lather, don’t you? The soap is antibacterial, so you’ll sterilize the top layer of your skin, and get rid of all yesterday’s horridness. Then, maybe if you use that apricot scrub? All over? You’ll open up your pores more, won’t you? Then use more antibacterial soap and that will get into the pores, making sure you’re getting it all out.

  I did it, and it felt amazing.

  I wanted to do it all over again. So I did.

  The banging stopped, my crying subsided. I thought of perfectly valid reasons why Guy hadn’t messaged to keep my brain busy.

  Perfectly valid reasons why Guy hadn’t messaged

  1) His phone battery died.

  2) He crashed at Joel’s, so has no access to a charger yet.

  3) He felt no need to message because he said, “I had such a good night”, and that’s usually the sort of thing you would message.

  4) He’s overwhelmed by the strength of his feelings and needs some space.

  I lathered up for a third time, this round focusing on right under my fingernails and toenails. I sat on the floor of the shower so I wouldn’t lose my balance as I scrubbed viciously.

  5) He…

  The water ran stone cold and I gasped. It sent shockwaves through my body. I screamed. It was so cold. It had to stop. I tried to get to my feet but slipped over, icy cold water raining down on me as I clambered up again. I had to get to the tap – to make it stop. I leaned up and got there, pushing the tap towards the hot side, trying to make the warm come back. If anything, the water got colder. The door banging started again.

  “Evie, get out before you freeze!” Mum yelled.

  She’d turned the hot water off. The horrible horrible bitch.

  My hands shook so hard I could barely push the tap off. With one last tug, I did, and dropped to the floor again, shivering uncontrollably.

  “Evie, get out of there, right now!” My teeth chattered. I was still covered in soap. I hated her, I HATED HER. I wobbled out onto the lino, grabbed my towel and used it to scrape off the worst of the suds. The door banged again.

  “All right, all right.” I could barely breathe I was so angry. I wrapped the towel around myself and flung open the door.

  “HAPPY NOW?” I screamed into Mum’s face, before pushing past and padding angrily to my room.

  “Evelyn, come back here. I’m worried about this. We need to talk.”

  “No, I need to put some clothes on before I die of hypothermia,” I shouted, before slamming my bedroom door shut. The first thing I went for was my phone. Just in case he’d messaged when I was in the shower. It would all be fine if he’d messaged. It would all be okay if someone cared for me.

  My phone screen was tauntingly empty.

  I screamed and chucked it across my room. The screen smashed at the side as it clattered on my wooden floorboards.


  Rose came in without knocking. “Evie, what’s going on? Mum’s crying in the hallway.”

  “You better get away from me!” I yelled, loud enough so I knew Mum would hear. “Isn’t she scared I’ll give you ideas? That just being in my proximity will make you CRAZY TOO?”

  “She’s just trying to help, Evie,” Rose said quietly.

  “Oh, I knew you’d be on her side.” I chucked clothes onto myself – layer after layer to warm up. I caught a glimpse in the mirror and had a fleeting thought that was soon lost in the rage.

  Fleeting thought

  You’re looking a bit thin again, Evelyn.

  I was supposed to maintain my weight, supposed to eat three meals a day. And, yeah, maybe I hadn’t been eating that much recently but I just wasn’t hungry. That, and, well, food can make you sick, can’t it? I pulled on an extra jumper and wrapped my scarf around myself six times.

  “I’m on your side, we all are,” Rose said.

  “You sound like a hostage negotiator.”

  Her face crumpled up with hurt but I didn’t care. Anyway, I was more hurt! I could hardly see I was crying so hard.

  “Where are you going?”

  “Out.” I put on a bobble hat.

  “Where out?”

  “To see my friends.” We had a Spinster meeting planned at Lottie’s.

  “Can’t you just sit and chat to us for a bit? Until Mum calms down? We’re worried about you, Evie.”

  “No.”

  “You’re making it worse.”

  “Christ, Rose! Can’t you act your age for once? Can’t you be a normal sister and help me escape down the drainpipe? You’re such a goody-goody!”

  Rose started crying and it made my heart ache – but it was aching for me more. For the soap flaking off my skin, for the skin flaking off my hands, for the message that wasn’t on my phone, from a boy who took flaking to a whole new level. I couldn’t bear it, I couldn’t feel guilt on top of everything.

  I picked up my cracked phone, stepped past my crying sister and blasted out of the house, with Mum calling, “Evie? EVIE?!” behind me.

  Thirty-six

  “Evie!”

  Lottie’s mum opened her arms for a giant hug. She smelled of herbs and I didn’t want to touch her. I stepped back instinctively and faked a cough.