Worthy of Trust and Confidence

by Kara A. McLeod

  “There’s just one thing I don’t understand,” SAIC Quinn said.

  “What’s that?”

  “Why didn’t you go to your SAIC with this?”

  The tension that shot through my body at the question was acutely painful, and I sat ramrod straight, aggravating my still-healing injuries something fierce. I’d known it was coming, of course. There was no way SAIC Quinn wouldn’t have demanded a thorough explanation as to why I was going completely outside of my chain of command to bring this to her. That line I’d fed Allison about office gossip possibly tipping Mark off wouldn’t fly with SAIC Quinn. I’d known I’d have to come clean about my true motives. But that didn’t mean the question didn’t put me on edge.

  “I can’t tell my SAIC about this,” I admitted quietly, dreading Allison’s reaction to the bombshell I was being forced to drop. “It’s a conflict of interest.”

  “You can’t think he’s somehow involved,” SAIC Quinn stated, her voice mostly flat save for the bright notes of disbelief. “I’ve known Ben Flannigan for years. He’s a good man and as honest as the day is long. There’s no way he had anything to do with this.”

  I couldn’t help the smile that stole over my lips at her opinion of my boss. He’d undoubtedly have been pleased to hear it. I’d have to remember to tell him later.

  “No. I don’t think he was involved. But I do think he’s too close to the situation to be even remotely objective. A fact that, come trial time, a defense attorney will have a field day with.” I hesitated a beat. Two. Three. The expectant silence that shrouded us was heavy and thick. I turned to face Allison. I wanted to look her in the eye when I finally confessed this to her. “He’s my father.”

  Allison hissed and drew back, putting space between our bodies quicker than I ever would’ve imagined possible. I immediately missed her warmth but didn’t have the nerve to rectify that situation. Each and every emotion that flowed over her face as my words sank in—confusion, hurt, betrayal, anger—was like a knife straight through my heart. The way she was looking at me now, it was doubtful she’d ever forgive me. My stomach clenched painfully.

  If either the SAIC or Hannah noticed the rift the revelation had sparked between Allison and me, they were polite enough not to mention it. In fact, Hannah didn’t seem particularly surprised.

  “Well, that explains why you were some sort of freaky super recruit in the academy,” she said dryly. “You had an inside edge. You knew exactly what to expect.”

  I nodded miserably. I clasped my hands together in my lap and wrung my fingers. As I was intently studying Allison’s features, I saw with aching clarity the exact moment the puzzle pieces clicked into place for her as she recalled the day we’d met—the conversations we’d had about my upcoming training, my correct use of agency vernacular, our trip to the range, my proficiency with our firearms—and certain things finally added up for her. God, I wished I hadn’t had to hit her with this in front of an audience. My dad’s favorite adage about wishing in one hand and spitting in the other flitted uselessly through my thoughts.

  For her part, SAIC Quinn appeared completely oblivious to the personal drama unfolding around her. Her expression was serious and thoughtful as she obviously considered what to do with the information I’d just presented her. Her fingertips tapped out an idle, staccato rhythm on the tops of her thighs as she deliberated.

  “I’m going to have to tell Ben,” SAIC Quinn announced just when I’d been about to break the silence myself. “I can’t just have one of his agents arrested without warning him first.”

  “I know. But, if it’s not too much to ask, do you think you could tell him right before you’re about to do the takedown? I think it’ll be easier for him if he doesn’t have a lot of time to dwell on the situation. It’ll take away the burden of having to decide whether to give in to his personal feelings and act on the information or remain professional and let the scenario play out without him.”

  “I agree with you. That’d probably be best.”

  “Also, would it be all right if I went with you when you do tell him?”

  For some reason I didn’t even have the energy to attempt to fathom, the SAIC seemed pleasantly surprised. “Of course.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I’m going to make a few phone calls. I want you to go home and try to get some sleep. We can meet up early tomorrow morning to review your evidence before we present it to the assistant United States attorney. I want to swear out a warrant for this guy and execute it as quickly as possible. The sooner we do this, the better chance we have of catching him before he dumps that phone. You’re free tomorrow, I assume?”

  I nodded, thankful she wanted to inform an AUSA that quickly. I was fairly positive I wouldn’t be able to breathe easy until Mark was behind bars. “Yes, ma’am. I’m still on light duty, so I can’t be assigned. I have nothing planned.”

  “Good. Expect to hear from me bright and early tomorrow morning, then. I’ll let you know where to meet when I call you. Obviously, we don’t want to do this at your office. And the fewer people who know about this, the better.” She paused, obviously considering something. “Perhaps it’s just easier for you to bring everything here.”

  “Whatever you think is best, ma’am. I defer to your experience and expertise on this one.”

  SAIC Quinn appeared mildly amused by my reply but opted not to comment directly. Instead, she said, “Perfect. We’ll use the morning to get all our affairs in order, and we’ll have the chief of the Counterterrorism Division of the Southern District meet us here for the case presentation after lunch.”

  I felt as though a huge burden had been taken off my shoulders. I guess that’s what happened when you found someone to share the load. With the weight distributed among several people, it suddenly didn’t seem quite so heavy. The irony that I’d spent so much time trying to shield Allison from the weight of any and all of my burdens wasn’t lost on me. I simply chose not to dwell on it for the time being.

  We all stood and made our way to the front door. Allison exited the apartment without a word or a backward glance, and I tried not to wince at her attitude. It wasn’t easy. I turned back to SAIC Quinn and held out my hand. “I can’t thank you enough, ma’am, for everything you’re doing for me. I really appreciate it. I didn’t know who else to go to with this.”

  The SAIC took my hand in hers and shook it solemnly. “Don’t mention it. I’m greatly looking forward to nailing this bastard to the wall.”

  I couldn’t help but smile. “And I’m looking forward to handing you the hammer.”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  The elevator ride back down to the street was even more awkward for me than the ride up had been. Allison refused to look at me, and I was too mentally drained to think about trying to come up with something to say to her. I just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a year. Of course, my hopes for that scenario playing out in my favor were slim, since I hadn’t had a decent night’s sleep in forever. I didn’t even attempt to rein in my exhausted sigh.

  No one was more surprised than I when Allison wordlessly climbed into the car with me. And I sure as hell hadn’t expected her to remain silent when I asked her where she wanted to go. I’d assumed she would head to a hotel or go straight back to DC or something. I would’ve liked to say I was pleasantly astonished by this turn of events, but given Allison’s current mood, I wasn’t convinced this was a good development.

  The entire ride, Allison sat pressed against the passenger door, as far away from me as she could possibly get without actually being in a different car. She had her arms folded tightly across her chest and her jaw clenched so forcefully I could hear her teeth grinding together over the din of the city traffic. Her eyes remained fixed out the window as we rode, but she didn’t appear to be seeing anything that we passed. The only words that came to mind to describe her expression were “darkly furious.”

  We made it into my apartment without a word between us. I felt like a live wire ha
d been applied to the surface of my skin. My nerves were frayed to the point of disintegration. Trying to stall the inevitable, I took a long time hanging up my suit jacket and placing my house keys on the hook next to the door, trying not to notice that my hands were shaking.

  I inhaled a deep, steeling breath and paused to wipe my palms on my pants before shoving my hands into my pockets. Allison’s face, the absolute, pure rage swirling in her eyes as she glared out the window at the Brooklyn skyline, told me this was going to be bad. Exactly how bad remained to be seen.

  I endured the charged silence as long as I could before I finally grew weary of waiting and decided to force this conversation. “Allison, I—”

  She whipped around to face me, causing the words I’d been about to utter to shrivel and die on my lips. My breath whooshed out of me in a painful rush as her gaze locked onto mine and she stared all the way into my soul. I squirmed under the attention.

  “Don’t,” Allison growled. She pointed one finger in my direction. “Don’t speak. Not. One. Word.”

  “Okay,” I whispered.

  Allison shot me a look meant to wither and clasped both hands on the back of her neck. She stalked back and forth across my living room restlessly, her eyes darting around seemingly at random. She was obviously considering what to say. I simultaneously prayed she’d hurry up and dreaded her ever speaking.

  I remained as still as possible while she roved. Only my eyes followed her progress. I definitely didn’t want to incur her wrath before it was absolutely necessary, no matter how much I might’ve felt I deserved it.

  She strode purposefully in my direction and stopped directly in front of me. Mere inches separated her body from mine. She was so close to me, I could feel the heat rolling off her in waves.

  “A year, Ryan. We were sleeping together for an entire year, and you never once thought to tell me you were the SAIC’s daughter?!” Her eyes appeared a shade of black that seemed to leech light from the room, and her body vibrated as she seethed. Her fists clenched and unclenched at her sides, and I suspected she was struggling to best the impulse to slug me.

  “I know, Allison. I’m sorry.” What the hell else could I say? She was right. I should’ve told her sooner. But was now the right time to reiterate the complexity of the relationship to her? Somehow, I doubted it’d help matters.

  “I can’t believe I didn’t see it before,” she muttered, more to herself than to me, I suspected.

  I answered her anyway. “How could you have? We have different last names. And we don’t interact much when we’re in the office—we don’t have to—so it’s doubtful you’d ever seen us together except at the hospital a few days ago.”

  Allison ignored me to resume pacing and muttering to herself. “I should’ve known. The day we met, there were so many clues, so many things you said and did that should’ve tipped me off that you had family in the agency. You asked if I’d done my detail time yet. You handled an MP-5 like you were born with one in your hand. You put up a shot grouping with my pistol that I’ve never seen even from agents who’ve been on the job for decades. How could I not have realized it?”

  “Because you were so blinded by how adorable I am?”

  She rounded on me, her glare withering.

  I held up both hands in supplication and took a step back. “Sorry. Not the time.”

  “Who else knows?” she demanded.

  “Who else knows what? That he’s my dad?”

  Allison bobbed her head once in an angry imitation of what the agents in the field had not-so-kindly dubbed “the PPD nod.” I had to fight not to roll my eyes or allow myself to give in to the distraction the gesture presented and pursue it with a sarcastic comment. Later, I’d have to remember to be proud of myself for that restraint.

  “No one,” I told her honestly.

  Allison glared at me with evident suspicion and disbelief. “No one. Not even Meaghan or what’s-his-name? Your work husband?”

  I blinked at her, startled she even knew about Rico. He and I hadn’t become close until after she’d left, and I knew for a fact I’d never mentioned him to her. No way, after seeing us dance together at that wheels-up party, could she have reached that conclusion. Not unless—

  Allison broke into my mental conjecturing. “I heard somebody say it.” She didn’t look happy, although it was tough for me to tell whether that humorous descriptor of my relationship with Rico had anything to do with her displeasure.

  “No,” I told her firmly, keeping the conversation on topic. “Neither of them knows.”

  “You really expect me to believe you never told them?”

  “I can’t believe you seriously think I’d tell either of them something I hadn’t even told you.” Her lack of faith in me was acutely painful. Yes. I realized that reaction probably leaned strongly toward hypocritical, considering all the things I’d kept from her, but that insight did nothing to negate the feelings.

  “Did he know?”

  “I just told you Rico didn’t know.”

  “I wasn’t talking about Rico.”

  “Oh. Who were you talking about, then? And what do you want to know if he knew?”

  “The SAIC. Your father. Did he know about us?”

  Oh. We were changing direction again. Okay. I took a moment to consider her question, attempting to figure out where the hell her little deviation was taking us. As was usually the case with her conversational twists and turns, I was completely clueless.

  “No. He didn’t.” I reflected on that statement for a second and then amended it. “At least I never told him. But I don’t know what he heard through the grapevine. I can promise you he never mentioned it to me, though. And I honestly think he would’ve said something. To Rory, if not directly to me. And she definitely would’ve mentioned it.” Pumped me for information was more like it, but I didn’t think now was the time to be picky about semantics.

  “You never mentioned it to him. Never let it slip. Not even once.” She appeared skeptical.

  “Well, you were pretty insistent that we keep it a secret,” I fired back. “I assumed that meant from him, too.”

  Allison continued to glare at me, her eyes searching mine intently. For what, I couldn’t have said. “Does he know now?”

  “Does he know what now? About us?”

  Allison’s glare darkened, which I would previously have thought impossible, and a shiver went up my spine. She leaned in even closer. If she hadn’t looked so livid, I’d have sworn she was about to kiss me. I tensed as a trickle of fear wound around my insides, slithering around my organs and making me faintly queasy.

  “Yes.” Allison’s jaw was clenched again, and she ground the word out through gritted teeth.

  “Are you asking me if he’s aware or are you asking specifically if I told him? And are you asking if he knew about us then or if he knows about us now? Because the answers to those questions are different.”

  “Then answer all of them.”

  “I honestly don’t know if he knew then or if he knows now. I have no clue what he hears through office gossip or if he even pays attention to it. But I haven’t gotten around to telling him yet. We’ve had a lot of other stuff to talk about lately. You know, what with the assassination attempts and all.”

  And just like that, her anger evaporated. Like a bouncy castle whose air pump has been turned off, she deflated and collapsed into a heap onto the couch, staring at one of the legs of my coffee table. It was perhaps the most anticlimactic ending to an argument I’d ever experienced, and I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I didn’t trust it. Not completely. Definitely not enough to drop my guard.

  “I can’t believe you lied to me,” Allison whispered so softly she might’ve been talking to herself. Her eyes were downcast. She couldn’t even look at me.

  I opened my mouth to point out that technically I hadn’t lied to her—I’d never said Ben wasn’t my father—but somehow I doubted she’d appreciate the distinction. I snapped my mouth closed and s
ighed.

  I sidled closer to her, lacking the courage to actually attempt to sit beside her or touch her. But I couldn’t suppress my desire to be nearer. I shoved my hands back into the pockets of my dress pants and clenched them into fists, yearning for contact.

  It took a few minutes, but eventually, Allison remembered I was there. She tipped her head up so she could study me, and the pain laid bare on her face made me ache.

  “I know this doesn’t change anything, but for what it’s worth, I really am sorry.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” she murmured, her voice so shaky and fragile I wanted to cry.

  “I’m sorry,” I repeated softly. “I wanted my career to be my own. I didn’t want to just be Ben Flannigan’s daughter. Surely you can understand that. I know it doesn’t excuse me hiding it from you for so long but…” I was unable to even conjure up a justification for my actions.

  “And yesterday? When I asked if you were keeping anything else from me?”

  I frowned. “I…I thought you meant about the whole thing with Lucia. I—I didn’t…I mean, this never even occurred to me.”

  “Would you have told me then if it had?”

  “Well, we didn’t have a lot more time to talk, if I recall correctly.”

  “So that’s a no, then.”

  “Allison, of all the things I’ve got on my mind at the moment, this was among the furthest. So, no. Probably not. But not because I was still actively keeping it from you.”

  She appeared slightly mollified. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just…The news caught me off guard, and I’m not handling it very well, I’m afraid.”

  “I know it’s a lot to take in. But I swear I never meant to keep it from you for this long.”

  “So why did you?”

  “I don’t know. I guess when we first got together, I was afraid you wouldn’t want anything to do with me if you found out who I was. But I also thought we were just fooling around, so I didn’t think you really needed to know. Then when things started to get serious between us, I could never seem to find the right time. And the longer I waited, the harder it became. Then we broke up and you went to DC, so I didn’t think it mattered anymore. Now, I’ve just been preoccupied. But I was going to tell you.”