The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

by Nick Offerman

  M: It’ll be a hit factory.

  N: You can make a hip-hop record that goes platinum.

  M: And you will use the proceeds to fulfill your lifelong dream.

  N: Yes, I’ll start my clothing line. Kanye Midwest. YeeHawzy?

  * * *

  —

  M: OK. This is the topic where Nick is really going to shine: fashion.

  N: Fashion.

  M: Nick is so into fash—

  N: I got this. I’ll take this, honey.

  M: OK. Excuse me.

  N: Fashion. Let’s start in Madrid. Milan. Let’s start in Milan.

  M: Milano.

  N: Milanese fashion. Or couture, as we call it.

  M: He can’t get enough.

  N: I mean, what would my life be without Stella McCartney? And Miu Miu, and all of my Jimmy Choo skips.

  M: If I had a nickel . . . Sidebar: Nick was dressed as Cher yesterday, and I was dressed as Sonny. I think he was pretty into it, quite frankly.

  N: No.

  M: I think so.

  N: I wasn’t. I was into— It was like wearing a monster costume, like it didn’t feel comfortable, and I was doing my best to cut loose.

  M: Methinks the lady.

  N: We were doing this photo shoot, and they were playing music and wanted us to dance. And I’ve learned to let go of any inhibitions. I already looked so stupid. I looked crazy—I was wearing a tiny little latex skirt and basically two Band-Aids over my nipples. And a wig, crazy heels, and an Indian headdress. And if you want it to be funny, and to work, you need to not think about how dumb you look in front of the twelve strangers taking your picture.

  M: It was really interesting. We did a few where we were kissing and stuff. I think we should do it full-time. I would just as soon go around as a white male. Right? Because they’re running everything. And you’d be the girl for a while.

  N: I don’t know. Maybe we could just be bros. Because here’s the thing: you as Sonny had a charisma that was undeniable.

  M: I can so easily be made up to be a man that it is insane. Like, it barely takes anything and I look like a dude.

  N: It’s because you’re thin, classic features, and therefore malleable. I am husky. And so you throw me in a bikini and there’s nothing . . .

  M: Your legs looked really good, though, I have to say.

  N: That’s a nice thing to say.

  M: When we did our measurements—they made us do a whole sheet of measurements—we had to go out and buy a tape measure and do it on each other. And Nick’s calves and ankles are almost exactly the same diameter as mine, which is very depressing for me and casts a slight aspersion on Nick.

  N: In terms of the fashion of it all, I’ve just never cared. I don’t care. I understand it and I don’t disparage it, and I respect it enough that I depend on Megan’s sensibility to pick stuff and to help me discern the right dress code for any given situation. But I grew up a country kid, and I still would rather be as I am right now, in my Carhartts, a flannel shirt from L.L.Bean, and a T-shirt from Bohnhoff Lumber.

  M: I think Fashion in the larger sense, with a capital F, is ridiculous. But the thing I like about fashion, lowercase, is—and I wouldn’t really call it fashion, more like style—if you can be creative, if you can dress in a way that makes you feel good, and that is creative for you in one way or another, then I think that’s great. And I don’t think that anybody should ever make fun of Björk’s swan dress, because it was genius. Everybody should be wearing a swan dress everywhere they go, or something like it. At least she was doing her own thing instead of being this cookie cutter walking down the red carpet. Because one of the shitty things about fashion is how they’ve kidnapped the entertainment world so that every actress feels like she has to look like she’s coming off the cover of Italian Vogue every time she steps out of her house. The pressure to look a certain way, especially on red carpets, is ridiculous. You should be able to wear whatever you want. And the money that I have personally spent . . . and nobody even gives a shit what I wear! But I feel beholden, or like my good name will be besmirched or something if I don’t wear the right thing. I feel too intimidated to not toe the line and go along with it. But when I think of the gigantic amounts of money that I have had to personally spend to buy clothes in order to go out and publicize things that I’ve done, it’s nuts. Because people aren’t giving me clothes, designers aren’t sending clothes to fifty-nine-year-olds. I probably spent on clothes, to promote Why Him?, the same amount of money that I was paid to act in the entire movie after taxes and after paying my agents, et cetera.

  N: I despise it because it’s one of the things that stresses you out the most.

  M: (Laughs) Can you tell by the fifteen-page monologue I instantly launched into? I will actually turn things down because I can’t deal with figuring out what to wear. I almost didn’t go to South by Southwest where I had three movies just because I couldn’t face packing. That sounds like a really ridiculous problem, because people are literally starving to death as I said that sentence, and it is, it is a ridiculous problem, but everything’s relative. Let’s just put it this way: it’s something that I dislike.

  Anyway, back to our lifeblood, fashion: I love going to vintage clothes stores and finding weird things, especially T-shirts. That’s something that Stephanie and I have in common: we both like to play dress-up in that regard. But I’ve never been a “girly girl.” I remember at one point I was on a series and another actress on the show lived for award shows and getting dolled up, whereas Nick and I would dread it. And for women, it takes so long to find the right thing to wear, and that you’re not going to be raked over the coals for. Because when that happens, the coal-raking, it’s unpleasant. When everybody makes fun of you and says mean things. It’s not fun, it doesn’t feel good. So you don’t want that. You just want to kind of skirt by. You don’t have to be in the top best-dressed anything, you just want to get in and get out without having a flamethrower shot up your ass.

  N: That’s another great example of sexism in our business. The women are put through this and the guys get a free pass.

  M: So it takes so long to find the right thing to wear, and then you have to pay for it. Most people hire stylists, which is even more expensive. I just do it on my own now, because it’s easier and you end up looking like yourself and not someone else’s idea of you. And then getting ready takes like thirty-two hours. And then you go to the red carpet and they take your picture, and you go home and think, “The selfie I took half in the dark in the car on the way there is four hundred times better than any picture they took on the red carpet.” I don’t even know why that is. Can they not get good lights for the red carpet? You would think that would be a priority.

  Anyway, there’s a lot of pressure. If I feel it, then I don’t even know what these other actresses are doing, the really famous ones. If I were some young actress like Emma Stone, I’d be in an insane asylum. It’s something I don’t really want to spend a lot of time thinking about. I don’t want to think about my clothes a lot. I have so many other things I’d rather think about. I’d like to read a book and not think about shoes. There was a great tweet from Karen Kilgariff: “‘Shoes!’—the dumb.” That’s one of my favorite tweets ever.

  N: I like to have the same garments for fifteen to twenty-five years. I like my clothes to be comfortable and perform work. And I like work boots that you can send back to White’s Boots in Spokane and have them resoled. And I don’t much care for having my picture taken.

  M: Nick has found his style, which is sort of a no-nonsense, rugged presentation with a dash of pizzazz thrown in.

  N: The occasional pop of color.

  M: But back to figuring out what your style is: Just take your time and try different things until it feels right. My mother was very much in the Gloria Vanderbilt camp. She always looked great, but that wasn’t my t
hing. My father was, like, Brooks Brothers all the way. My style, it turns out, is “’90s beatboxer.” That’s what I’ve settled on, and I’m very happy with it.

  N: You have an awesome, eclectic style that I love.

  M: I love you.

  N: I love you. And I love work boots.

  M: Thanks for being my fashion inspiration.

  N: You got it.

  My Tip?

  Forget about it! Don’t have any. Don’t have any beauty tips.

  And by that I mean: Don’t spend a lot of time freaking out about what you look like. Just try to be the best version of what you are naturally.

  Eyebrow Party

  Okay, one thing I would say, though, is don’t pluck your eyebrows. I used to have the most insane, crazy Brooke Shields eyebrows, and when I did How to Succeed in Business on Broadway, they got this idea that my eyebrows weren’t 1960-looking enough. So they had this woman come and pluck them all out. I grew them back, but then Drew Barrymore had teeny little eyebrows, and I thought, “That’s what I need,” and then they stopped growing as much. So just don’t do it. It’s better to rock a dope unibrow than to have teeny little weird eyebrows.

  Epidermusts™

  Take good care of your skin. Spend a little money on good products for your skin and use them every night. Just wash your face, do all the little extra things, and use a lot of moisturizer. Use really goopy moisturizer and really goopy body lotion. My mom used Nivea, which is like putting bacon grease on your face. Now she’s ninety-six and has like three wrinkles. She looks amazing. She looks eighty-six. (Laughs) But she looks great.

  Threads

  In terms of what men think—don’t do that sexy thing. Women don’t wear clothes anymore. It’ll be freezing, literally 20 degrees outside, and girls are wearing, like, lace hot pants and a CBD patch. I mean, if you simply want to be nude, great. But if you’re doing it because you think other girls are doing it and guys might like that, or you get into bars or get free drinks or whatever—maybe don’t. Maybe don’t even go to bars. And don’t get free drinks. None of those things are super high on the cuteness spectrum. Read some books. (Laughs) It’s a wonder that I ever had a boyfriend in my entire life, because all I really like to do is read. I don’t even know how I ever met another human.

  So. Not. On. Fleek.

  Not trying to follow trends and fashion too much is good. First of all, it’s exhausting. And it’s expensive because it changes every ten seconds. And the thing that’s the big thing right now, people will literally scoff at you six months later for wearing. So don’t bother about that too much. Get a pair of plaid pants, but not, like, twenty pairs of plaid pants like I did. And then just get stuff that makes you feel good, even if it’s not what everyone else is wearing. Buy something weird and wear it. No one’s going to care, and you’ll feel daring and like everyone can suck it.

  It’s All Good, Baby

  Try not to be too hard on yourself about your body—that’s always good. The shape of it, the height of it. Although I never was able to really do that until, like, three weeks ago because I started out as a dancer, so of course I was completely paranoid about every square centimeter of my body. And my father had been so judgmental of women’s bodies. One time, my father and my mom and I were waiting for an elevator, and there was a really pretty woman in her twenties standing near us, also waiting for the elevator. She was wearing some top and a pair of tight pants. She was really teeny, really thin. But the top of her thighs went out a little bit from her hips—just a teeny bit. My father took one look at her and said, “Saddlebags.” He called her Saddlebags because she had an extra inch of flesh on her thighs. What I’m trying to say is that he set an amazing example, so that was good. He also liked to make lascivious comments about a couple of my friends when we would sunbathe in bikinis in the backyard in, like, eighth grade, and that was also excellent.

  In terms of body image, I would just let it fly, as long as you’re healthy. I think that’s the main thing.

  It’s Going Inside Your Body AF

  Food that’s not processed is for cuties. If you’re a woman, taking calcium and magnesium from a young age is really good, also. It’s one of those semi-well-kept secrets, like what happens to your hoohaw after menopause. I only drink water and, every once in a while, herbal tea. Maybe because of that, I’ve become kind of phobic about water. I’m like a water hoarder. I always have to have a giant bottle of water with me. Ask Nick. He thinks it’s realll cool.

  You Better Werk

  Exercise is great. When I look at my mom’s generation—no one reading this book is going to be from my mom’s generation, because my mom is ninety-six—even the generation after that, like let’s say it starts at Jane Fonda, that’s when people really started working out. Before that there was just this guy, Jack LaLanne, who was a “fitness nut.” He used to work out, lift weights, do jumping jacks, and people said, “Huh. What a freaky little dude.” So Jack LaLanne was alone in that pursuit. But then Jane Fonda came along, and everyone suddenly realized that women could have muscles, and everything became aerobics. And then it was step class, then spin class, Pilates, yoga, et cetera. My mom and her friends never worked out, and once they got older and anything went wrong healthwise, they didn’t have any reserves, any muscle mass, so it was like one strike and you’re out. And so I think it’s good to work out when you’re younger. It makes you feel good, but it’s also great when you’re ninety-six. It comes in handy.

  Special Special Times

  Back to clothes: Have fun with what you’re wearing. Wear what you like, what makes you feel creative and like a badass. Here’s a red flag: If it costs too much money or takes too much time—out! The end! It’s over! Unless it’s a special occasion, like getting married. But even then—here’s a tip—maybe don’t do that wedding thing. That’s a tip. Don’t do that big wedding thing where you spend all your money on a wedding and invite seven hundred people. A) You’ll be in a mental institution by the wedding day. B) You won’t have any money. A wedding is a marker. Celebrate, make it a beautiful occasion you will always remember. But there’s a way to do that that doesn’t cost every cent that you and/or your parents have ever earned and that doesn’t create a lot of stress. There’s still a way to have an incredible ceremony that’s beautiful and memorable. My favorite weddings I’ve ever been to were, like, in someone’s living room. That whole wedding thing . . . it’s become an industry, sucking you in just like the red carpet, the way it’s sucked celebrities in so that designers can promote their clothes. It’s not cute. Find the cute way. Always take the cute road.

  The Best Part

  In terms of your sexuality when you’re single, if it’s a consensual situation, and you really like the person and don’t think the person is going to turn out to be a major sociopath, then I would have sex with them, if that’s what the vibe is. If that’s the flow. Why not? It’s great. Sex is great. If you’re a sex addict, and you’re crazy, then that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m not talking about people who need to have sex eight times a day. Except for me and Nick. But if you meet somebody and you like each other, male or female, doesn’t matter as long as it’s consensual and it’s something you really want to do. There’s no reason to feel bad, or feel guilty, or think, “Am I having sex with too many people? Not enough people?” And if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it. If you only want to have sex with one person for life, or no people, or three people, then do that. That’s good, too, if that’s what you like. I personally feel like having at least a few experiences is fun, because when you’re older, you can look back and go, “Oh, that was fun. I’m glad I did that. That was really interesting.” Or, occasionally, “That guy was a douchebag, but no big woo because now it’s hilarious.” And then someday you can write a book about it and scare the bejeezus out of them.

  My Stuff!

  You don’t need any of that shit. Get a phone and call it a day. Tha
t’s all you need. You need a smartphone. You don’t need anything else. You need a bed. That’s a good piece of advice—spend your money on a really, really amazing mattress. That could be my most brilliant piece of advice. An amazing mattress, nice sheets, a nice duvet, and nice pillows. Set for life. There you go, done. Because then you can just lie in your great bed and have sex with all those cute people you like, and read when they’re not around. And Marco Polo your friends and make movies from your smartphone.

  * * *

  —

  I think that covers it. Nothing has been left out. xx

  Nick: The new topic is . . .

  Megan: The new topic is . . . (Whispers) sex.

  Nick and I haven’t actually had sex yet. Not full penetration.

  N: Short topic.

  M: He’s working his way up to it. And if all goes well, we hope to get there by . . . What did we project? 2021?

  N: Sure. Or sooner.

  M: (Laughs) So, we’ve had sex. With each other. Because we’re a married couple. It’s our legal right. (Pause)You’re being awfully quiet. For someone who demands I have sex with him seven times a day, you’re being suspiciously silent.

  N: I’m wondering if . . .

  M: You’d rather have sex right now than do this? This is why we can’t ever get anything done.

  N: Pause. Intermission.

  M: OK, we’re back. That was great. Thanks, honey.

  N: I don’t know that I want to do a chapter about sex.

  M: He’s so shy about it.

  N: I feel like it’s private.