The Greatest Love Story Ever Told

by Nick Offerman

  M: We spend a lot of time talking about our dog Clover because she’s a magical creature. It’s like having a fairy that’s lying curled up in the bed with you.

  N: For over five years she has astonished us daily with her personality.

  M: He came up earlier and said, “Can you make Clover stop making me laugh so much?” I said, “I don’t know. I don’t think that’s possible.”

  N: You already had Willa when we met so it was kind of in place, but I feel like the presence of dogs in our lives has allowed us to not feel like two lonely old clowns living in the hills.

  M: Yeah. I never think of them as, like, children substitutes or something, but I do think it’s really nice to have these little beings that grace us with their presence.

  N: Willa, our first dog, was amazing. She seemed like she had some sort of holy powers, or like she was channeling a being of great wisdom. I always said she really ran the house, and we got Elmo a couple of years later as a companion to Willa. He was kind of a good-time Charlie, just always happy to be the lieutenant and down with whatever the rest of us were up to. But I feel like Clover has now taken the best of those qualities and become an even greater household leader.

  M: Yes, we’ve had all great dogs. Clover is a little dog who loves everybody and doesn’t bark and she loves to play. She’s a really easy dog to travel with and she’s so fun to be around. She brings us a lot of joy. All of our dogs have brought us so much joy.

  N: Clover is also talented and game to get onstage. We incorporated her into our touring comedy show.

  M: Yeah, she’s completely unflappable. Bring her out onstage in a theater with two thousand people and she’s just unfazed. She’ll go right down to the lip of the stage with her tail wagging and try to meet people in the front row. She’s unbothered by applause or laughter or anything like that. She likes treats, though.

  N: She does like a treat.

  M: But I think we’ve taught our dogs, been consistent in training them, for whatever that’s worth, so we’ve had good luck with them not having annoying habits like begging for food. Or humping people. Or . . .

  N: Or barking. That’s what people comment on the most: “Your dog is so cool.”

  M: Plot twist! So we were not discussing getting another dog, and I was not thinking about it. Then last Tuesday, I was driving down the street, and I saw a sign that said “Dog Adoptions.” I thought, “I’d better go in there.” And now we have Buddy.

  N: (As Megan) “That was nice of them to put out a sign for me. How’d they know I was going to be driving this way?”

  M: We got the cutest, sweetest little dog in the world. He’s like a male version of Clover. Why is it so great to bring a new little dog home? It’s maybe like those people I’ve heard about who have these things called “children” that bring you love and joy. It might be akin to that, in a certain way.

  N: I don’t understand why people don’t train their kids to poop in the yard, though. Everyone gripes about the diapers. And I think, “We don’t need no diapers.”

  But this is a good example of how we deal: I was in a meeting at my shop on the east side of LA. And Megan starts texting me pictures of a strange, cute dog. And I just thought, “Oh, shit.” After the third picture, I texted back, “What’s going on?” and she texted, “Do you think you could come over to this dog adoption place? They close at seven.” And I said, “I don’t think I can—this meeting goes until 6:30.”

  M: And he was leaving town the next morning. At, like, six in the morning.

  N: And I think to myself, “What the fuck are you doing?” I’m leaving at six in the morning for a bunch of work away from home, and you know, there was a level of annoyance to it. I have to go home and pack, it’s the end of my day . . .

  M: I knew he was going to come, though.

  N: There were a couple of babies at the meeting. A couple of the shop bosses are ladies with new babies.

  And the babies were griping. So the meeting ended at six, a little early. So I texted Megan and said that I could make it over there.

  M: I knew he was going to come.

  N: So I did. And we met Buddy, and he’s fantastic.

  M: He’s our buddy!

  N: I was just glad that I didn’t do a grumpy Fred Flintstone and say, “Fucking go home! What are you doing at a dog adoption place!” But instead . . .

  M: Part of that might also be predicated on the fact that as irritating as it might have been in the moment, and also out of the blue because we weren’t talking about getting a dog, I think it could be said that you’re aware that I’m an excellent dog-picker-outer.

  N: That is without question. But it had more to do with taking a deep breath and being Zen about it. It wasn’t, “This is going to be a good dog.” It was, “If your gut took you into that place . . .”

  M: Well, I was on my way somewhere else. I wasn’t planning to look for a dog. And I saw this building that said “Dog Adoptions.” And I thought, “I have to go in there.” I didn’t even go to the other place, I went to “Dog Adoptions.” They didn’t really even have that many dogs, and I thought, “I’m not going to find a dog where there’s, like, five dogs.” And then there’s this perfect dog.

  N: For me, the lesson is—and the older I get, the more I learn this lesson—I literally think, “If I say no right now, it will create negativity. It will create badness.”

  M: You could have said no, but then you wouldn’t have met Buddy.

  N: Right. But if I say yes, the worst thing that happens is that I spend an extra thirty minutes looking at dogs in West Hollywood. But if you say yes, you keep yourself open to a chance that a great new B/buddy will come into your life.

  M: So he got there, and our assistant had brought Clover over to make sure she would approve of this new dog, because ultimately she has the final say. (Laughs) And they seemed to hit it off as well as dogs will upon first meeting. And about five minutes in, I said to Nick, “What do you think?” And he said, “I love him.” And I said, “I knew you would!” He’s our buddy.

  I do think that having our dogs—we’re saps in that regard—is a big part of our life. And dogs are funky fresh.

  N: More to the point, it’s occurring to me that what we do for a living is keep it fresh. We’re so lucky that we can—we love to read, consume, and perform in so many different ways. And so we’re able to look at the different outlets in our lives on every given day and say, “Today I’m just going to read this great book.” Then we might say, “I’m going to call up my agent and option this book.” Or I’ll call my agent and see who’s doing a play I just read. The fact that we’re able to find things we’re passionate about and to create works of art that can bring people some laughter or good feelings is a very lucky vocation.

  M: But on the other side of it, for us, keeping it fresh is sort of the opposite of what other people might think. Other people might think, “I’m going to keep it fresh by wearing a trench coat with nothing underneath, and then I’m going to drop it to the floor when he walks in the front door!” We don’t do that kind of stuff. Our version of keeping it fresh would be boring, because we like to watch movies and television, we like to listen to books while we do puzzles, or we read actual physical books and then trade, or we play with the dogs—it’s not a whirlwind of excitement at our house. But that’s when we’re happiest, and that’s when we’re at our best. When we have time to do those introverty things that we like to do. When we can be introverts together.

  N: Because of our voracious professional lives, the novel choice is to not work. What if we don’t look at emails? What if we don’t attend to our seventeen responsibilities? What if we do a fucking puzzle? That shit is fresh.

  M: That’s it. You said it, brother. This book is sponsored by the International Puzzles Society. (Ad)

  N: Is that it?

  M: That’s the end of the
book.

  N: The end. Bye.

  M: Best book ever!

  N: Naa-na-na-na-naa. Fart!

  M: Classic.

  The authors would like to thank each other for their immeasurable support and tough love throughout this process. They would also like to thank their redoubtable editor, Jill Something; their winsome agents, Monika Verma and Daniel Greenberg; and their trusty assistants, Michael Landry and Emily Bernstein. Finally, of course none of this could have been pulled off, literally or figuratively, without the stalwart crew at Dutton: Christine Ball, John Parsley, Carrie Swetonic, Elina Vaysbeyn, Amanda Walker, Jamie Knapp, Emily Canders, Marya Pasciuto, LeeAnn Pemberton, Cassandra Garruzzo, and Dora Mak.

  Book Design: Megan Mullally

  Photography: Emily Shur

  Illustrations: Meryl Rowin

  Layouts: Cassandra Garruzzo

  Stylist: Shirley Kurata

  Hair: John Ruggiero

  Makeup: Sandy Ganzer

  Set Design: Kendall and Meagan Faeth

  Puzzle Photos: Marcus Stuckey and Michael Landry

  Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally are actors, performers, and comedians. Together they have appeared in the television shows Will & Grace, Parks & Recreation, and Childrens Hospital; the movies Somebody Up There Likes Me, The Kings of Summer, Infinity Baby, and Smashed; and the comedy tour Summer of 69: No Apostrophe. They live in Los Angeles, California, with their poodles.

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