by Anne Ashby
Drawing slightly away, she looked into his lightening eyes. Afraid her voice wouldn’t work right now she caressed the sides of his face with her fingers. “You d-dork.” She croaked, the sound accompanying the words a mixture of laughter and tears.
Dragged into his arms, Zoe buried her face in the cord muscles of his neck dislodging the stiff collar of his shirt in the process. Feeling the uneven surface of his scars, Zoe allowed her lips to roam over the rough skin. Tears filled her eyes at his shudder and crushing hold on her.
“I love you, too, Connor.” She leaned back in his arms, swiping her fingers across her wet face as she grinned mistily up at him.
“Wow,” she breathed as their gazes locked. “I can actually say that aloud now, can’t I?” She whirled out of his arms and did a little pirouette across the lawn. “I love Connor Matthews.” She sang the words out before swinging around toward the house.
“Gran,” she called softly. “I’m in love with your grandson.” She laughed when a hand rearranged the lace curtains of her grandmother’s room, knowing Bess had heard through the open windows.
“Do you think she had this planned all along?” She laughed as she danced back to Connor. The joy filling her bought more laughter.
“No way. She told me I wasn’t good enough for you,” Connor growled. He reached for her. “Just come back here and tell me again. I need to hear it for myself.”
Zoe stilled, searching Connor’s face. He wore a dazed, wondrous expression and Zoe kicked herself for her frivolity. Her brave and confident Connor appeared unconvinced of her commitment.
She grinned as she edged nearer, until their bodies were touching. Taking a deep breath, she savored the smell of his woodsy aftershave and the minty flavor on his breath.
With her arms at her sides she wriggled herself against him, thrilled at the instant response against her stomach. “I love you, Connor Matthews.”
She breathed into the mouth so close to her own. “I love you so much it hurts, right here…” Whether she was touching her breast or indicating her heart she wasn’t sure, both ached for his touch.
She pulled her head back when he would have fused their lips together. “No, wait, I have to say this.”
She touched his face with shaking fingers. “I’m so happy. Hearing you say you l-love me.” Her voice cracked and she had to pause to take some deep breaths.
Her fingers rested on his lips to still whatever words he might say. “You’ve made me very happy, Connor, but I want you to know I’m not a clingy person, I don’t expect anything—”
Her fingers were taken from his face in a firm grip and he demanded, “Are you telling me you don’t want to marry me?”
She swallowed with great difficulty, her mouth drier than a desert storm, gaping like a fish deprived of water. “Marry?” she whispered, while searching his dark eyes. “You want me to m-marry you?”
He frowned and stiffened. She reached out quickly, clasping hold of his shirt, feeling him somehow distancing himself from her.
“You hadn’t mentioned marriage, Connor,” she murmured. She blinked at his changing attitude.
“What did you think I was talking about?” he muttered. “I told you I’d show you the world.” His voice softened. “I want to make your dreams come true.”
Zoe’s fingers slipped from their hold as he took a step backward.
“But of course, I understand.”
“Understand what?” Zoe grabbed his arm as he turned away. “What’s going on here?” she demanded. “Do you want us to get married or what?”
“Of course I want us to get married.”
Zoe didn’t feel any better hearing his declaration. There was something wrong.
“What’s going on, Connor? I don’t understand why…”
“Forget it.” He shrugged off her hand.
“Don’t you dare walk away from this, Connor.”
She planted herself in his path. “You say you love me, you want us to get married, then”—she spread her hand wide—“you don’t even give me a chance to say yes before you go all weird on me.” Fists clenched on her hips, she glared at him.
“Yes?” He stumbled over the word. “You’d say yes?” While his eyes momentarily blazed with excitement, they quickly dimmed.
“Of course I’m saying yes, you dipstick.” Zoe smiled through blinding tears.
“I’m in love with you.” She shook her head. “Why on earth wouldn’t I want to marry you? What would be more wonderful than spending the rest of my life with you?” She frowned. “What more could I ever want?”
“Children.”
“Children?”
“I’ve told you before, Zoe. I’ve had a vasectomy. I never expected I’d marry, I definitely don’t intend to have children.”
Zoe frowned as a sharp stab of pain pierced her stomach.
He didn’t want children.
On suddenly wobbly legs Zoe slid down on the grass, thankful, after a moment’s hesitation, he’d sat down beside her. “But, why?”
“I imagine you’ve thought about having a family of your own one day.”
Zoe clutched her hands together as he set about chopping her dreams to shreds.
He wouldn’t look at her; his gaze was fixed on the kowhai tree in the corner of the garden. “I could never ask you to give that all up. I know how deprived of family you’ve been, how much family means to you. Having your own children one day must be important to you.”
“Why did you have a vasectomy?” Zoe asked, trying to understand, trying to forgive him. “Was it seeing so many starving children…” Her voice trailed off as he shook his head, his expression hardening.
“I refuse to continue the genes I carry.”
Zoe gasped. “What?”
“You heard me.” Connor’s look was hard and intractable.
“But—”
“It’s not a subject open for discussion, Zoe.”
“But—” She knew she was repeating herself but couldn’t find words to change the situation she was faced with. The coldness in her stomach was spreading, invading her limbs, her heart.
Closing her eyes, she visualized the baby she’d dreamed of holding in her arms, the children…
“But you’re a pediatrician. You must like kids to have become a pediatrician.” She desperately grabbed at the little she knew of his work. “I saw you with that little boy. You were so gentle, so caring.” Her voice broke. “You’d be a terrific dad. I know you would.”
“I’m not willing to take that risk, Zoe.”
His gentle voice and compassionate look did little to console her. “So you wouldn’t consider getting a reversal?” The words were dragged out of her with as much pain as teeth being extracted without anesthetic.
Zoe didn’t need to hear an answer or see his shaking head. She already knew marrying him would mean limiting herself. There’d be no children to run around after, no grandchildren. No one else but him.
Tightening her arms around herself as she stemmed the seeping cold, Zoe chewed at her lips. Not able to break the silence echoing around the garden, they sat there on the lawn. Two sorry souls, each drowning in their own despair.
Listlessly Zoe looked across at Connor, her lips trembling.
His head was burrowed into his hunched-up chest and knotted muscles ran across his jawbone.
She wanted to cover the whitened knuckles as they lay on the green grass but decided not to. He wouldn’t welcome physical contact right now, and she wasn’t sure if she was able to give him comfort. First she had to figure out how she felt.
Clearing her throat, she spoke to the far reaches of the garden. “Can I give you an answer tomorrow, Connor?” A sharp jerk from the body beside her was the only reaction. “I need some time to think.”
As she stood, so did a shocked Connor. “You’d still consider marrying me?”
Unexpected and consuming anger filled her. “How shallow do you think I am, Connor?” she snapped. “I suppose I was stupid en
ough to fall in love with you, so I guess you could say I’m a real idiot.” She glared across at him. “But if you think I can suddenly change how I feel about you, you’re a real prat.” She choked on the words.
“No matter what you tell me I can’t switch off my feelings, the longing I have to be with you, to have you touch…”
As quickly as the anger surfaced, it disappeared. Tears clogged her throat and she stuffed her fist into her mouth to stop the sobs.
She turned and ran. Ran across the garden, through the gate and down the track onto the beach. She didn’t stop running until she was at the far end of Cheltenham Beach, and even then she jumped up onto the footpath and continued away from the house, away from Devonport, not looking behind, not even noticing the burning heat of the asphalt on her bare feet.
****
Connor didn’t need Bess’s concerned look to add to his already loathsome feelings. His words had hurt Zoe, but as he paced around the house like a demented polar bear, he wasn’t sure what had happened after that.
I had to raise my vasectomy. He thumped the door jamb of his room as he paced. Her mentioning a condom last week suggested she hadn’t remembered, or hadn’t taken notice when I first told her. He stalked out to the garden. Her reaction sure proved me right.
He paced the length of the garden, barely noticing the proliferation of flowers along the pathways or the abundance of lettuces they’d planted together. He didn’t see much but the shock and horror on her face when his words sank in.
He’d had to be honest with her before she made a commitment. He had to make sure she understood he couldn’t give her children. He couldn’t allow her to commit to marrying him without discussing such a monumental obstacle. Her reaction to his surprise she might still be considering their union baffled him.
I don’t think she’s shallow. There were so many depths to her personality, he hadn’t even scratched the surface yet. Why did she interpret my response that way?
He loved her so much. A thump at the wall of the aluminum garden shed as he stalked past reverberated a tinny thunder-like noise that drew his grandmother to the back door. The worry written across her face increased the bile in his throat. Telling himself he’d behaved in the only way possible didn’t make the taste any less foul.
It had been over four hours. It was nearly dark. He closed his eyes, visualizing the skimpy clothing Zoe’d had on, not suitable now the sun had gone.
An hour after her mad dash off the property, he’d tried her cellphone, only to hear ringing from inside her bedroom. He’d been waiting ever since, waiting for some word she was okay at least, or for her to come home.
“I’m going to look for her.” He stalked inside for his keys with Bess dogging his footsteps. He absently patted her shoulder, “I’m sure she’s fine, Gran, but hanging around here is driving me crazy.” Slamming his car door, he wound down the window. “Call me if you hear from her, won’t you?” He tore out of the driveway.
He had no idea where to look, didn’t know if she had any favorite place she might head for if she needed to think. Hell, driving around the streets of Devonport, examining the beaches and parks, Connor accepted he knew nothing about how Zoe spent her time.
He knew none of her friends, nor the address where she worked. He didn’t even know what degree she was studying for at university. His previous lack of interest of what made up the whole Zoe tore at his insides.
He groaned. He’d never asked. He’d allowed himself to get tied up with jealousy about John and Rangi, not to mention his determination he needed to save Bess from her conniving clutches.
Connor swore as he slowed to a stop along the Memorial Drive part of Lake Road. He’d been all the way to Takapuna and back. Nothing; no sign of her. Pain shot up to his elbow as he thumped the dashboard with the ball of his palm. She had no purse, or warmer clothes, nothing. He swore again. The more he drove around, the more frustrated and worried he was getting.
Scrubbing his hand around the back of his neck, he slammed the car back into drive. He had to believe she was okay. Any other option was unthinkable. She’d have gone to some friend.
His teeth clenched painfully as the vision of dirty black dreads and tattoos flashed into his mind. The possibility she’d gone running to that lowlife caused his stomach to tighten with anger.
Signaling his intention to enter back into traffic, Connor slammed on his brakes when his cellphone chirped. He ignored the horn tooting behind him and the angry two finger salute he was given as a car roared past.
“Hello,” he snapped.
“I’ll be home soon.”
“Zoe? Where are you? Are you all right?” So relieved to hear her voice, Connor’s control slipped. “What the hell’s the matter with you, Zoe? It’s been hours, it’s dark. You must be cold—”
“I’m sorry I worried you, Connor. I’m coming home now.”
“Tell me where you are and I’ll come and pick you up.”
Tightening the hold on his phone at some indistinguishable talking—clearly a man’s voice—Connor had no time to reply to her quiet, “Rangi’s driving me,” before the connection was broken.
He stared down at the phone for a moment before tossing it onto the seat beside him. He jammed the car into gear and, doing an illegal u-turn, sped toward home.
He wanted to be there when Zoe arrived. It was high time he met this Rangi and let him know Zoe’s welfare was no longer any of his concern. From now on he, Connor, was going to be Zoe’s champion.
He hoped.
Chapter Thirteen
Zoe knew Connor would have expected some beaten-up rust-bucket rather than the late model car to pull into Bess’s driveway.
If she’d been even a little less tense, she would have chuckled at his open-mouthed expression as his angry stride faltered when the security lights revealed Ariki strapped into his car seat in the back.
Rangi jumping out of the car, and approaching Connor with his hand extended, gave Zoe an extra moment to find the nerve to move.
She exited the car, but stood glued to the other side away from Connor.
“I guess it’s about time we met properly.” The hand stayed extended, although Connor made no attempt to take it. “I’m Rangi Johansen. I’m real pleased to meet you, Connor. Zoe’s told me a lot about you.”
“You have the advantage then.” Connor’s voice was stiff as he stared back at the clean-shaven, short-haired man.
Zoe swallowed; guessing Rangi’s changed appearance must be confusing.
“She’s told me absolutely nothing about you.”
Typical, Rangi burst out laughing and threw a “that’s my girl,” comment at Zoe before giving Connor a friendly thump on the shoulder. “Don’t worry; she’s planning to fill you in with all the gory details of our life together.”
Connor’s shoulders dropped as his gaze flew to the sleeping child.
Zoe’s teeth jammed onto her bottom lip. He can’t be thinking Ariki is mine?
“Sorry I can’t join you.” Rangi lifted a casual hand in farewell. “It’s the wife’s night out with the girls. If she discovers we’ve gone joyriding when Ari should be in bed, she’ll skin me alive.” He glanced at his watch as he threw open the car door. “I should be sweet as, if I take off now, I’m sure to beat her home.”
Zoe caught the flash from his teeth and imagined he probably winked across the car at her before disappearing inside and reversing out of the driveway.
Now the car had gone, Zoe stood awkwardly in the middle of the driveway.
Rangi had helped straighten out her thinking, as he’d often done in the past. She’d been relieved when his wife slipped out for the evening. Although she and Marema got on famously, it had been Rangi’s no-nonsense straight talking Zoe had needed to clear her mind and see her way forward.
Connor stood shaking his head at the speed of Zoe’s delivery back home.
Her lips twitched. If he gets to know my best friend, he won’t be surprised again. “Rangi can
be a bit hyper,” Zoe mumbled almost incoherently. She stepped toward him, her whole body trembling.
“I’m sorry I took off like that, Connor. I didn’t mean to worry you. Gran said you’ve been frantic. I’m so sorry; I guess I’m not used to having anyone worry about me.” Zoe was babbling but she couldn’t stop.
Connor’s face was so stern and set, and he was staring down at her without any expression at all.
“C-Connor…” She dared to reach out a hand, but was too afraid to actually touch him. “I needed some time, some space. I was angry. I’m not good at…I get churned up…I…” Zoe’s throat clogged up, she couldn’t get any more words past the lump threatening to choke her.
He looks so angry. Has he changed his mind? Has he decided he doesn’t want to be bothered with someone so scatterbrained she’d run off like that?
“Come here.”
The tears she’d been trying so desperately to control spilled over as his soft words were accompanied by a step forward and the extending of his arms. For a moment she couldn’t move, but strength disappeared from her legs and she sank into his arms, clinging to him.
“I love you.” He kissed the tears from her cheeks, but they only fell faster.
Burying her face against him she sucked in deep shuddering breaths, trying to gain some control over her shattered emotions.
“I’m sorry.” She drew away from him, immediately missing the warmth of his body in the cool night air. “Your shirt’s all wet.”
He glanced down and shrugged, a faint smile twisting his lips.
Still in the circle of his arms, Zoe scrubbed her hands across her wet cheeks and threaded her fingers through her hair. “Hell…” She cringed. “What a mess.”
“Hey.” His teeth flashed as he gave her a little shake. “No one says my girl’s a mess.” He winked. “Except me, of course. And yes, you’re right. You really are a mess. Your eyes are all red, your face is blotchy, your hair’s sticking out all over the—”