by Anne Ashby
A less than gentle shove against his chest halted his teasing words. “I wasn’t talking about how I look.”
“Oh.”
Zoe looked at him closely, thankful he was trying to lighten the mood. She shivered as she remembered how scared she’d been coming home.
Rangi had told her, in no uncertain terms, to quit mucking around and talk to the guy. He was right, but she didn’t know where to start.
“We need to talk, Connor. Really talk.” Her fists clenched at the waver in her voice. Some sixth sense made her look into his eyes. Although it was too dark to see much, she could feel his confusion, his pain. Her fingers gently caressed his cheek. “I love you so much.”
Feeling, rather than seeing, his body sag with relief, she saw his tentative smile growing into a wide grin, crinkling the corners of his eyes.
Zoe smiled in response.
“Then we can overcome anything.” He steered her into the house.
“I’ve put coffee on for you.” Bess gave Zoe a quick hug as she entered the kitchen. Then, with a peck on the cheek, she wished them goodnight and disappeared into her bedroom.
“I didn’t know she could be so accommodating.” Connor’s eyebrows rose as he chuckled.
To Zoe, the sound was hollow. Plucking at the side seam of her shorts, she sensed his rigid control and was heartened by his attempt to put her at her ease.
“I’ll get us some coffee and meet you in the lounge. Why don’t you grab a jersey or something. You look frozen.”
It wasn’t only a jersey Zoe needed, but a chance to look in a mirror, too. Her hand rose to her straggly hair as she dashed straight into the bathroom. Gasping at the image in front of her, she splashed her face with cold water, hoping to decrease the puffiness of her eyes.
Tearing into her room while trying to pinch some color into her pallid cheeks, she grabbed her hair brush to arrange her tufts of hair into some sort of order. Hunting for her makeup kit, she paused before leaving it where it lay. She needed much more than a slapped-on layer of cosmetics to disguise the turmoil churning inside her and reflected on her face.
Finally, standing beside her bed, she clasped her arms around her stomach, telling herself the shooting pains were psychosomatic. A few hasty deep breaths convinced her she was lying to herself. But ignoring the discomfort, she stiffened her back and made herself leave the sanctuary of her room.
Dragging in deep, shaky breaths to quiet the erratic pounding in her ears, she paused at the doorway into the lounge.
Connor’s gaze had been on the room’s entrance, and while he didn’t smile, his face did light up when she appeared. This warmed the cold, hurt feeling deep inside her.
She warily sank down onto the sofa beside him, absently noticing the coffee waiting on the table. He seemed relaxed as he leaned back, his legs crossed at the ankle, sipping his drink.
Calmness eluded her. She had her hands clenched together on her lap. She doubted she could safely hold the cup without spilling scalding coffee all over herself.
Zoe searched for a place to begin, still unsure exactly what she should be telling him, but knowing she was ready to bare her soul to this man. She drew her unclad feet up onto the sofa and hugged her knees, searching…
Finally she swallowed, with difficulty, and found her voice. “I was eight when my mum died.” She blurted, “I don’t really remember her not being sick.” She chewed her lip, frowning deeply, trying to picture her mother happy and laughing. It didn’t work.
“She was sick for a long time. There was no one else, just me and Mum. I know there were other people helping, but I don’t remember them much. Mum had a friend, Mary, who was often around. She organized things, the funeral and everything.
Zoe looked into space. “I think Mary must have had power of attorney, ’cause she sold Mum’s house afterwards. I doubt she got more than enough to cover the funeral costs. I’m sure Mum would have had a mortgage. I went back there when I got older, the house had gone, a block of flats had been built where it used to be.”
She swallowed hard and blinked furiously as she remembered her disappointment on discovering the only link to her mother had gone. “Anyway, I was supposed to stay with Mary. Mum had it all arranged. She was okay, I liked her well enough. She wasn’t my mum, but at least she knew who I was, and I could talk to her about Mum.”
She tightened the hold on her knees. “Her husband was a banker, he was offered a job in London within a few months of Mum’s death. They decided they couldn’t take an extra kid with them so they dumped me with Social Welfare. I never saw or heard from them again.”
Zoe’s gaze flew to Connor as he gave an angry hiss. Her heart lightened a little to know he sympathized with her plight. “Last June a box was couriered to my address. How Mary found out where I lived, I have no idea. Nor why she couldn’t have brought it around herself.”
Zoe’s voice broke as she remembered receiving the story of her past. “Mum had put heaps of stuff together for me, including letters and that photo of my dad. I never knew who he was until then.”
She sighed. “I was already engrossed with the idea of tracing my ancestry, and suddenly I had a name which led to a whole new family.” She turned her head and looked at Connor. “You can never imagine what finding Gran meant. I know I must have loved my mother, but she’s just a wispy dream I couldn’t ever grab hold of.”
Her eyes left Connor. She couldn’t look at him while she told him her deepest secret, the worst fear she’d carried with her for years. “I always figured there must be something wrong with me. No one wanted me around. I tried really hard when they’d put me into a home.”
She glanced at him, but quickly looked away. His understanding would evoke even more tears. She had to get all this out, at once. If she stopped she might never be able to start again.
“I’d try to be good, and quiet, and do everything they told me to, but sooner or later my case worker would come and take me away. Another family had decided they didn’t want me. It happened so many times, I lost count.”
Regaining control of her broken voice was hard, but Zoe did by remembering how she’d controlled herself before. Although the way Connor took her hand and held it safely in his helped, too.
“I learned to be strong, not to depend on anyone, or let them see how much it hurt.”
He never attempted to break the silence she needed to force away the harshness.
Taking a shuddering breath, Zoe continued. “The only good thing was, in between foster homes, I got to be with Rangi.” She turned her head from its resting place on her knees and smiled at Connor. “At least he knew why none of his foster homes worked for him—he was just so naughty.”
She chuckled. “He was a rebel, a toughie, but we clicked. We understood each other. We’re the closest thing to family either of us had.”
Connor acknowledged these disclosures with a quirk of his left eyebrow.
“We guarded that fiercely, looked out for each other.”
She leaned back in the seat, her eyes now on the quiet man by her side. “I couldn’t tell you about Rangi before, Connor. He’s a policeman.”
She smiled as Connor’s eyebrows almost disappeared under his hairline. I knew I’d get a reaction to that piece of information.
“He’s been working undercover for almost two years. They didn’t expect his assignment to last this long, but he dug up some really serious stuff and had to stay.”
A shaky intake of breath conveyed the depth of her concern. “Marema and I have been going crazy, worrying someone might find out who he really was. I used to meet him each week, somewhere out in the open and busy. If anyone saw us and questioned him, he’d be able to explain me away. If they’d checked, they could find out we grew up together. I wouldn’t be seen as a threat, or a go-between or anything.”
She sighed. “Poor Marema didn’t have it so easy. She’s a cop, too, and the daughter of a high-ranking cop, as well. If any of the gang had figured out Rangi was married
to her, he’d have been dead for sure.”
She gave a beseeching look. “I’m sorry I didn’t explain earlier. I couldn’t risk anyone knowing anything about him.”
Connor shifted the hold on her hand, entwining his fingers with hers. The glowing warmth of his smile lifted her spirits until her heart felt like it was singing.
Somehow they were closer, his hand urging her until she tumbled down across his knees. His arms tightened around her as his lips sought and found hers.
Almost losing herself in the joy of their love, Zoe sought to separate them. “Connor,” she murmured against his lips. “There’s one more thing.”
Smiling, he nibbled as he pressed light little kisses onto her mouth. Those tantalizing kisses were fast causing the earlier pain in her stomach to become a very different discomfort.
“Can’t it wait?”
She shook her head, while she was sure her eyes were letting him know she’d much rather be doing something other than talking.
“Oh, all right.”
His begrudging response drew a smile as she snuggled her head onto his shoulder. This would be easier if he couldn’t see her face. “You were right, you know…about children.”
His body stiffened, his arms tightening unconsciously.
She kept her face hidden against him. “All my life I’ve dreamed of having my own family. Well, almost all my life…since I was eight or nine, anyway.”
She swallowed as she reluctantly said goodbye to that dream. “If I had a child and I loved it to bits, it would love me back. It wouldn’t look for reasons to push me away.”
With determined effort she shuffled and looked into a face glazed with despair. “I know. It sounds stupid now, but that’s how I felt. I believed that was the only way I would ever have someone that loved me. I wanted to have someone to love, who’d love me back unreservedly.”
Connor’s mouth opened, but she laid gentle fingers across his lips before he could speak.
“I never dreamed I could find that any other way. But I see now that I have.” She kissed him.
His disbelieving voice was hoarse. “You can give up the idea of having children?”
“As long as I have you.” She beamed. “Rangi helped me realize all my thinking about having children has been wrapped up with my own feelings of inadequacy.”
“Inadequate? You?” Connor’s voice was still choked, even though he tried to laugh. “Oh, Zoe.” He clasped her against him for a long moment before holding her away and looking deeply into her eyes.
“I promise our lives will be so filled with love and happiness you will never think that way again.”
Their lips met in a benediction of that pledge.
Epilogue
Zoe dashed into their cottage in Parnell, sighing with relief Connor’s car wasn’t in the carport. She needed time to wrap the present she’d got for their anniversary and he’d be home soon. Grabbing scissors and tape she took wrapping paper and the large book out of a bag, keeping a wary eye on the front window.
She couldn’t believe a year had already gone by since their wedding. The time had been filled with so many wonderful memories already stored away in a heart overflowing with happiness.
Zoe smiled as she remembered their wedding day so vividly. Rangi complaining about having to wear a suit to give her away; Gran so smug, as if their union had all been her doing; their family around them, so happy. And Connor.
Her lips twitched as she remembered how Connor had looked as she entered the church. He’d looked so calm and self-contained, waiting with Warren for her to join him. Her smile widened as she remembered the impatience in his eyes as she got closer.
He’d hated all the pomp and ceremony, although he’d made a pretty good show of relaxing by the time the reception began.
They’d honeymooned in Vanuatu—the most incredible ten days Zoe could have imagined. During the winter university semester break, they’d filled the days and nights with so much, the time had seemed much longer.
Sinking onto a chair with a sigh of relief, the limited-edition collector’s book about the All Blacks—she’d discovered Connor had a passion for the history of rugby—was now wrapped up. Zoe opened the card and reached for a pen. Chewing on the end she re-read the message inside. She’d spent ages choosing it, picking one with a beautiful verse inside, but now she had to add to it.
Looking around gave her no inspiration but she looked anyway. Theirs was a beautiful home, an old kauri cottage, sparkling as sun streamed through the window and bounced off the light-colored wood.
Although originally small, a previous owner had ripped off the whole back wall and put in a modern kitchen and bathroom. So it was everything Connor and she needed, and wanted. In the summer Connor walked to work, and spent his on-call hours at home.
Staying only one year at the medical school before taking up a position at the children’s hospital, Connor had changed so much. Struggling from under the cloud of his abusive past, the experiences had been given some meaning, and he involved himself with children’s abuse cases. Many of his off-duty hours were spent working with child welfare agencies and at-risk parents where he hoped he was encouraging some change.
He accepted abuse would not stop, but by helping to identify its causes and effects, he was making a difference. Zoe was so proud of him.
Her working life had changed, too. Now a paid-up partner in George’s workshop—an incredible wedding present Connor and her family had presented to her—even though she’d still had a semester before completing her degree, she now found herself more involved in the business of running the workshop than actually working on the floor.
Sometimes she missed being at the coalface, but scheduling herself a vehicle to work on occasionally kept her hand in. Actually, she’d almost convinced George to consider expanding. They’d need to shift, or maybe buy a second workshop, but George hadn’t once mentioned retiring since Zoe became his partner. She now recognized, while he was an intuitive mechanic, he’d heartily disliked the management side of the business.
With her newly-acquired business acumen and their excellent mechanical reputation, Zoe was buzzing with expansion plans. George had promised he’d decide over the weekend and they’d sit down together on Monday and discuss possibilities. Zoe grinned as she considered the challenge.
The house had been so empty without Connor. He’d been away at a conference in Wellington for five whole days. She felt he’d been gone for months.
Zoe paused to survey the dining area. Everything looked perfect. She’d just need to light the candles.
She glanced at her watch and wandered into the kitchen. Once again she checked the slowly-simmering soup on the stove, the vegetables she’d prepared this morning ready for microwaving, and the meat needing no attention.
She giggled out loud. Eating wasn’t high on her list of priorities for when Connor arrived at the door. She looked at her watch again. He’d be home soon. Dinner could wait and not spoil. She hugged herself. They wouldn’t be eating for a while.
She closed her eyes and took some deep breaths to slow her pounding heart. This is crazy. I’m not some teenager waiting for her first date. Shifting the lace curtain to check out the window for his car only hyped up her already overactive libido.
A tingle from her cell phone had her diving across the lounge to grab it.
“I’m sitting in traffic just south of the Symonds Street exit. We’re moving a couple of meters at a time so I shouldn’t be too much longer.” Connor’s voice dropped. “You have time to slip into something hot and sexy.”
Zoe laughed. “Like my birthday suit?”
There was a delightful catch in his voice. “That’ll work for me.”
A shiver ran down her whole body. “Me too.”
She was waiting when Connor opened the door. Not quite in her birthday suit, but close to it.
“Welcome home.” She danced up to him and smacked a lingering kiss on his lips.
His hands slith
ered under her robe as he gathered her close. She breathed in the scent of his aftershave, loving the woodsy aroma she’d always associate with him.
His five o’clock shadow tickled across her cheek and down her neck. “Hmm, I’ve missed you.” His hold became more intimate and his arms tightened. He leaned into her, a wolfish grin on his face as he nibbled at her lips. “Not quite game enough for the birthday suit, I see.”
Zoe giggled. “You never know who might come knocking at the door these days—the milkman, the paper boy. I could have given them a heart attack.”
“Instead you’re playing havoc with my blood pressure.” His voice sounded stern, but the twinkle in his eyes caused another bubble of laughter to escape.
“I surely hope so.” She rubbed her hips against his. “Come with me. Let’s see if I can alleviate that problem.”
“Is that right?” He ground into her even harder, giving her no doubt how open he was to any suggestion. “And what’s this offer entail?”
Lips burning a pathway across her cheek and down the side of her neck caused a shudder through her body.
“Oh, I’m sure I’ll think of something suitable.” Unable to touch him where she wanted—he was pressed so tightly against her she couldn’t maneuver her hand between them—she dug her fingers into his buttocks. “Take me to bed and we’ll see what I can come up with.”
“There’s plenty of time.” He nuzzled his rough face against the tender skin of her neck. “Dinner smells wonderful.”
Zoe pushed his face aside. “Connor Matthews. You’d better not be suggesting you’d rather have dinner than what else is on offer here?” She dug her fingernails into his buttocks harder this time.
“Ouch. Vicious cat.”
The hard bulge against Zoe’s stomach confirmed Connor’s need must be as great as her own.
“I thought we could have dinner, a little wine, exchange presents.” He looked around until he saw the gaily-wrapped gift on the sideboard. “I see you did buy me a pressie. I have yours here.” He tapped his jacket.
Tempted as she was to discover what he’d got as her anniversary present, Zoe’s mind was firmly focused on another temptation.