A Kingsbury Collection
Page 63
Amanda’s eyes danced with laughter. “Tell me one.”
“A knock-knock joke?” Ben made his eyes wide again. “On Wednesday?”
“Yes!” Amanda’s laughter made him smile. “Please … ”
“Well, since we just met and you’ve never been with me for a Saturday knock-knock joke hour, I guess just this one time … ” He thought a moment. “Knock-knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Boo.”
“Boo who?”
The silliness faded from Ben’s voice. “Ah, that’s okay, Amanda. Don’t cry.” He paused, hoping with all his heart that she could see he was no longer joking. “Everything’s going to be okay, Amanda Joy. I promise you.”
Her eyes clouded, and her expression grew serious. “Why do you want me, Mr. Stovall?”
She wasn’t afraid to ask the big questions, that much was certain. But then, there wasn’t enough time to make small talk, really. Not if he was going to take over as her foster parent in the next day or so. Ben sighed. How best to answer her? He didn’t want to tell her about Maggie, not yet … not when he had no idea how that news would affect her. Lord … help me.
“Kathy showed me your file and … well, I knew I was going to love you.” That was true, anyway. “I guess it felt like my wife and I have known you all our lives.”
Amanda’s eyes softened again and the hint of a smile played on her lips. “Really?”
“Yep. Kind of like there was always a missing piece before. And now it seems like … ” Ben felt his eyes grow watery and he blinked. This was no time to be emotional; Amanda would not understand the significance of the moment. “It seems like we’ve waited all our lives for you.”
The child thought about that for a moment, her small face pensive and earnest. “But you don’t even know me.”
Ben looked into her eyes and saw Maggie looking back at him. His heart swelled with love for this child he’d known only ten minutes, and a smile covered his face. “I know you, Amanda Joy. Better than you think.”
Concern flashed across her face as if she were recalling an awful memory. “I d-d-don’t clean my room very w-w-well, though. Sometimes that gets me in trouble. P-p-people send me back when that happens.”
Ben ached to climb around the booth and take her in his arms. The poor child. What had she suffered over the years? Unable to resist any longer, he reached across the table and wrapped his fingers around hers. Suddenly he knew with everything in him that he could never, ever let this child go. He wanted to promise her that nothing could make him send her back, but he still needed to talk to Maggie.
He drew a deep breath. How could he help her understand his feelings for her? “Amanda, love—the kind of love God wants us to have—doesn’t change because of a messy room. Do you believe me?”
Amanda nodded. “Kathy loves me that way.”
“Did I hear my name?” Kathy walked up, a pizza in one hand and a pitcher of root beer in the other. She grinned as she set both in the center of the table, next to three plastic cups and plates. “Didn’t either of you talkers hear the order come up?”
Ben and Amanda shared a conspiratorial glance, and then the threesome dug into the food. Amanda chattered about different pizzas and knock-knock jokes and classroom pets, while Ben and Kathy exchanged occasional smiles. When the girl was finished eating, she pointed toward the video games and gasped. “Hey, I can’t believe it. Kristen’s here! She must be on lunch break, too.” Amanda flashed a questioning look at Kathy. “Please? Can I go play with her? Just for a few minutes?”
“Well—” Kathy looked at the child’s plate—“I guess so. But hurry. You have to get back to school soon.”
When Amanda was out of earshot, Ben leaned back in the booth and shook his head. “She looks exactly like her mother.” He watched the child talking animatedly with her friend across the dining hall. “I mean, exactly. Nearly took my breath away.”
Kathy folded her hands neatly on the tabletop and studied him. “She likes you.”
“Yeah.” He met Kathy’s gaze again. “The feelings mutual. She’s … after all she’s been through, she’s something else.”
“I know.” The social worker’s eyes fell for a moment, then found Ben’s again. “Believe me.”
Ben angled his head. “She loves you very much.”
Kathy looked away and took a sip of her drink.
Something had bothered Ben since he first recognized the attachment Kathy had for Amanda and he figured it was time to ask. “How come you never … ”
“How come I didn’t adopt her a long time ago?” Kathy’s smile didn’t reach her eyes. “We have seven children living with us—five by birth, two by adoption. I’ve tried to take Amanda in as a foster child, but every time I petition for her, the court says I’m at my limit. No more children unless we get a bigger house. My husband is in construction, so money isn’t always regular. Moving is out of the question. Anytime Amanda is with us is strictly temporary according to court records until a more suitable arrangement can be made.”
The irony of Amanda’s predicament hit him hard. The only reason he and Maggie had a chance to make the girl their own was because the state was unwilling to let Kathy Garrett have her—even after Kathy had invested so much in her. “I’d like to bring Amanda home, short term, anyway. For the weekend, say. That way she wouldn’t miss any school.”
Kathy looked at him thoughtfully. “Will you tell her? About her mother, I mean?”
“I’d like to. In fact, I’d like to introduce them this weekend, if everything works out.” His voice softened. “It’s a long shot, I’m afraid.”
“I know it’s none of my business, Mr. Stovall, but what happened?”
“With Maggie?” Ben braced his arms on the bench beside him and took a deep breath. It was such a hard story, especially when he had only learned the details so recently himself. “There’s a lot to it. Basically, back before we were married, we were apart for a year or so, and she got pregnant. By the time we got back together, she’d already given Amanda up. She told me she was a virgin, and until a month ago I didn’t know anything about the baby.”
“How’d you find out?” Kathy asked.
“When Maggie checked herself into the hospital she left me a note saying we were finished, that she wanted a divorce. She … they were worried she might be suicidal.” He clenched his teeth, not sure if he was saying too much. Her eyes caught his and the compassion there encouraged him to continue. “She told me I never really knew her. Since then she’s refused my letters, phone calls. Everything.”
Kathy’s eyebrows lowered in concern. “A psychiatric hospital?”
Ben sighed. “Doesn’t sound very Christian, does it?”
He caught a momentary flash of concern in her eyes. When she spoke, her tone was firm. “Do you know how many Christians suffer from depression, Mr.… Ben? We’ve all convinced ourselves that believers aren’t supposed to wrestle with darkness or hard times. And nothing—absolutely nothing—could be further from the truth.”
Ben leaned back, frowning. Is it true, God? Are there other women like Maggie? Women in the church? “No one ever knew … she didn’t … she always seemed so happy.”
The expression on Kathy’s face softened. “They all do, especially when they know the rejection they’d face otherwise.” She stirred the straw in her soft drink. “You’d be surprised how many people wear masks to church.”
What was she saying? “So you mean it’s a good thing, this hospital stay?”
Kathy smiled. “I know it’s hard to understand, but many times depression comes from a chemical imbalance. Stress, other factors in life become too hard to handle and the body’s chemistry is thrown off. When that happens, nothing but medication will set things right again. Even if it’s only temporary.”
Medication? Ben hadn’t thought of that—his Maggie being on drugs to get through life. “It seems so … I don’t know, worldly, I guess. Shouldn’t prayer be enough?”
Ben made a fist and gripped it with his other hand. Before all this happened he would have known the answer—of course Maggie would want her daughter. But now … now he had no idea what might be going on in his wife’s mind, what her reaction to Amanda would be. “You’re right.” He stared across the room at Amanda and her friend. “That’s why I’m afraid of telling her anything yet.”
He sighed. The question had haunted him since the moment he laid eyes on the child. Now that he’d found her, there was something deep within him that couldn’t imagine ever letting her go. “I haven’t worked through all the details and, well, I know Amanda needs a mother figure.” His feelings for Amanda were greater than he’d thought possible. And if Maggie wasn’t interested …
Does it matter, God … what Maggie decides about this? Aren’t children sometimes raised by single fathers?
He searched for the right words. “What I’m trying to say is, I want to give her a home, Ms. Garrett. No matter what Maggie decides.”
Kathy studied him and an understanding smile worked its way across her face. “I hoped you might feel that way.” Kathy glanced at her watch. “We can talk about it later. Let’s get Amanda back to school, then head back to the office so we can file the right paperwork.”
He hesitated. “I’ve been a foster parent but … I can’t believe it’s this easy to take custody of a child in the foster system.” The idea worried Ben. What if he’d been the type of foster parent Amanda had had before?
“The moment a licensed foster parent breaks the law or is arrested, that type of thing, a red flag shows up in the computer and the license is automatically revoked. But … ” Her shoulders settled forward a bit, as though the weight of the matter were almost more than she could bear. “Obviously it’s not, a foolproof system.”
She looked at him intently. “I’ve prayed about you, Mr. Stovall. I know you’re a licensed foster parent in the state of Ohio; and I believe you’re married to Amanda’s birth mother. I also believe you know the same Lord I do. Because of that, I’m ready, if you are, to arrange a short-term agreement. I trust God to make the other details fall into place later.” She smiled, even as her eyes filled with fresh tears. “Much as I’ll miss her, you should know one thing, Mr. Stovall.” “What’s that?”
“I’ll be praying that your wife will get the help she needs … so she can see the chance God’s giving her. And that one day very soon—” Kathy’s eyes sparkled with hope—“the three of you will be a family.”
The paperwork was easier than Ben was used to. Short-term care—especially for a foster parent already licensed by the state—was by nature designed to be an expeditious process, so that the child could be transported as soon as possible into the foster home. In this case, he and Kathy had talked to Amanda before taking her back to class. They’d agreed Amanda would go with him after school tomorrow. She could miss Friday and spend a three-day weekend with him.
Now it was just after two o’clock, and Ben lay on his bed, sorting through the feelings assaulting him. Sometime tomorrow he and Amanda would drive the five hours back to Cleveland. Then, on Friday morning he would call and—by the grace of God—get a report on Maggie. As long as she was making progress and nearing the end of her treatment, he would do what some might consider the craziest thing of all: He would take Amanda to Orchards Hospital, where he wouldn’t leave unless Maggie refused not just him, but her daughter as well.
How should I feel about Maggie, God? Part of me still can’t believe it, can’t imagine that she lied to me all those years, that she hid something as serious as this. But part of me feels guilty, Lord.
For the life of him, Ben couldn’t understand why. What had he done to drive Maggie into John McFadden’s arms? How had he pressured her to give up her daughter and lie to him all these years?
Love covers a multitude of sins. My son.
Ben flipped onto his stomach and breathed in the sterile scent of hotel bedding. “What’s that mean? Tell me, God. Please.” He voiced the request through clenched teeth.
Nothing came to him, and he closed his eyes. But as the minutes passed he drifted back in time through a series of memories, times that until then, he had completely forgotten.
The first one took shape … he and Maggie were fishing on the edge of a dock along a small lake, hidden away from the main road. It was seven, maybe eight years ago. They heard something and turned to see a teenage couple walking hand in hand, heading into the woods. The girl looked nervous; she checked over her shoulder more than once. The boy had a thick blanket under his arm, and his steps were sure and steady.
“Looks like trouble,” Maggie had whispered.
He could see the concern on her face as clearly as he had seen it that day.
Ben snorted softly. “She doesn’t look too worried.”
Maggie’s eyes had widened, her eyebrows set in frustration. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Ben remembered being taken aback. “It means whatever happens out there in the woods today, she asked for it.”
He could still see the indignation that had flashed in Maggie’s eyes. “That girl isn’t asking for anything.”
“Look, Maggie, when a girl sneaks off into the woods with a guy and a blanket, she’s asking for it.” He placed an arm around her and smoothed his thumb over her troubled brow. “Look at you and me. We didn’t get in trouble because we held ourselves to a higher standard, a godly standard. I’m not saying it’s easy to stay pure, Maggie. But we did it, didn’t we?”
In the memory, Maggie’s response was something Ben hadn’t recognized before: A shadow crossed her face and she let her gaze fall to the water without answering him. Ask her what’s bothering her! He screamed silently at the image of himself in the memory, but it did no good. Years had passed since then, and the moment was obviously gone. Instead there was only the same verse that had plagued him too often.
Love covers a multitude of sins … love covers a multitude of …
Another image took shape. He and Maggie were sitting across from each other in a restaurant just after church one Sunday a handful of years earlier. It was a day when one of the elders had shared news of his fifteen-year-old daughter’s unplanned pregnancy.
“Maybe I’ll give her a call,” Maggie had said. She was staring out the window.
“I guess, if you want to.” Ben kept his eyes trained on the menu, but in the memory he could see the hurt expression on Maggie’s face.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Ben looked up. “Nothing against you, Maggie. But she made her choice when she slept with the guy. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I feel badly for her, but she never should have let herself get in that situation.”
Like with the previous memory, Ben saw the veil of shame cover Maggie’s face. But at the time he’d been too involved in whether to order grilled swordfish or chicken alfredo. He hadn’t really thought much about her silence, her expression.
Maggie, I’m so sorry, honey. The signs were all there. How could I have been so blind? The questions tore at him, making him wish for a way back in time so he could look deep into her soul and gently pull the truth from her, talk with her so he wouldn’t have to wait until now to understand her pain.
Love covers a multitude of sins … love covers a multitude …
Memory after memory filled his mind. Each time the conversation was about immorality or fleshly weakness. And each time, as Maggie expressed compassion, Ben had silenced her with righteous indignation. Finally at the end of the last conversation Maggie had tears streaming down her face—and again Ben had missed the opportunity to connect with her.
Love covers a multitude of sins.
Ben lay in bed wrestling with himself and with the Script
ure that refused to let him sleep. He rolled onto one side, then flipped onto the other until finally he lay on his back, his heart pounding, his eyes wide open. “I might have been kinder back then, God … but I loved her. This isn’t about me; it’s about Maggie. It’s her fault she … ”
A new image took shape in his mind. The image of a man, nailed to a cross that was anchored on a hill and surrounded by a throng of people. But rather than weep for the crucified man, the people mocked and jeered and held their heads high. “You brought it on Yourself! You asked for it!” Suddenly Ben heard himself gasp out loud. Among the faces in the crowd, he had spotted his own. Then at the same moment, he caught the eyes of the one on the cross. Jesus’ eyes, calm and merciful and full of lovingkindness.
Forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Jesus’ words washed over him, and he blinked back the image. “Oh, God, what have I done?” Tears gave way to gut-wrenching sobs that tore at his heart and threatened to consume him. “What have I done?”
He had asked for a sign, hadn’t he? Well, the Lord Himself had given one. He could deny the truth no longer. The same way the crowd had mocked Jesus, Ben had mocked those around him who were in pain. By believing himself somehow superior or invincible to the destructive reality of sin and temptation, he had missed dozens of opportunities to get to know Maggie, to really love her.
Suddenly Ben knew with certainty that had he seen her back then the way he’d seen her tonight, in his memories, he would have pulled her close and asked her what was wrong. Had he seen her that way even a few years ago … a few weeks ago, maybe they could have unraveled the ball of lies that had become their life and prevented Maggie’s breakdown.
Maybe Amanda would never have been forced into a foster home where people hurt her.
And maybe the Lord wouldn’t have had to show Ben’s face among the crowd of people mocking Jesus.
“Forgive me, God. Please, forgive me.” Ben wept, and as tear after tear coursed down his face, his heart grew softer than it had been in years. A hundred times over he apologized to Jesus, begging Him to prepare Maggie’s heart for the moment when he could finally tell her how sorry he was. When he was finished, he felt drained of every wrong emotion he’d ever experienced. What’s more, he no longer even considered Maggie’s role in all they’d been through. He forgave her completely and wanted only for her to be able to say the same about him.