"What do you mean?"
"He was drinking, experimenting with drugs. Doing anything to keep his mind off the fact that he'd soon be losing his vision. We started dating and I tried to get him to stop doing those things but I couldn't make him stop. He had to do it himself, when he was ready. Unfortunately, it took a few years for that to happen. He quit when we found out I was pregnant."
"So I was an accident."
"You weren't planned. We considered keeping you but we were both too scared. I was scared Robert would go back to drinking and drugs and we were both scared we wouldn't be able to raise you without our vision. Now we know that's not true, but back then, we'd convinced ourselves we couldn't do it. People told us we could, but we didn't believe them."
That's how I feel about college and all the other things in my future. I feel like I can't do the stuff I once wanted to do. Like they're no longer options even though people keep telling me they are.
"Do you regret it? Giving me up?"
"I can't go there, Luna. I can't go back and re-think that decision. As soon as I made it, I told myself it was done and I couldn't go back. I'd drive myself crazy if I did."
"So then what happened? What did you do?"
"Finished college, then decided to go to law school. Robert went back to drinking after we gave you up. He eventually went to rehab and got a job. He went to cooking school when he was thirty. I had a job as a lawyer by then."
"How does he..." I try to figure out how to say this without offending her. Now I know how people feel when they're asking me about my eyes. They're always afraid they'll say the wrong thing.
"Work as a chef?" she says, finishing my thought. "He makes adjustments to make it work. There are ways to make most any job work. Being blind doesn't mean you can't do things. It just means you need to make adjustments."
"But how do you know what those are?"
"You learn. You practice. You talk to people who are already doing it. Before I lost my vision, I became friends with a lawyer who's blind. He taught me some things and the other things I just learned on my own. You can't be afraid to ask for help." She pauses. "What is it you want to do, Luna? Do you have a career in mind?"
"I was thinking something in science. Maybe medical research. But now...I'm not sure."
"If that's what you want to do, you can make it work."
"People keep telling me that but I don't see how it's possible. It's going to take me forever just to figure out how to get around without my sight."
"You'll learn. It just takes time. It's like learning any new skill. You take your time, you practice, and soon it becomes easy."
"Thinking about it now, it doesn't sound easy. It sounds overwhelming. And not knowing when it'll happen...I feel like my life's on hold."
"Luna, you can't think that way. I know it's hard but you can't let this take away your dreams. Or anything else that's important to you."
Is she talking about my relationship with Wes? Did my parents tell her about him?
"What do you mean by 'anything else'?" I ask.
"When I was your age, I isolated myself. I assumed any friends I made would go away if I went blind so I avoided making friends. I avoided going on dates because I couldn't imagine a boy wanting to date a blind girl. I missed out on a lot because I was afraid of what might happen instead of just living my life."
"Can I ask you something personal?"
"Go ahead."
"Before you met Robert, did you date anyone who didn't have this?"
"I did, but I never let it go beyond a few dates."
"Did you tell the guys you went out with about your eyes?"
"No. If I'd dated them longer I would have, but I never let it get that far. I'd break it off before things got too serious."
She sounds just like me. I wonder if that's because we're related or if everyone who has this condition reacts the same way. Maybe we all push away people who have their vision, assuming they won't want to be with us when we lose our sight.
"Is there someone special in your life?" she asks. "A boy?"
"There was. There's not anymore."
"You broke up with him. Before things got too serious."
"They were already serious. He told me he loved me."
"And what about you? Did you love him?"
"Yes." I pause. "I still do. I feel like part of me always will. Maybe because he's my first love."
"Did you tell him about your eyes?"
"I did."
"And how did he react?"
"He said it didn't matter. But it DOES matter. He just doesn't get it."
"Or maybe he does, and you just don't believe him."
"I don't want his life being changed because of me."
"Has your life changed? Since meeting him?"
"Yeah. It's changed a lot. But in a good way. Wes' life will change in a bad way if he stays with me."
"That's not true. I have plenty of blind friends who have partners who have their sight."
"I've already made this decision. I can't go back now. It's over."
"But it's not what you want."
"But it's what's for the best. For both of us."
"Decisions can be changed, Luna. You don't want to live with regrets. Trust me, regrets can haunt you for the rest of your life."
"Are you talking about giving me up? Because I thought you said you didn't regret it. You said you made the decision and didn't look back."
"Just think about what I said. Think about your decisions. Not just about this boy but about all of it. College. Your career. Your future. Your life isn't over when you lose your sight. It just changes."
It's the same advice everyone keeps giving me and I keep ignoring it. But coming from my birth mom, someone who's been through it, makes it more believable.
"I'll think about it," I say.
"If you ever want to talk again, we can. You have my number."
"I don't think I can. I'm really grateful I was able to talk to you today but I'm not ready to have a relationship with you. Maybe someday but not now."
"I understand."
"But before I go, can I ask you one last thing?"
"Of course. What is it?"
"When did it get really bad? Your vision?"
"It started declining rapidly when I was about thirty."
"And what about my dad?"
She sighs. "Twenty. But Luna, that doesn't mean the same thing will happen to you. None of us can predict what will happen. And Robert's vision wasn't completely gone until his mid-twenties."
"That's still really young."
"It is, but as I said earlier, it doesn't mean you can't do whatever it is you want to do."
My phone buzzes with another call. "I have to go, but thank you for talking to me."
"Anytime. If you ever want to talk again, just call me."
"I will."
"Goodbye, Luna."
"Bye."
The call ends and I'm left feeling like I got what I needed. I got the answers I wanted and I don't feel the need to talk to her again. She seemed really nice but I felt no connection to her. It was like talking to a stranger. I appreciate her offer to let me call her again but I don't think I will. I don't need to. I already have parents, and they're the only parents I want.
Checking my phone, I see it was Wes who called. He didn't leave a message this time.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Going out to the living room, I see my dad on the couch, watching TV. He sees me and turns the TV to mute.
"I called her," I say.
He sits up straighter. "And? How'd it go?"
"I'm not sure. I guess it went okay but it wasn't how I thought it would be."
"What do you mean?"
"I thought I would feel something for her, like some mother-daughter connection, but I didn't."
"That's understandable. You don't know her. You've never met her."
"I know. I just thought it would be different."
"What did
you two talk about?"
"She just answered some questions I had."
He nods. "I think it's good you talked to her. Are you planning to call her again?"
"No. I don't need to."
He looks at me a moment, then smiles and says, "That sandwich didn't do much for me. Why don't we go out for a burger?"
"Maybe some other time. I'm not hungry." I pause. "Dad?"
"Yes?"
"Do you have any regrets?"
"Regrets?" His brows rise. "Sure. I think everyone does."
"What are they?"
"I don't know off the top of my head. I'd have to think about it. Regrets are typically something you try to forget. Why do you ask?"
"I just wondered."
"You know..." he eyes me, "regrets can be avoided."
I know what he's hinting at but I'm not ready to talk to Wes.
"Maybe we should get that burger," I say, feeling the need to get out of the house. I stand up. "I'll go grab my sweatshirt."
"I thought you weren't hungry."
"I haven't had dinner. I might as well eat." I hurry off to my room, then meet up with my dad at the door.
"Everything okay?" he asks.
"Yeah. Why?"
"You seem anxious. And you won't stop moving."
"It's probably low blood sugar. I need to eat." I go out the door.
"You sure it's not something else?"
"I'm fine, Dad." I get in the car. My phone dings with a text and I check to see if it's from Wes. It's not. It's a junk text, trying to sell me something.
I miss Wes. I miss him so much. It's Friday and I want to be with him, at his house, watching movies.
"So where do you want to go?" my dad asks. "You want to try that new place by the university?"
"Sure. Sounds good."
When my dad mentioned the university, it made me think of Wes again because his dad works there. The car in front of us has a monkey sticker on the back window, which also makes me think of Wes. Everything seems to remind me of him.
When we're almost at the restaurant, I say, "I changed my mind."
"About what?"
"Eating. I'm not hungry."
My dad laughs. "Luna, what's going on with you? One minute you're hungry, the next you're not? You wanted to stay home but then wanted to go out?"
"I guess I'm having trouble making decisions right now. Sorry."
"It's fine. So are we going home?"
I hesitate. "No."
"Then where are we going?"
I look at him. "Could you take me to Wes' house?"
He smiles. "I'd be happy to."
When we get to the house, I wait in the car and text him. Can we talk?
Yeah. When? he texts back.
Right now.
Sure. I'll be right over.
I'm already here. I'm in your driveway.
Moments later, he comes outside.
"Go get your prince," my dad says.
"That's not why I'm here. I'm just here to—"
"Go." He motions to Wes. "I'll see you at home later."
I get out of the car, and as I'm walking up to Wes I realize I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't even know what I'm going to say. I just had to see him.
"Hey," he says.
"Hey." I smile. "I liked the drawing. And the game idea."
"It's not just an idea. It's already in development. It's the Bigfoot game I've been working on."
"Holy crap, I'm going to be in a game? Are you serious?"
He chuckles. "Kinda cool, huh?"
"Uh, yeah. Really cool. Like the coolest thing ever."
"Maybe when the game comes out I'll get another licensing deal and people will be wearing shirts with cartoon Luna on them."
"That would be really weird. But also really cool."
"C'mon." He motions me to follow him. "Let's go inside."
We go in there and I see Tom, Wes' dad, and his girlfriend, Ann, sitting on the couch. The two of them have been on several dates now. Wes thinks it might actually work out between them.
"Hello, Luna," Tom says, giving me a smile. "Haven't seen you for a while."
"Yeah, I've been busy."
Wes must not have told his dad we broke up.
"What time are you guys going to dinner?" Wes asks his dad.
"We're heading out right now." He looks at Ann. "Ready?"
"Just let me grab my purse."
After the two of them leave, Wes and I take their place on the couch. Their empty wine glasses are still on the coffee table and the fireplace is going. Wes' dad must've been trying to set a romantic mood for his date.
"The fire feels good," I say, the warmth of it surrounding me. I keep my eyes on the fire, watching the flames flicker, then say, "I talked to my mom."
Wes turns to me. "You mean...your birth mom?"
"Yeah. I wasn't going to but then I decided I needed to. I needed answers and she's the only one who could give them to me."
I hadn't planned to tell Wes this, but then I got here and it was the first thing that came to mind. I couldn't talk to my dad about it. I didn't want to. But I wanted to tell Wes. He's the person I go to when I need to talk. He's my friend, the person I confide in, the person I go to when I need to talk through something.
"Answers about what?" he asks. "Your eyes?"
"Yeah. How she deals with being blind." I pause. "Why she gave me up."
"You asked her that?"
I nod. "I already knew the answer but I wanted to hear it from her. I asked if she ever regretted it."
"What did she say?"
"That was the one answer she couldn't give me, I think because part of her does regret it."
"What else did she say?"
"We talked about what it's like to be blind. She told me a little about my dad. That was about it. She said I could call her again but I don't think I will." I shrug. "Anyway, I pushed past my fears, like you told me to, and it turned out to be good. It was good I talked to her. So thanks."
"No problem."
We both get quiet. I can tell he wants to say something about us and our breakup, but he's waiting for me to say something first.
When I don't, he says, "Luna, I just need to tell you this. I know I've said it before but I need to say it again. My feelings for you haven't changed. I'll love you no matter what happens. What you told me doesn't change anything."
"But it does for me. My whole life will change when it happens and it'll change the life of whoever I'm with. You say it doesn't matter to you, but that's because it's way off in the future. If it was happening tomorrow, you'd feel differently."
"I wouldn't. That's what I keep trying to tell you. Why won't you believe me?"
"Because I know it's not true. Have you even thought of all the things we wouldn't be able to do together if you stayed with me? All the things you love to do, like scuba dive and ski? I won't be able to do those things, Wes."
"How do you know I like to ski? And scuba dive? I never told you that."
I look down. "I might've overheard you say it when Karrie was here."
"You were here that day? In my house?"
"I came over to see you and she was here and I didn't want to interrupt so I left."
"That's why you broke up with me? You think I'm still with Karrie?"
"No. That's not why. But that day when I heard you saying all that stuff, I realized you'd never be able to do those things with me. Even now, we're limited in what we can do together because of me."
"And have I ever once complained about that?"
"No, but eventually it'll bother you. You'll realize what you're missing out on." I look him in the eye. "I don't want you to miss out on life, Wes. You have so much going on and I'm so proud of you and amazed by you. I'll always be grateful for our friendship and everything you've done for me. High school has been so much better since you showed up. I can't believe how much it—"
"Okay, stop. Stop telling me what I think or what I'm going to think y
ears from now. I'm the mind reader, not you." He smiles a little, then gets serious again. "I may not be able to predict the future but I can tell you right now that if we're still together years from now...whatever happens to your eyes won't change how I feel about you. It may change what we do or how we do it, but it won't change the fact that I love you."
"Even if you love me, that doesn't mean you'll want to be with me. You don't know how hard it'll be."
"You don't either. Neither of us does. But if we're together and we love each other, we'll figure it out."
His phone rings and he checks it. "It's Colton. I'll call him later."
"Wes, I didn't come over here to get back together with you."
"Then why are you here?"
"I don't really know other than that I had to see you. I hardly saw you last week and I missed you."
"I missed you too."
His phone dings with a text. He looks at it. "It's Colton again. He wants me to call him."
"Go ahead."
"I'll do it later. He probably just wants to tell me about some party he wants me to go to."
"I don't mind. Just call him."
He calls him. "Hey, man, what's up?" He listens, his brows drawing together. "Holy shit. Is he okay?" He nods as he listens. "Yeah, okay. I'm with Luna right now. Can I call you later?" He listens again. "Yeah, bye."
"What happened?" I ask.
"Hunter was in an accident. He was helping his dad do something on their farm and the equipment he was using jammed so he stuck his hand in it and whatever was jammed in there shot out and hit him in the face."
"Is he all right?"
"Colton said two of Hunter's fingers got cut off by the blade. He won't be able to play football anymore."
"Football is his life."
"It's not just that. A piece of wood hit his eye. They did surgery but he could have permanent eye damage."
"Oh my God."
"Yeah, it's bad."
"Other than that, is he okay?"
"He seems to be. Colton was just at the hospital. He said Hunter has cuts and scrapes on his face but the rest of him is okay, except for the missing fingers."
I cringe. "That sounds awful. I feel so bad for him."
"Which is one of the reasons I love you." He takes my hand. "Hunter's picked on you your whole life. He gave you those stupid nicknames. And yet you still feel sorry for him."
The Geek and The Goddess Page 26