He turns the engine off. "What's going on?"
I swallow and look straight ahead. "I don't want to do this anymore."
He lets out a long sigh. "What happened?"
"Nothing happened. I just decided this isn't what I want." I remain stoic, trying to hide all the sadness and pain I feel over losing him.
"You don't want to break up with me. You're just afraid." He pauses and I hear him sigh again. "You found them, didn't you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Your parents. You found them."
"Yeah, but that doesn't have anything to do with this."
"You really think I'm dumb enough to believe that?" When I don't answer, he says, "Did you talk to them?"
"No. My parents did."
"And? What did they say?"
I hesitate, then say, "They're both blind. Completely blind. My dad went blind at 24 and my mom at 36."
He reaches over and takes my hand. "I'm sorry, Luna. I know that isn't the news you wanted, but it doesn't change anything between us."
I look at him. "I don't want this, okay? It's not about my parents or my eyes or any of that. It just isn't working." I will myself not to cry. "I don't...I don't feel the same way about you as you do about me."
That was the hardest thing I've ever had to say. And the biggest lie I've ever told.
"You don't love me?" he asks, like he doesn't believe me.
"No," I say, using all my strength to suppress the hurt that's threatening to fill my eyes with tears. I won't let it happen. If he sees tears, he'll know I'm lying.
"Then why did you say it last night? Why did you say you love me?"
"Because you said it. And I didn't want you to feel bad so I said it back."
"I don't believe you."
I manage to free my hand from his and turn away. "I'm sorry, Wes. I just don't feel it. I wish I did, but I don't." I open the car door and get out, then run to the house and go inside.
"Luna?" my mom says as I run past her to my room.
I'm crying now and can't stop. I didn't want to let him go. Wes is probably the only guy I'll ever love. But that's why I had to do this. I love him too much to put him through this. I want him to have a normal life but he'll never have that if he's with me. Even if we only date until the end of high school, it would still be better for him to be with someone who isn't limited by their sight. Someone who can go to the movies without tripping on the way to find her seat. Someone who can go a field party at night without a flashlight. Someone who can drive a car.
Wes doesn't realize how my limitations affect him. He doesn't see it. But if we stayed together, he'd eventually realize it, and when that happened, we'd break up. So really, I'm just hurrying up what would've happened anyway at some point in the future.
A text pops up from Wes. You don't mean it.
I'm sorry, Wes, I text back. I wish I felt differently.
For the rest of the day, and most of Sunday, he sends more texts, and calls and leaves messages. We have a chem assignment due on Monday so I text him about that but not about our relationship.
Sunday night, he shows up at my house but I tell my dad to send him home.
I get another text later that says, I'm not giving up on you, Luna. I love you too much to give up.
His text makes me sad and I cry myself to sleep.
Monday in class, I focus on our lab assignment. "Can you get the beakers?"
"I can if you agree to talk to me."
"I AM talking to you."
"We need to talk about US. You've avoided me long enough."
"I'm not avoiding you."
"You wouldn't answer my texts and you won't talk to me on the phone."
"Because we're not dating anymore."
"I want everyone's eyes up here," Mr. Henderson says. He's in the front of the room, standing by one of the lab tables. "The chemicals we're using today have to be added in a very specific order so I want everyone to watch me do this before you do it yourselves."
Wes doesn't mention our relationship again for the rest of class. As we're packing up to leave, he says, "I have a meeting for work so I have to miss history."
"Okay." I slide my book into my backpack.
"The meeting will probably go through lunch."
Lunch. I hadn't thought about that. Now that we're not dating, we shouldn't be eating lunch together, which means I'll have to go back to eating lunch alone. Without Wes in my life, things at school will change. Soon I'll become the old Luna. People will go back to making fun of me and calling me names.
As Wes gets up to leave, I suddenly get what he was trying to tell me just now.
"Wait." I grab his arm. "Is the meeting about that deal you've been working on?"
For months, Wes has been working on a deal to license the Monkey Mummy brand to a company that wants to sell t-shirts, sweatshirts, hats, and a million other things with the Monkey Mummy logo on it. If the deal goes through, it would be huge. Wes would make millions of dollars for basically doing nothing other than letting them use his logo, which would help promote his game and make him even richer.
He smiles. "It's our final meeting, and from what my lawyer said, it sounds like it's a go. They're just finishing up the paperwork. We could have a deal by the end of the week."
"Wes, that's awesome! Why didn't you tell me?"
"I tried to but you wouldn't talk to me. I was going to tell you Saturday night. I had dinner reservations at that place downtown you wanted to go to."
I would've loved to go but I couldn't. I needed to end things with Wes sooner rather than later. But I do regret not being there for him when he got the news about the licensing deal.
"When did you find out?" I ask.
"I got the call Friday but I wanted to wait and tell you on Saturday." He smiles. "I already had my other surprise planned for Friday. I didn't want anything to distract from that."
The notecards. The best gift I've ever gotten. It's something I'll always remember.
He still hasn't mentioned Karrie or why she was at his house or why he didn't tell me. I didn't bring it up because if I told him I'd seen him with her, he'd think that's why we broke up and that's not the reason. I admit I was suspicious she was there and even more suspicious he didn't tell me, but that wasn't why I ended things between us.
"I was going to call and tell you the news Saturday morning but then Karrie showed up."
Did he read my mind again? How does he always know what I'm thinking?
"Why was Karrie there?"
"She was bored so she decided to drive up from Chicago and surprise me. I told her she should've called first but that's not Karrie. She's not a planner. She likes to be spontaneous, which is one of the reasons things didn't work between her and me. I'm more of a planner."
"So what'd you guys do all day?"
"Mostly went over the graphics she's doing for one of my games. And we talked about the licensing deal. I'm going to share the profits with her since she created the logo. We don't have an agreement saying I have to, but it's the right thing to do. Anyway, we played some pool and talked and then she left."
So it was completely innocent. They're just friends. But he still could've told me she was there. Maybe he did. I never did read his texts from Saturday morning.
"That's awesome news about the licensing deal. I'm really happy for you." I want to hug him but don't. Instead I smile and say, "You're amazing, Wes. You really are."
"So are you." He looks at me, his expression now serious. "We need to talk. After school. Let's go somewhere."
I shake my head. "I can't."
"Luna, this isn't fair. You have to at least let me say what I need to say. You didn't even give me a chance to talk on Saturday."
"I have an eye appointment after school. My mom is picking me up."
"Then we'll talk tonight."
"Wes, there isn't anything to say." I pick up my backpack. "I have to get to class. Good luck with your meeting." I hurr
y out of the room.
The rest of the day I can't stop thinking about Wes. Did I do the right thing? Is there any way we could've made it work?
After school I go to my eye appointment. The doctor doesn't tell me anything I didn't already know. He confirms I'll likely lose my vision in my late twenties or early thirties. There's no cure. No way to stop it. It's just a fact I have to live with and it confirms I made the right decision. I can't be with Wes.
The rest of the week, Wes isn't in school much. Apparently, making this licensing deal official isn't as easy as just signing a bunch of paperwork. He had to bring in additional lawyers and fly out to meet one last time with the company he's doing the deal with. I don't know all the details but it sounded like a lot of work and a lot of stress. I'm sure he's exhausted trying to do all that and also keep up with his homework.
***
On Friday night, I get a text from him. Just got back from New York. Can we talk?
I can't. I'm busy, I text back.
Then I'll leave this at your door. Goodnight.
Leave what at my door? I walk to the front door and open it and see him driving away. I look down and see an envelope sitting on the doormat. I pick it up and take it inside.
"Whatcha got there?" my dad asks.
"I don't know. Something from Wes."
"You two should be out tonight. It's date night."
"We broke up, remember?"
"Yeah, your mother tried that too when we were dating. Didn't work. Obviously." He smiles.
"Mom tried to break up with you?"
"Twice. Didn't stick either time."
"Why'd she want to break up with you?"
"I don't remember. You'll have to ask her. Both times when she told me she was ending things, I didn't care what her reasons were. I knew the real reason was she just wasn't ready. So I stuck around and waited until she was. The rest is history." He winks at me. "I have a feeling Wes will wait it out too."
I roll my eyes. "It's not gonna happen, Dad."
He points to the envelope. "Doesn't seem like he's giving up."
"I'm sure this is just something for chem class. He owes me his write-up from the last experiment."
He nods, smiling. "Yeah, I'm sure that's what it is."
I go over to the couch and open the envelope. I pull out a piece of paper. It's a drawing. Like a cartoon drawing of a girl dressed in khaki shorts and a green t-shirt, carrying a backpack and wearing big sunglasses. As I take a closer look at it, I realize she looks like me. I think she IS me.
"What is it?" my dad asks.
"It's a drawing." I hold the piece of paper up to him. "Do you think she looks like me or am I imagining it?"
He comes up closer and looks at the drawing. "It's definitely you. Is he putting you in one of his games?"
"I don't think so. I think he just had the picture drawn for me. He has this friend who does his graphics. She probably made it for him."
"What's the note say?" He points to the floor and I look down and see a smaller piece of paper. It must've fallen out of the envelope.
I pick it up and read it out loud. "This is Luna, the world's foremost expert on legendary creatures. Join her and Wesley, her geeky sidekick, as they go in search of Bigfoot, the elusive mountain creature. It's a game for all ages that will test your knowledge and skills and have you wondering if this creature really does exist. He does, by the way. It's a fact. I've seen him. I even have a picture." I laugh.
"I told you he'd put you in a game," my dad says. "If that doesn't win your heart, I don't know what will."
Wes doesn't have to win my heart. He already has it. He had it a long time ago.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
"You want a ride to his house?" my dad asks.
"No." I set the note down. "I told you, it's over with Wes."
"And why is that?" His brows rise.
"Dad, I'm not talking to you about this."
He nods but doesn't say anything. He's stalling, hoping his silence will make me say more. It's a trick he uses to get me to talk but it's not going to work this time because I have nothing more to say.
Finally, he speaks. "What if they hadn't given you up?"
"My parents?" I ask, confused.
"Yes. What if they'd gotten over their fears and decided to keep you? Do you think you would've had a bad childhood?"
"I don't know. Probably not. I'm sure they would've figured out how to raise me. And actually, the more I've thought about it, I don't understand their decision."
"Meaning what?"
"Why would they give me up if my mom could still see? I know she was afraid she might go blind like my dad but she didn't know when it would happen."
"And neither do you," he says, eyeing me with that classic dad expression he gets when he's trying to make me figure out on my own whatever lesson he's trying to teach me.
"It's not the same, Dad. Giving up a kid is a huge decision."
"So is giving up the boy you love."
I roll my eyes. "We're still in high school. Even if I wasn't losing my sight, it still wouldn't last with Wes."
He nods again, but doesn't say anything. I turn to go back to my room but then hear him say, "She's a lawyer."
I turn back. "Who's a lawyer? Who are you talking about?"
"Your mother."
"My mom's a lawyer? She told you that?"
"No. I looked her up online. She works for the state."
"I don't understand. How could she be a lawyer?"
He shrugs. "Why couldn't she? Blind people can do most anything. I keep trying to tell you that."
"I know but...wait, are you sure what you found was current? She just lost her sight two years ago. Maybe that's when she quit."
"She didn't quit. The information was current. She's a lawyer and your father is a chef."
I don't know what to say. I'm trying to imagine them doing those jobs but I can't. How can they do those things if they can't see?
My dad pulls something out of his pocket. It's a piece of paper. He hands it to me. "In case you have questions."
He walks away and I look down at the paper. It has my birth mom's name on it along with her phone number.
My dad's in the kitchen now, looking in the fridge. I go over to him, holding up the piece of paper. "You want me to call her?"
"That's up to you." He takes a jar of mayonnaise from the fridge and sets it on the counter. "You want a sandwich?"
"No," I say as he takes the bread from the cupboard.
"Your mother's out with a friend tonight. We're on our own for dinner. I assumed you'd be out with Wes but since you're not, the sandwich is about all I can offer you for dinner. We need to go to the store. Or we could go out for dinner. I can put this away."
"That's okay. Go ahead and eat. I'm not really hungry."
As I walk off I hear him talking. "Fun fact. New Mexico is an hour behind."
He's reminding me what time it is there in case I decide to call my mom. I wouldn't want to call her when she's busy with clients or in court or whatever it is she does as a lawyer.
My mom's a lawyer. A blind lawyer. How does she do her job when she can't see?
I'm afraid to call her. But I'm also afraid of being afraid. I want answers.
It's five-thirty, so it's four-thirty in New Mexico. She's probably still at work. But I can't wait until later. I might change my mind and decide this is a bad idea. Maybe it is, but I really feel like I need to do this.
Back in my room, nervously pacing the floor, I call her number. It rings and rings and then she picks up. "Hello?"
She sounds out of breath. She must be hurrying to get somewhere. I'm bothering her at work. I shouldn't have called.
"Sorry. I got the wrong number." I go to hang up but then hear her voice.
"Luna?"
I freeze, not sure if I should admit it's me or lie and go with the wrong number story.
Why does she think it's me? Was she expecting me to call?
Why did I do this? I told myself I never wanted to talk to my birth parents and now here I am, with my mom on the phone.
"Um, yeah. It's Luna."
"Hello, Luna." She takes a moment to catch her breath. "Your father said you might call."
"I can call back later. I didn't mean to interrupt you at work. You sound busy."
"I'm not. I just finished a meeting with a client and was about to head home."
"Oh, well, we can talk some other time."
"Luna, it's fine. I'm alone in my office. It's quiet. This is the perfect time to talk."
And yet I don't know what to say.
"Are you still there?" she asks.
"Yeah. Sorry, I'm a little nervous."
"Why don't I start?"
"Okay."
"I think I know why you're calling. When Robert and I talked with your parents, they explained how you're struggling to figure out what to do with your life, knowing you'll lose your vision someday."
"About that...why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell the adoption agency so that they could tell my parents what would happen to me?"
She sighs. "We should have. We didn't because, back then, we were in denial. We honestly believed it wouldn't happen to you. We knew it was passed through the genes but we were young and naive and convinced ourselves your eyes would be fine."
"But later, when you knew it would happen, why didn't you tell me? Or tell my parents?"
"I don't have an answer for that. I'm sorry, Luna. I understand if that makes you angry. You have every right to be angry at me for that."
"I'm not angry. Not anymore. I'm not even sure if I would've wanted to know. Knowing kind of sucks."
"Because you don't know what to do now. How to move forward knowing you'll be blind someday."
"Yeah. I guess that's why I called. Nobody understands what this is like. They try to help but..."
"It's hard when they don't understand."
"Yeah."
"When I was your age, I felt the same way. My mother had limited vision but she wasn't blind. It wasn't until I met Robert, your father, when I finally felt like someone understood me. When we met, his vision was far worse than mine and he wasn't handling it well."
The Geek and The Goddess Page 25