Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

by Saralee Rosenberg

  They had only been home twenty-four hours when Mindy recounted all the things she’d lost on board the cruise. Her room key, her cruise card (twice), her sense of humor, and, by day six, her mind. What she did not lose was weight.

  If only bathroom scales were programmed to forgive and forget the mounds of food and desserts consumed, or that ships from sovereign nations automatically disregarded the overindulging, releasing the extra cargo to the wind before disembarkment.

  She tried to remember which of the thousands of calories she’d digested had been worth this guilt-ridden moment when she not only had to face the startling, near-pregnancy weight, but the painful discovery that even her fat jeans were snug.

  “How bad is it?” Artie asked, though he dared not peek at the scale.

  “Awful…Even my watch is tight. What about you?”

  “Not terrible. A few pounds…I’ll do extra time on the tread-mill this week.”

  “I hate men. I diet for a month and lose thirty days. You spend an extra ten minutes working out and the scale moves. But face it. We’re both too fat. By next Halloween we can go as Shrek and Fiona.”

  “I know. I just can’t fight that battle on top of all the others right now.”

  “Fine, but let’s at least agree to lay off the Chinese and Italian for a while.”

  “Why? What did they ever do to us?”

  “You know what I’m saying.”

  “Okay, okay. But Aaron’s whole world is about to unravel. How could we send him home on an empty stomach? Did you see how much he finally ate? I just wished I could have gone back with him.”

  “You’ll go out to visit as soon as you can.”

  “I should have gone with him now. I’m his dad.”

  “There was no way you could have. Besides, Wayne will be there for him.”

  “I know. I’m just nervous about him going back to the house for the first time and then finding out about his girlfriend. He’s going to need a mature, stable adult to guide him.”

  “Do we know any?” Mindy sighed. Nothing hurt Artie worse than thinking he might be letting one of his kids down. “How about being grateful that God made sure he was with family when he found out his mom died? Plus, now he knows how much we all care about him.”

  “That doesn’t mean he won’t go crazy and do something stupid.”

  “Artie, give him time to deal. He’s very together for someone who’s been through so much. I think he’ll be okay.”

  “I hope you’re right. It’s just…I already miss him.”

  “Me, too. And I loved how he looked out for the kids right away like a real big brother.”

  “It was great…and did you know Jamie lent him her iPod for the flight home?”

  “Sweet! I just hope he’s a fan of Hilary Duff and High School Musical.”

  Artie laughed. These were the times he felt like Tevye the milkman on a bittersweet journey. First came the joy of getting to know his son, then the sorrow of having to see him go too soon. And was it necessary for God to make his financial burdens so heavy? If only he could have said, screw work. I’m going with my son.

  “Mom!” Stacie yelled. “Jamie took my retainer and said it’s hers, but I think she left hers on the cruise.”

  “Oh my God. Are you serious? I can’t take this anymore.”

  “And the bee-ach just called. She’s coming over.”

  Beth was coming over now? But it was so late.

  “I left something here last week.” Beth marched in without waiting for an invitation.

  “Okay.” Mindy followed her into the den, sorry she was wearing baggy sweats. Then again, Beth thought she was a sight for sore eyes no matter what she wore. “How did the vacation work out?” It felt strange trying to make chitchat.

  “We got through it.” She looked under the couch. “Did you guys have fun?”

  “It was great, yeah. Really memorable…. What did you lose?”

  “Nothing. Never mind. I must have misplaced it somewhere else. Oh, screw it! The truth is,” she hesitated, “I didn’t lose anything. I came over to talk to you. I was afraid to call from the house because my girls might hear, and I sure as hell am never e-mailing you again. I needed to let you know I can’t drive this week.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I know what you’re thinking, but just remember how many times I helped you out.”

  “I have no problem helping you; it’s just that I’m working three days this week.”

  “What about Nadine or your mom?”

  “Nadine’s son has his big music audition at Indiana and they’re flying out tomorrow, and my mom is still in Florida.”

  “Artie?”

  “It’s going to be so crazy at the store…where are you going anyway?”

  “I’m taking a leave of absence.”

  “Isn’t that for teachers who go out on maternity?”

  “Look. You obviously know things are not great at my house. I just need time to think. Did you gain more weight on your trip?”

  “Wow. You never give up. Yes, but I’ll spin the wheel and pick a diet. I can lose it the Mediterranean way, the French-don’t-get-fat way, the Jenny way…”

  “What about just eating sensibly and taking a brisk walk every day…and take your girls with you.”

  “Beth, oh my God. You are so mean.”

  “No, I’m honest…and believe me, I know how they’ll suffer if they have to spend their teen years hiding under baggy clothes. The world is a cruel place.”

  “It’s a cruel place because people like you think they have the right to judge.”

  “I don’t judge. I sympathize. I was fat all through high school. Bubba Beth they called me.” She blew out her cheeks.

  “No way.”

  “If I hadn’t burned the pictures, I could have proved it to you.”

  “Well you’d never know it.”

  “Because I work at it constantly…and trust me, I could out eat even you. So before you go pay good money to one of those diet places, at least try my way.”

  “Your way. The Beth diet.”

  “Yes. Couldn’t be more simple. Don’t confuse a fork with a shovel, eat real food not chemistry experiments from a box, drink a gallon of water every day, eat only things you enjoy but in small portions, eat every meal on a salad plate, don’t ever eat while walking, driving, or standing over a sink, and get out there and walk every single day. I promise you’ll never be fat again.”

  “You make it sound so easy.”

  “It is. It’s the rest of life that’s a bitch!”

  Mindy hesitated. This was the most personal they’d ever been. “What are you and Richard going to do now?”

  “Not sure…I’m on my way to a friend’s house in the Hamptons to think things out.”

  “With that man in the Mercedes?” she guessed.

  Beth looked away, red as the peppers on her list of approved foods.

  Ten

  Taking the kids to see the Ringling Brothers Circus was a cherished family tradition, and though every year there was great anticipation to see the latest death-defying stunts, Mindy still thought the best act was watching the plate spinners jump from pole to pole. How carefully they choreographed their steps, knowing one slight miscalculation would cause the delicate balancing act to reel out of control. Just like life. One ill-timed move could bury you under the rubble of broken hearts. Oh, how she related!

  She felt so bad for Artie, who returned to work determined to get a handle on his business problems, only to be met by a pile of bills, an angry customer who wasn’t fitted properly, and two police detectives investigating his manager who had been arrested.

  She felt awful for Aaron, who was at the threshold of a new chapter in his life, one fraught with adult problems, but without benefit of a sober adult to guide him. When Artie had called to make sure he’d arrived safely at Wayne’s, Aaron told him that no, Artie couldn’t speak to his uncle because he’d apparently been on a bender and was passed out
on the kitchen floor, but could he borrow one hundred and forty-three dollars to pay the electric bill so that he could have the lights turned back on?

  She felt pity for Beth’s children, who had been left in the precarious position of having to defend their mother’s good name without any understanding of what she was doing, or with whom.

  Richard, too, had her sympathy. He had run over early this morning with heartfelt apologies for having gotten them sucked into this craziness, but if they could help him out with the car pool that would be awesome because his ad agency had been pitching a piece of Nike business, and the presentation was this week, and if they could also give him a hand with getting the girls to their after-school activities, dinner was on him.

  Mindy felt bad for Stacie, who’d found out that her best friend, Danielle, had been invited to three more bar and bat mitzvahs, making her total twenty to Stacie’s eight. So like any mother who felt her child’s pain, Mindy promised to text Stacie if any invitations had come for her while they were away, but there were none. Correction. There was one, in a big blue box, but it was for Jessica and put in their mail by mistake.

  Mindy even felt bad for Rhoda, who was bewildered by her husband’s crazy antics. And though she had threatened to throw the bum out, all she really wanted was for this tail wind to blow over so they could return to the days when she was boss and Stan agreed.

  Mostly Mindy felt sorry for herself. She had so wanted to participate in the Downtown Greetings’ contest, but with their lives under siege, and their checkbook in need of a winning lottery ticket, how could she justify spending money on airfare and hotel when they were already swimming in debt and still owed money toward the kids’ camps?

  Time to resort to her trusty allies, Chips Ahoy and the deep, meditative state where she would visualize being at a secluded spot by the ocean, smelling the salt air, feeling the cool breeze, listening to the soothing waves, and holding Mr. Waspy’s head underwater.

  Too bad she didn’t have the survival instincts of Bill Clinton, a man who could decompartmentalize his worries like dividers in a sock drawer. She, unfortunately, was more the Monica type, imbibing in food, drink, and folly to put herself out of her misery. But before she could raid the pantry, she got a text message from Nadine.

  so mad gonna be away 4 ur pb party…wanted new coach bag w/scarf…look 4 me

  And there it was. The first plate to crash. This wasn’t just a text message. It was a reminder that weeks ago Mindy had agreed to host a pocketbook party for her neighbor Karen, and it was scheduled for tomorrow evening.

  Yes she would get to pick out a free bag in exchange for her hospitality, but it would only be a fake, and was she that anxious to carry a look-alike designer pocketbook that she was willing to turn over her den to twenty cake-eating neighbors on a school night?

  Not to mention, Stacie had warned her mom not to try passing off the free bag to her as compensation for babysitting Jamie and Ricky, as the bitchy girls at school could spot a knock-off from down the hall and wouldn’t hesitate to inspect it for authenticity. “Ew. The stitching is crooked, and duh, everyone knows Chanel only has one n.”

  Mindy didn’t have the patience to chat by text and called Nadine back. Maybe she would have some advice on how to get out of this party obligation.

  “What should I do?” Mindy asked. “Karen will kill me if I back out last minute, especially since David keeps telling her she’s a terrible businessperson, but we just got home, and I have so much to do and I hate Karen’s friends. They all think they’re such hot shit because they drive around in little sports cars and have husbands who are afraid of them.”

  “I don’t get why can’t she do this at her house? It’s huge.”

  “That’s the problem. Every time people see how big it is, they don’t end up buying very much because they’re sitting there wondering what the hell she’s doing selling pocketbooks.”

  “Yeah. What the hell is she doing selling pocketbooks? She doesn’t need the money.”

  “That’s what I thought, but she told me that David keeps her on a very tight budget and she was just tired of having to answer to him every time she went shopping.”

  “They’re on a tight budget? What does that mean exactly? That they put in regular gas when they fill up their BMWs and the boat?”

  “I don’t know…not my problem. But what do you think I should do?”

  “Maybe tell her that Ricky got lice on the cruise. She’ll cancel in a heartbeat. But forget about that. Fill me in. What’s the story with Beth? I heard she hooked up with some rich plastic surgeon. Did she really leave Richard?”

  For as many years as she and Nadine had gossiped about her annoying next-door neighbor, now that Mindy had been brought into her confidence, it felt wrong to betray her. Not that Beth didn’t deserve the slap in the face after years of being a neighbor abuser.

  But no time for chitchat as a second plate was crashing. Stacie was sending her a message from school, in spite of the rule banning cell phones. Didn’t matter. She, like every other kid, thought nothing of text messaging all day long to complain about unfair teachers and which kids were being mean.

  MOM y didnt u text me! I need 2 no if IM invited 2 Justin Weinbergs…Danielle thought I was but then Tracy sed her mom sed that Justins mom had 2 cut the list so shes not sure

  Mindy didn’t dare tell Stacie that no invitations had come in the mail. Not only would this break her daughter’s heart, she’d probably go and bomb her math test next period, and if she didn’t keep up her A average, Mr. Beller might not recommend her for the honors class next year, and then she’d cry that all her friends would think she was an idiot.

  Mindy decided to lie and say she hadn’t gotten to the post office yet and not everyone received things on the same day. Maybe it would be in tomorrow’s mail. At least this would keep the plate spinning a little while longer. But wait. Was that the sound of another one falling?

  “Oh, thank God you’re home.” Artie called from the store. “You are not going to believe the call I just got.”

  “Any chance it was Publishers Clearinghouse?”

  “I need you to get me on a flight to Portland either tonight or first thing tomorrow. Aaron just called. Turns out Wayne wasn’t drunk when he got home. He was dead!”

  “Oh my God! He was dead? What does that mean?”

  “What do you mean what does that mean?” Artie screamed. “Why do you have such a hard time with this concept? His mother’s gone, Walter’s gone, and now Wayne. He has no one left in the whole friggin’ state of Oregon to care for him other than some pregnant chick who may expect him to drop out of school so he can support them. That’s what it means!”

  “Okay, okay. I’m sorry. I’m in shock, too. Start over. Tell me what happened.”

  “I don’t have time. It’s crazy here. Some lady from the child welfare agency took Aaron back to her office and is waiting for me to get back to her with my flight information.”

  “Does she know about the baby?”

  “Mindy, I don’t even know if he knows about the baby.”

  “Okay, but how is he? Was he singing?”

  “I don’t know. I only spoke to him for a minute before he handed the phone to the lady…. God, this is such a nightmare. Everyone who raised him is dead from an overdose….”

  “I know this might sound crazy, but maybe I should go instead of you. Who’s going to manage the store if you’re gone?”

  “James.”

  “You didn’t fire him? He was arrested and he stole a store deposit.”

  “He’s getting me the money back. Just get me a flight.”

  “Artie…wait. Hear me out. You’re not good with this stuff. You get so emotional.”

  “Would you stop? He’s my responsibility. I’ll be fine. Maybe call your mom to see when she’s getting back from Florida. If she can watch the kids, you can at least open and close the store, make the deposits…”

  “…do the laundry, the food shoppi
ng, all the car pooling, work at your dad’s office, have a pocketbook party…”

  “What pocketbook party?”

  “Never mind. You just gave me the perfect out…. Rest in peace, Wayne.”

  Mindy wanted to call Beth but was hesitant, just as she was when she had to call the pediatrician in the middle of the night. She never wanted to be thought of as one of those panicky mothers who didn’t know the difference between a routine question and a serious medical emergency. But then she thought screw it. Her crisis trumped Beth’s hands down.

  “I was actually going to call you,” Beth said.

  “You were?”

  “Yeah. Did you get that e-mail from Downtown Greetings?”

  “I have no idea. I haven’t had two seconds to pee let alone check my mail. It’s been such a wild morning. Do you mind my asking where you are?”

  “I told you. In the Hamptons…at a friend’s house. That’s all I’m going to say!”

  “Look, I’m not trying to be nosy. I’m asking because I have some really crazy stuff going on here and I can’t do all the driving myself. I need your help.”

  “Oh, please! I can see right through your little ruse. Richard put you up to this.”

  “No he didn’t. This has nothing to do with him. Artie has a six a.m. flight tomorrow to Portland because when Aaron got back he found out his uncle died, and that was after finding out a few days before that his mother died, and we don’t think he knows that he may have gotten this girl pregnant, and then our store manager was arrested over the weekend for—”

  “You’re babbling, Mindy, and I have no idea what any of it has to do with me, but I am not coming back yet.”