“Maybe if I’d called him, or he’d called me, or if I’d just answered the phone when it rang… maybe I could’ve saved my brother. I could’ve saved Jaime, but I was too busy with work. My brother could wait until it was convenient for me…”
My voice caught, I had to fight not to cry, but a tear slid down my cheek anyway. Alexi lifted his hand and caressed it away, comforting me and holding me up when I didn’t know if I could go on any further. I bottled this pain up and kept it locked away so no one could see what a failure I’d been.
“I was called to the scene of a DOA in a vacant boat slip on the edge of the swamp. It was clear that whoever dumped the body had expected the alligators to take care of it for them. We couldn’t investigate a murder when the body had been eaten. Apparently, the old man wanting to set off to fish at three am had seen it, called it in and dragged it away from the swamp before the hungry alligator eyeing it could snap it up. I was a cocky ass Detective, called out at three am and in a bad mood. When I saw the body…” Squeeze.
“When I saw the body I was horrified. I don’t know how long I stood there just looking at his face. Even purple and swollen, I knew that face. I didn’t want to know that face, but I did.
“I remember a seasoned Detective coming up to me and telling me I’d finally earned my SVU wings. I didn’t know what he meant at the time. He meant that the cocky attitude of a young new detective was washed away and I finally saw the special victim in someone I knew. Now the job was more important because, not only was I solving a special victim’s case, but I knew what special victims were.
“I never told anyone he was my brother, no one on the force anyway. I volunteered to go to the funeral, to show a police presence, but I should have stepped away. I should never have had anything to do with his case. Yes, I closed that case, it was easy to know who’d done the murder. Lee Bouchet hadn’t even tried to wiped the fingerprints off the belt he tied around Jamie’s neck. He left his semen on Jamie’s body. He stabbed Jamie through the chest and the knife was stuck in his body. He couldn’t get it out. It was covered in his fingerprints, there was no doubt in anyone's mind, including his own Attorney’s, that one, he was a complete idiot, and two, he killed Jamie…” Squeeze and another caress across my cheek.
“I wasn’t there for Jamie. I didn’t help my baby brother when he reached out to me. I knew what kind of man he was seeing and I didn’t go to him. I didn’t save his life. One decision changed my whole life, and ended Jamie’s. I don’t know how to live with that guilt. I’m trying to, and I hope you can understand why I have some of the rules I do.
“Okay. Now we talk about the rules. There will be more as we go on. This will be the first Dom/sub relationship I’ve had since Jamie died, and I’ll try to go easy at first, but these are the most important rules. The ones you cannot break. No playing around. No being bratty and going against them because I’m being too controlling. These are concrete rules that you will not break. Do you understand that?” I gave him a hard look, hoping he really understood what I was saying.
“I understand. I won’t break these rules. Although, I may break some of the other rules, I understand that these I can’t break.” I looked in his eyes and saw the truth. He may have tried to lighten the mood a little with his taunting, but he was serious when he said he understood.
“Rule number one: I will get you a phone and the only number on that phone will be mine. You will keep it with you at all times, and you absolutely have to answer it. This phone has a new security setting the techies have come up with. If you hold down the number two button for thirteen seconds it will send a text to my phone that you’re in trouble and I will come for you. It has GPS capabilities, but it looks like a cheap burner phone you can get at any gas station. It has a case to be worn inside your belt or pants. Hidden, but not hidden. It’s ratty looking enough that if you’re grabbed for some reason, they won’t think it has GPS and probably won’t destroy it like they would a newer phone. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Patron. I understand.”
Him calling me Patron did wonderful things for me. It made me want to sit up straighter and swell with pride. I knew he may not like some of the other rules. One was easy. We’d see what he thought of the others.
“Rule number Two: You’ll stay where I tell you to stay. If I tell you not to leave the house, you don’t. If we go out, you stay beside me at all times. In the precinct, or the club. I don’t care. You stay where I tell you. Once this case is over we can discuss this rule further, but for now I want to know where you are at all times.”
I tried to make my voice portray how important to me this one was, as I watched his face. I was serious with my rules, and I needed him to understand that I meant business.
*************
Alexi
Oh, my God. I wanted to say yes immediately because I wanted to make him happy. I knew I needed to really think this one through, weigh up his concerns and my feelings. He lost his brother, of course he felt responsible. This being his first attempt at both a relationship and going undercover after his brother’s death would already have a normal man on high alert, but with him being a Dom he would be twice as controlling. I realized that this was more than just an undercover mission. I had to realize how hard this was for him to reach out again after so much pain. Could I really do this? Deal with this heavy-handed security? I looked into his eyes and I saw desire, yes, but I also saw a man wanting to reach out to me, to protect me.
“Yes, Patron, I understand.”
My eyes never broke contact with his and it must have shown my seriousness, because he relaxed, just a little.
“Rule number Three: You do not open doors. You wait for me. Not just car doors, but all doors. And you do not open the front door if I am not here. This rule is non-negotiable.”
I could see the fear in his eyes. He thought I wouldn’t understand why he needed this. That it would be too restrictive. I saw the sense in not opening the door when home alone. I knew why he needed it and why he told me about his brother first. I could do it if it helped him feel more in control. I knew I could.
“I may forget, Patron. Not on purpose, but opening doors while out and about will be harder to remember. I’m being honest with you, I will try to remember to wait for you to open the doors. But I can promise you, I will not answer the door when you are not home.”
I felt his sigh. It seemed that my agreeing had released some of his tension.
“You will be reprimanded if you forget. And of course, there will be punishments to help you remember when you do.”
His eyes were boring into mine again. He may have relaxed a little, but he was still a commanding presence.
“This will cause you some embarrassment at work. I know you’ll have to act a certain way there. I will be lenient during that time so you aren’t so uncomfortable. I will be your Patron, Boy. I will not interfere with your job. But you will remember the rules.” Nodding my head, I showed my acceptance.
“Rule number Four: When with me, around these members of The Osiris Circle...” The disgust in his voice was strong.
“You will be on your absolute best behavior. I do not want to have to punish you in front of them. But I will if I have to, and it will not feel good. I know in lieu of a safeword at the club you use the stoplight colors: green, yellow, and red. I usually use the same, but when we’re around these people I will not accept any kind of safeword. We both have to keep up appearances. Do you understand? I want you to behave completely cowed by my authority over you. We cannot make mistakes with them. There will be things you have to do to keep our cover in place. I will try to limit what we do in front of them and be absolutely possessive and controlling of you. You must remember to do exactly what I say, when I say it. Immediately.”
“Yes, Patron. I understand. I know this won’t be fun and games for either of us. I understand and I will obey you. I need you to understand also, that as much as a public punishment in front of these people will
hurt me, I do know it will hurt you just as much. I won’t hold them against you, Patron. They’re not the acts of my Patron, but the acts of a police officer trying to shut down a cult of sexual deviants that we both want stopped. The things that you’ll have to do, won’t be done to your Boy. I know the difference between a real Dom and someone parading around as one. I know a real Dom punishes with love and trust, not real torture and pain. I’ll remember that even if you're doing something I don’t like or something that hurts, you’re still doing this with the love and trust of a real Dom. You’re doing it to protect me from them, and all the subs that are being kept against their will.
“That’s the difference I know going in. So don’t think that I’ll hate you afterwards. I know the reasons behind your actions, and I also know that I’m a good actor. I can scream and moan and cry, beautifully.”
That last bit I told him was to comfort him. I knew what we were going into. It wouldn’t be easy, but I knew it was for the greater good, and I’d been through worse.
I shut that memory down quickly and painfully, hoping he hadn’t sensed it. I should’ve known better. He already told me he’d been watching me. So, he knew my tells. I hadn’t been able to keep from freezing up at that moment.
“Rule number Five: You must be honest with me at all times, even when it’s just the two of us. Especially when it’s just the two of us, because I have to know you’re okay. I also need to know why you just flinched. I wish I could lie and tell you it’s for the job, but I have to live by this rule, same as you do. Yes, I want to know what happened for the job, to know what your triggers are. I need to know you, Alexi. I want to know everything there is to know about you. I can tell this isn’t a story you want to tell. If you need to wait until we’re closer, I’ll try and wait. This is new to both of us. It would be unfair of me to sit down and demand very personal things from you right away. Now, why are you smiling at me like that?”
The confusion in his voice made me laugh a bit.
“I’m smiling because what you’ve just said proves my point. This is what a real Dom does. This is what makes you different than the sleaze bags we’re trying to stop. You want to know right this minute, but you hold back so I won't be uncomfortable. You care about my feelings, and try not to push too far. You’re right, I don’t want to share this story, but you didn’t want to share yours either, so it’s only fair.” I hold up my hand, stopping him before he can disagree.
“It’s only fair, Patron. You shared with me, now I need to share with you. My story is not as devastating as yours. Much more in common with other subs I guess. My first Dom was also my first boyfriend. I wasn’t out of the closet yet, or at least I hadn’t actually told anyone. They knew it, of course, I just wasn’t ready to say the words to my family.
“Mark wasn’t a real Dom. He tried to be, but it just wasn’t working like he thought it should. We were both new when it came to being boyfriends, as well as learning the BDSM culture. We didn’t really know what we were doing, or how to be in a Dom/sub relationship. I mean we were just eighteen, away for our first year of college, experimenting with different things, different lifestyles. I liked Mark, but he wasn’t the love of my life. I didn’t know how long we’d last. He was just fun, or he started out that way.
“I guess I was failing to give him whatever it was he wanted. Mark was already showing signs that he was extremely possessive when we first started dating. I saw it, but didn’t think anything about it. It was just the way he was, but I felt it more and more every day. He started to scare me with it, so I tried to break it off. That was the absolute worst thing I could have done. He went postal. I mean he flipped out. Started ranting that I was cheating on him and I just needed to be shown that he was my Master, then I’d never leave him. I tried to leave, but he was bigger than me and he pushed me into the corner of his room where he’d hooked up some bondage stuff when we first started messing around. Spreader bars and chains were attached to the ceiling. I’d thought that was so cool when we first started dating, but now? I was fucking terrified.
“He kept talking to himself as he manhandled me until my hands were cuffed over my head. He attached me to a chain and ceiling hook so he could turn me any way he wanted. Then, he placed the spreader bar on my ankles. I tried to kick at him, but he was really strong. He was on something, he had to be. He was all hyped up and couldn’t hear me beg him to stop.
“He was steadily talking to himself. How I just needed to be shown. I would be the best sub ever, but he had to show me he was a Dom. Then I would never leave him. I would never leave, and he would love and take care of me forever.”
Sighing rather loudly, I held still for a moment with my eyes closed. I felt Lucas lace our fingers together and squeeze my hand. Opening my eyes, I could see him looking at me, the soft look on his face gave me the strength to finish the story.
“I have no idea what he was on, he’d started taking some stuff to help him study. He always seemed to be rushing, moving faster than normal. I didn’t think anything of it because tons of students took stuff to help them study. They weren’t violent. But whatever he was on, whatever was going on with him… I’m sorry to say I never really noticed it. I was just in this relationship for fun and a few good times. At some point in time Mark had started thinking forever, when all I wanted was a fling.
“Anyway, I wanted no part of it, and I begged him to stop. It’s like he didn’t even hear me. I’d never been so scared in my life. He pulled the coffee table closer to me and started putting things on it.” I was gasping for breath and squeezing my eyes closed, not wanting to go on, but I knew I had to. Lucas picked me up and put me on his lap, shushing me like a baby, rubbing his hand up and down my back.
“Bebe`, you don’t have to t...” He started to say before I cut him off.
“Yes, Patron, I do. I haven’t talked about it since the cops took my statement. I know what all the therapists would say, but I compartmentalized it. Shoved it to the back of my mind and tried to ignore it, like it never happened. Sometimes the box creaks and trembles, like it all wants out. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it shut. So, if I tell you, if I can safely open the box, maybe I can handle it with you.”
I felt Lucas nod his head, felt him hold me just a little tighter. I pushed my face against his chest so it would be easier for me to say the rest.
“I watched as he pulled out toys I’d never even seen in person before, much less felt them used on me. We’d messed around, picking out what might be fun to play with. I was looking at the different whips, paddles, wax kits and sex tape, but when he pulled out a razor, I wasn’t just fighting against the cuffs, I was screaming. He jumped up and slapped me across the face. It was the first time I’d ever been hit in anger and it shocked me. I was dazed, barely managing to stay upright with the spreader bar between my feet. I guess he thought I was cowed because he went back to talking to himself and putting things on the coffee table. I knew if I screamed again, he’d hit me. I didn’t know if anyone heard my initial screaming. I didn’t even bother to try and talk to him. He was so far gone, I was terrified he was going to kill me. I tried hard to get out of the cuffs, but I just couldn’t.
“He stood and looked through me, he didn’t even see me standing in front of him. I don’t know what he was seeing, but it wasn’t me, and I had no idea what to do. He reached up and lovingly caressed my face. ‘You’ll see. Once I show you what a good Dom I am, then you’ll be with me forever. I don’t want to lose you baby. I won’t stand for it. This will fix it, yes.’ Then he turned me to face the wall.
“He hurt me. It was like he was trying to beat something out of me. Whips that shredded my clothes off my chest, back and thighs. Turning me around every time he changed a tool so I wouldn’t know what he would use next. Paddles that left deep tissue bruises on my chest, thighs, my ass and back. I could feel blood on my chest and back from the cuts that had started to bleed because of the whips. It wasn’t until he started to cut the remnant
s of my clothes off that I became out of my mind with fear. I didn’t know if he was going to cut me with that razor or if it was just to cut off my clothes. He turned me around to face him. I screamed so much and so loud I couldn’t figure out why no one had called the cops yet. I found out later that no one who might have been close enough to hear had come back from class yet. When they finally had multiple calls come in and the cops on campus were called, no one knew what was happening. But the cops responded ten minutes after the first call.
“Mark looked me in the eye, and I can still see his face. It was how I think spiritual delight would look. Rapture or whatever. He told me with joy in his voice that I had been reborn and now I was his.
Out of the Ashes (Trust Book 2) Page 6