“It’s her heart, Emme. It’s growing weary. She was complaining of shortness of breath. She called me instead of 911, stubborn woman. So I dispatched an ambulance right away.” Rose was a doctor at Bay Ridge Regional, our town’s only hospital, and was always there for my Gram when she needed help. “She is experiencing heart failure.”
She was doing that thing she did ever since she became a doctor; she was talking to me like a patient. I absolutely hated it. I didn’t like to be babied, especially by my best friend.
“Shit, Rose, spit it out. What the hell is going on?”
“She’s dying, and if you want to say your goodbyes, then get your ass on a plane as soon as you can.”
“Okay,” I whispered and hung up. I looked at my friends and tears slipped down my face unexpectedly. “My Gram is sick. I have to go.”
Two
My leave of absence was emailed and approved by noon the next day, which was great timing since I found a flight leaving at three. I packed a small carry-on bag, thinking my stay wouldn’t be too long. I packed a week’s worth of clothes and my necessities into the bag: laptop, toiletries, make-up, and reading material. My hands shook as I slid the zipper closed. I stopped packing and took a breath, willing them to stop, but they didn’t listen.
Harmony and Dawn were at the sorority house celebrating the awesome 5k they put on. Instead of participating that morning, I had been busy typing my leave of absence email and talking to Rose about Gram’s steady decline. She was now in ICU and in a coma. Rose swore up and down that she was comfortable, but I couldn’t imagine Gram being comfortable with tubes down her throat and in her arms. I shivered at the thought of seeing her like that.
Gram was tough as nails. She was raised in Maine, and her family lived in a small cabin that did not have indoor plumbing, a heater, or air conditioning. Her family stayed warm by a fire on cold nights and cooled down at the lake on hot summer days. She always told me stories about growing up in that small cabin.
“All five of us would share a room,” she’d explain. “My mother and father had their own room, but us kids had to share. I didn’t mind at all. I liked sleeping together with them, especially in the winter. We would snuggle up and stay toasty that way.”
Her accent was thick, just like most of the townspeople. Our town was a well-known fishing and harbor town, and most passersbys would remark on how funny we spoke. Gram would tell them that no one talked funny but the flatlanders—her name for all non-Maine folks—and they’d laugh like they knew what she meant.
I took my bag and heaved it over my shoulder. I left a note for the girls and didn’t look back at my room. I would be back to see it soon. Gram would recover, and I would come back and finish school. Then my plans would remain. My life was just on pause.
****
The plane made a soft humming sound when we reached our altitude, and I was thankful for it. The constant engine noise was grating on my nerves. I pulled out a book that Gram had given me, and I held it in my hands caressing the cover. It brought back a memory of reading in Gram’s library.
Her building was not always a library. Before Gram bought it, which was years before I was born, it was the home of Mr. Harold Lockhart. Harold was a scientist, and the house was befitting of a man of science. It was built very strangely. The top half was his private home and the bottom his lab and perfume store.
I always thought it was strange that a scientist would also sell perfume, but Gram told me that he sold other things. Then, as a child, I never understood fully what she had meant. But now as a grown woman I knew that Mr. Lockhart would sell medicinal supplies and probably things no doctor would ever prescribe. From what I understood, he was a very profound and admired scientist until his death in the late seventies. It was before his death that he gave Gram the house. At first, she moved in to the top and sold books in the bottom half. Gram had always had a love affair with books. She told me once that she loved books more than my grandpa loved the sea. He owned his own fishing boat, and it was there that he spent a lot of his time. I never met him because the summer of 1987 he died at sea, leaving my dad fatherless and Gram a widow.
She then turned the book store into a library. Times were hard in Bay Ridge and people had a hard time buying books. Gram decided our town needed the written word, so she became the only town librarian. She was needed in our boring town. I grew up there and relied on books as my escape from harsh winters and hot boring summers. I know most of the town relied on her then, and still did.
My eyes began to close, and instead of diving into the pages of my book, I fell asleep.
“Folks, I’d like to let you know we have reached the Bangor airport. It’s a cold night out there, so be sure to bundle up,” the Captain said, waking me from a dream. I wiped my mouth and felt drool on my chin. I looked around and noticed most people did the same. Oh well, I guess I wasn’t the only drooler on this flight. I looked out of the window and noticed the snowy ground below. It sure wasn’t great to be back. I left California and it was seventy degrees, and I come here and it’s literally freezing. Fabulous.
I departed the plane and found a rental car company that was willing to rent a car to someone my age. The girl behind the desk handed me keys to a small two door car. Was she kidding me?
“I need an SUV; it’s snowing outside!” I informed her as she rolled her eyes. I know it had been years since I had driven in the snow, but I could have handled the roads. I just didn’t want to drive a small compact car in this crap.
She typed something and informed me there was a bigger car on the lot.
“Great! I’ll take it.”
As I stood staring at the minivan, I literally ate my words.
“Shit,” I said to myself. I climbed in and started up the mommy-van. To my surprise it ran pretty smooth as I made my way onto the interstate. I wouldn’t be racing anyone anytime soon, but it took the snowy roads pretty well.
As I watched the snow fall around me and kept an eye out for moose on the road, I was reminded of the day my parents died. The night was so similar. I was tucked into bed while Gram babysat me so my parents could go out on a much needed date.
They hadn’t been on one in so long, and I can still remember my mom asking Gram if she wouldn’t mind watching me. I brushed my Barbie’s hair while Mom did hers in a pretty bun. Her black hair always hung down around her face, so to see her face for once, free of hair, was so amazing.
“Mommy, you’re beautiful,” I had told her.
She scooped me up and said, “But you are more beautiful and fairer than any in the land.” My mom always told me stories of distant lands where princesses lived and waited for their prince. In all of the stories, I was the princess. “Now come on. We have to get you to Gram’s.”
The roads weren’t bad that night, not from my recollection, but the snow was heavy. My mom and dad looked so happy as I watched them get into their car and wave goodbye to me. I waved back, not knowing that I would never see them again. Gram became my mom and dad in one night. She took me in and cared for me after they died, and I’ll never forget how she remained so strong. Even after the funeral when I would cry, she’d say, “You’re mom and dad are not gone forever. You’ll see them again someday. No crying because you must be strong and live this life that they gave you. You are a gift, and they would want you to live each day thankful for what you have and who you will someday be.”
I’ll never forget her words, and I still didn’t. As I made my way to Bay Ridge, I wondered how in the world a strong woman like Gram could leave this world. My Gram was tough, no one else in our town was tougher. I knew she would be just fine and make it out of the hospital and back into the library soon. She just needed to get her heart fixed, that’s all.
My phone buzzed at that same moment.
“Rose?” I answered with my freezing hands.
“Where are you, Emme? The weather is getting kind of rough here,” she said.
“I’m about an hour out. How is Gram doing?”
“Emme, she’s not getting any better. She is still in a coma. We’re doing all we can to make her comfortable, but she has strict rules for how she wants to spend her last days. I need you to get here so we can discuss them.”
Ugh, she was doing that doctor thing again.
“Rose, I know you’re trying to prepare me and all, but I have a feeling Gram will be fine.”
“Emme,” Rose whispered, “I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation. Your gram isn’t going to get better. She is declining, and she asked us not to keep her alive on machines. I mean, don’t you understand what I’m saying to you?”
Anger coursed through me now as I gripped the steering wheel. I tried really hard not to lose it on Rose, but I didn’t think she understood. She had parents still, who she saw every day.
“Rose, I understand. I’m not a child, but I’m trying to stay positive. Do you think this is easy for me? I’m losing the last family member I have left. I’ll be…I’ll be alone.” I pulled the car into a turnout and took heavy breaths as the tears threatened to come. “I need to go. I can’t focus on the road while I cry.” I hung up on my friend and got back on to the road. I had to get to Gram and make sure she made it through this.
Three
Finally I made it to Bay Ridge and saw the welcome sign even through the heavy snow. I could instantly smell the salty air as I rolled down the window. It had been a long time. I had to smell it, but the snow was getting in and all over me so I rolled it back up.
Turning onto the main road, I saw the hospital leering in front of me.
Dread. I felt it as I got closer. The town was asleep as it usually was this early in the morning. The sun was just coming up over the roofs of the buildings and houses.
It was a small town. There were only three traffic lights, but it was growing. I could see that as I drove through. There was a coffee shop that hadn’t been there before and a new sandwich shop. As I turned the corner to the hospital, I saw new construction going in. They had levelled out quite a bit of forest to build God-only-knows-what. The sign read: JR Builders, bringing you brighter tomorrows.
“Ugh,” I moaned. The last thing the town needed was a strip mall. Sure, the little kids here would enjoy a new movie theatre and bowling alley, but would they really like a new mall?
Just by thinking that made me a traitor. I had packed up and moved away as soon as I graduated, and my new life was surrounded by buildings and malls. I had left this small town behind, and now I wasn’t in the position to say what was right or wrong. I was an outsider now.
I pulled into the hospital parking lot and parked the van. Stretching my legs felt so good as I walked into the main entrance. I felt fine until I saw Rose coming to meet me. As soon as I saw her face, I lost it, falling into her arms and crying. She cried too as she held me tightly. I didn’t know how much I missed my friend until that moment. We talked frequently, but I didn’t realize she would look so damn grown up.
“I’m so sorry if I sounded insincere earlier. I just …” she sobbed softly. “I just didn’t want you to think the impossible.” She pulled away from me and looked me in the eyes. “She’s dying, Emme. We’ve removed a lot of the tubes, to make her comfortable.”
I nodded and didn’t say a word because what could I say? There were no words that would save Gram, and I had come here hoping beyond hope that Gram would pull through.
I followed her to ICU and wiped my tears with the back of my hand. The hospital was quiet, save for a few beeps and nurses talking.
Rose opened the door to the ICU and in we went. My hands were betraying me as they shook nervously. There lay Gram on the first bed to my right.
I wasn’t prepared to see Gram’s frail body spread out on the tiny hospital bed. Her once black and gray hair was now as white as snow. Her strong face was slack and pale. Her once firm hands were covered with tubes and looked gray. Her color was all wrong. She was bright and lively the last time I saw her; now she was faded.
She looked dead already, and a chill went through me at seeing her like this. When my parents died in the car accident, I never had to see them like this. My last thoughts of them were vibrant and alive. Now my last moments with Gram would not be. Would I always think of this moment when I thought of her?
I rushed to her side and held her hand gently, afraid she would break. I rubbed her hand tenderly, and for the first time ever I was wracked with the guilt of leaving her here alone. When I left a year ago, I didn’t look back. I was so selfish. How could I leave her here? She had no one to take care of her, and when she needed me most, I was shopping for underwear.
I hated myself in that moment, and it showed on my face because Rose grabbed me by the shoulders and said, “Now you knock that shit off right now, Emme. She wasn’t alone. She has the whole town here supporting her.”
“But, I left her. She was there when I was alone and parentless, and I left her. When she needed me, I was out in California being a pretentious little shit.”
Rose shook her head and laughed.
“You went away to school. I did too; I left. I was gone way longer than you were.”
It wasn’t the same, and she knew it. She went to school one state away and was home on weekends with her family. Rose was older than I was and of course had her career before me. When she went to college, I knew I wanted to go too. I always wanted to teach abroad and had a plan by my sophomore year. So when I graduated, I packed up my car and left this small town behind, and Gram too.
A nurse came in and interrupted our talk, but I didn’t mind. She whispered a few things to Rose, and her eyes grew wide.
“When did this happen?” Rose asked suddenly.
“When you were downstairs on break,” the nurse said hesitant.
Rose came to Gram’s bedside and checked her vitals and quickly flashed a light in her eyes. My heart was pounding as she did so. I was terrified at what this was all about.
“What is it?” I asked frantically.
“She said while I was downstairs, Mavis woke up and called out for you. She must be coming out of the coma.” Now my heart was really pounding. Could Gram possibly be getting better? Or was it a fluke. I had read once that when the body is dying the brain did strange things.
“Talk to her, Emme. She will hear you. She’s not brain dead; she’s just not strong enough to fight anymore,” Rose instructed me.
I leaned in and sat next to her body. It felt cold, so I pulled the blanket up higher. I ran my hands over her hair and said, “I’m here, Gram. I came all the way home. I won’t leave you again.” I cried and the tears slipped onto her. “I’m so sorry for leaving. I never intended to leave you alone. I only wanted to go to school.” I paused, waiting for her to wake up and reply to me. I shot a glance at Rose, and she ushered me to go on.
“I was driving here, and I was thinking about all the times we spent together in the library and how special you have made my life here. I can’t lose you, Gram. I’m not ready.” The sobs took over, and I bent down to cry. If I never got to hear her voice again, I would never forgive myself.
I felt her hand reach up and run through my hair. Looking up, I saw her dark brown eyes stare at mine. I smiled lightly.
She returned the smile and said, “Don’t you ever say foolish things, child. You’ve been my delight for all of these years. I’m so proud of you.” She stopped and coughed a horrible liquid sounding cough. Her eyes didn’t hold their usual light. She looked exhausted.
“She may have fluid in her lungs,” Rose said as she rushed to Gram’s side to do God-knows-what.
“No!” Gram said, hoarsely. “Enough. I’m ready to die.” She coughed again and seeing her like this wa
s tearing me apart. “I don’t want to be in anymore pain. Just let me go.”
I looked at Rose and had no idea what to do. She was obviously hurting with each cough.
“I can give you something for the pain, but Mavis, if you don’t let me clear that fluid, you’ll …”
“I’ll drown and die like my husband. So leave me be. I’ve signed my papers.” Gram had signed her DNR papers, but that didn’t mean Rose had to stand by and not treat her symptoms.
“Gram, Rose has a duty to treat your symptoms while you’re here. She can’t let you drown in your own fluid. What if you can make it out of this and go home?” I was always hopeful.
Gram’s eyes fluttered and Rose went to work. I stepped back and fell into the nurse’s arms as she ushered me out of the room so they could work. I couldn’t help but wonder if I would get a proper chance to say goodbye.
****
I woke up an hour or so later and blinked my eyes to find I was still in the waiting room, alone. Rose hadn’t come out to talk to me yet. I pulled myself upright and dug for my phone. There were no missed calls, so I shut it back down and threw it in my bag.
The sun was all the way up in the sky, and I stretched. I needed to see what was going on with Gram, but there was no one to talk to. I found a coffee machine and made myself a cup with extra sugar and no cream, because there wasn’t any. I braved the coffee and was surprised that it was good.
“There you are, Sleeping Beauty,” Rose said as she walked into the room. “I figured since we got your Gram settled and rested, I’d let you sleep.”
The Librarian Page 2