The Librarian

by Christy Sloat

  The door opened and there was no time to hide, so I hoped for the best.

  “The library is usually a quiet, oh dear!” It wasn’t Jack; it was a woman that I hoped to be his mother. Her gray curls were piled upon her head and her dress was a deep burgundy; she was beautiful and elegant. Her wide eyes looked startled at my appearance.

  “Hello,” I stated. There was no reason to freak out. If I did, then she would do the same. So my idea was to stay as calm as possible.

  “Hello, dear. May I inquire as to who you are? I’ve not seen you here before,” she asked so eloquently.

  Think fast, Emme.

  “Uh, I, uh,” I stuttered before landing my eyes on a Good Housekeeping book. The girl on the cover was plain and homely, but had a huge smile on her face like she was happy to be cleaning the house. I copied her smile and said, “I’m here to clean the library. I was just hired today, by Mr. Ridgewell.”

  This seemed to ease the lady before me as she nodded slightly and turned to her guests, a group of women the same age as herself.

  With a sigh she explained to them that the library wasn’t available.

  “We’ll have to go into the sitting room, ladies.”

  She didn’t give me another glance as she closed the door behind her, but she answered the question about my whereabouts. I was indeed in Jack’s home.

  I let out a breath after she left, not realizing that I was holding it. The last thing I needed was to be arrested and sent to jail for breaking and entering in this time. I never knew how long I would be here and spending that time in a cell wasn’t preferable.

  I wandered about the room, looking at all the books and thinking about the time when Jack brought me into the library in his other home. We had grown so close in such a short time. Falling in love didn’t have a time-frame, it just happened. For us, maybe fate had other plans.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t love him anymore; it was more like I loved him so much I wanted a different future for him. He was better without me in his life, but I had to make him see that, too. Once he did, he would understand. Learning what I did about Jenny made me realize that intruding in Jack’s life was wrong. I had a job to do, and I royally messed it up.

  “What are you doing here, Emmeline?” Jack asked in a sharp tone behind me.

  I twirled around and realized that this wasn’t going to be as easy as I previously thought.

  “I met your relative in my time, Jack,” I began. Saying “hello” and “how are you” wasn’t necessary. It was time to get to the point. “I learned about your future, Jack.”

  Jack fell into a large green velvet chair and took off his bowler hat. He ran his hand over his face that I now saw had grown a rather large beard and long side-burns.

  “Is he a good lad?”

  I nodded. “He is. He’s doing right by the town you created and honoring not only your memory, but your wishes. I know you asked me not to come back, but—”

  “Then, Emmeline,” he said sharply, interrupting me, “why are you back?”

  His eyes met mine and he looked tired.

  “I came to fix this hole between us. That I created. I wanted to tell you about what sort of man you become, Jack. I don’t want your hate for me to hurt your chances of happiness. You grow into a very bitter and angry man, Jack. You are just like the man you didn’t want to become.”

  “Stop,” he said quietly, but loud enough for me to hear. “Don’t you dare say that I am like my father. I am not bitter nor am I angered.”

  I sat down across from him in a matching chair.

  “You may not be yet, but that is what will happen to you. Jack, you’re angry with me, I get it. I’m angry with myself. But I had to do it. Don’t hate me because I wanted a different future for myself and for you.”

  His eyes tore away from mine, and I wanted to hold him against me, to feel his touch again. Instead, I refrained. He didn’t love me. He had admitted that the last time we were together. I have had time to come to grips with the truth, but it was still hard to be in his presence without feeling all the hurt again.

  “I came here to tell you that you have to open your heart to someone, eventually, Jack. I know that you didn’t love me,” I said as I choked back a sob. “But I did love you. Hell, I think I still do. I will let you get on with your life, but you have to live it to the fullest. You have to promise to love whoever you’re with, with all your heart.”

  He rolled his eyes.

  “I lied to you, Emmeline. When you left me, you broke my heart. You broke me in two.”

  So, Tarryn was right. He didn’t mean what he said. He did love me, and he was only being cruel so I stayed away. I tried not to smile at the fact that he did love me like I did him and to focus on my task.

  “And in doing so, Jack, I broke my own heart. Can’t you see that?”

  I reached across, what felt like a large divide, and took his hand in mine. I clenched my hand around his, but he didn’t reciprocate. I could feel the tense anger inside his fingers.

  “I never meant to do that to you. If I could change it, I would. You have to stop this, now. You have a chance at love, don’t ruin that for yourself. I get that you pushed me away, but don’t do that to everyone else in your life.”

  He sighed. “I had that chance with you, and it’s gone now. I shall never love again. That’s my solemn vow.”

  I shook my head in defiance. God, he was stubborn.

  “No, Jack. Don’t you see, in life we have small moments and we have a lot of them. Those small moments are what define us as human beings. They can break us, yes, but it’s how we rebuild ourselves after that makes the difference.” I hoped, no prayed, that what I was saying made sense to him. Tears ran down my face as I spoke. “I was but a small moment in your huge life, Jack. And you cannot let me be the only love you will experience. I can honestly say that you are my first love, but I hope that you won’t be the last.”

  His eyes grew dark as he locked them with mine.

  “You wish for me to fall in love with someone else? Does that mean you’ve found another?”

  I shook my head and willed him to see it my way. To see that life for us wasn’t over. We had full lives left to live and he was young, like me.

  “Jack, I haven’t found another. But I want you to. Can you see why?”

  He stood fast and ripped his hand from mine, as if it hurt to touch me. I was failing here, big time.

  “No, Emmeline. I cannot fathom why you would want that for me. When I fall in love for the first time, that’s it. No other can replace you. I want you with me here, every night. To live in this home beside me.”

  I felt like we were running in circles and getting nowhere fast. He wasn’t listening to reason, no matter what I said. I wondered if anything I said would get through to him. Was it awful of me that I got over our relationship so fast? Or was it the mature thing to do?

  I liked to think that because I knew he would succeed without me, it was easier to move on. If I stayed and gave into my feelings, I could erase him from history.

  “No, Jack. I’m too young to settle down and be a wife in this era. And you, you’re too young to settle for me. Life is just beginning for us,” I said between quiet tears. “This isn’t easy for me to do. You have to see that. I have a duty to fulfill as a Librarian and it took me coming all the way here to see that I can’t run away from that. And you can’t run away from love, either.”

  Up until I said that to him, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with my future. Seeing Jack stuck in his ways made me see that I absolutely didn’t want to be stuck on one possible future for myself. My life was beginning, and there were many possibilities for me.

  “I won’t let you waste away here in this big house all because of me,” I said firmly. “You’re acting like a stage one clinger, J
ack, and you have to learn to get over me. Pretend you never met me, whatever you have to do. Focus on what’s important.”

  I had to treat Jack like a stray dog that was better off without me, and dammit, I hated when that happened in movies. I hated when he did it to me. When he told me he didn’t love me was his way of protecting me. Well how did it feel, Jack?

  It really bothered me when people were mean to those they really cared for because they either couldn’t love them enough or they were shitty human beings. I was probably acting like both at the present moment.

  His hurt gaze wasn’t lost on me as I moved away from him and moved toward the window.

  “Just pretend you never met me, Jack. It’s easier that way,” I said, coldly. “You were right when I saw you the last time; I should have never come back.”

  I felt it, that pull from the other side and I closed my eyes ready to go back.

  “No, Emmeline, don’t go!”

  Thirty-One

  “So was he really hurt? And he really did love you?” Tarryn asked with concern. We were outside lying in the sunlight after closing the library before it hid behind the clouds. Our skin soaked up the vitamins and the warmth after a long work day. It could possibly be the last sunny day until the end of fall.

  I was telling her about my trip back and how awful it was. I didn’t tell her my original plans to leave Maine. I had cancelled everything that morning: college and moving. I would be staying in Maine because it was my home.

  Gram would want me to stay, and she would have been sorely disappointed if I ran away from my problems, again. I imagined that she was out there listening to me and Tarryn talk. She would have loved my new friends, and I liked to think that she’d be proud of what we did for the library.

  Even though Gram was gone, Tarryn, Becca, and Rose were my new family. I wouldn’t be leaving my family ever again.

  “He was more angry than hurt. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do,” I said as I put on my sunglasses. I had come back and cried myself to sleep. In fact I did that for the last three nights straight. I was just now able to talk about it. “I wish there was a way to make this whole thing better for him. I think that going back helped, though.”

  She nodded like she didn’t doubt it.

  “I bet he was able to see that you weren’t his only potential at happiness and he was able to be happy again, Emme. How will you find out?”

  “I have a plan.”

  My plan was showing up in an hour, and I needed to get dressed and out of my clothes from work. Tarryn and I headed upstairs where she made plans for her night and I got dressed. I chose a pair of jeans to ward off the mosquito bites and a black T-shirt. I pulled my curls down from my ponytail and they fell nicely onto my shoulders, luckily.

  I would admit that the prospect of hanging out with Jason made things with Jack easier. I didn’t expect him to be a boyfriend, but he was a new friend. He gave me hope that Jack wasn’t the only love I would be able to find. Even if things never went anywhere with Jason, I knew that I was doing something that I hardly did before: opened myself up. Jason knew Jack’s history and I would be able to see, tonight, if Jack ever changed.

  Jason’s car reminded me of California. It smelled like coconut and leather, and for some reason it brought back memories of college days. He was taking me somewhere that he claimed to be a surprise, so I sat back and let him drive the windy cliff roads. I looked out toward the ocean as he talked about new renovation projects in the works. I thought it was interesting that we both were in the business of preservation.

  “You look really pretty with your hair down,” Jason said, catching me off-guard.

  I smiled with a blush growing on my cheeks. “Thank you. I don’t wear it down much. Curly hair sucks.”

  “Nah, don’t say that. I like it. A lot.”

  Jason was flirting with me and I liked it. A lot.

  Now when I looked at him, I didn’t see Jack so much. Instead I saw Jason and what made him different from Jack. I loved his light blond hair and how he brushed it up in a sort of wave on top of his head. I adored his laugh and all the jokes he liked to tell me while we were driving. This guy was seriously full of life and had many interesting stories to tell. It kept the drive interesting while killing all nervousness inside me.

  Before long we were pulling into heavily wooded area that looked oddly familiar to me. I couldn’t place it, but I knew that I had been here before as a child. The wild blackberries growing along the entrance struck something inside me. A memory perhaps? Yes, that was it.

  It was a class field trip, before my parents died, and my teacher was excited to take us to a new museum that was now open to the public. I don’t remember much about the trip, but I do remember telling my parents about the wild blackberries that we ate on our hike around the property.

  We pulled into a parking space and I saw we were alone. The place was dead.

  “We’re here,” he announced as he took off his seat belt.

  “Is it closed?” I asked looking around for signs of life.

  He laughed. “It’s been closed down for years. But it’s a project of mine to reopen it to the public. She’ll be back and open for viewing in spring of next year, hopefully.”

  “Come on, I want to show you everything I can before it gets too dark.”

  I followed him down a long and windy pathway. The sun shone through the tops of the trees, and I knew it wouldn’t be long until night was upon us. I hoped he had a flashlight because I wasn’t going to find my way out of here without it.

  Jason grabbed my hand in his and laced his fingers with mine. Being with him came so natural, yet I felt bad about it. It was like I could feel Jack’s ghost with us, telling me to stop. I fought the feeling and held onto to Jason’s hand.

  We finally came to an opening in the trees where a beautiful house sat before us. I had seen this house on my field trip and one other time.

  “I know this house,” I said to him.

  “You must have come here on a field trip; I did too when I was a kid. I loved it. When it was closed and I learned the history of it and how it meant so much to my family, I had to reopen it.”

  Jason pulled me along with him as we walked up to the big, beautiful Victorian home. I looked down at our hands and realized they looked good together. It wasn’t lost on me how good it felt, but I tucked those feelings away.

  Instead I focused on the structure before me. The blue of the house had long since worn away, but the original windows were intact as were all the doors.

  “She’s a real beauty, isn’t she?”

  I nodded but found it hard to speak. I wasn’t just looking at any old house; I was looking at Jack’s house. The very house I had seen him only three nights before. So much had changed since then. Time warped a lot of the home, and I could see why they closed it down. It’s been falling apart over time.

  “I’ve been working hard to bring her back up to code and have her reestablished as a historical site for our town. People will be able to come and visit and do field trips like they used to. We need a little bit of history here still, don’t you agree?”

  I swallowed the lump of sorrow and pride in my throat. I was incredibly mournful now that I stood by the home where Jack lived and he wasn’t here with me. Yet I felt pride that Jason was fixing this old house and making it into a place where people could visit.

  They would be honoring Jack’s name by learning about who he was, and I couldn’t help but feel like I had contributed to making his story real and for bringing to light the man he really was.

  “Do you want to see inside?” Jason asked as he let my hand go.

  It felt weird without his hand in mine and slightly awkward, so I folded my hands together and said, “Yeah.”

  The inside was better looking than the out
side, as this part had fresh paint and brand new flooring throughout. Pictures hung all over the walls of men and woman and even little children. I noticed several glass enclosures all over the foyer where books or relics were strewn about.

  “We haven’t found actual rooms to put those in yet, but we’re getting there,” Jason said, pointing to the books.

  “Who is helping you with all this?” I asked as I peered into the glass cases.

  “Mostly my mom and dad, but I do a lot of the work. They’re swamped with their own stuff, ya know?”

  I nodded absently as a book pulled my attention to it. The case held a small book open to a page that had Jack’s name and some writing that I couldn’t make out.

  “What’s this?”

  Jason came over and said, “Oh, that’s Jackson’s journal. We found it up in the old library hidden underneath the floorboards. Lucky we ripped up the flooring and found it, huh?”

  His journal. Jack might have written about me in there and I eagerly wanted nothing more than to read it. I had to convince Jason to let me without alerting him and freaking him out. My original plan to see if meeting with Jack worked was to just merely ask Jason about Jack again. But this journal would tell me everything I needed to know without involving Jason.

  “Jason,” I began, carefully. “This would be something I’d love to look through, as the town librarian. I could learn so much about your family, and you know how much it interests me.”

  I felt guilty playing the whole “girl who bats her lashes” card, but I really had to read about Jack. I had to know if my going back to him worked out or not. There was no other way to know.

  Jason smiled and pulled out his keyring full of keys. “Sure, Emme, I trust you. Just get it back to me in a week. Is that enough time?”

  I would devour that thing in one sitting, was he kidding me? You didn’t give a reader a book like that and not expect it to be read in one night.