by Lily Evans
"It just looks like she's asleep," Sarah said after a moment, the note of relief obvious in her tone. "I know there's the tube there and everything, but her colour's good…" She trailed off, sounding rather tearful. I watched as Graham put his arms around her, stiffening as I felt an arm being slung around my own shoulders.
"You okay?" Daniel murmured.
I drew a shaky breath, ducking out from beneath him by dropping down into the chair conveniently positioned beside my mother's bed. "I'm fine," I lied, far from fine. Because to be truthful, all I wanted to do was run. To run as fast as I could, away from that room, away from the sight of my mother propped up in that bed. To run until I could run no more.
This time I couldn't cry. I could feel the anguish building within me, could feel it rising into my chest, forming such a tight knot there it seemed hard to breathe. And although I could hear Caitlin talking now, quietly answering my sister's questions about the function of some of the items of equipment, I couldn't take in what she was saying, the feeling this really was a nightmare intensifying by the second.
"Caitlin?" My head jerked up at the sound of Luke's voice. He was peering round the door. "I'm going to grab a quick coffee. Who's the intensivist on this evening—is it Rob?"
Caitlin nodded.
"Can you tell him I'll be back to talk to him in say," he glanced up at the clock on the wall, "twenty minutes?"
She shot him a smile. "No problem. I think we'll manage."
He grinned back, the familiar sight somehow adding to the pressure in my chest. "I'm sure you will." And to my dismay he walked away.
I found myself squashing down an almost irresistible urge to shout after him, to beg him to come back—to at least make some acknowledgement of my existence. What the hell was going on? Why wouldn't he make eye contact with me? Was he trying to protect me? To protect himself? Or—and suddenly I was struck by an even more disturbing thought—was it possible he didn't remember who I was?
"Well…" Breaking into my thoughts, Caitlin's voice sounded curiously distant though she was standing only a yard or so away from me. "I hate to ask you this as I know it's only been a few minutes but could two of you go and wait out in the relatives' room now? Arrange to take turns between you?"
I turned to find Sarah looking at me with pleading eyes. It was obvious she wanted to stay. "No—no problem," I managed, relieved to have the opportunity to flee. "Daniel and me—we'll go." And without waiting for him to agree, I leapt out of the chair and headed for the door.
I was halfway across the ward by the time he caught up with me. "Becca, I should give Mum a quick call. Let her know what's happening," he said as we turned into the corridor, already pulling his mobile phone out of his pocket. "I s'pose I'll have to go outside but I promise I won't be long."
"It's fine," I said, on autopilot now. "Take as long as you want."
But as he strode ahead of me, breaking into a jog as he reached the end of the corridor, my legs turned to jelly, forcing me to stop.
"Oh God," I groaned, watching helplessly as the doors swung closed behind him, aware of the oddest buzzing noise in my head. "Oh God. Please no." But I knew what was coming, knew it was inevitable, my skin growing clammy as the hot wave of nausea washed over me, the buzzing noise reaching a crescendo…
"Whoa!" I heard the voice in my ear just as the darkness swept in, feeling strong arms folding around me. "It's me—I've got you. Down we go." And holding me tightly, Luke sank with me to the floor, kneeling behind me as my bottom hit the tiles. "We have to stop meeting like this."
I didn't answer. I couldn't answer, feeling horribly sick, everything—the walls, the floor, the doors—swirling around me in a dizzying blur. And as I closed my eyes in a desperate attempt to make it stop, I felt him scoot backwards, lowering me further still until my head was in his lap.
"Your breathing's too shallow," he observed, his fingertips warm on my neck as he sought my pulse. "Come on. Big deep breaths now."
"Luke—"
"Ssh-ssh, not now. Breathe."
I did as I was bid, forcing myself to repeatedly inhale then exhale, the effort seeming to take all my concentration, opening my eyes only when I felt him lay the back of his hand across my forehead, presumably to check my temperature this time. "I'm okay," I murmured irritably, relieved to discover the world wasn't spinning anymore. "I'm sorry. I think I'll be all right now." But when I tried to lift my head, pushing against his hand, Luke pushed me straight back down again.
"Don't even think about moving. You're not going anywhere until I say you can."
"But—" It occurred to me I was lying full length in the middle of the corridor and though there didn't seem to be anyone around right now, the thought someone might see me there was mortifying. "I'm okay, really. I just—"
"—fainted," he finished grimly, smoothing the hair back from my face. "I noticed."
"I didn't actually faint," I protested as he leaned over me, wincing as he used his thumbs to push at the skin beneath my eyes, inspecting the insides of my eyelids. What now? Did he think I was anaemic?
"Becks, I very nearly didn't catch you. Trust me, you fainted, babe."
Becks. Who'd have thought I'd be so relieved to hear that particular abbreviation of my name? "I'm fine," I muttered, pushing away his hands as unexpected tears prickled my eyes. "Let me get up."
"I don't think so. Your blood pressure just fell through the floor. There's no way I'm letting you get back up again until I'm sure I know why."
"Well, I'm definitely not pregnant, before you—" And then I stopped as his eyes narrowed, the memory of Daniel's reaction on first seeing Luke all coming back in a rush.
Chloe's baby. He's the one…
"Good to know," he said after a slight pause that left me in no doubt he'd been able to read my thoughts. "Not that it would've mattered if you were, I guess. Not now anyway."
"What?" And then I realised what he meant. He'd seen me in Daniel's arms. "No, it's not what—"
"When did you last eat?"
Thrown by the sharpness of the question, I gazed up at him, casting my mind back over the long afternoon of waiting, to the time I'd spent at my sister's house and finally, all the way back to my alarm going off that morning. He wasn't going to like my answer at all. "Yesterday," I admitted in a small voice.
"Rebecca!" Luke swore under his breath then sighed heavily. "Right." I felt his hands sliding beneath my shoulders, lifting me slightly before moving in behind me, supporting me with his knees as he began easing me upright. "Steady now."
"Wh-where are we going?" I stammered, rather unsettled to find his body effectively spooning my own, the warmth of his skin radiating through his scrubs and straight through my own cotton shirt.
"Down to the restaurant to get you fed."
"But I can't—"
"I hope to God you're not planning on arguing." His voice was right in my ear again as he lifted me to my feet, his hands firmly seizing my waist. "One more word from you and I'll call the porters. I'll have you shipped down to Accident and Emergency and get you admitted for the night."
I twisted my head to give him a horrified glance. "You—" I began before stopping abruptly, disconcerted to find his face scant inches from mine. "You wouldn't?" I finished lamely.
"Oh, wouldn't I?" he murmured, still holding my gaze, his eyes suddenly seeming to darken. "Don't bet on it."
And as I stared back, my heart already starting to race, I was sure he was going to kiss me.
"What the hell…?"
I jumped at the sound of Daniel's voice, jerking my head back around to discover he was standing at the end of the hallway, a look of utter disgust contorting his expression. "Daniel," I faltered, feeling Luke's hands tighten at my waist. "I—"
"Get your hands off my fiancée."
I stared at him in horror, appalled to hear the venom dripping from every word. "What? Daniel!"
"Certainly," Luke interrupted, his tone icily smooth. "Though I think you should know that she just fain
ted, right here in the corridor. So I'd rather not let her go until you come down here and take her from me, given there's a more than slight chance she'll do it again."
Daniel frowned, clearly not sure whether Luke was serious. "You passed out?" he asked, staring at me.
"Nearly," I murmured, still unwilling to admit I had. "But I'm fine now."
"Becca!" He marched forwards, seizing my shoulders as he arrived in front of us, snatching me none too gently from Luke's grasp. "For heaven's sake."
"You need to start taking better care of her," I heard Luke say somewhere behind me, the cold note remaining in his voice. "She needs something to eat and a cup of hot sweet tea. I know the tea's a bit of a cliché but it'll do the trick nicely. There's a restaurant down on the ground floor."
"Right," Daniel muttered angrily, already steering me towards the doors. He was holding me so tightly I couldn't turn around, his fingertips biting into the tops of my arms.
"Oh and Rebecca?"
Daniel stopped, releasing his grip just enough to allow me to peer back over my shoulder.
"Those stitches." Luke gestured towards me then pointed at his own right arm. "They need to come out." And after giving me one last look, he walked away, turning left to re-enter the ward.
I managed to wrench myself free the moment we were outside the unit, the effort taking almost the last of my reserves. "How dare you?" I exclaimed, Daniel visibly flinching at the ferocity with which my words were spoken. "How could you say that to him?"
"Becca, that man should never have been allowed to become a surgeon. He's scum. He—"
"He saved my mother's life. He saved…" I'd been about to say 'my life too' but Daniel didn't know that, did he? "Look, if he hadn't been there just now, I'd probably still be lying on the floor," I finished instead. "I'd probably have—"
And then I stopped, realising I didn't want to argue the point any longer. Because there was no point in arguing the point. It wasn't the reason I was upset.
He threw me a puzzled glance. "What?"
"Nothing. Daniel…" I drew a deep breath, closing my eyes briefly. It was time to do what I should've done days ago. "We need to talk. But I need to eat. Let's go down to the restaurant."
***
"Are you okay, Becky?"
Hearing the soft Scottish brogue, I looked up to see Caitlin standing in the doorway of the side room, gazing at me with concern. I attempted a smile, glancing briefly at my mother's face before turning back to Caitlin. "I'm fine," I said, as brightly as I could manage. But then what was I supposed to say? Actually, I feel terrible. I think this may have been the worst day of my life. Which was quite something, really. There'd been a lot of bad days just lately, each one seemingly worse than the last.
Caitlin's eyes softened. "You're not though, are you?" she said gently, coming into the room. She nodded her head towards the empty chair beside mine. "Is your sister still here?"
I shook my head. "She and Graham went home while you were on your break."
It'd had taken a while to convince Sarah it was okay to leave Mum in the capable hands of the intensive care unit staff. But as the hours had ticked by, hours during which we'd watched Caitlin moving endlessly around the bed space, checking monitors, taking blood samples, writing down observations on a huge wall chart and administering medications, it'd become clear Mum was stable. She certainly looked peaceful enough, seemingly oblivious to the clicks and whirrs of the machinery around her.
Sarah on the other hand, so very heavily pregnant, had seemed far from at ease during our bedside vigil, repeatedly standing up then sitting down again in a bid to find a comfortable position. Eventually, we'd all pointed out that Mum, who'd been anxious enough about Sarah and the baby as it was during the days after her heart attack, would hate the idea of her daughter suffering needlessly, particularly as she didn't appear to be in any immediate danger. So after I'd made a solemn vow to call them if there was any change in Mum's condition whatsoever, Sarah and Graham had left.
Caitlin looked relieved. "Oh, good. I know she would've liked to have stayed a bit longer, but poor thing, I felt so sorry for her." Then she frowned slightly. "So you're here on your own now? What happened to the other guy who was here—Daniel, wasn't it?"
"Oh." I drew in a breath. "He—er—he had to go."
Daniel hadn't taken the news our relationship was well and truly over particularly well. In fact, when I'd broken it to him as succinctly as I could, over a pot of tea and a cheese and tomato baguette, I'd thought he was going to cry, he looked so wretched. It certainly hadn't done much for my appetite but mindful of Luke's threat to have me admitted as a patient, I'd forced the soggy sandwich down anyway.
"But I love you," he'd said mournfully. "I love you, and I love your Mum—"
"I know you do," I'd interrupted. "To be honest, I think you love my mother more than you love me. And she loves you too, despite everything. God knows why. But whatever it was that we had—it's gone, Daniel. You cheated on me and I can't get over that. I won't get over that. Because I don't want to. I don't need to. I don't love you any more."
He'd spent a short while trying to persuade me I was wrong but eventually he'd seemed to get the message. And much to my surprise, I hadn't had to ask him to go. After he, like Sarah, had extracted a promise from me to call him if anything happened, he'd left.
I'd expected to feel better afterwards but I didn't. Instead, I felt hollowed-out inside, strangely empty. But then, the job wasn't fully complete, was it? There was still one person I needed to tell.
"Caitlin?" I looked up at the nurse and then back at my mother, dismayed to find my bottom lip quivering. "How's she doing? Please, be honest with me. Is she going to be all right?"
"Oh, hey…" Grabbing a box of tissues, Caitlin came around the bed, dropping down into the chair next to me and putting her hand on mine. "She's doing fine. Certainly as well as can be expected, sweetie. Obviously, it's early days, but there haven't been any complications so far and that's good."
"Really?" Taking a tissue, I made a swipe at my wet cheeks, embarrassed.
"Really. Besides, Mr Foster did her surgery and his patients nearly always do well. Though to tell you the truth, you're lucky he was here today. He wasn't supposed to be."
I stared at her, puzzled. "He wasn't?"
She shook her head. "He was supposed to be on annual leave this week. His sister got married at the weekend, you see."
Of course. Julie and Tim's wedding would've been on Saturday.
"And he was the best man," Caitlin went on. "I keep meaning to ask him how his speech went. He wasn't looking forward to that bit at all. Anyway, goodness knows why he was here. You wouldn't catch me working if I'd booked a week of leave. No wonder he's not married himself. Married to his job, that one." She sighed and shot me a conspiratorial grin. "More's the pity. Easy on the eye, isn't he? Bit short maybe, but hey, you can't have everything." Her grin widened. "Not that he's ever shown the remotest interest in me. Or anyone else for that matter."
"Right," I murmured, not sure how else to respond. So Luke had been telling the truth when he said it'd been a while.
"So was it just that, or is there something else you're worrying about?" Caitlin asked unexpectedly, her tone softening again. "It's just, you looked so sad when I came in. I'm not meaning to pry but I'd like to help, if I can."
"Oh." I heaved a sigh. "It's—it's a long story. I—" Reaching forward, I picked up Mum's hand, taking care not to disturb the intravenous line in her forearm. "I messed up. I did something I really shouldn't have done. Said something I shouldn't have said. And I really, really need to talk to Mum about it. But I can't, can I? Not while she's like—like this."
As the tears began dripping down my face again, I heard Caitlin taking another tissue from the box then felt her pushing it into my palm. "Why not?" she said simply as I dabbed at my eyes.
"Because she wouldn't hear me," I said, surprised I needed to explain.
"Ah, but she migh
t. Very often patients tell us they were aware of things going on around them during their time in intensive care. And even if she doesn't hear you, I still think you should tell her whatever it is you need to tell her." She smiled. "You'll feel better for having done it and whatever happens in the next twenty-four hours or so, at least you'll know that you've told her. Think of it as a dummy run, if you like."
"Right." I looked at my Mum, her face so familiar, yet unfamiliar at the same time with the breathing tube in her mouth and her hair brushed over to the wrong side. "Maybe."
"I'll tell you what." Caitlin offered me one last tissue then rose to her feet. "I'm going to leave you two alone for a bit anyway because I need to write up my nursing notes. I'll be just outside, so don't worry. Just shout if you need me. We can watch all the monitors from the front desk anyway, okay?"
I nodded. "Okay. And Caitlin—thanks."
She smiled. "You're welcome."
When she'd gone, I leaned over the bed and carefully swept my mother's hair back over to the right side. "That's better," I said softly. "Now you look more like my Mum." Now for the hard part.
"Well," I began then hesitated. It seemed odd to address someone who appeared so deeply asleep. "I guess this is worth a shot, right? Because, like Caitlin said, I do need to do this."
And taking a deep breath, I started to talk, the words coming painfully slowly at first as I admitted Daniel and I weren't getting back together. That I'd only said that we were because she'd been so ill, because I'd thought she was going to die. But after I'd made that first faltering confession, it was as though I'd opened the floodgates to my jumbled emotions, emotions I hadn't even realised I was experiencing.
Because suddenly, I found myself telling her how hurt I'd been she'd taken Daniel's side and not mine, her own daughter's. Telling her that I couldn't understand how she could've wanted me to stay with him even though he'd cheated on me, even though he'd been unfaithful to me. How upsetting it'd been that the first words she'd said to me when I'd arrived with Daniel at the hospital after her heart attack were 'just tell me this means you're getting back together'.