Jennifer's Garden

by Dianne Venetta

  Slept with another man. Literally, figuratively, did it matter? It had felt real. She had wanted it to be real.

  There was no way she could look Aurelio in the eye, knowing what she knew, feeling what she felt.

  She had to tell them. Her mother, Aurelio, they had to learn the truth.

  Showered by five-thirty, Jennifer gave up any hope for sleep. Forget that her body needed it, her mind refused it. She wasn’t taking any chances the scene with Jax would be repeated.

  Little good it did. Ever since she awoke, an incessant stream of images inundated her thoughts. She could see him. As clear as her own reflection in this mirror, she could see him, his face, his body, as if somehow she’d been working from personal knowledge.

  Which was crazy. Yesterday on the steps was the closest the two had ever been. Yet he made her feel wanted, loved. Cherished. In every way. Even now, awake and rational, she could feel his touch, standing in the bright light of her bathroom, she could feel him.

  Her attraction to him, her physical and emotional response was no longer something she could deny. Not to herself, not to anyone, though for an irrational moment in the shower she had tried. Desperately wanted to convince herself it was nothing; a fluke.

  But she couldn’t. Not even in the wide-awake daylight would she try. Jennifer uncapped her mascara and brushed the dark black color to her eyes. She would be honest with Aurelio. With herself. It was the right thing to do.

  What she planned to do about Jax, she had no idea. The brush poked her lid, leaving a streak of black goo.

  “Darn it,” she muttered. Smacking tube to counter, she yanked tissue from a box and wiped the mess clean.

  His was the confusing part. There wasn’t a list of physical features, though many appealed to her. It wasn’t a handful of personality traits, for several were qualities he shared with Aurelio. It was something deeper, something hidden.

  Jennifer inhaled, full and complete, and steadied her hand as she applied the remainder of her mascara. She would do what had to be done. On Aurelio’s behalf. And on hers.

  She couldn’t marry him. For all of his kindness, his consideration, for his most sensitive outlook on life, Sam was right. Africa or no Africa, he wasn’t right for her. The admission pulled her mouth into a frown. If he were, she wouldn’t be fantasizing about Jackson.

  Jennifer quickly dressed and dialed the number.

  Despite the early morning hour, Sam picked up on the second ring. “Hello?”

  “Sam.”

  “Jen?”

  “Yes.”

  “My God—do you know what time it is? It’s six in the morning!”

  “I figured with a house full of kids, you’d be up.”

  “I am, unfortunately. The little beasts are scavenging the pantry as we speak.”

  “Do you need to go?” she blurted, a sudden skip to her pulse. “I can call you back at a better time.”

  “No, Patty’s here. She’s helping Mom organize breakfast duty while I stay locked in the guest room. Mornings are fine with me, except when my sleep is interrupted. Then, I’m down-right ornery.”

  Jennifer chuckled at the truth in her statement. “Kids can do that to you.”

  “I’ll tell you what they can do to you—they can invade your bed like little night marauders! They roll and they kick and they carry-on without a clue to the destruction they wield!” Sam let out a heavy sigh. “Why they can’t manage to stay in their own beds beats the hell out of me.”

  “They like to snuggle.”

  “That’s what stuffed animals are for.”

  Jennifer thought of Beverly and her stuffed rabbit, Poppy. “True.”

  “So what’s up?”

  “I needed to talk to someone.”

  “And I’m it—oh, lucky day!”

  “Sam,” she cut in. “I’m having second thoughts about Aurelio.”

  Sam remained mute.

  “I thought you’d be leaping for joy.”

  “Not with the tone of your voice, I’m not. What happened?”

  “That stupid dream.”

  “What? What dream?”

  “The Greek tycoon dream.”

  “That one? Big deal. I mean, you already figured out what it meant, right? I don’t see the problem.”

  “Sam. It’s about Jax.”

  Jennifer heard a low hiss of air escape at the other end of the line, but Sam remained mum. Taking a deep breath, Jennifer began, “I don’t know what’s happening to me—or what it means.” Liar. “But last night, my dream began with Constantine and ended with Jax.”

  “Ah...”

  “It wasn’t the first time, either.”

  “Okay. You have my attention. We’re dreaming of other men. Got it. But I need a little more to go on than that. For starters, what were you two doing? Sailing around on his boat? If I recall, you mentioned Jax has a sailboat. Were you two cruising the islands? Could be a matter of simple association.”

  “We were making love.”

  Sam emitted a guttural sound, half-groan, half-chuckle.

  “Sam.”

  “So you guys do have the hots for each other—I knew it!”

  Jennifer thought she sounded a bit too pleased. “Actually, it’s worse. I know this is going to sound crazy...” It sounded crazy to her and it was her dream! She paused. “I think Jackson is Constantine.”

  “Hmmm... You’re right. That does sound crazy.”

  “I mean it.”

  “Okay, okay. Let’s take this point by point. They both like sailing around in the middle of nowhere. I see the similarity there. They both, uh, they both...” She paused. “Nope. I’m getting nada.”

  Jennifer felt foolish.

  “Oops, no more similarities—but wait. Who cares? Except for the sex part. Now that, I want to hear more of.”

  “Sam, I’m serious.”

  “Who’s kidding here? Not me. I want details, the gorier the better. Trust me. It’ll be a welcome change from my current topics of conversation.”

  Jennifer felt the hit. They should be discussing Sam’s issues, not silly erotic dreams. Sam and Patty were going through a rough time. She should be there for her friend, not dump a load of guilty pleasure at her feet.

  “So tell me, why do you think Constantine is Jax?”

  And why does it matter, she heard the silent follow-up.

  Jennifer fought the urge to retreat. She needed to get this out of her system. “More than boats in common, Jax has a scar by his eye, just like Constantine.”

  “And?” Sam asked, unimpressed by the detail.

  “You don’t find that odd? Not in the least bit?”

  “Not particularly. Before, you thought Constantine was Aurelio, their features strikingly similar, remember? Sounds more like a pattern of rationalization to me. A reach.”

  “It’s not. There’s more.” Jennifer paused. Sam could be so crass at times, but if she knew how important this was to her, she would give a genuine listen. “Hear me out, before you say a word, okay?”

  “The witness is all yours, counselor.”

  “Saturday night I had a dream. It wasn’t about Constantine. I was meeting up with Aurelio in the Bahamas, but feared I had boarded the wrong flight. The flight attendant assured me I had nothing to worry about, but my intuition screamed something was wrong. I woke up feeling like I’d blown it, confused the details because I was in too big a hurry to get there.

  “When I woke up, I had an unbearable sensation of defeat. In the dream, my last thoughts were, how could I make it right?” She paused, allowing the information to be digested. “The next day, Aurelio chartered a yacht for us to sail around Biscayne Bay.”

  Jennifer explained how her thoughts had drifted to Jax and later, his intrusion upon their lovemaking. She continued by explaining in both the case of Constantine and Jackson, she had to move past the initial encounter, the initial impression, and get to know the man inside.

  “Jax and I have spent a lot of time talking, Sam, abo
ut our families, about our thoughts and feelings. Then yesterday, when I came home, he was still here. He must have had a bad day, because he hardly smiled at all, and that’s when I noticed the scar—and made the connection.” She held her breath.

  “Are we psychic now?”

  “Sam,” Jennifer quipped, but heard the commotion in the background. “What’s that?”

  “The screaming banshees racing down the hall to the brushing station.”

  “The what?”

  “Nothing. Just another one of Patty’s tactics for directing traffic around here.”

  “Do you need to go?”

  “No, but I will shortly. I’m the bus driver this morning so I have a schedule to keep.”

  “Oh...”

  “Now let me get this straight. Are you telling me that you think you envisioned Jax, years before you met him?”

  “Stranger things have happened.”

  “Cut the theories. I’m asking do you believe that.”

  “Maybe...” Jennifer ventured. “I don’t know. I’m not sure what I believe at this point! All I know is that my life is falling apart around me!”

  “Why? Sounds to me like a case of mistaken identity. Swap the partners and move ahead with your plans.” Sam chuckled. “I’m sure Jax would be amenable to a garden wedding...”

  “Samantha Meredith Rawlings—would you be serious for one minute and help me?”

  “I am!”

  “Have you forgotten that Jax is seeing someone? Or that he intends to board a sea vessel and spend his future sailing around the middle of nowhere—in six months’ time?”

  “Dating is immaterial. As to his future, he’s cruising around the Bahamas. I hardly call that the middle of nowhere. And six months is a number. Numbers can be changed—or manipulated.”

  “You’re being difficult. I’m a physician. I have responsibilities. I can no sooner go cavorting through the islands with some man—“

  “Love of your life.”

  “—some man I hardly know, based on the premonition of a silly dream.”

  “Some would call it spontaneous.”

  “I don’t. I call it irresponsible. I can’t drop everything I’ve worked so hard for because my imagination is running off in frivolous directions, doing unthinkable things—“

  “He’s that good?”

  "—distracting me from what’s important. What’s real. I have a life. I have obligations. I have partners that rely on me, patients that need me.”

  “What about what you need? Doesn’t that count for anything?”

  Of course it did. That was the problem. What she needed and what she could have were two different things.

  Two hugely different things.

  “Jen,” Sam plowed forward, the lawyer in her surfacing for air. “You need love. You need to let a man in. Remember the psychologist’s words? You need to connect with a man on an honest level. Your mom...” Sam hesitated. “She isn’t going to be here forever. At some point, you’ll be on your own and as wonderful and exciting as I am, I am not enough. You need a man; a partner, friend.”

  Jennifer’s objections began to slip.

  “Jax may be the one, he may not be, I don’t know. But don’t marry Aurelio if you have even the slightest of doubts. Married life is hard enough when you love someone with every inch of your soul. You only have to look at Patty to see the truth in that.” She paused.

  Tears gathered thickly in freshly-done lashes.

  “I know it’s scary, Jen. I know you had a lot riding on this wedding, for your mom, yourself... But is it worth it? Really? When all is said and done, is it worth it to accept less than one hundred percent? I can’t believe I’m saying this,” she erupted with a chopped laugh, “but, give Aurelio a chance to find the right woman—the one that thinks he placed the moon and stars in the sky just for her.” She paused. “If Jax can affect you like this, you need to explore the possibilities.”

  Jennifer’s throat closed. Even if she wanted to agree, she couldn’t form the words.

  “Is marrying Aurelio for your mom’s sake worth the years of heartache that will follow?”

  No.

  Sam misinterpreted her silence. “C’mon, Jen. I can help you through this. There’ll be some adjustments, but we can do it—together. Just give me some time. Don’t do anything rash.”

  Hot tears streamed down Jennifer’s face as she managed a meek, “Hmph.” Too late for that advice.

  “You’ll be better off in the long run. It’ll be tough in the beginning, but you’ll pull through, and you’ll be stronger and happier for it. Aurelio will move on, he’ll be okay. Trust me.”

  The “trust me” desperation was almost enough to make her laugh. If only everything she was saying weren’t true...

  “I’m afraid.” The admission escaped from her lips, uttered almost involuntarily.

  “Then you’re normal.”

  “No, Sam. I mean it. I feel like I’m living in a land of make-believe, conjured up by my imagination. I’m afraid it doesn’t exist anywhere but in my mind. I’m afraid I’m about to let go of everything real and end up with nothing. I don’t even know how to make the step from here to there to find out if it’s real!”

  “One foot at a time, same as you take every other step.”

  “But what if I do? What if I do, only to discover it was all a dream. A figment of my imagination.” After all, these were connections she was making with a man she hardly knew! “What if I try, only to have it blow up in my face?” Like a child’s soap bubble, stinging her eyes. “What then?”

  “Then you take it from there. You live life. You move on.”

  Like Aurelio will.

  But her mother? Announcing there would be no wedding was akin to driving the last nail in her coffin. Without any reason to hang on, she would die.

  Jennifer hung up the phone. She was going to have to face them; her mother, Aurelio. She had to tell them. Today. Soon. They had to know the truth.

  Sweet Aurelio. It was like a sneak attack from behind. There was no way he could have anticipated such a move on her part. He had done nothing to deserve it. Nothing to warrant her betrayal.

  And then she would have to tell her mom.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  By noon, Jennifer began to believe the fates were looking out for her. Morning clinic had been a breeze, allowing her to enjoy a full hour lunch—if she had an ounce of appetite—but sitting alone in her office, food was the last thing on her mind. Explaining her decision to two of the closest people in her life why she was about to turn theirs upside down was first and foremost.

  Jennifer slumped back into her chair. Setting her left hand on the edge of the desk, she peered at the two-carat diamond ring glittering on her finger. Tears pushed behind her eyes as she moved her fingers, wishing she could appreciate its sparkle of perfection, the promise of commitment.

  Everything she had hoped for, everything she wanted, Aurelio had given himself to her when he slipped it on her finger. In accepting it, she had done the same.

  Until her subconscious betrayed her. And she betrayed him.

  Wasn’t it precisely what she had done? However unintentional, however figuratively, Jennifer had crossed a line and she wouldn’t deny it. She didn’t remember exactly where or when it happened, only that it had.

  And that it was so unfair. Aurelio did nothing to deserve the punishment she was about to deliver. His only crime...

  ...was to pale in comparison to Jackson.

  # # #

  Jennifer sat like a dead weight on Aurelio’s plush white leather sofa. From outside, the setting sun cast a soft palette of lavender and blue throughout the home, indoors and out blending seamlessly through a wall of glass. Perched high above South Beach, Aurelio’s unobstructed view of the ocean was magnificent. Tonight, she observed, waters were smooth, calm, peaceful.

  Unlike inside his home. She fiddled with the ring encircling her narrow finger and thought once again, how had it come to thi
s?

  “You’re being selfish.” Aurelio paced back and forth across his living room, a canvas of white from floor to furniture, the only color coming in the form of bold strokes of art placed strategically throughout the house, red tulips dangling over the edge of a vase centered on the dining table.

  The stark salmon-pink of his silk shirt.

  “Africa is a dream come true. It’s an opportunity of a lifetime for me and what do you do? Spit it back in my face.” He stopped. Raking a hand through long layers of black he stood there and stared. “You’re using this against me. Why?”

  Jennifer looked up at him. “I told you. This has nothing to do with Africa. I think it’s wonderful, I do.”

  “Then why are you doing this? It doesn’t make sense.”

  He didn’t know the half of it! “I told you. This is about me, not you.”

  “What are you talking about?” He flung both arms out, slapping them to his sides. “It has everything to do with me!” He whirled around, stomping over to the glass doors. A lost silhouette, he stood there, staring out to sea. She hated that she had no explanation.

  Aurelio deserved better.

  “We love each other. I told you, if you want me to help with kids, I can. I will.” He turned his head toward her. “If that’s what it will take, I’ll do it. Whatever I have to.”

  Anger is no way to raise a family, she thought. It must come from desire. But voicing as much would only aggravate the situation, more than she already had.

  Aurelio dropped his head back. “You’re giving me no alternatives here.”

  There weren’t any good ones.

  The separation settled between them, pushing man and woman farther apart.

  “And what about your mother?” He turned around and leaned back to the wall. He crossed his arms and gave her a hard stare, fine features cemented in bitterness. “Have you thought about what this will do to her?”

  Over and over and over.

  Black hair fell from place, his jaw set. “This will kill her. You know that don’t you? And it will be on your hands.”

  Once met with love and support by those deep black pools of his eyes, now she only saw bastard. With a deep breath, she slid the ring from her finger.